How to rekindle a marriage...UPDATE POST #96...

[notastranger]

I swear by the advice in the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis. But Divorce Busting can really give you hope when it seems there's none to be had.

I tried to find the book today, but Borders said it went out of print back in 1993???? I even tried the library and they didn't have it.

 

[disneymom3]

I am glad to hear that you are going to counseling. That is a good step. I will also say however, that no way no how would I allow someone to curse at me. Someone who treats you with that much disrespect is not being a loving spouse.

And as far as feelings go, love is not a feeling--it is an action and sometimes you just have to CHOOSE to love someone.

 

[grlpwrd]

I tried to find the book today, but Borders said it went out of print back in 1993???? I even tried the library and they didn't have it.

I mentioned this earlier in the thread... Her website is www.divorcebusting.com .

GL to you and your family!

 

[notastranger]

I am glad to hear that you are going to counseling. That is a good step. I will also say however, that no way no how would I allow someone to curse at me. Someone who treats you with that much disrespect is not being a loving spouse.

And as far as feelings go, love is not a feeling--it is an action and sometimes you just have to CHOOSE to love someone.

I should rephrase that. He didn't curse at me just to me...like I tried talking to him and he said if I am f-ing late for work....then he said I have to get in the f-ing shower. The curses weren't directed at me. Sorry about that... I eill go back and rewrite my post.

 

[disneymom3]

I should rephrase that. He didn't curse at me just to me...like I tried talking to him and he said if I am f-ing late for work....then he said I have to get in the f-ing shower. The curses weren't directed at me. Sorry about that... I eill go back and rewrite my post.

I understand. That is good to hear. Good luck with your counseling. I hope that it goes well for you and you are able to work through these issues.

 

[Disney Doll]

Best of luck.

 

[notastranger]

Well, we went to counceling last night, and at first he just didn't want to be bothered, but after talking for a while he said he wants to give it a second chance. Now how do I bring back the feelings he had for me when we got married??? I really want this to work out. How do you guys keep the love alive in your marriage??

Thanks so much for listening and all your help. You guys are the best!!!!

 

[Nancyg56]

I wish you the best of luck. I think that counciling is very hard and stirs up a lot of emotions that may have been repressed for a long time. It is not a magic pill that solves the problem, so just be prepared for the situation to get worse before it ges better. It took time for my DH and I to work thru our own personal issues and then to work together to save our marriage. Sometimes it was like riding an emotional roller coaster, and exhausting. Now, I cannot imagine the way we had lived because this is so much better, and our commitment is so much stronger.

Again, to you.

 

[phillybeth]

Well, we went to counceling last night, and at first he just didn't want to be bothered, but after talking for a while he said he wants to give it a second chance. Now how do I bring back the feelings he had for me when we got married??? I really want this to work out. How do you guys keep the love alive in your marriage??

Thanks so much for listening and all your help. You guys are the best!!!!

YOU don't bring back HIS feelings. And it will never be the same as it was when you fell in love and got married. You need to accept that. Things will NEVER be the same as they were- and that is a good thing because obviously things weren't as good as you thought they were!

Marriage counseling is hard work. But it is worth it. If you both stick with it and are HONEST with yourselves, each other, and your therapist.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, we went to counceling last night, and at first he just didn't want to be bothered, but after talking for a while he said he wants to give it a second chance. Now how do I bring back the feelings he had for me when we got married??? I really want this to work out. How do you guys keep the love alive in your marriage??

Thanks so much for listening and all your help. You guys are the best!!!!

Live for today! Work on solutions and stop dragging in the past of "whodunnit". That will get you off track. Sounds like both of you made mistakes so time to learn a new way, a better way.
Learn how to communicate with each other without tearing each other up. Your counselor will help you there.

You said when you looked at Dr. Laura's book you did everything "wrong" there. Reread it. Her book is basic common sense on how to approach your husband. I mean as silly as it sounds there, it is how guys feel.

Best wishes to you!

 

[Divamomto3]

Well, we went to counceling last night, and at first he just didn't want to be bothered, but after talking for a while he said he wants to give it a second chance. Now how do I bring back the feelings he had for me when we got married??? I really want this to work out. How do you guys keep the love alive in your marriage??

Thanks so much for listening and all your help. You guys are the best!!!!

I hope you can work your marriage out. I'm glad you are getting the chance. As another poster said, I don't think you can MAKE your husband feel a certain way about you. I have no advice on keeping the love alive in marriage. I have been married for 15 years and I've never felt that I didn't love my husband and never felt like he didn't love me. Yes, we've had disagreements and I've had a lot of days I felt angry or resentful, but never not in love. My day may come...who knows. I do think you can consciously decide to make yourself have a great marriage.

 

[Sherri]

Another quick update...

