How to rekindle a marriage...UPDATE POST #96...

[Disney Doll]

You guys are going to a marriage counselor to learn what to do to make your marriage better and stronger. It will never be the same, and you don't want it the same, because that didn't work.

But you need to relax. I know it's easy for me to say, not being in the situation. But you need to not make every single thing about your marriage, the counselling, what went wrong and so on. And you need to be patient. This problem didn't happen overnight, and it is not going to be "fixed" overnight. And you need to back off him, when he's at work especially. No one likes their personal problems brought to their workplace, especially men.

You need to work on yourself, get rid of this "desperate" vibe that you are sending out that you can't or won't live without him. If the worst case scenario happens, you can and will live without him because you have children to take care of so you have to. If the best case scenario happens, you won't have to live without him, and your marriage will be the better for it.

I still maintain that you need Plan A for if the marriage survives and Plan B for if it doesn't. You need to know your options for both cases, you need to protect your children. I don't mean to sound harsh but it is time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it. Remember that your children are watching everything you do, so show them strength, confidence & coping ability, not desperation and weakness.

 

[phillybeth]

You guys are going to a marriage counselor to learn what to do to make your marriage better and stronger. It will never be the same, and you don't want it the same, because that didn't work.

But you need to relax. I know it's easy for me to say, not being in the situation. But you need to not make every single thing about your marriage, the counselling, what went wrong and so on. And you need to be patient. This problem didn't happen overnight, and it is not going to be "fixed" overnight. And you need to back off him, when he's at work especially. No one likes their personal problems brought to their workplace, especially men.

You need to work on yourself, get rid of this "desperate" vibe that you are sending out that you can't or won't live without him. If the worst case scenario happens, you can and will live without him because you have children to take care of so you have to. If the best case scenario happens, you won't have to live without him, and your marriage will be the better for it.

I still maintain that you need Plan A for if the marriage survives and Plan B for if it doesn't. You need to know your options for both cases, you need to protect your children. I don't mean to sound harsh but it is time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it. Remember that your children are watching everything you do, so show them strength, confidence & coping ability, not desperation and weakness.

Listen to her, for she is wise!

I am in your situation, just a year removed. About 14 months ago, my DH tried to commit suicide- that's how much he wanted to get away from me, he felt he had to kill himself to escape. We have been separated since and in counseling together about 10 months- we are also in individual counseling with different therapists.

Counseling is NOT a quick fix. You will be going for months if not years. Some weeks there will be forward progress, and some weeks you will feel like you are starting all over again. Some weeks you will walk out of that office on top of the world, and some weeks you will walk out in tears thinking everything is over. It's a rollercoaster ride.

 

[notastranger]

...And you need to back off him, when he's at work especially. No one likes their personal problems brought to their workplace, especially men.

OMG is there light at the end of this tunnel or what...I just found out today that the other girl is in fact a secretary at his work!!!! OK, so do I, and if so how do I get over this one?????????

 

[hellokitty86]

Hey, notastranger.

I just found this thread tonight and read the whole thing. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I just read your last post. Is the other girl the one who went out to dinner with him, or is this someone else??

I don't have alot of advice, (and I probably wouldn't give the best advice because I am pretty jealous), but I hope everything works out the best for you and the kids, whether you stay together, or not.

 

[Christine]

OMG is there light at the end of this tunnel or what...I just found out today that the other girl is in fact a secretary at his work!!!! OK, so do I, and if so how do I get over this one?????????

This does present a problem because, obviously, if she is at his work he probably has more of a connection/relationship with her then you have been lead to believe.

Really, though, all you can do is go through the counseling, try to correct the mistakes you have made. It will be up to him to make his choice. You cannot control this part of it.

 

[notastranger]

This does present a problem because, obviously, if she is at his work he probably has more of a connection/relationship with her then you have been lead to believe.

Actually he just started his new job about 3 weeks ago, so it has only been since then that he could have been talking to her.

