How to handle Grandparents favoring one set of Grandkids over another?

[cvjw]

OP, I could have written the same post about DH's parents My kids are older now (18 and 15) and we learned years ago to just go with the flow. My boys figured out early on where they were on the grandchild totem pole, and it was just a life lesson learned early. On the flip side, they are treated like royalty from my parents, so they just learned to cherish that relationship more.

We treat DH's family with respect, but gave up long ago trying to change the inequality in the family. We have come to the conclusion that DH's parents are doing the best they can and we just deal.

It has made our lives so much easier to just accept the boundaries of that relationship and concentrate on our family. Life is too short to remain mad.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I grew up with a lot of cousins. I also happened to live next door to my grandmother so I was one of the grandkids that was very close to her.
As I got older, one set of younger cousins were very close to her. She watched the after school and basically saw them all the time. She took them all vacations (small ones not big trips),. My parents did too. My other aunt would get mad because her son (same age as my younger cousins) didn't get the same attention. She never understood that they got all that attention because they needed it. It was a case were my grandmother (and my parents to a lesser extent) were trying to fill in the holes.
If they didn't take the girls places, they wouldn't have gone anywhere or experienced things the rest of the cousins experienced.
My aunt couldn't see beyond them getting more than her son. It created some problems but really it just made her look selfish.

 

[newdisneygal]

I agree that you need to be more clear about what you would like. Your in-laws may think that of course your kids want to spend their time with their cousins. It's more fun than spending time with just the old folks!

Next time you visit, tell your in-laws that your kids want to "take them out" on an ice cream date, just the two of them. Or to lunch or a movie. Give some cash to your oldest to pay the check.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Yes, I agree, we need to be more clear and vocal about what we want. We haven't been able to do something like an ice cream outing with just the inlaws and our kids, because with DSIL and her kids there, we can't just exclude them like that ... even if we tried they would all be offended. But in the future, if we are staying at a hotel, we could call and try to set that up. I'd really like to set up activities ahead of our visits for some bonding time, and will try, however I'm pretty sure it will be met with resistance, at least on MIL's part.

The key is to talk to her about it calmly, rationally and don't be accusatory. If her everyday life involves being with the other grandkids, she probably doesn't see them being around as an issue.
If you approach it as the kids like seeing their cousins but would love more bonding time with just the grandparents, you'll get further than if you criticize your SIL and her kids for always being around.

 

[newdisneygal]

I grew up with a lot of cousins. I also happened to live next door to my grandmother so I was one of the grandkids that was very close to her.
As I got older, one set of younger cousins were very close to her. She watched the after school and basically saw them all the time. She took them all vacations (small ones not big trips),. My parents did too. My other aunt would get mad because her son (same age as my younger cousins) didn't get the same attention. She never understood that they got all that attention because they needed it. It was a case were my grandmother (and my parents to a lesser extent) were trying to fill in the holes.
If they didn't take the girls places, they wouldn't have gone anywhere or experienced things the rest of the cousins experienced.
My aunt couldn't see beyond them getting more than her son. It created some problems but really it just made her look selfish.

 

[newdisneygal]

OP, I could have written the same post about DH's parents My kids are older now (18 and 15) and we learned years ago to just go with the flow. My boys figured out early on where they were on the grandchild totem pole, and it was just a life lesson learned early. On the flip side, they are treated like royalty from my parents, so they just learned to cherish that relationship more.

We treat DH's family with respect, but gave up long ago trying to change the inequality in the family. We have come to the conclusion that DH's parents are doing the best they can and we just deal.

It has made our lives so much easier to just accept the boundaries of that relationship and concentrate on our family. Life is too short to remain mad.

 

[newdisneygal]

The key is to talk to her about it calmly, rationally and don't be accusatory. If her everyday life involves being with the other grandkids, she probably doesn't see them being around as an issue.
If you approach it as the kids like seeing their cousins but would love more bonding time with just the grandparents, you'll get further than if you criticize your SIL and her kids for always being around.

