How to handle Grandparents favoring one set of Grandkids over another?

[Tinkermommy]

I have really been thinking about your situation OP.

Thinking back to my childhood my sister and I rarely had my grandparents all to ourselves. My grandparents lived 600 miles away so we only saw them once or twice a year.

My mother is one of 10 children and I have 26 first cousins. All the family was over to visit, no one on one stuff here. I remember those trips as some of the best times but it was because we were all together and I loved playing with my cousins.

Your MIL might very well feel more like a parent than a Grandma to the other kids. And it may be a lot of "work" for her so more kid/guests in the house maybe overwhelming and she is not able to communicate that.

If you want them to be closer then you will need to make the effort. Calls are nice but even sending them cards, notes or artwork from the kids will help bridge the distance.

If your inlaws have smart phones text them cute things the kids say or fun pictures. You may not get a big response at first but they will like the contact and look forward to it.

Best of luck.

 

[lauradis]

No, I don't want them to stay home the entire time, I enjoy seeing my nieces and nephews. I would like a portion of time reserved to spend some time with my kids, that is the entire reason we are making the long drive, so my kids can build a relationship with their grandparents. Like I said, DSIL is at in laws house a lot when we are not in for a visit, but not all the time. They don't live there. For some reason when we are visiting DSIL is there with the kids the whole time.

Since you enjoy spending time with your niece and nephew why don't you take them out somewhere while your mil spends time with just your kids when you go to visit for coupke of hours? Leave your DH with mil to see how it goes

 

[SamRoc]

Dh is one of 6 kids, my mother in law definitely favors one son and his wife and kids above the rest. they can do no wrong. my kids are 29 and 25 and have felt this for years. Its just something that will never change, you just get used to it. She has pictures of my one brother in laws kids all over her house, even in the bathroom! My kids have alot of people that love them, its too bad my husbands mother plays favorites. They are terrific kids!

 

[snugglebug]

I didn't read all the replies, but thought I'd chime in anyway.

I have the same situation. In fact, my sister and her children are currently living with my parents. We lived out of state for several years and recently moved back within a few hours of everyone else. I had this secret hope that my children would get to know and build great relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It's not happening. The favoritism was noticed my me right away, but my kids have not really said much about it. It drives me crazy. I've come to the conclusion that I can not influence the relationship my parents have with my kids. Ten years from now when my kids are not close to their grandparents as their cousins are, it will be because my parents didn't invest in building that relationship and they will be the ones missing out. The same goes for my husband's father and his wife, who make very little effort to see my children. They only have one other grandchild so there isn't as much competition for attention when we do visit them. They are often in our area though and don't even let us know or come to see us or anything. I won't get into that drama, but it is what it is. My older kids see all of this and they are making their own decisions about those relationships, my younger two I still protect a bit by giving them more freedom and attention when traveling. While we can't really afford it, we have and will continue to get a hotel when visiting. It works better anyway as it gives my kids a chance to decompress from a few hours at a full house. It's not ideal and my heart breaks a little for what could be but isn't, but as I said, it is what it is.

 

[Wendy31]

People like to feel needed. Grandma feels needed by SIL and her kids, and that is why you are unlikely to see much change here - she's getting something out of those relationships, in a big way. Yours, not so much. (Not to sound uncaring.) It sounds like your family is more independent, and that, combined with distance, means the depth of the relationships aren't as strong as they are with them. I doubt that it means that Grandma doesn't love your kids. It just means the dynamics are different. But I do agree that it seems to bother you more than anyone. And I can understand that. I think that rather than trying to "beat them", you should "join them". By that I mean, become part of the family rather than always trying to be separate. Have some fun with everyone. Do things together. Join in. Make memories. I know you probably don't exactly enjoy being around them, but the alternative doesn't seem to be working too well, either, and time is going by. I think "joining in" is the way you can get what you want for your kids. Grandma will undoubtedly embrace it since she obviously likes seeing you all together.

I agree with this.

As others have said, your MIL is going to be closer to your SIL's kids just by virtue of them living closer & having more of a "day-to-day" connection.

Also, keep in mind, after having not seen someone for a while (weeks, months, etc.), it takes some time to reconnect & start feeling more comfortable & "easy" w/ one another. And, just when everyone's starting to feel comfortable & more at ease, it's time to go!

While your MIL sees your SIL's kids on an every day basis & has immediate connections & things in common w/ them, it takes a while to reestablish those connections w/ your children. The same every day ease of knowing each other & knowing about each other & have established ways of every day connection is just not there.

