How to rekindle a marriage...UPDATE POST #96...

[Christine]

The thing I don't understand is that he doesn't even want to try and work it out. I asked him to go away with me for one night and he wouldn't give me an answer.

Okay, this one statement here *smacks* of something wrong.

Are you ABSOLUTELY sure that there is no other woman? I know he told you about a girl and that nothing happened. Often times, the spouse only gets the tip of the iceburg on these things.

I just can't imagine that your husband we rebuff you so much if the only thing going on here is that you've become estranged in some way. His reaction seems suspicious to me of him have some somewhat serious feelings for another person. If there was no other woman around, he would probably want to go. He is a man.

 

[disneyfanz04]

hugs to you and your family

 

[notastranger]

...I won't pine away for any man again.

Trust me it is easier said then done...I always said if he leaves oh well, because I knew he never would, but now that that is a reality, and with the kids involved too. It would be so much easier if we weren't married, and there were no kids, then I would have no problem walking away, but I said my vows and I meant every word of them...better or worse, till death do us part, not till it gets rough do we part. The thought of him not being here when I go to bed at night and when I open my eyes in the morning makes me sick. It really does. I do not care if I sound desperate, I am desperate to save my marriage, and the man I love.

PS...I hope I didn't sound like I was "fighting" with you because that is not the case at all.

Are you ABSOLUTELY sure that there is no other woman?

No I am not sure.

 

[Hillbeans]

OMG the more I think about this, the more devastation I feel. I cannot believe that this is happening to me. I feel like I don't know how to let him go. The thought of my daughters faces when he leaves makes my physically ill. I don't know what to do...I feel like everything I knew is not. I feel like I am letting my girls down. I grew up without a father in the home, and now they are going to have to, and that hurts so bad. So much stuff has happened in my life, and I really do not know if I can handle this. I mean I know that I have to get through it for the girls, but I just do not know how.

I do not want to live my life without him. He is my everything and I am so mad at myself for not making him feel that way. The thing I don't understand is that he doesn't even want to try and work it out. I asked him to go away with me for one night and he wouldn't give me an answer.

Another thing that bothers me, is he is SOOOOOOO close to DD5 it is pathetic. I mean she bolts out the door when she sees daddy coming up the driveway, and the thought of him not kissing her in the morning like he does, or tucking her in at night like he always does, or not sitting on the couch with her watching spongebob breaks my heart. She is going to be so devestated. My DD10(his step-dd) has already cried for 3 straight days. She doesn't understand why he is doing this, and they both ask me questions that I cannot answer, because I don't know the answer to.

I am not sure if I said this before, but he is 33 and I am 28. Some of my friends say maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis, but isn't he too young for that???

I feel like he is a stranger right now. My DH is the most compassionate person who would bend of backwards for someone, and he hates to see people hurt, this is why I just cannot understand what is going on.

UGH!!!! Please pray for us. I do not know what I am going to do if he really does decide to leave.

First of all, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It breaks my heart to read things like this.

I just can't imagine someone walking away from a wife and kids to want to go and live the single life?????? Sometimes people say something but if your husband sat down and thought about what it will be like day after day of waking up and not seeing his kids and family will that be what makes him happy?

There was a very similar thread a few weeks ago about another husband leaving a family and the mom had a Disney Trip planned the next weekend. I know people have reasons, and i'm trying not to judge, but how can someone just walk away from their family and wipe their hands of any responsibilities they have as a parent and a husband? It just makes me think there is someone/something else pulling him away. People usually don't just leave a marriage, even a so-so one, without something else going on....

I agree with the other posters that even though you are in shock, you need to not be a doormat here and you need to make sure those girls and you are taken care of. Good luck to you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am not sure if I said this before, but he is 33 and I am 28. Some of my friends say maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis, but isn't he too young for that???

I am having a real problem here with your thinking. You have told us you were horrible to him. You cannot expect people to live like that.

 

[notastranger]

I am having a real problem here with your thinking. You have told us you were horrible to him. You cannot expect people to live like that.

I never said I was horrible to him. When I say I didn't treat him right I am talking about just the little things that I took for granted. And no I wouldn't expect anyone to live like that, but if I had a problem with my DH I would have told him and tried to make it work by getting counceling or something. Not just turn around and walk away without even giving my marraige a chance to fix the problems.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Okay, this one statement here *smacks* of something wrong.

