How to handle Grandparents favoring one set of Grandkids over another?

[lauradis]

OP, please, please forget you read the post by auralia. Taking that thought "on board" and stewing on it is bound to do nothing positive for your situation and will cause you to start interpreting every little thing through that "lens". Many things you have said here, when viewed from the outside simply describe a Grandma that is more parental with a much younger set of kids (hence the "holding them alot", taking charge of them in restaurants, etc.). Little kids, especially ones who have learned to be "in your face" for attention all the time are much different to relate to than older ones. Do you expect her to "hold" your 12 y.o.? That probably won't happen.

By your own admission, this situation is waaay more hurtful to YOU than either your DH or kids, who ostensibly this is about, but rather it seems you are reading their relationship as an offence to, and rejection of, you. You've also said your kids DO NOT complain about the interactions they have with their GParents; maybe they take value in the relationship they do have without the "baggage" you are projecting into it. If that's the case I would lean towards letting your kids spend time with them without you or your DH, to relate to each other however comes naturally to them. (You've already said the reason you don't is because it's too painful for you to watch.) As they get older, your kids may very likely remember times like that much more fondly than you might expect them to.

And honestly, I just have to say it again...you need to TALK to your IL's. If as you describe it, you once were close until this idea of rivalry between the kids started to foment, reach down into that place and let them know what you're feeling. But please try to own it for yourself; a quite cup of tea with your ML pouring out your own hurt over this situation, in a genuine, non-accusatory way and asking for her help might go a long way towards enlightenment for all of you. If nothing else, it would at least get your DH "out of the middle" and that alone would be a good thing, right? He must experience quite a lot of stress over the fall-out from these visits.

This is really the only way to be closer, have a relationship or know where you stand.

 

[quandrea]

A lot of posters say that the op may be reading into the situation too much and that those of us with poor familial relationships are projecting. In my case it is my parents who slight us. They have chosen to reject me and my children. Long story but it involves a favoured child.

I always sensed that things were off, that I was being judged and that grudges were being kept. I think if something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Trust your gut in life. Now I don't know what you should do about it. Speaking up may or may not improve things. Perhaps it may help for a bit and then people fall into old patterns. That was certainly the case with me.

You are probably best to focus on your own family--dh and kids. They will do just fine without a close relationship with grandma and grandpa. It would be nice to have the relationship but if it isn't happening I would try not to dwell on it.

 

[Laura66]

This is really the only way to be closer, have a relationship or know where you stand.

I would strongly caution op to think carefully about what she says and how she says it though.

I really don't see the mil doing anything hurtful - mostly that the relationships don't meet the op's expectations. I would hope that the op would take a step back and think about what SHE can also do to foster a closer relationship with the mil, sil and the nieces and nephews she doesn't seem to like. Realize this isn't a competition and sometimes a mother is just going to be closer to her daughter.

 

[lauradis]

I would strongly caution op to think carefully about what she says and how she says it though.

I really don't see the mil doing anything hurtful - mostly that the relationships don't meet the op's expectations. I would hope that the op would take a step back and think about what SHE can also do to foster a closer relationship with the mil, sil and the nieces and nephews she doesn't seem to like. Realize this isn't a competition and sometimes a mother is just going to be closer to her daughter.

Yes talk, not accuse.

ei "I feel like we aren't as close as we where, what can I do to fix this." " I have missed how closer we where, what can I do to fix it" "what can I do for you while Im here to help you."

It more like the op doesn't seem to like the sil.

 

[vrajewski10513]

I have to agree with alot of the other posters saying that she probably won't ever change. I think its alot easier to accept that fact, than deal with all this pent up resentment because you feel your kids are being slighted.

Growing up me and my siblings were always closer with my maternal grandparents than we were with my paternal grandparents. I can see both sides of the story because we were seen as the "favorites" on my moms side, but we were on the opposite side of the spectrum with my dads parents. As an adult, I don't look back and feel as though my dad's parents loved me or my siblings any less, we just had a different kind of relationship with them than some of my cousins (distance plays no factor here, as we all live in the immediate area).

I dont know if anyone touched on this topic at all, and I know its not true for every family before anyone attacks my theory. But as adults, I think more women try to maintain a closer relationship with their parents than many men do. In turn, their kids may see their maternal grandparents and feel closer to them. Just an idea, your relationship with your parents sometimes mirrors your kids relationship with them as well.

 

[Laura66]

Also, Aren't sil kids younger?

In my family - and most of the ones I know - more attention is paid to the younger children, well, because that's the nature of young children. The older cousins usually love watching them and keeping the magic of the Easter Bunny and Santa alive while forging those cousin relationships. While the little ones need minding the older children have a more relaxed and different relationship with aunts uncles and grandparents. Talking more, playing older games etc. Who did you think was going to mind the children while eating out or holding them. As an aunt you would think you might jump at the chance to as you point out bond and get to know these nieces and nephews. That would give you that opportunity AND give mil and sil a break so they could give undivided attention to your children. See how that goes both ways??

