how would you handle this ?

[disneychic2]

Oh, I'm NOT going to jump all over you for supposedly resenting your DSD. I do think you've been trying for years to do right by her, which was tough given the polar opposite parenting she's been experiencing. And I think your family runs very well, something that you are afraid will change with the addition of a 16 year old.

However, I do think that at 16, some of your rules are overboard (especially the one that they have to be asleep before you will sleep, that needs to go once kids get older). The reality is that in maybe two short years, she will be capable of being independent. How is she supposed to learn about making good decisions if she makes no decisions herself? I GET that your household runs a certain way, and that you want to maintain it until your biological kids graduate. But I think you, had you not brought DSD into your house, you would have amended your own rules sooner rather than later. I also think that you should do a bit of each. Relax some with the understanding that they will be tightened if taken advantage of, and keep others with the understanding that they can be loosened.

Here's a wonderful list I recently read, written by Wendy Mogel. Yes, they are based on Jewish teachings, but they are wonderful. Especially #1.

1 . Teenagers need to make dumb mistakes to get smart.
2 . Be ALERT but not ALARMED.
3 . Be compassionate and concerned but not enmeshed.
4 . Love them but do not worship them like idols or despise them when they let you down.
5 . Be observant without spying or prying.
6 . Pretend you have seven kids: Dopey, Bashful, Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc (the “know it all”), Sneezy (Does he have a learning disability? An undiagnosed handicap of some kind?), Happy (Is he too laid back? Where is his passion, focus, ambition and drive?) and that which ever of these seven appear in your child’s form on any given day, they are all just going through a phase
7 . When they come to you in distress, resist responding like a concierge, talent agent or the secret police. Assume that they are capable of figuring out — through trial and error — how to solve their own problems.
8 . Be forewarned that the college Common Application asks about “paid” employment with the word “paid” in bold. Remind yourself that ordinary chores and nonfancy paid jobs provide a great education in ordinary but vital life skills.
9 . Remind yourself that watching dumb YouTube videos is a healthful form of decompression and entertainment for teenagers.
10 .Remind yourself that they are unlikely to fulfill all of your dreams or all of your nightmares.
11. Remember that a snapshot of your teenager today is not the epic movie of her life.
12. Recognize that once they get to college, FERPA (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act) laws don’t allow parents to see their child’s grades so it’s a good idea for students to learn the relationship between effort and outcome long before they go.
13. Plan parental obsolescence, raise them to leave you. The Talmud requires that parents teach their child how to swim.
14. Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child.
15. Find support in other adults instead of letting shame or fear about your teenager’s twisting path cause you to isolate yourself.

Wow! Where was this when I was raising my kids?! Love it, and hope OP does too!

 

[MichelleVW]

There's noting I can say that hasn't been said by the others, but I'm feeling an overwhelming sadness for your DSD.

This poor girl is looking for a soft place to land and isn't getting it from either parent.

She'll find it somewhere else.

Agreed. I am so sad for this poor girl that no body wants.

 

[MariDisney]

A little OT...my DD is turning 11 tomorrow. I have had a paper hanging on my kitchen cabinet that I printed out when she was about 2 with a list reminding me of various things that have been important over the years (e.g., stop cleaning sometimes and spend extra time with her, etc.). I have it on my cabinet so I see it when I'm cooking, straightening up, etc. Today, I am printing out Clutter's list and replacing the "little girl" one. I know this list will be great reminders as we tackle the next decade. Thanks, Clutter!

 

[disneychic2]

First, congratulations on gaining a new daughter. What a wonderful blessing to have her join your family.

I have a child that age myself. Wouldn't it be great if they could get to bed early like you anticipate. Are your children younger? I am guessing they are. High school kids, unfortunately, are up after midnight most nights working on home work. Mine would love to get more sleep, but with school demands, there isn't much time for sleep. Weekends are filled with friend things. It will be great to have a new group of kids hanging out at your home. Be the house they love to hang out in. It is a much better way to know what is going on in their lives than trying to snoop their Facebook.

FWIW, my girls are not breakfast eaters. Boys are. I think trying to force someone to eat when they prefer not to is setting up poor eating habits by making food a struggle/battle. Just don't get into that. Unless the child has an eating disorder, she will eat when she wants. Don't make a fight where there doesn't need to be one.

