Hubby vent-update page 13, post #189

[RachaelA]

He never really has been on board with "my" plan because he just thinks we can "work it out", which we could, easily right now if he would just take the bus

Today I work at 2, DD16 has study hall the last hour of the day that starts at 1:30. When I start at 2 I have been having them drive to school and she can then leave study hall and bring me to work, no problem. Today DH dropped them at school because I have a dentist appointment this morning and I will just pick up DD at school and she can take me to work and then she and DS can drive out to practice after school, no problems. TOMORROW, I have to work at 10 and doing the car swap thing just does NOT work. The easy solution would be for DH to take the bus tomorrow, but nope, won't do it. So far out of 8 days of practice, I have been the one to have to change my schedule around, change dr and dentist appointments, etc. to make this work out. I think he can bend for ONE day.

Why does he get to make the ultimate decision (or does he not?)? I hope he doesn't.

I'm sorry your husband is being so difficult about this!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would get my kids a car if it made my life easier. If my dh was ticked so be it. He does not seem to care about ticking you off.

 

[LuvOrlando]

It isn't even 2 years, it is a few MONTHS each year that we need to work this out. The rest of the school year they don't need a car. It is from the last week of March through mid June that they need a car for golf season-and now this summer will be 2 1/2 months where we need to work something out. From September to March they can ride the bus to and from school.

Oh, it's only in the summer. I thought this was because the twins can drive now, that makes him seem more silly. If you went out and picked up a cheap rental car for a week what would he do You can't stop him from his choices but he can't stop you either. It might cost $100 but it might stun him into co-operation, if not your kids still have a way to get around. Give the kids your car and you use the rental because under age probably won't be allowed to drive it.

 

[Dictator]

Possible on some days but I don't have a place to clean up at work and it is 34 degrees right now...

Then the chances of getting sweaty on the way in are less right?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry Golfgal, I hate to have to say this, and I know you do NOT want to hear this from me...

But, he would actually suggest that YOU walk two miles each way, to work on your feet, so he won't have to sit on a bus for a few minutes.

You have not one, but TWO teenagers, and for him, a car is not an option???
edited to add: And, I now see that, even you, are trying to say "well, they wouldn't really need a car..."
C'mom, like the only thing they will be needing transportation for in the next 2-3-4 years is the golf practice?
I now see Mystery Machines post just above, and as usual, she says it all.

Golfgal, I know you are just 'venting' about the current car situation... But, the car does not seem to be the real issue. He is the one making ALL the calls and in control, whether it is the kids driving, no third car, and jumping on the kids to leave super early... Where is your say? You shouldn't have to have his complete permission.

The writing on the wall is clear.
This is a personality type, and issues, that I am VERY, VERY, familiar with.
( I won't use the actual terms, but I think most who know me here on the DIS know exactly what I am saying )
What I see described here is just totally classic.

I won't write any further.
But, my suggestion is for you to learn to do what is necessary to meet your needs, and learn to handle your husbands attitudes and issues. Because, from what I have learned. These issues do not improve or change.

Hope you can work things out!

 

[PlutoPony]

I think he just doesn't want to give up "his" car. Like a kid with a favorite toy. I laugh now, but will I laugh when it's my turn to give my car up sometimes...I don't think so.

Sounds like it.
So you've essentially got 3 drivers sharing one car (4 when you son comes home from college) and one driver with one car - and that one sits idle all day.

Can you sell him on this not being a very efficient use of expensive assets?

 

[Agri]

Then the chance of getting sweaty on the way in are less right?

My guess is no since she's probably wearing a heavy coat to protect her from the elements. Just because its cold outside doesn't mean that physical activity doesn't make you sweat. I probably sweat just as much in the winter when I walk, if not more, because my torso is so insulated from the elements. I've come home from a walk many times in the winter with my shirt soaking wet.

 

[Dictator]

My guess is no since she's probably wearing a heavy coat to protect her from the elements. Just because its cold outside doesn't mean that physical activity doesn't make you sweat. I probably sweat just as much in the winter when I walk, if not more, because my torso is so insulated from the elements. I've come home from a walk many times in the winter with my shirt soaking wet.

That all depends on how much effort you put into it.

 

[RachaelA]

Then the chances of getting sweaty on the way in are less right?

