how would you handle this ?

[RachaelA]

More background


http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1299836

Oh my goodness. You've resented her for years. And now the only reason you are letting her live with you now is because she has no where else to go... My heart is breaking for her.

 

[SpecialK]

Seems like a whole lot of decisions are being made for the poor kid.

I think what bothers me the most is that with all these people telling you that you have unrealistic expectations for a 16 yo girl, you are just barreling right along, defending your rules without even a second thought. You seem extemely inflexible when it comes to your stepdaughter and I think this transition is going to be very difficult for everyone in your family when it doesn't really need to be so hard.

Totally agree with this post. I have two sons, 13 and 15, and I would never expect them to live with the rules of your house. Teens need some freedom to make their own decisions; that's how they learn to be adults. They also need some privacy.

You're asking for a huge rebellion here. It doesn't have to be this difficult.

 

[malibuconlee]

I had the step-dad that gave me a 9PM bedtime when I was a freshman in high school. Of course after he and my mother divorced my younger sister, his daughter, didn't have any of the restrictions I had. He took her to the bars with him and got her tattoos at 16. So, OP make sure you plan on sticking with all these strict rules when your own kids are this age.

Seriously tho, I believe your rules are over the top. I believe in rules and think 1 AM curfew for 16 is ridiculous as you do, however I think you are going too far in the opposite direction. Remember in just 2 short years this girl will hopefully be on her own in college. Maturity doesn't just magically happen it is a gradual process.

Good luck.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP -
Please take some of the advice on here. I am the SM to 3 DSDs. It has not always been easy but when I get angry I pause and think about what they are going through. How would you feel if your mom threw you out? How would you feel if your SM really wasn't making you feel welcome? While she is 16 and old enough to know right from wrong, she is still a child and needs love, guidance and caring.

To me, it sounds as if you are very angry at her for upsetting your life. A bed time for a 16 year old seems a bit intense. How about setting a time that she has to be in her bedroom. Or on weekends needs to be in the house. At 16 she can say "No, I don't want to go pumpkin picking with the family, I want to go to the school soccer game." You should never expect a 16 yo to have the same interests and desires as their younger half siblings. If she is a good kid, give her some leeway.

I didn't read the whole thread but you need to lighten up. Oh yeah, and before you run her off with your strict rules you may want to re-think the friend issue. We made a little hang-out for my DSDs in our basement. We put an old TV/VCR down there (back when there were still VCRs). Tossed down an old remnant, a bunch of bean bag chairs and a garbage can. The kids could bring down snacks and drinks. Only rule was that they weren't allowed to do anything there that their parents wouldn't allow them to do. As it was the basement, we even bought paint from Michael's and some brushes. They painted whatever they wanted on the walls (flowers, suns, moons, etc.). And to the best of our knowledge they never broke our rules. They were allowed to come and go as they pleased as long as the front door was unlocked. Most never even knocked on our front door but just walked in and said hello and went straight downstairs. We knew all the kids. They had a blast. Kids plan things on the spur of the moment. Don't make her get "permission" beforehand for her friends to visit. I GUARANTEE YOU that she will find other places to hang out where she is more welcome. Open your arms to this child. You would be surprised with what you get in return.

Okay, I've said my peace. Good luck to your family. Based on your posts it sounds like your DSD will need it.

Oh and for the record, my 31 yo DSD and her 7 yo moved back in at the end of September. We have one bathroom for 5 people. We make it work without a problem. The only issue we have is the 7 yo's tantrums but that a whole other post!!

 

[RadioFanatic]

And a lot of your "Rules and regulations" seem for your own convenience, notto help her. While I understand it TO A DEGREE, that is one of the main reasons I resented my parents, the rules were to make their life easier, not to make me a good adult. You are controlling with a capital C.

 

[TLuvsD]

I have a 16 yr old daughter. Great kid, great student. Please try and hear what I am saying. Just listen and hear:

Your SD needs her own computer. NOW. She cannot complete her homework while trying to share a computer with 3 other students. It's just not going to happen. And it's certainly not going to happen by 9:30pm, especially if she joins any clubs etc. They do too much homework to make that happen. Many, many papers have to be turned in online (turnitin.com)
She needs a social life. Let her email her friends. Give her some sense of privacy. Her friends are her connection.
If your kids needed to adjust to being in a more remote area, so does your SD. It didn't happen overnight for your kids, and it won't for your SD. Be realistic.
Halloween can be a big deal for the teens. Can she spend the night at a friends? Start school on Tuesday? (I know that's a big one, my D has never missed school except for illness, but this might be a good thing. Get the younger kids off to school. Drive into town and get DSD. Spend the day setting up her room. Then she's there when the younger ones come home. Fresh, happy start on Tuesday.)
Breakfast is a no go in my house. D gets sick if breakfast forced on her. She heads to school at 6:30 for zero period with tea or oj and a zippy bag of cheerios. Blessings on the zero period teacher who lets them snack while they take copious notes (AP US History).