Plus, as you've said, your SIL & her kids NEED your MIL. Your MIL is part of their every day lives & routines.

In my family, my sister needs my mother more than I do. Her kids are at my parents' house on a weekly basis. Now, my parents are wonderful (sometimes too much) when it comes to their grandkids, so my kids don't feel slighted at all; however, they just don't have the same day-to-day contact w/ my parents than my sisters' kids do. It's just the way it is.

W/ DH's family, while we live in the same town, 2 of this brothers' families live much closer, so their kids see DH's parents more frequently than our kids do. One of his brothers & his wife & their son have dinner w/ his parents every Monday & Wednesday evening.

And many, many times if we are at DH's parents house, a various combination of other family members are also there as well.

But the kids don't care & probably prefer it when the other cousins are there - more people closer to their own ages means more fun for the kids. Your kids may be the same way!

DH & I tend to be a bit more independent of our parents. Plus, our older DD is 15, & our kids can stay home by themselves. We don't need babysitting any more. I can take our kids to their various activities w/o needing help from my dad.

But my kids know their grandparents love them. We know our parents love our kids.

Additionally, grown daughters are normally closer to their mothers than are grown sons. I think a lot of it has to do w/ how women communicate w/ one another. I just talk differently w/ my mother than DH does w/ his mother.

In life, there will be lots of things you can't change. You can only change your actions & reactions. W/ your MIL, it is what it is. It's not a toxic relationship. She's not doing anything purposefully to hurt your children.

I think maybe coming to the realization that your SIL & her kids are just part of the "package" will help your outlook. Like Pea-n-Me said, when you're there, just join in & make it an "everybody together" kinda thing instead of trying to ration your MIL's time.

If you're at dinner & your MIL is sitting w/ your SIL & her kids while you're sitting w/ your FIL, then make some memories & have a wonderful conversation w/ your FIL. Help your kids develop a good relationship w/ their grandfather. Let your DH have some quality time w/ his dad.

When you visit, bring a couple of board games or craft activities that all the cousins can do together. Bake & decorate some cookies together. Bring a new movie & some popcorn that everyone can watch together. Your children's memories don't just have to be of one-on-one time w/ their grandmother.

Also, your MIL may be at a loss at how to proceed or what kinds of things to do & just need a little direction.

Family dynamics are different for everyone. Hope this helps some!

 

[auralia]

Nothing will change and odds are they dont like you. Dh parents don't even want us to try to stay with them. We live 3000 miles away and are home 1-2 times per year. Last time I was home with the kiddos 6 weeks and they saw their other grandparents twice once for 20 minutes and once for an hour and a half. Dh called every 3-4 days to get them to invite us (DH was not there he couldn't get off work). She didn't invite is at all and then told dh she did and I refused to go.... This is the same family that flys out of the country to see their other grand children. Sends them gifts etc. My kids are just not important to her, her husband also seems to care but he dare not step on her toes.

I have finally said their loss! My parents get all of our time and my kids know who loves them and who puts up with them. I'm glad they are old enough to understand now that it isn't something they have done.

 

[Dolphindee]

We are in a somewhat similar situation. But for us it is my DFIL that plays favorites with my DSIL and her daughter (who I love dearly but needs some serious discipline....lets just say we brought DSIL and my niece to Disney with us, we had to do everything for them, and my niece repeatedly would hit her mother sometimes across the face, she was 8, and my DSIL would go and get her the very thing that niece was freaking about, then they wonder why she has serious problems at school and no friends, but I digress).

Anyway, my DFIL is always babysitting, going over there to do things and can really be rude to my boys when they see their cousin doing worse things and he doesn't do a thing. He doesn't even come over for their birthdays (he lives a mile from us and we rarely see him) but will tell us that we have to be at his house for a dinner that he is throwing for the niece.

Now, I do realize that my DFIL does some of this because first my DSIL can not do anything on her own (example, my DH had to even call the front desk to get her bags picked up and she is 4 years older than us...also, I realize the DFIL enables this). I also realize that he trusts that we make the right decisions with our boys and they are getting everything they need (my Step DMIL has even stated this to me...she is awesome), and he does not feel the same with her.

So, that may be a part of what is going on with your situation. She realizes that your DSIL has had issues in the past and keeps major tabs on her and the kids, but trusts that you guys are giving your children the best childhood. Plus the distance thing is also there. And also she needs to feel needed and you may be more independent, as we are.