Are you ABSOLUTELY sure that there is no other woman? I know he told you about a girl and that nothing happened. Often times, the spouse only gets the tip of the iceburg on these things.

I just can't imagine that your husband we rebuff you so much if the only thing going on here is that you've become estranged in some way. His reaction seems suspicious to me of him have some somewhat serious feelings for another person. If there was no other woman around, he would probably want to go. He is a man.

Think about this: its a MAN. When a man gets his feelings hurt over and over again(as the OP said she did turn away when depressed), he is going to sulk and hurt and slink away to lick his wounds. I'm sure that he isn't feeling wanted, and women know that many times men equal wanting with loving. And after so much rejection isn't going to feel wanted or loved and probably afraid now. I'm not in anyway trying to take up for him, but just want to show things from his side. I would think that if he is even still listening to you and if he told you about the other lady, then there is a fighting chance.

Now this is just me but if I was the OP, I would buy the hottest, sexiest bedtime outfit I could find and bring my happy butt over to his room with some champagne and seduce him. Take the power and show him that he is wanted and love. Yes it's putting yourself out there for rejection but isnt it only fair? I just may be young and naive(Im 28) but for the most part men are pretty simple lol, or at least my Matt is.

OP, I know you have a bit of self esteem problems but you have to fight for what you want. If you really want your husband back then do something. Show him that you love him and want him in your life and not just for your kids sake but because you can't imagine life without him. GO GET YOUR MAN

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I never said I was horrible to him. When I say I didn't treat him right I am talking about just the little things that I took for granted. And no I wouldn't expect anyone to live like that, but if I had a problem with my DH I would have told him and tried to make it work by getting counceling or something. Not just turn around and walk away without even giving my marraige a chance to fix the problems.

Yes but the things you described you did to him are very hard for someone to put up with. There are consequences to that.
Saying things like "mid-life crisis" or trying to beat yourself or him up, is not going to help you right now.

I am truely sorry you are going thru this, I really am. Since he sounds like he is "done", the best advice I can give you is to stop wondering "why", and get on with getting you "ducks in a row", legally.
{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Disney Doll]

You know what. Marital difficulties can't be solved with a sexy nightgown and a night of hot sex.

This didn't happen overnight and it is not going to be fixed overnight.

It's also not going to be fixed if hubby doesn't want to try.

You say you haven't been nice to him. OK...you haven't been nice to him. I am quite sure, in spite of what you're romanticizing now about him being the absolute perefct husband and father...that there were times when he wasn't so nice to you either. Like when he went on a date with another woman as a married man. Hello! That speaks to integrity or a lack thereof.

Sorry, but if I was unhappy with my marriage, I'd talk to my spouse, I'd ask my spouse to go to counselling, I'd go to counselling alone if my spouse wouldn't, I'd try to be aware of what behaviors I was doing that were harmful to the marriage. But I can tell you that what I wouldn't be doing would be going out looking for a date. So don't get too caught up in the wonderfulness of your husband, because he ain't all that wonderful if he'll break his marriage vows and break up his family without wanting to try and save things. And you made a statement about not being able to believe what you are doing to your girls...newsflash...he has a part in that decision as well, and he is choosing not to now try and work on things when you both agree there is a problem. So stop the self-flaggelation. There are two people involved in every marriage and they share equally in the glory when it's good and the blame when it's not.

I agree with starting to plan. You'll feel more in control. Plan for if he stays and plan for if he goes. Call a lawyer, call a counsellor, answer your daughter's quesitons honestly...there is nothing wrong with saying "I don't know" if they ask a question that you don't know the answer to. I'd also make sure that Dad had to face their questions too.

You weren't perfect, neither was he. So stop blaming yourself, take some action to fix it if he'll cooperate, call a lawyer so you know your options.

 

[need_a_Disney_fix]

Very well put, Disney Doll. My DH and I have been married 26 years and almost divorced in 1988. We both went through marriage counseling and it worked! No...lets rephrase that...we made it work. We are VERY close today and in fact, we work at the same office and he is my boss. I love him more than life itself and its hard to believe we were just short of calling it quits. COMMUNICATION AND TRUST!!!!!

 

[Marseeya]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar with my DH and we ended up separating for a while before finally reconciling. I swear by the advice in the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis. Someone also posted her website. The advice in that book saved my marriage.

The marriagebuilders site is also very good. But Divorce Busting can really give you hope when it seems there's none to be had.

