How Should Small Dudes Respond to Bullies?

[luvsJack]

That's decent advice. I think he mentioned it because other adults warned us about the athletic division. I've seen linemen, up close, but most of these kids will not even play in college. It's not healthy for them to be that ummm padded.

You have no way of knowing if they are healthy or not and you have no way of knowing if they will play in college.

Football players walk on college teams all the time, you don't have to received a scholarship to be able to play in college. And not every player on a college team comes from a high school with a winning record and not every player was the best on their high school team.

You are making too many judgements against these kids that you know nothing about.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Somehow this is beginning to remind me of the 'Sport Parents' threads!

 

[Magpie]

I still can't believe that people are all worked up over this... first, we have this 3rd hand, we don't know the tone of voice that was used, the OP's kid is new to the school, doesn't even know the kids, doesn't know if there is a history between these kids or if they are best friends that just call each other stupid names as the pass in the halls. Hasn't ANYONE spent time with teenage boys (away from their parents) and know that they do stuff like this ALL the time??

I'm not quite sure I can imagine any scenario in which "rhymes with hag" is a friendly thing to call someone. And I'm pretty sure the OPs son could tell from the other kid's reaction (or lack thereof) that they're not best friends.

And, as far as not talking to our kids. I think most of us said we talk to our kids. Just, most of the kids wouldn't think to mention one kid calling another kid a name as it's just not really worth mentioning. And that name you referenced is used quite a bit.

It isn't used quite a bit everywhere... and there have been other ugly names in the past that have gone out of fashion as people began to fight back against them. In a previous decade the big kid might have called the smaller one the "n-word". He won't do that now. Instead he's now picked a more "acceptable" slur.

One slur that does get used a lot in our schools is "gay". My son was really upset about that back in Grade 5, and tried his hardest to make the other kids stop. He wrote letters to everyone in authority, one of which the teacher even read to the class. He tried to air an educational YouTube video, but the teacher said he couldn't because it was critical of Christianity's views on homosexuality. Eventually he gave up and got very cynical about the lack of authority and control demonstrated by teachers.

But he still won't tolerate gay slurs among his closest friends, and he's continued to fight in different ways. He got very involved in one situation that consisted of a "game" of pursuing a fat kid around a playground slapping at his belly, shouting, "Fatty chaser! Fatty chaser!"

My daughter, for her part, once started her own protest in Grade 8 over a "pro or anti gay marriage" formal debate. It had degenerated from an actual debate into one team just dredging up every foul and ugly thing they could think of to say about gay people and the other team standing there gobsmacked. The teacher actually ended up having to apologize to my daughter and her fellow protestors, and address the class on the subject.

The high school my children currently attend has a Gay/Straight Alliance, and the kids are very opinionated on the subject of bullying. My daughter's best friend moved from another province, from a school where she was once knocked down and had "the boot put in". Her comment is, "I still can't believe there's no bullying here! But there really isn't!" It's a good school, and the credit largely has to go to the students.

Casual gay slurs in the hallways don't have to be tolerated. A school environment can be supportive and safe, even in high school. And it starts with kids who refuse to ignore ugliness and bigotry. That's why I want my kids to remark on it when they see it. I don't want them to ever get to the point where they consider it a normal part of their day.

 

[mhsjax]

If they are part of the new up in coming 9th graders, think of this as a mild hazing. It happens. I remember when i was in HS, luckily for me, I am a girl. We were looked upon as fresh meant for the football team, but hey they were good looking and we didn't care. The boys, I do feel for.

 

[golfgal]

I'm not quite sure I can imagine any scenario in which "rhymes with hag" is a friendly thing to call someone. And I'm pretty sure the OPs son could tell from the other kid's reaction (or lack thereof) that they're not best friends.



.

Again, go spend some time with high school boys listening from afar, say watch them interact before or after a sports practice or something--you will hear a LOT worse than that...even between good friends. Watch them just walk by each other-they can't pass a friend or sibling without slugging them or something either.

 

[Magpie]

Again, go spend some time with high school boys listening from afar, say watch them interact before or after a sports practice or something--you will hear a LOT worse than that...even between good friends. Watch them just walk by each other-they can't pass a friend or sibling without slugging them or something either.