Yesterday, when he didn't come home from work I took the way he would normally come home because he wasn't answering his cell phone either, so I thought something was wrong, well I got to his work and there he is talking to her. SO I walked up to her and said hi I am ******'s wife. SHe said her name and said she worked here, then she took off. Then I look down and noticed his wedding ring wasn't on, so I told him I didn't think we could work this out, not knowing that he has to see her every day. He said no that he wanted to work it out and that he meant what he said at counceling the night before about wanting to give it a second chance. I just don't know???? How am I supposed to get over the fact that he sees her every day??? Everything he has said has been a lie. DO I want to work it out...of course, but I just don't know how now. I thought everything was going to be so good with him having this new job, we were actually going to be able to start saving money, and even buy a house, now it's like this new job has been nothing but bad.

 

[Christine]

Okay, first of all. Very bad move that you seemed to panic and go to his work. DO NOT DO that. Your desparation is speaking volumes and it's going to chase him away for sure.

As for this girl at work. There is ALWAYS going to be a "girl at work" wherever he works. As long as things aren't going well at home, he may be vulnerable to "the girl at work." So while this is going to be difficult, you need to face the fact that there is NOTHING you can do about this issue. This will be his choice.

Now, there are incidences where a spouse has had an affair with a co-worker and it all comes out. In those cases, if the couple wants to make the marriage work, the "cheating" spouse will often leave the job or be transferred to another department to avoid contact with the other person. But your DH is not at this point yet.

 

[Nancyg56]

You guys are going to a marriage counselor to learn what to do to make your marriage better and stronger. It will never be the same, and you don't want it the same, because that didn't work.

But you need to relax. I know it's easy for me to say, not being in the situation. But you need to not make every single thing about your marriage, the counselling, what went wrong and so on. And you need to be patient. This problem didn't happen overnight, and it is not going to be "fixed" overnight. And you need to back off him, when he's at work especially. No one likes their personal problems brought to their workplace, especially men.

You need to work on yourself, get rid of this "desperate" vibe that you are sending out that you can't or won't live without him. If the worst case scenario happens, you can and will live without him because you have children to take care of so you have to. If the best case scenario happens, you won't have to live without him, and your marriage will be the better for it.

I still maintain that you need Plan A for if the marriage survives and Plan B for if it doesn't. You need to know your options for both cases, you need to protect your children. I don't mean to sound harsh but it is time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it. Remember that your children are watching everything you do, so show them strength, confidence & coping ability, not desperation and weakness.

Please reread her posts. Then listen to her, she is guiding you in the right direction, and is articulating what we are all saying in different ways.

 

[Disney Doll]

These are issues best discussed with the counselor. I would certainly take issue with the fact that he was lying. Do yourself and everyone else a favor though...put the blame where the blame lies. Your DH is repsonsible for his behavior, so don't make his co-worker the bad guy. If he's lying to you, he's probably lying to her too. She may have had no idea he was married.

I would have a difficult time trusting him. Not to say that I never would trust him again, but I'd have a difficult time. And not wearing a wedding ring at work is a conscious decision, which says "I don't want to advertise that I am married". My DH always wears his wedidng ring. If he suddenly stopped wearing it, or I found out that he took it off at work or when he was on a business trip or whatever, I'd take issue with that.

To all of you who are going to say "But the OP said she's been treating the guy like crap, so what do you expect?"...I'll tell you what I'd expect. I'd expect my husband to have integrity. I'd expect him to speak to me about our marital difficulties, and I'd expect him to want to work on them together. I would expect him to do all this before he brought a third party into the marriage, not after. In my opinion, there is no excuse for cheating. If your marriage is unhappy, fix it or get out of it. Cheating says a lot more about your own integrity and values than it does about your spouse.

OP, regardless of what happens in your marriage, it would serve you well to continue to go to counselling to help you deal with this acute issue, and to help you get back on track personally. In your earlier posts you made reference to the fact that you did not like the direction your life and behavior were taking, so even if the marriage fails, work on you...for you.

 

[notastranger]

Okay, first of all. Very bad move that you seemed to panic and go to his work. DO NOT DO that. Your desparation is speaking volumes and it's going to chase him away for sure.

Trust me I didn't go to his work thinking I was going to catch him with "the other woman", I was genuinely concerned especially since he wasn't answering his phone which he never does. I thought something happened. He gets done at 5:00pm and at 6:15 when I still didn't hear from him I started to worry(we live about 10 minutes top from his work) so I was just going the same roads he would take thinking something happened. I was in total shock when I pulled up and he was there talking to this other woman.