 

[newdisneygal]

Hugs to you!
Our situation is very strangely similar to yours. I don't have advice, just hugs!

Thank you! to you as well.

 

[Julylady]

I gave my thoughts earlier, but I also just had a realization. My sibs and I are the "youngest" and last grandkids of my Mom's parents. My Mom was the baby of the family as well. My Dad was the oldest boy in his family and we were middle of the pack grandkids. It was very clear that my youngest cousins, also the children of the youngest daughter, spent the most time with those grandparents and got the most attention. I wonder if this is a pattern. Are the children of youngest daughters particularly close to their Mom's parents? In general, are grandparents closer to their daughters' children than sons'?

OP, I do believe in your case that Grandma is playing a parenting role with the other grandkids. Perhaps much more so than Grandpa. I think you have some good ideas on how to approach things differently in the future. I wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt someone's feelings though. Perhaps just seeing things from another angle will allow you to make small interventions that help rather than make some drastic moves that will put you in a more difficult position.

For example.....if the cousins are able to openly come and go from the grandparents when you aren't there, you don't want to think that their grandparents are off limits when you are in town. That sends a bad message to them. Sounds like they are young and are not used to "sharing" Grandma's attention. When she tries to interact with your Grandkids, that makes them even more clingy (jealous??). They may even be doing that when she calls you which is why she puts them on the phone?

I would give her some slack. I like the idea of you or your husband doing something with the cousins so that the grandparents can spend time with your kids! Maybe a movie? Bowling? Just taking a walk?

 

[Julylady]

I just had one more idea.

Recently, one of my nieces "interviewed" my Mom. She came over to my Mom's with a list of questions and asked that they had time to sit down and talk. She said it was for a school project, but who knows. They went out to lunch, just the two of them. My Mom said all the questions were about what things were like when my Mom was a young girl. Like, "Tell me about where you got food from when you were a kid." And, "Tell me about what you during summer vacations." "What kind of car did your family have?" My Mom really seemed to enjoy the conversation.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I really hope this is not how I am coming across. Like I said in a recent post, I do not need or want for my children to have the same relationship with their grandparents as DSIL's. I just want there to be a relationship there, and the trend has been more and more distance from them as time goes along. I am not being selfish by not accepting that my children be ignored on our visits there, or wanting a very small amount of time set aside for them. I can't imagine what DSIL's children's lives would be like without their grandparents playing a major role. Never have I suggested or even thought about them changing that, and I really don't see how it even relates to what I and my kids are needing from them.

I didn't mean you are coming across as selfish. I'm sorry if came off that way. It was the way my aunt approached it that made her look selfish. I didn't want that post to be too long so I didn't elaborate more.
She'd focus on what the other kids were getting compared to her son instead of wanting her son to spend more one on one time with his grandmother.
It was like she'd keep her mouth shut and then blow up and be mad about things that seemed petty. Her looking selfish was because of how she let her feelings come out.
It sounds like you have a better approach in mind.

 

[mnrose]

Having not read all the replies, I wade in here.

My children were close to their grandmother as small kids, but now have clearly been supplanted in her affections by their (much) younger cousins. I think this is at least partly the fault of my kids, who find grandma less interesting. THEY are less inclined to want to interact with her (typical for kids once they are a bit older). Your oldest is 12, right? This is definitely an age for them to pull away more from relatives (and parents) and start to identify more with their friends.

My kids are friendly and loving with grandma, don't get me wrong, but it is very different than when they are 5, 6, 7....those ages. Now, I see my nieces and nephews have this relationship.

Anyway, just wondering whether that could be part of the dynamic. My niece and nephew think grandma hung the moon....my kids, not so much. Of course grandma is going to prefer the kids who adore her. LOL!

 

[cabanafrau]

I haven't managed to slog my way through this entirely to the end, but I think after four pages I've got the gist. What struck me the most in reading the initial post was OP's thoughts, OP's feelings, OP's expectations, OP's demands. Four pages in I still haven't seen much in the way of how the kids feel, or her DH. Not a lot of evidence they're even particularly bothered.