Slugging, yes. And it's greeted with a smile and a return slug. And even if you live somewhere where "rhymes with hag" is used like a slug, the OPs son can still probably tell the difference between a kid getting slugged in a friendly way and a kid getting shoved aggressively into a locker with a sneer.

FWIW, I've spent LOTS of time with high school boys. I've been a fly on the wall when they're talking about how they'd like to "do" that girl because she's so "doable". (But not in her hearing, because they're smart enough to realize the snowball's chance in hell they've got of ever "doing her" would vanish in an instant!) I've heard them swear a blue streak. But our boys don't call each other "rhymes with hag". They'll say, "You're such a dope. You're such an idiot." They cackle like hyenas. But they rarely use gay slurs, and on the rare occasions they do it's "That's so gay," which inevitably results in a hilarious argument over how you can possibly know the sexual orientation of an inanimate object.

 

[golfgal]

Slugging, yes. And it's greeted with a smile and a return slug. And even if you live somewhere where "rhymes with hag" is used like a slug, the OPs son can still probably tell the difference between a kid getting slugged in a friendly way and a kid getting shoved aggressively into a locker with a sneer.

FWIW, I've spent LOTS of time with high school boys. I've been a fly on the wall when they're talking about how they'd like to "do" that girl because she's so "doable". (But not in her hearing, because they're smart enough to realize the snowball's chance in hell they've got of ever "doing her" would vanish in an instant!) I've heard them swear a blue streak. But our boys don't call each other "rhymes with hag". They'll say, "You're such a dope. You're such an idiot." They cackle like hyenas. But they rarely use gay slurs, and on the rare occasions they do it's "That's so gay," which inevitably results in a hilarious argument over how you can possibly know the sexual orientation of an inanimate object.

Again, we are hearing this 3rd hand, we don't know exactly how this transpired at all and to go flying off the handle automatically assuming that this is a case of bullying is just the DIS way. Until we hear all sides of the story, we don't know what is really happening. The OP said that in a passing conversation with her son that he heard one kid call another kid a "hag". That is all we know. Again, how do you know these two aren't best friends? The point is, we don't and all the 'CALL THE SCHOOL BOARD NOW" people just blow my mind that they can't sit back and realize that just because the OP thinks this is bullying, we don't know the whole story. It's just like all the "I'M LIVID" with my kids teacher threads that will be popping up soon, they take EVERYTHING their child says at face value and never seem to realize that there are two sides, or more, to the story.

 

[Magpie]

Again, we are hearing this 3rd hand, we don't know exactly how this transpired at all and to go flying off the handle automatically assuming that this is a case of bullying is just the DIS way. Until we hear all sides of the story, we don't know what is really happening.

True. I was addressing the larger issue. And the idea that gay slurs are common-place and nothing to remark on or care about.

The OP said that in a passing conversation with her son that he heard one kid call another kid a "hag". That is all we know. Again, how do you know these two aren't best friends?

Common sense? Actually, you're right - I don't know. Heck, maybe the big kid was kindly offering the smaller kid a smoke. Or maybe it was a statement of fact and the bigger kid is hoping for a date to the prom. But I'd be willing to put money down that what the OP's som witnessed wasn't friendly.

Perhaps the OP could ask her son to clarify?

The point is, we don't and all the 'CALL THE SCHOOL BOARD NOW" people just blow my mind that they can't sit back and realize that just because the OP thinks this is bullying, we don't know the whole story.

I must have missed something... Who suggested calling the school board? Where are all these people?

What I saw was a whole lot of people saying it wasn't bullying, which I happen to agree it wasn't. It was (almost certainly) an aggressive, threatening kind of act, but in order for something to be "bullying" it has to involve a pattern of behaviour over time.

Me, I read it as, "How should my son respond IF he get bullied?" and I tried to answer the OP as well as I could.

It's just like all the "I'M LIVID" with my kids teacher threads that will be popping up soon, they take EVERYTHING their child says at face value and never seem to realize that there are two sides, or more, to the story.