I really hope things work out for you. You just need to take care of yourself and the kids.

 

[MareQ]

I hate to say this but it takes 2 to make a marriage, 2 to break a marriage and 2 to fix a marriage. You can have all the love and remorse in the world but it's not going to do a dang thing unless your husband is willing to accept responsibility for his part and until he's willing to make an effort.

So far I have read you talking about YOUR shortcomings - but what about your husband. Does he understand and accept responsibility for HIS FAULTS and the things he has done wrong? Has he apologized for going on a DATE with a woman?

I know you love him dearly and want to work it out but I am having a hard time getting past the whole date thing. I am not sure I would want to hang on to a guy that would be so blatently disrespectful - not just disrespectful torwards me, but towards our promise to each other, to our children and family, to our past and everything we worked so hard for. I know it's easy for me to say never having been through this (thank goodness) but I just hate when some people do things like this!

Why is it that MOST marriages end like this now? WHY can't MOST people do what they need to do and be honest with their spouse BEFORE they cross that line with another person outside of their marriage?? This is SUCH a hurtful thing to go through and such a CRAPPY, SELFISH AND IMMATURE way to end a marriage and break up a family. Why can't some people be honest with their spouses and give themselves and their spouses an opportunity to CORRECT what may be going wrong???

Sorry for the rant - I just don't get it and I am so sorry you and your children are going through this.

 

[diznygirl]

OP - You should re-read Disney Doll's post a few times - maybe print it out - that's some good advice right there.

Call and make an appointment to see a counselor. Ask him to go along. Tell him you want to make this work. Stop apologizing to him. Tell him that you are doing some thinking as well and will let him know what YOU decide!

Good luck!

 

[notastranger]

Has he apologized for going on a DATE with a woman?

Actually he has. He said he was so sorry, and he knows he f-ed up. And trust me I am no way excusing him for what he did, it was WRONG.

I just cannot understand why he wouldn't want to try and work on the problems. I know what they are and he knows what they are and they are things that can be fixed. I am just totally dumbfounded. I never in a million years thought that this was going to happen...on Father's Day no less.

 

[mrsdon]

Im sorry you are going through this, but maybe he has been feeling this way for a long time and needs to be alone to get his thoughts together.
I had problems with my DH and I thought he knew we were having great difficulties, but he was clueless. I expected him to know how mad and unhappy I was, but he just didnt get it.
I guess my point is, maybe DH is closing himself off, because he thinks you know whats wrong.
I know for a long time I didnt even want to be on the same planet as DH.
I made myself go to marriage counceling.
Its been 9 years since we had our problems and Im happier than ever.
If he refuses to go. maybe you should go for yourself.
Hiugs and prayers for you.

 

[Disney Doll]

Why is it that MOST marriages end like this now? WHY can't MOST people do what they need to do and be honest with their spouse BEFORE they cross that line with another person outside of their marriage?? This is SUCH a hurtful thing to go through and such a CRAPPY, SELFISH AND IMMATURE way to end a marriage and break up a family. Why can't some people be honest with their spouses and give themselves and their spouses an opportunity to CORRECT what may be going wrong???

You know, I ask myself this question constantly.

Unhappiness in a marriage is no excuse for cheating. If you're unhappy, fix it or break up and divorce, but don't break your word. It speaks more about you (the universal "you", not directed at a specific person), your integrity, your trustworthiness, your morals, your ethics, and so on, than it does about your spouse or situation.

 

[Disney Doll]

I just cannot understand why he wouldn't want to try and work on the problems. I know what they are and he knows what they are and they are things that can be fixed. I am just totally dumbfounded. I never in a million years thought that this was going to happen...on Father's Day no less.

Because right now he is being self-centered, just like you were for the past few years/months...whatever your time frame was.

And it's easier to walk away and say "my wife was a cranky witch" than it is to go to counselling, and find out that neither he nor you are perfect. Counselling has a funnny way of pointing out everyone's flaws, and right now he has decided that he is the "wronged" one. Maybe he is, partially, and maybe you are partially...marriages don't break up based on the actions of one person though.

And that, my dear OP, is what he doesn't want to hear.