Why should she have to bike 8 miles a day just because her husband is selfish and won't take the bus?

My DH would be taking the bus in this situation. He wouldn't even have a choice.

 

[Dictator]

Why should she have to bike 8 miles a day just because her husband is selfish and won't take the bus?

My DH would be taking the bus in this situation. He wouldn't even have a choice.

He wouldn't have a choice?

 

[okeydokey]

Your Dh is selfish. Price out the cost of renting a car for three months and show him. Tell him you will go ahead and rent one the months you need it if he can't compromise a little., then do it. Let him come from work with the third card sitting in the driveway. You get to have a say in this as well.

 

[FredinFL]

If my dh's answer was for ME to walk 4 miles too and from work, I'd crown him. Where does he get off with that? He's too good to take the bus, but it's okay for you to walk 8 extra miles a day? Nice. That would sooooo NOT go over at my house. I honestly don't think my husband would ever even suggest it. I hold out the hope that he's smarter than that. lol

 

[undertheradar]

So the husband works full time and you work 30 hours a week in retail. I'm guessing that he earns what covers the majority of expenses. How much would that extra car cost with three young drivers? Right now your husband is secure knowing that his car is there if he needs it, if the kids have his car his sense of security is lost. I don't know how old he is but it takes some getting used to when the kids start driving and "borrowing" mom or dad's car.
In our house, if the gas tank hits 1/4 left and you are out, you gas up. Funny, my son stays mostly to his minivan.

 

[golfgal]

Why does he get to make the ultimate decision (or does he not?)? I hope he doesn't.

I'm sorry your husband is being so difficult about this!

We typically discuss "decisions". I just don't get what is issue is on this at all, really, I don't.

Then the chances of getting sweaty on the way in are less right?

Sorry Golfgal, I hate to have to say this, and I know you do Not want to hear this from me...

But, he would actually suggest that YOU walk two miles each way, to work on your feet, so he won't have to sit on a bus for a few minutes.

You have not one, but TWO teenagers, and for him, a car is not an option???
edited to add: And, I now see that, even you, are trying to say "well, they wouldn't really need a car..."
C'mom, like the only thing they will be needing transportation for in the next 2-3-4 years is golf.
I now see Mystery Machines post just above, and as usual, she says it all.

Golfgal, I know you are just 'venting' about the current car situation... But, the car does not seem to be the real issue. He is the one making ALL the calls and in control, whether it is the kids driving, no third car, and jumping on the kids to leave super early... Where is your say? You shouldn't have to have his complete permission.

The writing on the wall is clear.
This is a personality type that I am VERY, VERY, familiar with.
( I won't use the actual terms, but I think most who know me here on the DIS know exactly what I am saying )
What I see described here is just totally classic.

I won't write any further.
But, my suggestion is for you to learn to do what is necessary to meet your needs, and learn to handle your husbands attitudes and issues. Because, from what I have learned. These issues do not improve or change.

Hope you can work things out!

You mean passive/aggressive, you can say it, it's ok, I KNOW that is what he is like-we've been married 21 years I don't know that he makes all the decisions and I do plenty without "consulting" him too. I just need his cooperation for this one in particular. I don't need his help if I want to buy a new TV, for example .

My walk is 4 miles each way. ,. If I sat at a desk all day I wouldn't mind the 4 mile walk but by the end of my work day I can hardly walk as it is. It's a lot of pounding on tile floors for my tired feet.

Come to think of it, HE could ride his bike for that matter. They have a work out room, shower and locker facilities too . His office is 15 miles away though.

I hate buying cars as much as the next person and our insurance rates would hike up having to have a teen driver, and a boy at that, rated on the car so it would be VERY nice NOT to have third car, it just isn't going to work out that way. The kids have talked about buying one for themselves but they don't have money to do that and no jobs right now (they just turned 16 last week) and between golf and marching band, getting a job really isn't an option during the school year.

 

[disneychic2]

Op, why not tell hubby you will be quitting your job to make things easier with the car situation? See if he's willing to share to keep that extra money coming in. He really is being such a selfish boy!