If you want this child, than make HER feel wanted. Work with HER to make things work for everyone. How sad it must be to know you are only going to Dad's because Mom doesn't want you. How wonderful to feel wanted. To know, really know the people you are living with WANT you to be there. You can make this child feel wanted or not. That's a powerful thing.

 

[DWGal210]

Holy background info, Batman!

I feel so bad for this girl.....

 

[hentob]

Well, there is a lot of background here. (Thanks Hentob)

This thread affected me and many other regular posters. It was a heartbreaking one.

 

[luvdzny]

What time do the prison guards do bed checks at your house????

I am the mom of a 26 year old son and a 21 year old daughter, if I had rules like that when they were teens, I don't think that they would be as close to me now as they are. In our house the most important thing was TRUST! I always said that we will give them freedom until they do something to break our trust. We never had any problems. Now I am sure that my kids were not perfect by any means, they just never got into any serious trouble. They knew what we expected from them and we trusted them to make the right choices.

You mentioned that she has a habit of lying that you want to break, if she has so many unreasonable rules she will probably continue to lie just so she can get out of the house sometimes. Some of my kids friends had strict rules and I know for a fact that many of them lied to their parents just so they could do thing with their friends. I always thought it was better to know what they were really doing and not have to worry that they were making up stories and lying.

Good luck, in my opinion you are headed for disaster with all these rules.

 

[okeydokey]

I think it's funny that you title this thread "How would you handle this?" Everyone proceeds to tell you how they would handle it and it is not the way you are handling it. Instead of thinking through everyone's thoughts and ideas, you dismiss them outright and say you will do what you were planning to do. So why did you ask anyone how they would handle it.

Just because you had a 9 pm bedtime in high school, doesn't make it the reasonable thing to do. Your poor step daughter has been asking for YEARS to live with you and now you want to treat her like a prisoner.

 

[Buckalew11]

I just let DD16 read the OP. She said,"Surely there is some cell service there?" I said, "The mom says it is not good service." She said, "Well, get her a phone let her find the spot there that does work. Kids will stand on their head in a corner to be able to text with their friends." lol Her other comment was "9:30 bedtime??!!"

I then told her she would be sharing a computer with 3 other kids. Not sure if mom has her own and uses it too or the have two in the household. She was really wondered how this girl was going to get all her HW done AND have any social time with 3 other users plus a bedtime of 9:30.

My sister has 4 kids and they each have access to a computer in the home. They aren't rich but a computer is necssary in this day and age.

 

[PatsMom]

OP, I am not sure where in NH you are, but if you are anywhere near me, I would volunteer to take in this poor girl rather than have her subjected to the tyranny you describe!

I can totally relate to moving a teen from a city to the country. We are half an hour away from the high school. She had to be on the bus at 6. Breakfast was not an option - she took a granola bar or bought something at school. Bedtime was based on when she felt like going to bed. I did go through a spell of wanting her to be in bed before I went to bed. A leftover from when she was younger. I got over it pretty quickly. She was responsible to get up when her alarm went off and she always did. If she hadn't, I might have made up a rule but she was mature enough to accept the responsibility and it sounds like you DSD is as well if she has been taking care of herself as you describe.

I cannot imagine expecting a 16 year old to share a family computer and still get her homework done. Even if she does not get her own, she needs more access than you describe for research and for social time. One very important thing about teens and living in the boonies that I have learned is that e-mail, Facebook and texting are their lifelines. The teen without access (and there was one in my daughter's social group) is at a distinct disadvantage and often misses out on impromptu get togethers and even planned movie evenings etc. The girl with all the rules also became an expert liar. I shuddered at some of the stories my daughter repeated to me.

When my daughter turned 16 we helped her with car expenses. It was as much for our convenience as hers. I no longer had to take hour long round trips to pick her up at the school after an away volleyball game or track meet. She could sleep an hour later in the morning which meant I got to sleep an hour later in the morning! She didn't need me to make sure she was ready but our alarm went off when hers did because our bus stop was way out in the woods and it was dark when she got picked up. So for safety reasons we used to drive her the half mile to the bus stop. It was so nice when she could just drive to school. Worth every penny we spent on insurance and repairs. And it really made her social life easier. We took curfew on a case by case basis and the time definitely depended on the weather. But if she was going to a movie and then out for Chinese with her friends, we might expect an 11:00 arrival at home. If they were going to a late movie, her curfew would be later. Flexibility was very important.

We also like to do things as a family. Whenever possible we would ask my daughter to go to family events but if she had another invitation, we were open to her choosing an alternate event.