I really would not have a talk with her until you reflect and look back and see what you to can do to be closer with you inlaws AND your nieces and nephews!

 

[NewRVLady]

I dont know if anyone touched on this topic at all, and I know its not true for every family before anyone attacks my theory. But as adults, I think more women try to maintain a closer relationship with their parents than many men do. In turn, their kids may see their maternal grandparents and feel closer to them. Just an idea, your relationship with your parents sometimes mirrors your kids relationship with them as well.

I agree- My MIL was much closer to her DD's kids....and I understood
I am glad I did not hold hurt as the OP-because as time wore on and the kids grew and left ,I have become very close to my MIL

When You keep looking for little petty things it festers and changes your view on many things...and I am experiencing this with my brothers wife-who holds grudges from things my Mom "supposedly" did 20-25 years ago

 

[mom2my3kids]

I have dealt with this for years, Its all about the youngest brothers kids..While years ago I used to get all worked up over it, now I just don't care..Its them missing out on my kids, while they are still great grandparents you can tell a difference when the whole family is together.....Everyone sees it even the older grandkids, but I just don't let it bother me like it did when my kids were little, I have my mom and she is a godsend....plus now my older kids can keep a eye on the younger one if we ever want to go out and do something as a couple..But I will say when my kids were little, we NEVER went out as a couple only as a family and I really think couples need this..

 

[marlynnp]

Thank you for your kind post, this is how I feel about it. When my children are older, as much as I'd love to live close to them, I want them to let life take them wherever they wish to go. And if they have kids, I will make every effort to be a loving grandparent to each of them. I just don't see the distance and or the other kids needing MIL as a reason to let my children be left out. I'm only asking for small amounts of time and effort.

In laws do not have internet, facetime, etc. But phone calls are a great idea, and we will definitely start making the effort to do this. No, MIL and FIL do not call the kids, they call occasionally and speak with DH or I, and will talk with the kids if one of them answers the phone. DH also calls them. MIL will a lot of times put one of DSIL's kids on the phone to talk with DH or I, which at this point is frustrating since she doesn't ask to speak with our kids. It feels like we have a closer relationship with our nieces and nephews than the IL's have with our 2. We can certainly make the effort for the kids to call and talk to them though, which we haven't tried yet.

I highlighted the above because this is a prime example of what I see to be your problem.

You have certain expectations in your head for some reason, but instead of making an effort to have them met, you are getting upset at others for not reading your mind. Most parents I know put their kids on the phone to talk to relatives, they initiate!

And I don't see your children being "left out", the in-laws are including ALL their grandchildren. They obviously have a very close relationship with the other grandchildren and you shouldn't be expecting them to 'leave out' those kids when you visit.

From what you have presented, I don't think you in-laws are a problem. I think you need to adjust your expectations and do more yourself to facilitate any changes you may desire. Have your kids plan an outing with the grandparents ahead of time and you and your husband can watch the nieces and nephews if that is what it takes for them to have one on one time when you visit.

And I believe that as long as you don't project your 'disappointment' in the relationship that your kids have with their grandparents, they won't think there is anything wrong.

Kids see that their friends all have different grandparent relationships and that there real is no ideal standard anymore. The time of the whole extended family living in the same neighborhood and all going to Grandma's for Sunday dinner is long gone -- and that's when you could really tell who was the favorite, lol.

 

[newdisneygal]

I'm just not ready to throw to inlaws and sil under the bus based on one side of the story. People are making a lot of assumptions (myself included) but we really have no idea and assuming that mil doesn't like op or her kids - or that she favors them - is not fair.

Maybe the sil could write a post sonething like - my mother had been helping me thru a really rough patch. My kids and I really appreciate and rely on her to help us out and she's really protective and close with my children. I can tell when my sil comes into town that she does not like me or my children. I would love to get to know her better and have the cousins enjoy each other but she's only interested in one on one time with my mil.

Just a thought.

My nephew and ex sil are really close to my inlaws. The live closer and their schedules are such that they are able to check in on them more often and take them to doctor apts., etc. My children and I know that there is just something special between them and she is has a particularly soft spot for my nephew. We know she adores and loves and is proud of my children and that she loves me - but they do have a bond that we don't have. It would never even occur to me or my children to be jealous or resentful of that. We all have that special bond with certain family or friends - that's just life.

And just because a relationship isn't what we imagine or want doesn't always mean there is a slight or hard feelings or less love.