When we went to counceling on Tuesday he was asked if she was someone from work and he said no. Everything he has been saying is a lie. Especially the fact that he took his ring off. Then when I confronted him about that he said I just didn't feel like I should wear it because of the feelings I was having, but then all of a sudden when I say forget it, then he wants to work it out now????? I just do not understand????

I thought after we went to counceling, that maybe there would be a new start for us, and after reading everyone's posts, I didn't want to go back to where we were, I wanted to build something better and stronger. And as far as myself goes, even DH said to the councelor that I have done a complete 180 in the past week and a half.

I guess all I can do is take one day at a time, but even now that he has left for work, I have this angry sick feeling in my stomach knowing she is there. Can I get over that?? Will that feeling ever go away???

 

[Disney Doll]

Trust me I didn't go to his work thinking I was going to catch him with "the other woman", I was genuinely concerned especially since he wasn't answering his phone which he never does. I thought something happened. He gets done at 5:00pm and at 6:15 when I still didn't hear from him I started to worry(we live about 10 minutes top from his work) so I was just going the same roads he would take thinking something happened. I was in total shock when I pulled up and he was there talking to this other woman.

When we went to counceling on Tuesday he was asked if she was someone from work and he said no. Everything he has been saying is a lie. Especially the fact that he took his ring off. Then when I confronted him about that he said I just didn't feel like I should wear it because of the feelings I was having, but then all of a sudden when I say forget it, then he wants to work it out now????? I just do not understand????

I thought after we went to counceling, that maybe there would be a new start for us, and after reading everyone's posts, I didn't want to go back to where we were, I wanted to build something better and stronger. And as far as myself goes, even DH said to the councelor that I have done a complete 180 in the past week and a half.

I guess all I can do is take one day at a time, but even now that he has left for work, I have this angry sick feeling in my stomach knowing she is there. Can I get over that?? Will that feeling ever go away???

Some thoughts about what you have posted here:

Paragraph 1- In the past, before you knew you had marital difficulties, would you have driven around to look for him if he was late coming home from work, thinking something had happened?

Paragraph 2- Does it shock you that he has been lying about another woman? Do you think it's something that your husband would have come home and announced?

Paragraph 3- You've been to counselling like what...2 or 3 times, maybe? The problem didn't start overnight, it's not going to be fixed overnight. Congratulations to you for doing some repair to yourself of behaviors you weren't liking, as pointed out by your husband to the counselor. But remember, fix yourself for yourself, not for anyone else. Fix yourself because you want to be better, happier, more fulfilled.

Paragraph 4- Taking things one day at a time is good advice. Planning is good advice, for a life with or without him. Remember, there is always going to be "some girl at work" who could be a threat if you allow her to be. Counselling will bring these things out into the open where you can work on them. Counselling may also help you relaize that a life with this man isn't what you want. Or it may help you both realize that a life together is what you want. Give it time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You are setting expectations that cannot be reached. You are setting yourself up for major disappointment. Why would you do this to yourself?

I would recommend you come down to earth and LIVE in TODAY! Not what you "want", the future, your expectations, etc....

Right now you are going to be living day to day. You will either decide to get yourself together that day or fall apart.
I think that is normal for your situation.

So go to counseling, a lawyer, look at apartments, etc...Do something to empower you behind the scenes. However....DO NOT USE THEM AS WEAPONS!!! Keep them private.

 

[lillygator]

I don't think it was a bad thing - going to his work. But as other posters have suggested I would continue the counseling, even if just for yourself.

 

[TreslovesWDW]

 

[ckret01]

OK I am going to be truthful here, I may be wrong but I think if I were having problems in my marriage that concerned another woman, I probably would have went to his job too. If you didn't you would still be believing his lie that she did not work there (things happen for a reason sometimes). I am not saying that is the right thing to do, but I UNDERSTAND where you are coming from. I am the type of person that when you start lying to me I will try to find out the truth.

As for that sick feeling in your stomach, I can only speak for myself but I don't think for me it would go away at least not for a long time. As long as he and she worked there, I would always be wondering. Which would in turn would make me probably question him every so often which could lead into fights. Again I am not saying what I would do is right but I understand the feelings you are having.

Stay strong!