I like that you are hoping she will participate in family activities. It will be great for her to feel like one of the family. Just remember, if your natural children are younger, a 16 year old isn't going to enjoy the same activities. If you drag her to a pumpkin patch with little ones, make sure you drag little ones to the mall with her.

What a positive post! Thanks, we needed that!

 

[chexie]

OP please listen to these posts, or i fear you will lose your DSD..i've seen the results of strict parenting rules first hand through my best friend.

I'm a 19 year old sophomore in college now, but when I was 16 my best friend Mandy's parents got divorced. She first had to move in with her dad and stepmom, her stepmom had the same rules as you a 9:30 curfew, Mandy had to give her myspace password (back when that was more popular than facebook), she could not watch t.v or hangout with friends until her homework was done. All of these rules put on her by her stepmom did not create a love or trust bond between them, it only made Mandy resent her stepmom and despise her for trying to be her real mom. Because her stepmom refused to lighten up I watched Mandy start sneaking out, lying and soon this all escalated to her doing drugs, sex and drinking at 16. I tried my hardest to help her but nothing worked. Mandy's stepmom didn't change anything and only ended up losing her. And when her stepmom couldn't handle it anymore they told her she had to leave and move in with her biological mom and stepdad.

Today Mandy has cleaned up thanks to her friends and her biological Mom, but to this day Mandy refuses to be around her stepmother for too long. OP loosen up on the rules, or i fear you will lose your DSD.

On a side note being that I am a teen myself, we like having a sense of privacy & trust in our parents, from your rules i'm afraid you just aren't giving her that.

 

[marlynnp]

This poor girl. I hope she has the foresight and strength to just put up with the next year and a half or so. I hate to think this girl is going to feel she had no choice but to run away or worse...

 

[TLuvsD]

Oh, is your DSD a Sophmore or Jr in high school?
Please, double check her transcript from her original high school for errors. So much easier to fix mistakes now rather than later. Check each grade with your DSD and calculate the GPA yourself (a friend found a calculation error in the program her son's HS uses...it impacted every student in the high school).
Did she recently take the PSAT? Usually the students give their email address, but they also give their high school and home address. You will want to make arrangements to get her test scores and set up her CollegeBoard account. (You can use the CollegeMatch on CollegeBoard to look for potential colleges. It takes some surfing time, but it can really help the kids look at options.)
Check with the new high school for upcoming SAT and ACT test dates. See about joining any honors/academic awards groups she may qualify for (this can be big later). You will want to pay any fees, they are usually pretty minor ($10 or less). It will give her the chance to make some new friends. You will want to see that the old grades are correctly entered into the program for GPA/Class Rank, etc. Mistakes happen, not intentionally, but people are human.
If your DH sees an attorney about the change in custody, it might be a good idea to talk about upcoming college expenses: application fees, testing fees, tuition, etc. Who is going to pay what towards all this? For financial aid purposes, students are not independent at 18. She needs to know that college is a possibility.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Clutter, there were a few items in your list that I needed to be reminded of. Thank you! I'll be printing it out and leaving it where I will look at it on a daily basis. Sometimes we all need a kick in the tooshie!

 

[wdwmom2]

OP, just remember, this transition of your SDD coming to your home is not only going to affect her, it is going to affect your WHOLE family!!!

If she comes into your home feeling restrained and resented, everyone will feel this. I foresee screaming matches because of the tight leash you are planning on putting on her. These negative feelings will spread through the whole family like wildfire. NO ONE will be happy. You might as well call a family counselor now and get penciled in for regular visits. This just does not sound like a pleasant and smooth transition at all!

You asked how we would handle this, we tell you, and then you just come back and defend your original stand.

Dr. Phil would say, " How's that working for you?".

 

[N&B'smom]

I agree that it definitely sounds like 'well, you can come live with us BUT you're going to be treated like a small child instead of a soon to be adult. Bedtime at 9:30???? Are you kidding me? That's absolutely ridiculous.

My suggestion would be to wait until she gets there and then you along with your DH and your DSD all sit down and make up rules that are appropriate for a 16 year old girl.

 

[pyrxtc]

Happiness

 

[maelstrom]

She also noted yesterday that she planned on buying a laptop when she had enough money (with a car that needs repairs and insurance and all, I don't think it will be for a while anyways.) I know she doesn't realize that even if she bought it, she would not be allowed to use it upstairs and that her father and I would have full access to it to see what she is doing online.