I always felt that I would trust her until she proved that she shouldn't be trusted. I am her friend on Facebook but she had the account before I knew what Facebook was. She had to show me the ropes after we went to France and the kids from the trip wanted to form a group. I respected her privacy - no room searches, no e-mail reading. From the sound of your rules, that type thing will happen routinely. The household you are describing sounds more like boot camp than a home.

There are more than a few kids up here in the valley who kind of just live with friends until they graduate. Hopefully your DSD will end up in a good situation. My heart goes out to her.

 

[clutter]

Oh, I'm NOT going to jump all over you for supposedly resenting your DSD. I do think you've been trying for years to do right by her, which was tough given the polar opposite parenting she's been experiencing. And I think your family runs very well, something that you are afraid will change with the addition of a 16 year old.

However, I do think that at 16, some of your rules are overboard (especially the one that they have to be asleep before you will sleep, that needs to go once kids get older). The reality is that in maybe two short years, she will be capable of being independent. How is she supposed to learn about making good decisions if she makes no decisions herself? I GET that your household runs a certain way, and that you want to maintain it until your biological kids graduate. But I think you, had you not brought DSD into your house, you would have amended your own rules sooner rather than later. I also think that you should do a bit of each. Relax some with the understanding that they will be tightened if taken advantage of, and keep others with the understanding that they can be loosened.

Here's a wonderful list I recently read, written by Wendy Mogel. Yes, they are based on Jewish teachings, but they are wonderful. Especially #1.

1 . Teenagers need to make dumb mistakes to get smart.
2 . Be ALERT but not ALARMED.
3 . Be compassionate and concerned but not enmeshed.
4 . Love them but do not worship them like idols or despise them when they let you down.
5 . Be observant without spying or prying.
6 . Pretend you have seven kids: Dopey, Bashful, Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc (the “know it all”), Sneezy (Does he have a learning disability? An undiagnosed handicap of some kind?), Happy (Is he too laid back? Where is his passion, focus, ambition and drive?) and that which ever of these seven appear in your child’s form on any given day, they are all just going through a phase
7 . When they come to you in distress, resist responding like a concierge, talent agent or the secret police. Assume that they are capable of figuring out — through trial and error — how to solve their own problems.
8 . Be forewarned that the college Common Application asks about “paid” employment with the word “paid” in bold. Remind yourself that ordinary chores and nonfancy paid jobs provide a great education in ordinary but vital life skills.
9 . Remind yourself that watching dumb YouTube videos is a healthful form of decompression and entertainment for teenagers.
10 .Remind yourself that they are unlikely to fulfill all of your dreams or all of your nightmares.
11. Remember that a snapshot of your teenager today is not the epic movie of her life.
12. Recognize that once they get to college, FERPA (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act) laws don’t allow parents to see their child’s grades so it’s a good idea for students to learn the relationship between effort and outcome long before they go.
13. Plan parental obsolescence, raise them to leave you. The Talmud requires that parents teach their child how to swim.
14. Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child.
15. Find support in other adults instead of letting shame or fear about your teenager’s twisting path cause you to isolate yourself.

 

[Green Tea]

First, congratulations on gaining a new daughter. What a wonderful blessing to have her join your family.

I have a child that age myself. Wouldn't it be great if they could get to bed early like you anticipate. Are your children younger? I am guessing they are. High school kids, unfortunately, are up after midnight most nights working on home work. Mine would love to get more sleep, but with school demands, there isn't much time for sleep. Weekends are filled with friend things. It will be great to have a new group of kids hanging out at your home. Be the house they love to hang out in. It is a much better way to know what is going on in their lives than trying to snoop their Facebook.

FWIW, my girls are not breakfast eaters. Boys are. I think trying to force someone to eat when they prefer not to is setting up poor eating habits by making food a struggle/battle. Just don't get into that. Unless the child has an eating disorder, she will eat when she wants. Don't make a fight where there doesn't need to be one.

I like that you are hoping she will participate in family activities. It will be great for her to feel like one of the family. Just remember, if your natural children are younger, a 16 year old isn't going to enjoy the same activities. If you drag her to a pumpkin patch with little ones, make sure you drag little ones to the mall with her.

 

[DWGal210]

Clutter, that's a great list! Very applicable to lots of people.

 

[Acklander]

Wow, on reading all the back posts by the OP about the DSD. Now, I feel even sadder.
OP - you said that DSD isn't allowed to use a computer without your having full access, in a common area. I guess it's part of your "how we do things in our close, loving family" to include no privacy. How do you think she would feel seeing all the things you posted about HER on a public message board???

Don't get me wrong, I understand how sometimes people need to vent amongst people they consider their friends, and you, just like many others, use the dis boards for that. But, don't you think she needs a place where she can vent amongst her friends??? And a little privacy to do her venting? Let her have a cell phone, give her the time to just hang with friends doing nothing but hanging and talking, It's a very important part of being a teen. She's got lots of changes coming up in her life once she moves in with you and she's going to need an outlet, just like you've needed it.