Or, you could just do your thing and let him worry how the twins were going to get where they needed to go, just wash your hands of the whole thing and leave it to him. You take your car and do what you need to do and see what solutions he can come up with. Come on, this is a marriage, not a dictatorship! Does he not love any of you enough to sacrifice along with everyone else? Doesn't seem like it. Don't mean to speak ill of your hubby, I'm sure you love him, but really, what gives with him?

 

[golfgal]

So the husband works full time and you work 30 hours a week in retail. I'm guessing that he earns what covers the majority of expenses. How much would that extra car cost with three young drivers? Right now your husband is secure knowing that his car is there if he needs it, if the kids have his car his sense of security is lost. I don't know how old he is but it takes some getting used to when the kids start driving and "borrowing" mom or dad's car.
In our house, if the gas tank hits 1/4 left and you are out, you gas up. Funny, my son stays mostly to his minivan.

This is round two for teen drivers. The funny thing is, before I retired from my "real" job, we carpooled to work, I dropped him off so DS18 could drive to school every day. Dh never really had an issue with that. DS took a class at another high school in our district and needed to get back and forth. At my job I had complete flexibility so on the rare occasions he needed a car at work we usually worked things out--usually I just scheduled appointments so I could run DS bank and forth, worked from home or took the day off. It was pretty easy for me to do then. Now, I have ZERO control over my schedule, work hours, etc.

We also don't get into the "his money" and "her money" thing in this house. He did try that once and I gave him a bill for my services-cooking, cleaning, child care, etc. He couldn't afford me . For most of his career he traveled extensively and there was no way I could work. When that stopped and I went back to work we split things up more.

 

[phred52]

Wow. Just wow. If I was in your shoes, and IF I ended up walking, I'd be SURE that DH's routine at home was NOT the same as a result of my walking 8 miles while his car sat in a lot.

I like the rental car idea!

 

[golfgal]

Op, why not tell hubby you will be quitting your job to make things easier with the car situation? See if he's willing to share to keep that extra money coming in. He really is being such a selfish boy!

Or, you could just do your thing and let him worry how the twins were going to get where they needed to go, just wash your hands of the whole thing and leave it to him. You take your car and do what you need to do and see what solutions he can come up with. Come on, this is a marriage, not a dictatorship! Does he not love any of you enough to sacrifice along with everyone else? Doesn't seem like it. Don't mean to speak ill of your hubby, I'm sure you love him, but really, what gives with him?

This is the EXACT conversation I will be having with him tonight. I don't want to quit, with one in college and two more to follow soon, the extra money is nice. Plus, I actually get some benefits at my job that he doesn't have at his that are nice (vision coverage for one-I just got new contacts and the exam and contacts cost $30 total ). With 4 of us in glasses/contacts, it's a nice deal for $6/month.

 

[Wishing on a star]

We typically discuss "decisions". I just don't get what is issue is on this at all, really, I don't.

...

You mean passive/aggressive, you can say it, it's ok,

Nope, not 'passive aggressive'....
Since you say it is okay to post, and you continue to 'not see the issue' (like you just said above)
I will be more specific.
I am talking about a narcissitic/controlling/passive aggressive thing.
The 'passive aggressive' is the last on the list, and is just a manifestation of the first two.

I hate to say it, but there are many little comments I see here that truly do amount to what one would see with this person.
It truly does sound classic.

The fact that he sees only his needs and his 'security' and his need to maintain control. (not giving up his car for a moment)

The fact that he simply is not even aware of others needs... (Hey, you can just walk a million miles -THAT SAYS IT ALL. The kids can do without transportation) But, he obviously sees HIS needs and desires to always have his car, not take a bus or walk, etc...

Golfgal, I am with the others who say... If my husband even began to be so clueless and selfish as to suggest that I walk that far to work every day so he doesn't have to sit on a bus for a few minutes..., there would have to be a huge reckoning. That alone is a huge eye-opener.

Yes, a car and insurance is expensive, but that does not change the reality, that he seems to not want to be aware of, that his wife (YOU) need to get to work every day... That he has two/three teenaged/young adult children (YOUR KIDS) who will need transportation, more and more, over the next months and years...

It just goes on and on.

Look, I could be wrong...
And, I know the flames are coming.
But, I have learned a LOT about these things.
And, what I see here does seem very clear, and very classic.
Enough for me to at least post.

 

[luvsJack]

What were ya'll doing BEFORE the twins got their license?