Um... okay.

 

[luvsJack]

I haven't noticed anyone getting all up in arms over this, well except maybe the OP; but, otoh, I agree that this may not have even been something that should be considered agressive.

We don't know the relationship between the two boys in question. The next time the OP's son encounters these two it could be the smaller boy calling the bigger boy a name. It happens. Why? I have no idea, because teen age boys are very strange creatures, I guess . But, it does happen.

I have raised two of these alien beings and it happens.

 

[ols386]

I don't think anyone was saying its "strange" to talk to your child at all. I have always talked to my kids every day. And they have always talked to me about everything. But, this wouldn't have been something they would have brought up because it wouldn't have been noteworthy.

May not be noteworthy to some kids, but to others it might me.

What bothers some people, doesn't bother everyone.

If it bothered my kid in some way, I'd like them to talk to me about it.

 

[luvsJack]

May not be noteworthy to some kids, but to others it might me.

What bothers some people, doesn't bother everyone.

If it bothered my kid in some way, I'd like them to talk to me about it.

But, why let an interaction between two OTHER people bother you? Especially if you don't know what the interaction even really means?

If the boy had called the OP's son this name, I could understand his mentioning it to his mom; not it being said to someone else in passing in the hallway.

 

[Magpie]

But, why let an interaction between two OTHER people bother you? Especially if you don't know what the interaction even really means?

If the boy had called the OP's son this name, I could understand his mentioning it to his mom; not it being said to someone else in passing in the hallway.

The OP's son might be worried he'll be next.

FWIW, neither of my kids would have intervened in this particular case. My daughter says she's heard the hard way that the victim never, ever wants you to point out that they've just been victimized. (She used to try to help people.)

However, if it's any use to the OP, my kids were willing to share their response to being on the receiving end of this kind of situation.

My 15yo daughter would raise an eyebrow (something she does VERY well ), and say, "EXCUSE me? WHAT did you just say to me? You're such a jerk!" It's a very "girl" reaction.

And my 13yo son says his reaction would be simply an emotionless, "*****." (Rhymes with "witch".) Which is kind of surreal, but actually very much in character for him. Mind you, my son's six feet tall and not easily intimidated. By anyone.

 

[ols386]

But, why let an interaction between two OTHER people bother you? Especially if you don't know what the interaction even really means?

If the boy had called the OP's son this name, I could understand his mentioning it to his mom; not it being said to someone else in passing in the hallway.

For whatever reason it bothered the kid. What's the harm in the kid bringing it up with the mom? As said earlier, if something bothers my kid, no matter how minute it may seem to me, I'd rather they bring it up.

We are all different. Who knows why something might bother you, and it doesn't bother me, or vise-versa.

 

[luvsJack]

For whatever reason it bothered the kid. What's the harm in the kid bringing it up with the mom? As said earlier, if something bothers my kid, no matter how minute it may seem to me, I'd rather they bring it up.

We are all different. Who knows why something might bother you, and it doesn't bother me, or vise-versa.

There is no harm in bringing it up to his mom. But if the op's son is that worried over something he saw going on with other people, then what needs to be addressed is why he is so afraid, not how to handle it.

Besides, like has been said, this kind of stuff goes on contantly in high school hallways. Sometimes learning to toughen up a little is the best way to handle something.

 

[ols386]

There is no harm in bringing it up to his mom. But if the op's son is that worried over something he saw going on with other people, then what needs to be addressed is why he is so afraid, not how to handle it.

Besides, like has been said, this kind of stuff goes on contantly in high school hallways. Sometimes learning to toughen up a little is the best way to handle something.

The parent can't address it with the kid, if they are not aware of it, and by the kid bringing it up, then the parent may very well address that.

And talking to a parent about it, and the parent giving the kid their perspective about it, may help the kid in dealing with a future situation in a constructive manner.

 

[luvsJack]

The OP's son might be worried he'll be next.

FWIW, neither of my kids would have intervened in this particular case. My daughter says she's heard the hard way that the victim never, ever wants you to point out that they've just been victimized. (She used to try to help people.)

