How to handle Grandparents favoring one set of Grandkids over another?

[The Mystery Machine]

I've gone back and forth on whether or not I want to put my situation out there for feedback, and I thought it would probably be helpful to hear some opinions. After writing it out, the story is pretty detailed, so I decided not to post under my regular username.

My in laws show a lot of favoritism towards the other grandchildren in my DH's family. I should more say that it is DH's mom doing this, DH's father is a little more aware, and I can see that he tries when it comes to my kids. I'll try to not make the background information too long.

DH is the oldest of 3, has one younger brother one younger sister. DBIL has 2 children, DSIL has 3. We have 2, ages 8 and 12. DH is by far the most independent of his family, we live about 4 hours away from his hometown. DBIL and DSIL still live in the hometown area, they are all within 20 minutes of each other. DBIL and DSIL rely heavily on their parents for childcare. DSIL more so. DSIL does not have support from the father of her children, and has an extensive history of drug and alcohol abuse. She has her own home, but stays with the in laws from time to time.

From the time my children were born, my MIL has never really been as close to them as she was to DSIL's children. But we attributed this to us living so far away and the favoritism was not profound. As time goes on, and more grandchildren come along, the situation became bad, then worse. I feel like we keep trying to be understanding of other family members situations, because we are lucky in many ways they are not. But, in return we seem to have accepted a lesser relationship with the grandparents that has now become blatantly hurtful.

I'll give specifics of what occurs, and I'll try to be open to the possibility that I'm being overly sensitive, but I really do not believe I am. When we visit the inlaws, we usually stay one night because of the distance. Without a doubt, DSIL and her children will be there the majority of the time. She will go to her house to sleep for the night, but this will usually be after DH makes a stink about her going. IL's house is very small, and there's really not even enough room for just us. (I'll add here that the IL's want us to stay there). DSIL and children will be back out in the morning. MIL spends our entire visit interacting with DSIL's children (2 are younger than ours). MIL barely talks with my kids. She will have plenty to tell us about DSIL's kids, but rarely asks about my children's lives and activities. FIL does and I can tell that they perk up when he gives them attention. If we go out to dinner, MIL will sit with DSIL and her kids at one end of the table, our family and FIL at the other. This is every time, and DSIL comes with us every time. Over a year ago, we invited specifically just MIL and FIL out to dinner, and while I'm glad we tried, MIL was on the phone with DSIL the entire time, and we could tell everyone was offended with the invite.

Likewise, when they come to visit at our house, DSIL and kids come along. DH once stipulated we would like no DSIL, and they didn't bring her, but no one was happy about it. We have asked IL's three times to babysit our children since they've been born. The last time we asked at least two months in advance, and when the day came, they also babysat every other grandchild, and did not tell us this was the plan ahead of time. By the time we found out, it was just an hour or two before DH and I had to leave for our activity, so we just vented to ourselves and went along with it. We had been under the impression it was going to be some quality time with just our two. Because there are so many younger ones, mine got very little attention and were not cared for in the manner that I like them to be.

Our last visit with them ended with them making sure all of the younger grandkids got a hug from DH and I, all while forgetting to give my two a hug good bye themselves. I have time and time again talked with DH about the situation, I have vented a lot and complained, and he does the same and agrees. I have asked him to talk with his parents / MIL, and he says that he has and that it doesn't make a difference. I think he has only talked with her about DSIL not staying the night at their house while we are there. He hasn't really addressed the favoritism, lack of attention to our kids and the hurt feelings it is causing. He mostly agrees with me about the situation, but will sometimes defend his mom saying that she sees it as the cousins spending time together.

I feel very frustrated with the entire thing, because I'm not willing to keep putting my kids into a situation where they are being left out. They have not said anything about it yet, but they are very smart kids and can see what's happening. My IL's are nice people and have a lot to offer my kids, and my children love their grandparents very much. I feel like my DH has to have a very frank discussion with his mom about the favoritism, but I know even if he did, it would be because I pushed him to do it, and he would probably greatly water down the situation to her. I don't want to force him to do it. Right now, I'm so frustrated about it, I don't even want to go visit anymore until this is resolved.