Maybe you can set up some Skype time with her and the kids? I really do feel your pain, especially when your kids are involved and you can see it through their eyes.

Good luck and I hope it gets better for you!!

 

[newdisneygal]

Much thanks to all who are responding. I'm taking what I can from all those giving suggestions, and it helps to hear other people's stories.

Nothing will change and odds are they dont like you. Dh parents don't even want us to try to stay with them. We live 3000 miles away and are home 1-2 times per year. Last time I was home with the kiddos 6 weeks and they saw their other grandparents twice once for 20 minutes and once for an hour and a half. Dh called every 3-4 days to get them to invite us (DH was not there he couldn't get off work). She didn't invite is at all and then told dh she did and I refused to go.... This is the same family that flys out of the country to see their other grand children. Sends them gifts etc. My kids are just not important to her, her husband also seems to care but he dare not step on her toes.


I have finally said their loss! My parents get all of our time and my kids know who loves them and who puts up with them. I'm glad they are old enough to understand now that it isn't something they have done.

 

[Gracie09]

My inlaws see my SILs kids who live across the US from us but can't drive an hour to visit us. They come up once a year because DH refuses to have Thanksgiving at their house. When DD was born she was in the nicu and FIL literally drove past the hospital we were in and couldn't be bothered to visit. He didn't see dd until she was almost 6 months old.
They dote on SILs kids when they visit. Will drop everything to spend time with them, but can't be bothered to see my kids even though we invite them to everything.

DH has told them that once the girls realize what is going on or they stop asking to see them, that's it. He won't make them go visit. It will be inlaws loss.

 

[luvsJack]

Much thanks to all who are responding. I'm taking what I can from all those giving suggestions, and it helps to hear other people's stories.






Yes, it's possible that MIL just doesn't like the kids and I. I am fairly certain she likes DH. It's confusing though, because I know at one point she did like me, but her behavior more recently would say that she could take or leave the kids and I. I'm pretty sure FIL likes all of us, as do DSIL and the kids. My mom is pretty active in my children's lives, so we are very blessed that our children do get to have a fulfilling Grandma relationship. My mom doesn't live in the same town as us, and my siblings with children live in yet another area, but she is close to all of her grandchildren, and I don't sense any favoritism.

I wouldn't take it so personal as to say she doesn't like you or your kids. Remember some folks here do not have a good relationship with their in-laws and will project that on to others.

Your mil sees your sil's children as children who really need her for more than just the grandmother role.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

So far I've just read on this thread, but one thing was pretty interesting to me. In your OP you said that you will all go out to dinner, and your MIL will sit with SIL and her kids at one end and ignore your kids. I can definitely see where that would really get painful, she sees your SIL's kids ALL the time, and it's not a matter of wanting the cousins to be together, because she's isolating herself and the SIL's kids during this (at least that's how I read it).

I think the best advice you've gotten is don't stay in their house any more. When you visit, have your own space, and set up activities to do together. If DSIL and family come along to dinner, you could always try saying something like "Oh, Grandma, would you sit next to DD, she really wants to tell you about <insert activity that she's done that she's proud of here>, and DS wants to tell you about <another activity/stuff>." Put her in the middle of the table, and no one at the ends, so that she can converse with both sets of grandparents. If that goes well, it might be a good opening and continue, if it doesn't, then you really know that it's all on her, and she knows it, and make further adjustments in your relationship with her based on that.

I don't think you're being selfish, or even overly sensitive, it's one thing to include your other grandkids in activities, it's something else entirely to include them in all activities and ignore the out-of-towners.

 

[sunshinehighway]

So far I've just read on this thread, but one thing was pretty interesting to me. In your OP you said that you will all go out to dinner, and your MIL will sit with SIL and her kids at one end and ignore your kids. I can definitely see where that would really get painful, she sees your SIL's kids ALL the time, and it's not a matter of wanting the cousins to be together, because she's isolating herself and the SIL's kids during this (at least that's how I read it).

I think the best advice you've gotten is don't stay in their house any more. When you visit, have your own space, and set up activities to do together. If DSIL and family come along to dinner, you could always try saying something like "Oh, Grandma, would you sit next to DD, she really wants to tell you about <insert activity that she's done that she's proud of here>, and DS wants to tell you about <another activity/stuff>." Put her in the middle of the table, and no one at the ends, so that she can converse with both sets of grandparents. If that goes well, it might be a good opening and continue, if it doesn't, then you really know that it's all on her, and she knows it, and make further adjustments in your relationship with her based on that.