When he reluctantly spoke to his parents about his sister leaving the house overnight & refused to address the overarching issue I saw a husband trying to placate his wife's demands. If he was simply nervous about confrontation he would have ducked the situation entirely. I don't see a lot of evidence OP's husband agrees with her beyond too many people make sleeping arrangements uncomfortable.

 

[newdisneygal]

I haven't managed to slog my way through this entirely to the end, but I think after four pages I've got the gist. What struck me the most in reading the initial post was OP's thoughts, OP's feelings, OP's expectations, OP's demands. Four pages in I still haven't seen much in the way of how the kids feel, or her DH. Not a lot of evidence they're even particularly bothered.

When he reluctantly spoke to his parents about his sister leaving the house overnight & refused to address the overarching issue I saw a husband trying to placate his wife's demands. If he was simply nervous about confrontation he would have ducked the situation entirely. I don't see a lot of evidence OP's husband agrees with her beyond too many people make sleeping arrangements uncomfortable.

 

[Lionqueen2]

I really hope this is not how I am coming across. Like I said in a recent post, I do not need or want for my children to have the same relationship with their grandparents as DSIL's. I just want there to be a relationship there, and the trend has been more and more distance from them as time goes along. I am not being selfish by not accepting that my children be ignored on our visits there, or wanting a very small amount of time set aside for them. I can't imagine what DSIL's children's lives would be like without their grandparents playing a major role. Never have I suggested or even thought about them changing that, and I really don't see how it even relates to what I and my kids are needing from them.

You are not being selfish in any way. A connection with a grandparent is special and different than a child has with a parent. You just want that very special bond that should happen with a grandparent and a grandchild. You should be commended to care so much about that. Many other parents would just write it off.

Perhaps if FIL is more receptive, you can work on developing a stronger relationship with him by having the children connect with him more often.

You MIL does seem to have extra responsibilities for SIL's children. While that has to weigh heavily on her mind, it is no excuse for her treatment of your children. They, too, are her grandchildren and should receive her love and attention, also.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

People like to feel needed. Grandma feels needed by SIL and her kids, and that is why you are unlikely to see much change here - she's getting something out of those relationships, in a big way. Yours, not so much. (Not to sound uncaring.) It sounds like your family is more independent, and that, combined with distance, means the depth of the relationships aren't as strong as they are with them. I doubt that it means that Grandma doesn't love your kids. It just means the dynamics are different. But I do agree that it seems to bother you more than anyone. And I can understand that. I think that rather than trying to "beat them", you should "join them". By that I mean, become part of the family rather than always trying to be separate. Have some fun with everyone. Do things together. Join in. Make memories. I know you probably don't exactly enjoy being around them, but the alternative doesn't seem to be working too well, either, and time is going by. I think "joining in" is the way you can get what you want for your kids. Grandma will undoubtedly embrace it since she obviously likes seeing you all together.

 

[newdisneygal]

I just had one more idea.

Recently, one of my nieces "interviewed" my Mom. She came over to my Mom's with a list of questions and asked that they had time to sit down and talk. She said it was for a school project, but who knows. They went out to lunch, just the two of them. My Mom said all the questions were about what things were like when my Mom was a young girl. Like, "Tell me about where you got food from when you were a kid." And, "Tell me about what you during summer vacations." "What kind of car did your family have?" My Mom really seemed to enjoy the conversation.

Thank you for your thoughts, and I really like this suggestion!