I would greatly appreciate any feedback on what to do. Any one have similar experiences?

I'd like to add that it probably sounds like I don't like my in laws, but I actually like them very much. Before all of the grandkids, we would do a lot together, and they were very good company. I know that my children are really missing out. I also love my DSIL and her kids, and this whole thing puts a huge strain on trying to have a relationship with her and our nephews and nieces. Thank you for reading.

Plenty of experiences with life, sib stuff, and favoritism.

If you go visit, expect that SIL is going to be there. Sucks for you but that is the deal. If you need to stay in a hotel to get a break then do so. Change it up.

Now as far as them some visiting you, it is OK to set boundaries and tell MIL that you are inviting them only and not SIL and company. If she gets pissy, so what. If she is on the phone with SIL all the time, nothing you can do there. That is horsepucky to have the crew come with your IL's and I would put an end to that nonsense.

As far as the "babysitting thing", you need to expect that the "gang" is going to be there. You have to let that one go.

 

[worm761]

Plenty of experiences with life, sib stuff, and favoritism.

If you go visit, expect that SIL is going to be there. Sucks for you but that is the deal. If you need to stay in a hotel to get a break then do so. Change it up.

Now as far as them some visiting you, it is OK to set boundaries and tell MIL that you are inviting them only and not SIL and company. If she gets pissy, so what. If she is on the phone with SIL all the time, nothing you can do there. That is horsepucky to have the crew come with your IL's and I would put an end to that nonsense.

As far as the "babysitting thing", you need to expect that the "gang" is going to be there. You have to let that one go.

This. It is what it is. You can't change it but you can change your expectations. Accepting it for what it is will help your children too. By being irritated about it, you are setting off vibes. And your kids will pick up on them. Let it go and accept the relationship that is there before you ruin any chance at one.

And I get it. I really do. I have MIL issues (sort of, I just don't deal with her unless I have to and as far as I can tell she doesn't play favorites but I live 1200 miles away) and she is getting better. I will give her that. But she cannot stand that my DD has a closer relationship with my father than with her. But my dad lives with me. She sees him almost every single day of her life (he vacations separately from us). So it is what it is. MIL has come to realize that she has to accept the relationship she has with DD. It will never be what she has with the Grands that live near her. But since she has been coming around and being nicer overall, we have made more of an effort too.

 

[lillygator]

Stop visiting. Don't allow toxic grandparents into your lives if you have the choice. It's better for them to have no grandparents than to have toxic ones. Trust me, they will notice they are the black sheep children of the family and it WILL affect their self esteem later on. It will, I guarantee you. It would be healthier for them to have little to no contact at all.

I agree....

 

[newdisneygal]

These are your kids, if you feel what your MIL is doing negatively effects them, then don't make your dh talk to her about, you do it, especially if you think he isn't going to get across what you want him too. They may be his parents, but they are also your family. Talk to her and tell her how you feel.

After reading your post I guess I don't find it favortism going on, to me its more about how close your MIL is with her other grandkids than she is with your's. There really isn't much you can do about that when you are 4 hours away. Do your kids email, text or skype them to keep them updated, or do you just do the obligatory phone call to let them know how the kids are. Maybe if you got the kids involved, the IL's would get to know them better.

It sounds like your SIL relies on your MIL, which would explain the extreme closeness they have. Your MIL probably feels obligated to help her more, include her and her kids all the time because she feels sorry for them. You can't change that, and you shouldn't take it as a personal dig to your kids, its just the relationship your MIL has with her dd.

 

[worm761]

It isn't her being close to her daughter or her other grandkids that bothers me. I completely expect that, as she is helping to raise these children. My issue is that DSIL is there, literally our entire visit, aside from sleeping time. And MIL is therefore caring for DSIL's children the entire time. My kids are excited to be at their grandparents, have sat in the car a long time, and in return they get to watch her be a grandma to their cousins the entire time. They are ignored for the most part. I do not make it an issue to them, but I can see it plain as day, and I'm sure they do too. It really hurts to sit through a visit and watch it happening.