Saturday was really bad. He decided that this was the end. He packed his stuff and left. Heated words were said, then he left. Sunday I called him to make sure he was OK. He said not really. I went to church and told him that we weren't going to be home, and that he could stop by and get a shower if he wanted. I got home from church and called him. I said to him how does it feel to be alone...that is what you wanted right, He said I am making a mistake. Then a little later we talk again and he asks if he can come home. I said are you serious and he said yes and I said do you want to work this out and he said yes. He came home and said he was sorry and that he really wanted to try and work this out, including the feelings that he has of wanting to be on his own. I told him that that was all it was was a feeling and that it would go away, and the feelings he had for his wife and daughters would never go away. He went to hockey last night, and when he came home he seemed distant again. Not really bad, but enough. Then this morning he cursed to me 2 times(I tried talking to him and he said if I am f-inf g late for work, then he said he had to get a f-ing shower) which he has never done(I think he is having a hard time dealing with these feelings). It really is weird. I called him at work and asked him if he truely wanted to try and work this out and he said yes, then I said well what do you want from me because I feel like I am smothering him right now with love, but I am afraid to back away in fear of him forgetting how much I really do love him. Well we usually have bowling league on Mondays with the church and I asked him if he wanted to go and he said yes, and we also have our first meeting for marriage counciling tomorrow. I really hope that he can open up during this time. I mean I know there are problems and I know that I shoulod have done alot of stuff differently, but he just has to give me a chance to prove to him that I know what the problems are and give me a chance to show him that they can and will be fixed.

I hope what I said makes a little sense, I feel like I rambled alot.

It will be a lot of hard work and patients, but every step you are taking is a step in the right direction. The marriage counsiling may do wonders for both of you. It sounds like it may be like a mid life crisis for him (did not read everyones response so someone may have already suggested that). I commend you for staying strong and fighting for what you want.
All things worth having are worth the fight.
Hang in there and remember no matter what happands you as a person will be okay. Nobody else controls your ability to be okay.

 

[simpilotswife]

My take on it is that you are smothering him, a lot. It sounds as though you are constantly at him about this and if you're not careful you are going to lose him.

Let the man alone about it, especially at work.

 

[Crankyshank]

It sounds like you're treating this like a competition or a goal you can achieve and check off your list.
Work on your marriage because you want and need him. Not because he's a possession.

You can't make his feelings come back. Especially since your behavior led significantly to the problem you are dealing with. Work on yourself. Be the person you want to be and he'll react favorably. Don't harp on him or pester him for status because that's just going to drive him away.

 

[Rajah]

It does sound like y'all are moving in the right direction, at least. *hugs*

 

[CathrynRose]

My take on it is that you are smothering him, a lot. It sounds as though you are constantly at him about this and if you're not careful you are going to lose him.

Let the man alone about it, especially at work.

I dont wanna pour salt on your wounds, but I agree with this.

Men will pull away and the more you bother, and ask, and ask, and ask - the further they'll pull. You have to give them room to "snap back"

Its hard - but quit calling him so question - know what I mean?

 

[tar heel]

Really good advice from the last couple of posters. When I'm in the middle of something, it really annoys me to be asked about my progress. Asking him if he liked being alone since that's what he said he wanted is the kind of thing you need to try really hard not to do. As hard as it sounds, you need to try to give him some emotional space. He came back and he's going to counseling -- that's a lot.

 

[laura001]

Counseling can take a lot of time ( years even) and a lot of hard work. It tends to dredge up a multitude of other feelings, concerns etc. that you had no idea were there. Deal with them one at a time and let your counselor lead you as to when and how to deal with them.

My DH and I went through a very long time of counseling and sometimes there were times that I would go myself, he would go himself and we would go together all in one week. Our counselor also had us journaling to her via email constantly so she could keep up with what was going on. I think that I am one of the lucky ones that stuck through all the pain etc. of counseling and am now married to my ABSOLUTE best friend and love of my life!!!! So, it can work, just trust whoever it is that is counseling you to lead you down the path as the two of you are ready.

 

[Debbie Jean]

YOU don't bring back HIS feelings. And it will never be the same as it was when you fell in love and got married. You need to accept that. Things will NEVER be the same as they were- and that is a good thing because obviously things weren't as good as you thought they were!

Marriage counseling is hard work. But it is worth it. If you both stick with it and are HONEST with yourselves, each other, and your therapist.

So very true. Your relationship, whatever the final outcome of it is, will NEVER be the same. It will be forever changed.

My marriage ended 10 years ago after 17 years together. It was without question the toughest time I ever went through. We went through marriage counseling along with individual therapy for each of us.

There is a misconception some people have about marriage counselors, thinking that if you aren't going to stay together than it's not worth it. Nor true. Sometimes what the counselor helps you do is understand how your relationship evolved, why it is where it is, and how to learn to move on. In your position now, that's not what you want to hear... ending the marriage. But you need to know that whatever happens, you and your kids will be OK.

I think what I hear in your posts is someone who is scared more than anything. You want questions answered and things to be settled... quickly. You will need to learn patience... and really acknowledge the seriousness of DH's feelings. Wanting to be alone is not just a passing fancy... and the conflict he is acting out is an indication of how serious this is and how troubled he feels. Whatever his confusion, it's serious enough that he dated another woman behind your back. This has nothing to do with you forgiving him. It's a reflection of the depth of his unhappiness.

Both of you need to figure out how your relationship got to this point before you can move forward. With work... lots of it... patience... lots of it... and time, your marriage may, in fact, emerge stronger than it ever was before.

Right now it hurts more than you feel you can bear, I know. See about some individual therapy just for you and work on yourself, your sense of self worth and sel esteem. And focus on being there for the little ones. They need you!

 

[of the seas]

I wouldn't call him as much. You don't want to end up nagging him to death. I would say something like..."If you ever want to talk about anything, give me a call anytime a day. I will listen and be there for you." Then see if he calls you. he seems to have a lot to work out with himself. Sometimes it takes a while.