I don't think you're being selfish, or even overly sensitive, it's one thing to include your other grandkids in activities, it's something else entirely to include them in all activities and ignore the out-of-towners.

I read the bolded differently. If the grandmother is used to having the other kids and being basically a second mom, it probably is just where she naturally sits.
Op, try not to take it personally. It's probably more about your MIL and SIL than you. If she's stepped into the role of second mom, she probably doesn't even see how she hurting you or your children.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I read that bolded the same as ColoradoDisney....

The OP has indicated that no matter how she tries, her kids seem to be ignored, separated, etc...

The thing is, even if the grandmother is kind of in a surrogate parenting role, that does not mean that it is acceptable to ignore her other grandchildren.

From the OP's comments and descriptions, it does sound, IMHO, like there is some favoritism going on.

There has been a lot of good advice on here, as to how the OP might handle it.

Perhaps some of these comments might help.
But, I am not 100% convinced that it will change anything.
You can't change people....

OP, you have some good avenues to try here!!!
However, I would advise you to remember that one can only do so much encouraging and pushing, etc...

 

[Skywalker]

I read the above bolded part differently too - if the kids are young enough perhaps grandma always sits near them in restaurants to help out, as in help with feeding, calming squirming children, keeping them entertained. I don't think the OP has said how old the kids are? But I know my mom would always sit with me to help out when the kids were small, it was not a personal snub against anyone else at the table.

 

[Mkrop]

Much thanks to all who are responding. I'm taking what I can from all those giving suggestions, and it helps to hear other people's stories.






Yes, it's possible that MIL just doesn't like the kids and I. I am fairly certain she likes DH. It's confusing though, because I know at one point she did like me, but her behavior more recently would say that she could take or leave the kids and I. I'm pretty sure FIL likes all of us, as do DSIL and the kids. My mom is pretty active in my children's lives, so we are very blessed that our children do get to have a fulfilling Grandma relationship. My mom doesn't live in the same town as us, and my siblings with children live in yet another area, but she is close to all of her grandchildren, and I don't sense any favoritism.

You will drive yourself nuts if you try to compare the two grandmas. They are two different people, with two different personalities. My kids' grandmothers (my dad is gone so cant compare the grandpas) are as different as night and day.

 

[lauradis]

My inlaws see my SILs kids who live across the US from us but can't drive an hour to visit us. They come up once a year because DH refuses to have Thanksgiving at their house. When DD was born she was in the nicu and FIL literally drove past the hospital we were in and couldn't be bothered to visit. He didn't see dd until she was almost 6 months old.
They dote on SILs kids when they visit. Will drop everything to spend time with them, but can't be bothered to see my kids even though we invite them to everything.

DH has told them that once the girls realize what is going on or they stop asking to see them, that's it. He won't make them go visit. It will be inlaws loss.

Good for him!!! Way to man up and defend his family!!! Love it

 

[Laura66]

I'm just not ready to throw to inlaws and sil under the bus based on one side of the story. People are making a lot of assumptions (myself included) but we really have no idea and assuming that mil doesn't like op or her kids - or that she favors them - is not fair.

Maybe the sil could write a post sonething like - my mother had been helping me thru a really rough patch. My kids and I really appreciate and rely on her to help us out and she's really protective and close with my children. I can tell when my sil comes into town that she does not like me or my children. I would love to get to know her better and have the cousins enjoy each other but she's only interested in one on one time with my mil.

Just a thought.

My nephew and ex sil are really close to my inlaws. The live closer and their schedules are such that they are able to check in on them more often and take them to doctor apts., etc. My children and I know that there is just something special between them and she is has a particularly soft spot for my nephew. We know she adores and loves and is proud of my children and that she loves me - but they do have a bond that we don't have. It would never even occur to me or my children to be jealous or resentful of that. We all have that special bond with certain family or friends - that's just life.

And just because a relationship isn't what we imagine or want doesn't always mean there is a slight or hard feelings or less love.