To the posters that suggested I talk to the in laws, I have thought about things I would like to say many times. Perhaps I will someday but I am an extreme introvert, and I would likely wish I hadn't said anything. That is why I'd like DH to talk to them, maybe MIL is just not seeing what is going on. They are his parents. When I have something going on with my mom, I'm the one to talk to her about it, not him. I don't want them to "ban" SIL from the house during the visit, I just want them to carve out a portion of time for our kids. I don't feel like the in laws are unreasonable people, and maybe if they heard how it's affecting us, they would be more aware during the visits.

Looking back, we have always accepted less than DBIL and DSIL, because our situation is better and we have felt bad for them. But it now seems like we have said it's ok to ignore us, everyone else needs you more. I'd like to give them a chance to change what's happening before just cutting our visits.

I'll add that I would not consider MIL and DSIL "close" as in a good relationship. There is lots of arguing during our visits and it's just not enjoyable.

I think you are wrong about that. They are getting see their grandma be a parent to their cousins. You can request one on one time but don't be shocked when it doesn't happen. The reality is that SIL is most likely there every single day. This is their life. And you are trying to interrupt your IL's life/daily routine with what you think should be happening. Is it fair? No. But I regularly tell my 5 year old that life isn't fair and sometimes you just have to suck it up. You don't have to like it.

Maybe focus more on the kids relationship with FIL instead. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing.


*disclaimer: MY mother raised my niece and nephew until she passed away. So I have seen it from both sides.

 

[mjkacmom]

It isn't her being close to her daughter or her other grandkids that bothers me. I completely expect that, as she is helping to raise these children. My issue is that DSIL is there, literally our entire visit, aside from sleeping time. And MIL is therefore caring for DSIL's children the entire time.

It sounds like she is helping raise her grand kids, and she is just going about her daily life when you visit, as she would if those grand kids were her own kids. Do you want SIL and the grand kids to stay home when you are visiting, even if they usually spend their time with your IL's?

I know that when my sister and her family come to town, I am obligated to be at my parents almost all of the time, with my kids, so the cousins can see each other. The kids love it, of course. Me, it can be a little disrupting to my usual schedule, but it's just once a year.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

My kids are excited to be at their grandparents, have sat in the car a long time, and in return they get to watch her be a grandma to their cousins the entire time. They are ignored for the most part.

I would stop visiting. If they are ignoring your children, why even waste the gas driving there?


Tell them they are welcome at your home anytime. If they don't come to visit their grandkids, then they just don't really care to see them. It actually sounds that way already. Sad, but true.

 

[maleficent32]

It isn't her being close to her daughter or her other grandkids that bothers me. I completely expect that, as she is helping to raise these children. My issue is that DSIL is there, literally our entire visit, aside from sleeping time. And MIL is therefore caring for DSIL's children the entire time. My kids are excited to be at their grandparents, have sat in the car a long time, and in return they get to watch her be a grandma to their cousins the entire time. They are ignored for the most part. I do not make it an issue to them, but I can see it plain as day, and I'm sure they do too. It really hurts to sit through a visit and watch it happening.

To the posters that suggested I talk to the in laws, I have thought about things I would like to say many times. Perhaps I will someday but I am an extreme introvert, and I would likely wish I hadn't said anything. That is why I'd like DH to talk to them, maybe MIL is just not seeing what is going on. They are his parents. When I have something going on with my mom, I'm the one to talk to her about it, not him. I don't want them to "ban" SIL from the house during the visit, I just want them to carve out a portion of time for our kids. I don't feel like the in laws are unreasonable people, and maybe if they heard how it's affecting us, they would be more aware during the visits.

Looking back, we have always accepted less than DBIL and DSIL, because our situation is better and we have felt bad for them. But it now seems like we have said it's ok to ignore us, everyone else needs you more. I'd like to give them a chance to change what's happening before just cutting our visits.

I'll add that I would not consider MIL and DSIL "close" as in a good relationship. There is lots of arguing during our visits and it's just not enjoyable.

How old are SIL's kids, are they alot younger than yours?
You never answered the question about your kids contacting their grandparents, do they make an effort to call, text or skype them? If your MIL's develops a closer relationship with them by having regular contact with them daily or once a week etc, maybe you will see a difference on those visits.