 

[ILUVMYBRIT]

I think I was in your hubbies position a few years back. I woke up and suddenly (yes it was as suddenly) realised how truly unhappy and unappreciated I felt. I didnt really blame my ex though. I knew I was the one responsible for my own happiness but had not done anything to rectify that. I had lived the way I had, allowing him to make me feel totally replacable and never told him how I felt until it was too late.He never purposely made me feel that way, but I also never communicated it to him. We did try counseling..but by then there was so much anger built up between us both. He was angry because I threw this at him and totally shook up his world...and me because he couldnt see that there was any type of problem. The counseling didnt work because of this and we are happily divorced now and good friends.
Try counseling and give him time. As others have said...it takes two and he will need to see his part in this as well as yours.

 

[NMAmy]

You know what. Marital difficulties can't be solved with a sexy nightgown and a night of hot sex.

This didn't happen overnight and it is not going to be fixed overnight.

It's also not going to be fixed if hubby doesn't want to try.

You say you haven't been nice to him. OK...you haven't been nice to him. I am quite sure, in spite of what you're romanticizing now about him being the absolute perefct husband and father...that there were times when he wasn't so nice to you either. Like when he went on a date with another woman as a married man. Hello! That speaks to integrity or a lack thereof.

Sorry, but if I was unhappy with my marriage, I'd talk to my spouse, I'd ask my spouse to go to counselling, I'd go to counselling alone if my spouse wouldn't, I'd try to be aware of what behaviors I was doing that were harmful to the marriage. But I can tell you that what I wouldn't be doing would be going out looking for a date. So don't get too caught up in the wonderfulness of your husband, because he ain't all that wonderful if he'll break his marriage vows and break up his family without wanting to try and save things. And you made a statement about not being able to believe what you are doing to your girls...newsflash...he has a part in that decision as well, and he is choosing not to now try and work on things when you both agree there is a problem. So stop the self-flaggelation. There are two people involved in every marriage and they share equally in the glory when it's good and the blame when it's not.

I agree with starting to plan. You'll feel more in control. Plan for if he stays and plan for if he goes. Call a lawyer, call a counsellor, answer your daughter's quesitons honestly...there is nothing wrong with saying "I don't know" if they ask a question that you don't know the answer to. I'd also make sure that Dad had to face their questions too.

You weren't perfect, neither was he. So stop blaming yourself, take some action to fix it if he'll cooperate, call a lawyer so you know your options.

Amen! I was getting all wound up and ready to post but you said everything I was thinking.

Please listen to the advice I wish someone had given me--STOP blaming yourself, make a plan to take care of you and your girls with or without him, and have some self-respect. I read your posts and I remember going through the same things so vividly. I'm sorry to say this but it does sound as though he's having an affair. Do some detective work and think back over the last few months.

I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you. But you have a responsibility to your girls--take care of them and take care of yourself, both legally and emotionally. See an attorney. See a counsellor.

I know the feeling of apathy that can overcome you--you just want things to stay the same no matter how that happens. But things have changed now--even if you and your husband get back together.

 

[notastranger]

Another quick update...

Saturday was really bad. He decided that this was the end. He packed his stuff and left. Heated words were said, then he left. Sunday I called him to make sure he was OK. He said not really. I went to church and told him that we weren't going to be home, and that he could stop by and get a shower if he wanted. I got home from church and called him. I said to him how does it feel to be alone...that is what you wanted right, He said I am making a mistake. Then a little later we talk again and he asks if he can come home. I said are you serious and he said yes and I said do you want to work this out and he said yes. He came home and said he was sorry and that he really wanted to try and work this out, including the feelings that he has of wanting to be on his own. I told him that that was all it was was a feeling and that it would go away, and the feelings he had for his wife and daughters would never go away. He went to hockey last night, and when he came home he seemed distant again. Not really bad, but enough. Then this morning he cursed to me 2 times(I tried talking to him and he said if I am f-inf g late for work, then he said he had to get a f-ing shower) which he has never done(I think he is having a hard time dealing with these feelings). It really is weird. I called him at work and asked him if he truely wanted to try and work this out and he said yes, then I said well what do you want from me because I feel like I am smothering him right now with love, but I am afraid to back away in fear of him forgetting how much I really do love him. Well we usually have bowling league on Mondays with the church and I asked him if he wanted to go and he said yes, and we also have our first meeting for marriage counciling tomorrow. I really hope that he can open up during this time. I mean I know there are problems and I know that I shoulod have done alot of stuff differently, but he just has to give me a chance to prove to him that I know what the problems are and give me a chance to show him that they can and will be fixed.

I hope what I said makes a little sense, I feel like I rambled alot.