 

[auralia]

The day I made dh take his mom off our bank account is the day she stopped liking me and that was before we had children. She had straight up hated me ever since. When our first was a baby I called her out on not seeing her when we were visiting she said you know just because you come home doesn't mean our lives revolve around you.... Um new grand baby and she isn't bothered to see her AT ALL. At the same time BlL was there with his kids and she babysat them every day so he and wife could go out drinking.... You can tell if she hates you and if she hates you (probably started after some kind of incident like I mentioned up top) odds are she will avoid your children. Mil went off on me once for stealing her son and dh asked for an apology. She said no and you can just spend your christmas with your wife's family. I still sent him there with gifts for everyone. They were not happy when he showed up..... So we have my family now and to hell with his. If they have time they call is... Which isn't very often. Once a visit at best.

 

[ronandannette]

Nothing will change and odds are they dont like you. Dh parents don't even want us to try to stay with them. We live 3000 miles away and are home 1-2 times per year. Last time I was home with the kiddos 6 weeks and they saw their other grandparents twice once for 20 minutes and once for an hour and a half. Dh called every 3-4 days to get them to invite us (DH was not there he couldn't get off work). She didn't invite is at all and then told dh she did and I refused to go.... This is the same family that flys out of the country to see their other grand children. Sends them gifts etc. My kids are just not important to her, her husband also seems to care but he dare not step on her toes.

I have finally said their loss! My parents get all of our time and my kids know who loves them and who puts up with them. I'm glad they are old enough to understand now that it isn't something they have done.

Much thanks to all who are responding. I'm taking what I can from all those giving suggestions, and it helps to hear other people's stories.






Yes, it's possible that MIL just doesn't like the kids and I. I am fairly certain she likes DH. It's confusing though, because I know at one point she did like me, but her behavior more recently would say that she could take or leave the kids and I. I'm pretty sure FIL likes all of us, as do DSIL and the kids. My mom is pretty active in my children's lives, so we are very blessed that our children do get to have a fulfilling Grandma relationship. My mom doesn't live in the same town as us, and my siblings with children live in yet another area, but she is close to all of her grandchildren, and I don't sense any favoritism.

OP, please, please forget you read the post by auralia. Taking that thought "on board" and stewing on it is bound to do nothing positive for your situation and will cause you to start interpreting every little thing through that "lens". Many things you have said here, when viewed from the outside simply describe a Grandma that is more parental with a much younger set of kids (hence the "holding them alot", taking charge of them in restaurants, etc.). Little kids, especially ones who have learned to be "in your face" for attention all the time are much different to relate to than older ones. Do you expect her to "hold" your 12 y.o.? That probably won't happen.

By your own admission, this situation is waaay more hurtful to YOU than either your DH or kids, who ostensibly this is about, but rather it seems you are reading their relationship as an offence to, and rejection of, you. You've also said your kids DO NOT complain about the interactions they have with their GParents; maybe they take value in the relationship they do have without the "baggage" you are projecting into it. If that's the case I would lean towards letting your kids spend time with them without you or your DH, to relate to each other however comes naturally to them. (You've already said the reason you don't is because it's too painful for you to watch.) As they get older, your kids may very likely remember times like that much more fondly than you might expect them to.

And honestly, I just have to say it again...you need to TALK to your IL's. If as you describe it, you once were close until this idea of rivalry between the kids started to foment, reach down into that place and let them know what you're feeling. But please try to own it for yourself; a quiet cup of tea with your ML pouring out your own hurt over this situation, in a genuine, non-accusatory way and asking for her help might go a long way towards enlightenment for all of you. If nothing else, it would at least get your DH "out of the middle" and that alone would be a good thing, right? He must experience quite a lot of stress over the fall-out from these visits.

 

[Laura66]

The day I made dh take his mom off our bank account is the day she stopped liking me and that was before we had children. She had straight up hated me ever since. When our first was a baby I called her out on not seeing her when we were visiting she said you know just because you come home doesn't mean our lives revolve around you.... Um new grand baby and she isn't bothered to see her AT ALL. At the same time BlL was there with his kids and she babysat them every day so he and wife could go out drinking.... You can tell if she hates you and if she hates you (probably started after some kind of incident like I mentioned up top) odds are she will avoid your children. Mil went off on me once for stealing her son and dh asked for an apology. She said no and you can just spend your christmas with your wife's family. I still sent him there with gifts for everyone. They were not happy when he showed up..... So we have my family now and to hell with his. If they have time they call is... Which isn't very often. Once a visit at best.

This is sad and unfortunate - but really doesn't relate to the OP's situation in any way, shape or form.
I think a lot of posters have bad relationships with their in laws (or think they do) and seeing hurts and slights that simply are not there.