You say that you want to give them a chance to change things, but I don't think that is possible unless you guys change things as well. You can't expect them to not invite others to their home just because you are there. I think its pretty normal in most families to all get together. I can't think of a single time where we went to visit family (we are the out of town ones) and it was just us, or expected to be just us. In fact its the opposite, I would think there was something wrong if my SIL didn't pop in to say hello and visit with us.

And the biggest of all is that you need to speak up, they may have no idea that you are feeling that your kids are ignored. And yes they are his parents, so what, its YOUR kids that are being effected, and since you seem to have a big issue with it there is nothing wrong with you going to them. They are your family too. I've never understood the "its his parents/family, he should deal with it" attitude, especially when it has to do with your kids. No, its your family, when you married him you became part of that family so its not just his issue to deal with it, its your's too.

 

[newdisneygal]

It sounds like she is helping raise her grand kids, and she is just going about her daily life when you visit, as she would if those grand kids were her own kids. Do you want SIL and the grand kids to stay home when you are visiting, even if they usually spend their time with your IL's?

I know that when my sister and her family come to town, I am obligated to be at my parents almost all of the time, with my kids, so the cousins can see each other. The kids love it, of course. Me, it can be a little disrupting to my usual schedule, but it's just once a year.

 

[newdisneygal]

I would stop visiting. If they are ignoring your children, why even waste the gas driving there?


Tell them they are welcome at your home anytime. If they don't come to visit their grandkids, then they just don't really care to see them. It actually sounds that way already. Sad, but true.

 

[okeydokey]

Are your SIL's kids younger than yours? Do they need more care? It's hard to tell from your posts.

Maybe when you visit you can do something with your niece and nephew, play a game or cards, read a book etc thereby giving your MIL some time that she can devote to your kids instead of having to care for the niece and nephew.

It sounds like your MIL takes care of the niece and nephew regularly, so that is her natural default. She may not see it as ignoring yours or favoring the others. If you feel comfortable you should mention it.

 

[newdisneygal]

How old are SIL's kids, are they alot younger than yours?
You never answered the question about your kids contacting their grandparents, do they make an effort to call, text or skype them? If your MIL's develops a closer relationship with them by having regular contact with them daily or once a week etc, maybe you will see a difference on those visits.

You say that you want to give them a chance to change things, but I don't think that is possible unless you guys change things as well. You can't expect them to not invite others to their home just because you are there. I think its pretty normal in most families to all get together. I can't think of a single time where we went to visit family (we are the out of town ones) and it was just us, or expected to be just us. In fact its the opposite, I would think there was something wrong if my SIL didn't pop in to say hello and visit with us.

And the biggest of all is that you need to speak up, they may have no idea that you are feeling that your kids are ignored. And yes they are his parents, so what, its YOUR kids that are being effected, and since you seem to have a big issue with it there is nothing wrong with you going to them. They are your family too. I've never understood the "its his parents/family, he should deal with it" attitude, especially when it has to do with your kids. No, its your family, when you married him you became part of that family so its not just his issue to deal with it, its your's too.

 

[lillygator]

OP I can see how that would be very frustrating.

I do have one comment you may not like though. When DD8 was younger we lived near my ex in laws. She was the only grandchild who lived near the grandparents. All the others lived several hours away. The grandparents held similar views as you do about visits. When the other grandkids were in town my DD was essentially banned from the house. In fact, they didn't even let me know the other granddaughters were in town until the evening before they left when I would invariably get a phone call saying their daughter or son was in town with the grandkids and they wanted to pick up DD in the morning so she could see her cousins and by the way, will you put her in this particular outfit.

That was incredibly annoying to me. They made the argument that they got one on one time with DD on a regular basis and it wouldn't be fair to their other grandkids to have DD there when they were visiting since they see them so infrequently. While I can see their point it always chapped my butt that DD was banned from their house but I was expected to hop to and change any plans I had the night before so they could pick her up on their schedule so she could spend time with her cousins before they left town.