 

[EMom]

I highlighted the above because this is a prime example of what I see to be your problem.

You have certain expectations in your head for some reason, but instead of making an effort to have them met, you are getting upset at others for not reading your mind. Most parents I know put their kids on the phone to talk to relatives, they initiate!

And I don't see your children being "left out", the in-laws are including ALL their grandchildren. They obviously have a very close relationship with the other grandchildren and you shouldn't be expecting them to 'leave out' those kids when you visit.

From what you have presented, I don't think you in-laws are a problem. I think you need to adjust your expectations and do more yourself to facilitate any changes you may desire. Have your kids plan an outing with the grandparents ahead of time and you and your husband can watch the nieces and nephews if that is what it takes for them to have one on one time when you visit.

And I believe that as long as you don't project your 'disappointment' in the relationship that your kids have with their grandparents, they won't think there is anything wrong.

Kids see that their friends all have different grandparent relationships and that there real is no ideal standard anymore. The time of the whole extended family living in the same neighborhood and all going to Grandma's for Sunday dinner is long gone -- and that's when you could really tell who was the favorite, lol.

The OP's DH calls his mother and the mother doesn't speak to the OP's kids. But she puts the other set of grandchildren on the phone to talk to the OP's DH? That is just odd. It's downright weird to me, because it indicates grandma thinks the world does revolve around one set of grandkids and everyone ought to be thrilled to speak to them, but she doesn't place that much importance on whether she herself even talks to the other set of grandkids.

It does seem as if there is a two tier system of grandkids here. DSIL's kids and everyone else. It is one thing to FEEL favoritism. It is quite another to SHOW favoritism.

In the OP's shoes, I'd go for the hotel and cut down on the visits to the ILs. Have them (just them) come to you a bit more often, to balance things out. Otherwise, your kids are always going to be the also rans. At least if the visit is at your house, the favoritism isn't so obvious.

 

[lauradis]

I really think some of these posts are unfair. I am really keeping an open mind when reading responses. I love my DSIL and I am nice to her when we visit. I get offended because I am actually much nicer to her than her brothers, and I try to encourage her. I've already stated this, but when we go, I am very nice to her kids, play with them, and encourage my kids to play with them. I do not act offish to them, but do feel very worn down by the lack of attention to my 2 by the second day, and may have the "want to go home" look. I am not looking for MIL to change her relationship with her daughter or her kids, I am trying to figure out what path to take that is best for my kids, because this is not working.

Starting this thread has been really helpful though, I can certainly see where we can make some changes and see where it goes. Phone calls and sending their crafts, will be easy to add in. We'll start staying at a hotel, and this will make a huge difference, we've talked about doing this for a while, but it's definitely time to start. Also will start to plan some activities with just FIL, as I think he would enjoy that too. Agree that my expectations definitely need to be altered and I need to try and speak up a little too.

I would not agree that it's right for it to be known that Grandma has a soft spot for one particular child. That seems pretty hurtful.

good luck op

 

[Allison]

The OP's DH calls his mother and the mother doesn't speak to the OP's kids. But she puts the other set of grandchildren on the phone to talk to the OP's DH? That is just odd. It's downright weird to me, because it indicates grandma thinks the world does revolve around one set of grandkids and everyone ought to be thrilled to speak to them, but she doesn't place that much importance on whether she herself even talks to the other set of grandkids.

It does seem as if there is a two tier system of grandkids here. DSIL's kids and everyone else. It is one thing to FEEL favoritism. It is quite another to SHOW favoritism.

In the OP's shoes, I'd go for the hotel and cut down on the visits to the ILs. Have them (just them) come to you a bit more often, to balance things out. Otherwise, your kids are always going to be the also rans. At least if the visit is at your house, the favoritism isn't so obvious.

This shows how people view things so differently because I read that post and thought the opposite of what you came away with. I saw grandma making the effort to have one set of children connect with another part of the family by putting them on the phone but the OP's husband not doing the same with his kids.

 

[Allison]

I really think some of these posts are unfair. I am really keeping an open mind when reading responses. I love my DSIL and I am nice to her when we visit. I get offended because I am actually much nicer to her than her brothers, and I try to encourage her. I've already stated this, but when we go, I am very nice to her kids, play with them, and encourage my kids to play with them. I do not act offish to them, but do feel very worn down by the lack of attention to my 2 by the second day, and may have the "want to go home" look. I am not looking for MIL to change her relationship with her daughter or her kids, I am trying to figure out what path to take that is best for my kids, because this is not working.
.

Have you thought about who it is not working for? The kids or you? Clarity on that might help you moving forward.

 

[SLP958]

Have you thought about who it is not working for? The kids or you? Clarity on that might help you moving forward.

This is an excellent question.