 

[pyrxtc]

love

 

[disneychic2]

It amazes me the wealth of knowledge and caring on this post! You were smart to ask advise on what others would do. I'm so sorry you won't be taking any of the wonderful advise you are receiving! Looks as though you just wanted validation for what you already believe is faultless and fantastic "parenting". So sad.

I am a step mom to two boys (adults now). We had a blended family from the beginning b/c their birth mom didn't want them. Do not underestimate the devastation of a parent (esp. a mom) not wanting you. My adult son (27) still deals with this from time to time. Teenagers are genius at hiding their hurt and your poor dsd is no exception I'm sure. She needs to know she is welcome and fits in. She will be looking for ways you favor your own children just to know she is truly part of the family. I pray that she sees none.

In our household, as the four kids got older, they were given freedom and respect until they proved they didn't deserve that freedom or respect. You seem to be doing it the opposite way, even though your dsd is a "wonderful student" and "doesn't like what that one cousin posts". That says a lot about her character right there.

I would like to say I did everything right all the time, but no parent does that and it is even more difficult when you enter the "step" arena. But, you give off the vibe that you already have all the answers and you don't...far from it.

Please don't feel as though you have to defend yourself against what seems like attacks from this board. You asked for advise, please, please take it. The outcome can make the difference between life and death for this young girl who it seems has had a very rough life so far. A curfew is reasonable until 18, but not such an early one. Bedtime is not needed for high school age. Of our four kids, one had a procrastination issue and she dealt with the consequences and still ended up graduating with honors. Teenagers have to begin to have control of their own lives gradually so when they go away to college, they already are skilled at making decisions.

There is so much more I could post, but it has already been said much better than I could say it. If you want to know specifics about how our family survived, I'd be glad to answer any questions. By the way, I was considered a strict mom, but the kids and their friends loved hanging out at our house. They weren't allowed to watch MTV, date until age 16 and then only double date, I had to know where they were and with whom, only school functions during the week and no R rated movies. Remember, too that kids are different. Some have more need of structure, others are better at self editing. Discover who your dsd really is...it is a gradual process...then make the rules fit her. Finally, I cannot stress enough making dsd feel welcomed and loved. Listen to what she has to say and give her options that are of her choosing. She sounds like a level-headed young lady. Good luck. I'll say a prayer for you all.

 

[Laura]

Thank you for the sensible answer. She is easy to talk to and as I said DH will be sitting down with her to discuss this stuff.

I think some compromise on your part does have to happen. The rules you've listed here are kind of setting her up for failure. You may expect too much of her so soon.

Good luck and I hope all goes well!

 

[TinkPinkPoem]

The more of your posts that I read the more angry and upset I become about the life this poor girl has had and the life she will have living with you I honestly hope this poor, unwanted kid has the good sense to realize she can get out by applying for emancipation, or else hangs in there and toughs it out for the two years of her "sentence" she has left rather than running away and getting herself into a dangerous situation. You really should not be surprised if she ends up being a TON of trouble because really anyone sane would rebel when treated like this.

I don't even know where to begin and lots of people have covered lots of the same territory so here are just a few quick thoughts:

Teens hang out. Many MANY teens hang out without getting into any kind of trouble at all. Why is it bad to you that the kids may just want to be together and be friends without having to have some sort of organized activity?

I cannot understand your refusal to sleep until everyone else in the house is asleep. I can understand wanting her quiet and in her room. Sleeping though? It is not her fault you have this weird quirk. There is really no logical reason for this--it is just a control issue.

Telling a 16 year old WHEN to do their homework is also controlling in the extreme. Especially given that she is a good student. If she procrastinates and ends up turning in a project or two late, she will learn from that. You do not need to run out and buy things for her last minute (and i know how everything up there is closed early anyway) but you do not need to dictate to her what exact time of day she does her homework either.

I agree.

She's 16. From the previous post she seems to have been resented this way or another pretty much her entire life. Despite the tumultuous situations you have described she's a good student and just two years shy of graduating from high school.

By 16, you have your own studying pattern. In her case it seems to be working. Why impose all those extraneous rules on her? Why, when she's experiencing such a dramatic change in her life at 16, try to make it so difficult for her instead of trying to work this out and maybe try to adjust your schedule around hers?

I feel so bad for her. She needs to finish her education and build her own life. In my opinion if you are going to be so strict on her, you are pushing her to act in a way that would prove your theory of who you think she is.

And I hope she won't be the runaway, or the girl who never managed to graduate from high school due to a lack of support system. How would you feel if either of those things happened?


You have the chance to help the poor girl pave her road in life. You have a chance to make this right and help her out! No matter what she might have done, she needs someone to support and be there for her!