 

[newdisneygal]

People like to feel needed. Grandma feels needed by SIL and her kids, and that is why you are unlikely to see much change here - she's getting something out of those relationships, in a big way. Yours, not so much. (Not to sound uncaring.) It sounds like your family is more independent, and that, combined with distance, means the depth of the relationships aren't as strong as they are with them. I doubt that it means that Grandma doesn't love your kids. It just means the dynamics are different. But I do agree that it seems to bother you more than anyone. And I can understand that. I think that rather than trying to "beat them", you should "join them". By that I mean, become part of the family rather than always trying to be separate. Have some fun with everyone. Do things together. Join in. Make memories. I know you probably don't exactly enjoy being around them, but the alternative doesn't seem to be working too well, either, and time is going by. I think "joining in" is the way you can get what you want for your kids. Grandma will undoubtedly embrace it since she obviously likes seeing you all together.

 

[Andtototoo]

I get it, OP.

My dh and I both had wonderful, close relationships with our grandparents. We hoped/expected our daughter would have the same.

Alas, not to be. My parents died young and while alive, my father had zero interest in her. With my ILs, my MIL had a codependent relationship with her daughter and highly favored her daughter's oldest child. My FIL went along with my MIL. Whenever we tried to talk to them about it, we were met with blank-faced denials. In my FIL's case, I think he was just truly oblivious. My MIL knew exactly what she was doing, but her life was all about doing what she wanted, so what she was oblivious to was the need to be nice, kind, or fair. When my MIL died, my FIL's eyes finally opened. He is now embarrassed and full of regrets; he also realizes that he was shut out of his other grandchildren's lives and there is now, basically, no relationship to cultivate any more. The other grandkids long ago hardened their hearts to the two of them and once that happens, it's nearly impossible to crack the ice.

As for my daughter's feelings? After the dynamics became clear, we took pains to avoid having her be with her grandparents and the golden grandchild in smaller social settings. So she was never truly aware that she was one of the ignored kids. When you don't see it, you can't miss it. She comments from time to time on how she wishes she had a close relationship with her grandparents like she sees that some of her friends have, but it's not from a place of hurt because we prevented her from being hurt.

I think my dh and I were more hurt because we had different expectations. Since our dd did not have that life history, she didn't have those expectations. Since after she got to about the age of 5, we did not expose her to smaller gatherings in which the favoritism would be blatant, she did not pick up on it. So she doesn't have any hurt feelings as a result. I would not change a thing about our choices.

 

[Mkrop]

As someone posted earlier, we all bring our own family dynamics when responding....so here goes.

I grew up with a large age gap in cousins, my kids dont have any cousins on one side yet and a cousin whose mother wont let us see her. So I look at how fortunate your kids are to get to spend time with cousins. My mom and my MIL would love to have all their grandkids under one roof.

My mom is closer to my boys bc she watched them while I worked and we live closer. My mom is also the GP to buy a video game system for her house, bake with them, have board games etc. My ILs not so much. They love my kids but the relationship is just different, one is distance, they are 2 hours away and one is their personalities. Last time they went to visit, now they are 17 and 12, they planned nothing except a drive around town, showed DS17 where some colleges were near them (he has no interest, and did not ask them, and poor DS12 was bored). They did not go to a movie, although DS17 suggested or even rent something. My kids were bored out of their minds, thank goodness they had games on their phones.

Now my ILs try and I dont understand it but they love my kids and that is all I can do about it.

And a long time ago we had the opposite situation, ILs see my kids a lot, the DGD was kept from them bc of my crazy SIL, crazy SIL gets hospitalized for 8 weeks. My ILs got asked to help, they jumped at the chance. I asked if they needed any help...no, ok. I invited them down to go swimming so the kids could see their cousin, they declined. I offered to have us drive up the 2 hours and suggested we could take the kids to the park or something. DS17 and my niece were very close and DS12 barely knew her. I wanted them to bond too. ILs just want her all to themselves. I understood to some extent but they also ignored my kids for 8 weeks, hardly any calls etc.

I finally called them on it. I said my kids would like to see their cousin, and DH and would like to see my niece. Well it did not happen. Crazy SIL did not care after she got better about improving the family relationship. But my FIL did apologize to me and said that everyone should have seen her and they were sorry they ignored my kids. I appreciate the apology, but if I hadnt said anything then they would never know.