I have not read through all the pages of this so if this perspective has been already shared I apologize.

I was one of the non favored grandkids growing up. I had one living grandmother (all other grandparents were deceased).

I knew as early as I can remember I was not a favorite. The most glaring thing that stood out to me was my cousins talking about how the always got Popsicles at her house. I knew I had never been offered a Popsicle.

It is not that I believe she did not love me, I just was not a favorite. She had 13 grandchildren and 5 were the preferred ones.

All this being said, I have no hard feelings about her or towards my cousins.

I do know that my mother has always been sorry that
1. I only had the one grandparent
2. The one I had did not make much effort.

It has bothered her way more than it ever has me.

Hope this helps because it is a hard situation to be in.

 

[dismichelle]

No, I don't want them to stay home the entire time, I enjoy seeing my nieces and nephews. I would like a portion of time reserved to spend some time with my kids, that is the entire reason we are making the long drive, so my kids can build a relationship with their grandparents. Like I said, DSIL is at in laws house a lot when we are not in for a visit, but not all the time. They don't live there. For some reason when we are visiting DSIL is there with the kids the whole time.

As for the bolded, don't count on it happening.
I live 3 hours away from all of my family. If I'm either visiting or on the phone with my mom, the only thing I hear about the entire time is how this grandchild does this or that or her tending to their every need when there. She flat out just ignores mine. It's my mom, so I've had some pretty blunt talks with her about it and she says she will try to do better - never happens.

I've given up on trying to change it and just have to accept it as is. Definitely her loss. The only stipulation I now have is when they do their once yearly visit here, I request it to be just my parents and not all the other grandchildren.

I think this subject brings up a couple of questions.
I believe it's the adult's (grandparents in this case) responsibility to try to forge a relationship with a child, my mom simply hasn't tried to have one with my children.
I also don't believe a lot of posters saying that of course a grandparent would be closer to a child they see everyday. What happens when a kid goes off to college or moves several hours away - I'm sure any mom would still feel just as close to that child as they would the others still living at home.

 

[dismichelle]

It almost sounds like the sil is more the problem than mil. When you say your mil takes care of your nieces and nephews, do you mean that she does everything for them rather than their mother doing anything?

Doesn't sound that way to me. The OP's SIL sounds a lot like my sister.
My sister and mom are both the problem - codependency. Mom constantly complains about watching my nephews, but won't make my sister take responsibility for her children. My mom wouldn't know what to do if my sister actually became a mom and raised her own children and my sister wouldn't know what to do if my mom stood up to her and told her she was going to stop being a 2nd mom to the boys.

One big old ball of crazy codependency at it's finest.

 

[Bluestars]

Doesn't sound that way to me. The OP's SIL sounds a lot like my sister.
My sister and mom are both the problem - codependency. Mom constantly complains about watching my nephews, but won't make my sister take responsibility for her children. My mom wouldn't know what to do if my sister actually became a mom and raised her own children and my sister wouldn't know what to do if my mom stood up to her and told her she was going to stop being a 2nd mom to the boys.

One big old ball of crazy codependency at it's finest.

This situation is probably very common. My brother refuses to step up to the plate and be responsible for his kids, so my mom stepped into the parental role. She complains about it, but keeps doing it. She feels like if she doesn't keep doing it, the kids will suffer. That's just the way it is and neither my mom nor my brother will ever change. It's easier to accept the things that we have no control over than to let them bother us.

 

[Laura66]

Well no wonder so many posters call th co-dependency card! Take a look at any thread here on any day and you'll see parens that do everything for their children! Never let them make decisions on their own! Well look what happens when they grow up!

I see too many people here - and in real life - who think they should be the center of everyone's universe. And when they have children they expect relatives to think the same.

Are there some terrible parents and grandparents out there? Oh I'm sure there are - but I also know too many people who expect their parents to watch their kids for free so they can work, drop everything to attend every sports or extra curricular activity, get jealous and see slights when there are none.

 

[lolainkent]

I admittedly haven't read the entire thread (read page, 9-10).

I was a non-favoured grandchild (my dad's parents). They already were believers of "children should be seen and not heard," but feeling like they didn't really care about me was a hard pill to swallow. I did not notice this at a young age, it became more and more apparent as I grew up and as I look back on my childhood.

I could type out examples - from being left out of the annual Christmas card year after year (cousins were included), no attempt to contact DH and I when her first great-grandchild was born, not even talking to DH & DS at my brother's wedding despite my DH's multiple attempts, etc. On the other hand, one of my cousins grew up so close to her that her daughter has grandma's name as a middle name.

My point here: OP's kids may not notice it now, but they likely will. That said, I'm okay with it. I'm a decent person and if my grandma didn't feel compelled to have me in her life, then it's her loss.