ETA: No matter how many times I asked them to give me a heads up when DD's cousins were in town so I could plan for it they would never call before the night before and leave me scrambling to change plans and make sure that particular outfit they wanted was clean.

Alternatively, my own grandmother played blatant favorites with her grandkids who all lived locally. My brother and I were never the favorites. It hurt some when I was a child but as adults I don't think it negatively affected any of us.

why did she have to wear a particular outfit?

 

[newdisneygal]

Are your SIL's kids younger than yours? Do they need more care? It's hard to tell from your posts.

Maybe when you visit you can do something with your niece and nephew, play a game or cards, read a book etc thereby giving your MIL some time that she can devote to your kids instead of having to care for the niece and nephew.

It sounds like your MIL takes care of the niece and nephew regularly, so that is her natural default. She may not see it as ignoring yours or favoring the others. If you feel comfortable you should mention it.

 

[Turn the Page]

why did she have to wear a particular outfit?

Because the in laws wanted to see her in whatever horrid outfit they bought for her.

They would specify not just "something we bought her" but I mean a particular outfit.

It was aggravating.

 

[mjkacmom]

No, I don't want them to stay home the entire time, I enjoy seeing my nieces and nephews. I would like a portion of time reserved to spend some time with my kids, that is the entire reason we are making the long drive, so my kids can build a relationship with their grandparents. Like I said, DSIL is at in laws house a lot when we are not in for a visit, but not all the time. They don't live there. For some reason when we are visiting DSIL is there with the kids the whole time.

You should tell them that. It's the opposite here - my kids put their lives on hold when my sister's family comes to visit for two weeks. The younger ones are expected to be at grandmas from breakfast to bed, and I drag down the older teens when I can (cousins are closer in age to my younger kids). Maybe they all think they're all expected to be there? You are thinking of these visits as a way for your kids to bond with their grandparents, but everyone else might view it as a family visit, with lots of together time with everyone.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think the OP said that she feels that her children are basically ignored, in favor of the other kids.

I think that maybe she is seeing the possibility of some amount of time with the grandparents, without the other kids there, as a way to work around the favoritism. (not because she has anything against extended family visits)

That could be the issue.

Perhaps there is favoritism. (it sounds like this to me)
But, the thing that the OP is starting to find out is that even on the very rare times that her family are visiting with the grandparents, them alone, it still seems to be all about the other grandkids. Even if it is by constant phone calls.

OP, if the favoritism is there, it will not necessarily disappear or take a vacation just because the other grandchildren are not there.

 

[Andipandi]

I completely understand your situation. I am the oldest child in my family and have two DS's. My youngest sister has three kids from two different husbands. Her life is constant chaos in my opinion. One bad decision after another. My parents have done way more for her kids and for my sister. Babysitting her kids to the point of them actually living with my parents. When I would ask for help with my boys for an hour here or there it was always a problem. I stopped asking. I had to explain to my children why they didn't see their grandparents that often. I did it in a delicate way and made sure to let my sons know that their grandparents loved them but they probably wouldn't have a close relationship with them. My boys could see for themselves that the others were treated differently. Thankfully my MIL is great and when my DH and I want a night out or even go away for a vacation without the boys she will watch them. They love going to her house and being with her.

I had to finally realize that my sister needed more help from my parents than I did. I also didn't want to expose my kids to the drama and chaos that always seems to follow my sister and that would be at my parents house. It is sad that my DS's will not have a relationship with their grandparents that they should but it is for their best interests in the long run.

 

[powellrj]

My cousins lived with my grandparents when I was growing up, so we never spent any one on one time with them. We still had a relationship with them, it just wasn't the same one my cousins had.

Just accept that it will always be like this and carve out your own relationship. The kind of relationship you want isn't the kind they want or can give so have the kind they can. Use skype or FaceTime weekly so they can keep up with each other.

 

[Ceila]

It sounds like one of your goals is for your kids to have their grandparents to themselves for a little while, which I think is understandable.

So, the next time you're there and your SIL's kids are there, you and your DH could offer to take your nieces and nephews out for special time with you two, their aunt and uncle, thus leaving your kids to enjoy time with their grandparents.