Just a note on this... if she were to save up the money to be able to purchase her own laptop, it would be HERS, and she would be able to do with it what she pleased.

I am SO glad that my parents were never so ridiculous with computer stuff. I've been a computer geek since I got my first computer when I was six years old (and it was still a big thing to have your own home computer back then). My parents have never watched over my shoulder, asked for my passwords, made me keep the computer in a communal room (unless it was a communal computer, which it was until I got my own in 1997), etc. Granted, my parents wouldn't even know where to start with monitoring me on the computer/internet because they just never really learned how to use them (in fact, my mom just learned how to use a computer and the internet at 53 years old). But, anyway, when I did get my own computer in 1997, it went in my room, I did whatever I wanted with it, and my parents never even dreamed of interfering -- it was MY computer.

 

[MariDisney]

She is not allowed to drive our cars yet because we don't have her on our insurance and her own car that she will be getting has some repairs that need to be made first. My DH won't even let her drive with him in the car so I know using one of our cars is not an option yet. I am the one who helped her learn to drive and drive everywhere we went so she could practice.

As long as someone has a license they can drive your car, can't they? Maybe it's different for minors. But, I know I can let a friend borrow my car and my insurance covers whatever might happen. Or is it different somehow?

 

[pyrxtc]

patience

 

[Hannathy]

My DD 18 was reading thins and she said she really felt bad for the girl going to live in Hell! I thought that was a good way to put it

She also brought up that the poor girl may never eat if she has to have her homework all done before doing so! She often worked all evening on hers. and she said no way will she stay a good student without access to a computer a lot more than proposed. She also had some choice things to say about the curfew and bedtime!

One interesting thing she said and I think the Mom needs to really think about this:

She is worried about her getting pregnant, If i were this girl I would try to get pregnant then I would find an adoptive couple who would be willing to agree with me living with them till I graduated or to pay for me to live somewhere else. And you know that would not be hard to find as hard as it is to get newborns. It would be better than living in Hell.

So Mom see there is another option I bet you never thought of but it didn't take my teen long to think of it, how long do you think it will take yours living in her prison?

 

[Planogirl]

That poor girl. I can't imagine changing to this and basically being forced to give up plans and friends. Sorry but if you end up with a wildly rebellious teen don't be surprised. Also, in some areas a teen can leave at 17 so make sure that's not the case here.

Another thing, you expect her to work. When? It sounds like she will be either in bed or forced to do things with the family.

 

[Acklander]

As long as someone has a license they can drive your car, can't they? Maybe it's different for minors. But, I know I can let a friend borrow my car and my insurance covers whatever might happen. Or is it different somehow?

It's different. This wouldn't be a friend using a car occasionally, but a member of the household, therefore they have to be on the insurance - the only exception is if they have their own insurance policy and that carries over to if they use the parents car.

 

[maelstrom]

I love her very much. I treat the exact same way I treat my other kids with just slightly more leniency because she did not grow up in this house with our rules as norm. It is something that will be learned.

If this is lenient I would really hate to see the rules you have for your biological children.

 

[TeresaBelle]

I think a 9:30 bedtime is early for a 16 yr old.

Agree! My DD11 has a 9:30 bedtime.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My DD 18 was reading thins and she said she really felt bad for the girl going to live in Hell! I thought that was a good way to put it

She also brought up that the poor girl may never eat if she has to have her homework all done before doing so! She often worked all evening on hers. and she said no way will she stay a good student without access to a computer a lot more than proposed. She also had some choice things to say about the curfew and bedtime!

One interesting thing she said and I think the Mom needs to really think about this:

She is worried about her getting pregnant, If i were this girl I would try to get pregnant then I would find an adoptive couple who would be willing to agree with me living with them till I graduated or to pay for me to live somewhere else. And you know that would not be hard to find as hard as it is to get newborns. It would be better than living in Hell.

So Mom see there is another option I bet you never thought of but it didn't take my teen long to think of it, how long do you think it will take yours living in her prison?

My DD13 (who is as appalled as most others here) wants to know where the logic is in FORCING the girl to eat breakfast but then withholding food later in the day even if she is hungry ("as if being hungry is going to HELP her do her homework well?!"). She also thought the girl would try to get pregnant--but DD thought it would be because the girl might get the misguided notion that then someone (the baby) would truly love her.