 

[notastranger]

Well, I figured since someone posted on here, that I would give an update of what has been going on. Let me start off by saying that wrong or right, I am so glad that I went to his work that day. I definatly would have still believed all his lies that he was telling me. Well, after that day which was a Wednesday(June 28th) I thought everything was OK. We were going to go out just the two of us on the Friday(June 30th) but decided to stay home. We did alot of talking and we had a drinks and had a really good time. Saturday(July 1st) I woke up and went to a meeting, and when I came home he said he was running out to wawa to get coffee. On the way there he called and said he was stopping to get gas so I said OK, use your debit card. Well 1 1/2 hours later when he still didn't come home and still hadn't gotten gas(I checked the bank account online) I again went to look for him. I really thought something happened only because we had such a great night the night before. Well, I drove down to the gas station he said he was going to and he wasn't there, and then I drove past his work, thinking maybe he met her there. He wasn't there either. Well I remembered when he first started working at his new job he told me that his boss lived somewhere near a couple that go to the church that I go to. And this girl is the bosses daughter...so I decided to drive by the bosses house...and hew car was there, and right next to her car was his truck...yeah you can imagine the fury that was coming from me...well I decided that I was going to knock on her door...oh yes I did...and he comes walking out...with no ring on AGAIN...and I just lost it. I told him that I didn't want to be with him, and even though there were some issues at home that me and the kids do not deserve this and that I was done with him. Well he didn't like that...he wouldn't let me leave and said that it wasn't what it looked like...I said oh really cause it looks like to me that you are at this *itches house. He said that she gave him a cell phone so she could get a hold of him(without me knowing) and that she called him on that and said that she OD'ed on oxy cotton(or however you spell it) and he was just concerned and didn't know what was going on...I told him that the only thing he needed to worry about was his wife and kids sitting at home waiting for him, then I asked him why he took his ring off again and he said he didn't know why. Well I told him to get her out here and he said she is all drugged up, and I said I don't care about her state of mind, what about mine for the past 2 weeks. He said I promise I will call her when we get home and tell her that I want to work it out with my wife...he never called, but, he came home and we took our daughter to the boardwalk(other dd was with her dad) and everything was just OK. Now it has been almost 2 weeks since this has happened and everything has been going really well. I started dressing nicer and he doesn't let me leave the house without him now. Yesterday was kinda rough though. It is TOM, and the emotions got the better of me and I lost it last night when he got home from work. I told him that I didn't want to do this anymore, that every time he leaves for work, I get severe stomach pains(I have stomach problems anyway..ulcers and IBS), and that I really want to start to trust him again but am afraid to. I don't want to be the stupid wife that starts to trust him again and then he goes and does it again. But he said he didn't care how long it took for me to start trusting him again, that he really wants to work it out and that he knows he made a mistake. I know that she is already dating someone else, but he still has to go to work and see her every day. The only days that I feel comfortable are Sat & Sun cause he doesn't work those days. I am hopeful that everything will work out. I do really love him so much, but I am so afraid of getting hurt again. I guess one day at a time. BTW we are going back to the councelor too.

Thanks for all the inout from everyone, I really appriciate it. You guys are a great group of people, and I am so glad to be a part of the DIS.

 

[disneymom3]

Wow, that is really tough. I understand and commend you for wanting to work on your marriage adn can totally understand the lack of trust. I would have been devastated too at that whole going to her house incident. I hope you are still going to counselling together and I wish you the best.

 

[Serena]

No matter what, you can tell yourself and your kids that you really tried to make it work.
Don't feel bad about not trusting him, he blew it. Now he's got to live with that. I suggest you don't trust him until you really do. Don't stick your head in the sand and just want to trust him and ignore what you know. But not trusting him doesn't mean you can't make it work.

But I don't care what excuse he had for going over there, he lied to you. Again.

If she had tried to od, she should have been in the hospital where people that can help her, help her.
It's just a play on your kind heart. And if she actually told him she did that, then she's playing him too and he's falling for it.
This is just my opinion of course, but it sounds like he's still playing you too.

 

[disneylizzy]

If he's really serious about working on your relationship and staying together he should get a new job. It is not going to work seeing her everyday and you having that sick feeling every time he is 10 minutes late.

I hope it works out for you, but speaking from experience, sometimes it doesn't. But I am a firm believer that doors are not shut without windows (somewhere) being opened. Good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your best bet is to continue counselling and see where it takes you.

You have some big decisions to make. I wish you well.