However, if it's any use to the OP, my kids were willing to share their response to being on the receiving end of this kind of situation.

My 15yo daughter would raise an eyebrow (something she does VERY well ), and say, "EXCUSE me? WHAT did you just say to me? You're such a jerk!" It's a very "girl" reaction.

And my 13yo son says his reaction would be simply an emotionless, "*****." (Rhymes with "witch".) Which is kind of surreal, but actually very much in character for him. Mind you, my son's six feet tall and not easily intimidated. By anyone.

Then the OP needs to address WHY her son is so worried.

If hearing one kid call another kid a name has him that concerned, then something more is going on than that one interaction.

After raising two sons and now in the process with one daughter--this kind of stuff goes on ALL the time. Some things you react to, something aren't worth the trouble. She reacted to the paper in the other boy's hair because it got on her nerves and she felt like they were humilating the boy; but like she says herself, she doesn't react to every little insult that is exchanged around school. When my sons were jr high/high school age, they were the same way. They would defend someone who needed defending and ignore what needing ignoring. If it was directed at them, sometimes the correct response was a sideways grin, a laugh/grunt and a "yeah, you wish" or some other equally stupid remark.

 

[Magpie]

There is no harm in bringing it up to his mom. But if the op's son is that worried over something he saw going on with other people, then what needs to be addressed is why he is so afraid, not how to handle it.

Besides, like has been said, this kind of stuff goes on contantly in high school hallways. Sometimes learning to toughen up a little is the best way to handle something.

So if I understand this right, the response to, "Mom, I saw this guy call this other guy a (rhymes with hag) in the hall today, what should I do if someone calls me a name like that?" should be, "Son, you've got a problem! Let's investigate the root of your fear."?

Okay. Actually, that was often MY mom's response. Believe me, I would have been far more grateful for a couple snappy responses and a "keep your head up and don't let it get to you", than another indepth plumbing of my psyche.

I did learn to stop asking her for advice, eventually.

 

[Magpie]

Then the OP needs to address WHY her son is so worried.

If hearing one kid call another kid a name has him that concerned, then something more is going on than that one interaction.

After raising two sons and now in the process with one daughter--this kind of stuff goes on ALL the time. Some things you react to, something aren't worth the trouble. She reacted to the paper in the other boy's hair because it got on her nerves and she felt like they were humilating the boy; but like she says herself, she doesn't react to every little insult that is exchanged around school. When my sons were jr high/high school age, they were the same way. They would defend someone who needed defending and ignore what needing ignoring. If it was directed at them, sometimes the correct response was a sideways grin, a laugh/grunt and a "yeah, you wish" or some other equally stupid remark.

So... why can't the OP just tell her son THAT? Why should she have to assume there's something wrong with her son that needs to be investigated and addressed?

I would have seen this as a opportunity for a general conversation about dealing with bullying and developing good social skills.

 

[luvsJack]

The parent can't address it with the kid, if they are not aware of it, and by the kid bringing it up, then the parent may very well address that.

And talking to a parent about it, and the parent giving the kid their perspective about it, may help the kid in dealing with a future situation in a constructive manner.

Like I said, there is no harm in bringing it up to mom. But again, what needs to be addressed is why the kid is afraid. That in of itself will deal with 'how to handle it" because in all reality, from what the OP described there is nothing to handle.

 

[Tinkermommy]

So... why can't the OP just tell her son THAT? Why should she have to assume there's something wrong with her son that needs to be investigated and addressed?

I would have seen this as a opportunity for a general conversation about dealing with bullying and developing good social skills.

This incident the OP described is NOT BULLYING. I don't know from what the OP wrote if her son said it was or she interpreted it that way, but it doesn't even come close to bullying.

These are teenage boys. They act in strange ways (hitting, name calling, etc). Most are not going to sit around and discuss their feelings.

Sounds like the OP's son was in a school where this was not the norm. But this is typical public HS stuff.

If my son brought it up, I would mostly likely say, "Yes, boys sometime say crude and offensive words to each other. You don't have to participate but you also are not going to change their behavior either." Then I would discuss what really bullying is and what to do if he sees or experiences that.