How much to give for a wedding gift for family of 5 attending

[Liberty Belle]

I'm from NY also and we also always cover our plate~ $100 per adult is right.

If someone had come to my wedding and tried to leave a "shower"gift ~ as in ie toaster I would have been peeved

We spent almost 28,000 on our reception 11 years ago; and we recouped all of it

And we had a top shelf open bar~ I HATE cash bars; have a smaller wedding if you can't afford to give your guests free booze.

Peeved? Really? So you'd rather they didn't attend if they couldn't afford to give money?

I just don't get this.

 

[dumboiu]

If someone had come to my wedding and tried to leave a "shower"gift ~ as in ie toaster I would have been peeved

We spent almost 28,000 on our reception 11 years ago; and we recouped all of it

What an odd way of looking at things! I would think you invite guests to join you in your special day rather than to merely recoup what YOU chose to spend for your wedding. Perhaps I am misinterpreting your intentions, but what you wrote about being *peeved* if you got a *shower gift* for your wedding screams entitlement to me. What happened to taking responsibility for paying for the wedding YOU want to have? Isn't it also important to share your wedding day with special people in your life, regardless of how much they choose to give? Lots of events these days seem to be more about the gifts and less about having the special people in your life attending. We really are such a materialistic society.

 

[postage stamp]

When we got married 6 years ago we paid $5000 for our wedding. We got about $2000 in cash and just about everything on our registry. And you know what? I KNOW I have written down somewhere who gave us what, but off the top of my head I can't remember. Because I'm not going to take time out of my day, my life, my ANYTHING to bother being insulted by what someone chose to give or not give to me. Short of a dead rat in a paper bag I'll gladly accept the generosity of my friends and family no matter WHAT it is.

 

[mjkacmom]

We are exactly the same a customary gift is $30 or so - now my mom will spend $100 & help with a shower or serve @ the wedding. NEVER do we give cash. I don't want to foster whatever bad habits they have. HA HA! Just kidding (kinda)

See, guests do not serve at the wedding - it would be like going to a restaurant, and going into the kitchen to get the food for your family. The venue has servers dressed in black jackets and ties, and they serve the food. We all very grateful to be waited on, served passed food, brought drinks from the bar, have our order taken, etc., that we like to give a nice gift.

 

[jrmasm]

See, guests do not serve at the wedding - it would be like going to a restaurant, and going into the kitchen to get the food for your family. The venue has servers dressed in black jackets and ties, and they serve the food. We all very grateful to be waited on, served passed food, brought drinks from the bar, have our order taken, etc., that we like to give a nice gift.

I've never seen a guest or family member serve at a wedding either.

 

[shortbun]

I'm not getting into the argument but OP, I'd give at least $300 and probably more like $400. You are her boss and you are a party of five attending-gifts for five people, not a couple. Since the others are your children, I'd say it's ok to treat them like one family or one group so simply double what you and your husband would normally spend.

 

[AustinTink]

Hey, I don't make the rules down here. I just live by them.

Wasn't meaning to put anyone else's traditions down. I should have said "around here it would be rude".

I see what you mean about the registry and you are right, technically. I guess maybe its more of a somebody else will be able to see what they spent. I don't know. Its just long been a southern thing that discussing money or how much something cost or how much someone spent is rude. (and "knowing" what someone spent--as in seeing the check or price tag--is "discussing").

Ding, Ding, Ding!

That's the southern way. Growing up, I was never even allowed to see the bill in a restaurant, because discussing money was considered rude.

In my family and group of friends we rarely ever give gift cards either. The whole giving people money thing is a no-no. We try to find the perfect gift for every occasion.

Wow, I kinda sound like a southern belle to the max. I never realized this about myself.

 

[AustinTink]

We should all word it as "in the area I live in. . ." I am sure weddings are hardly the only thing were the regions differ in what is "supposed" to be done and what is not.

I think what amazes some people is not the giving of money so much as the amounts. And as someone not used to the tradition, when anyone says that they "cover their plate" it just begins to sound more like something the guests are required to do than something that is just done.

"Cover your plate" sounds like "Going dutch" to me. You don't invite people to a wedding and expect them to go dutch.

 

[snapppyd]

Ding, Ding, Ding!

That's the southern way. Growing up, I was never even allowed to see the bill in a restaurant, because discussing money was considered rude.

In my family and group of friends we rarely ever give gift cards either. The whole giving people money thing is a no-no. We try to find the perfect gift for every occasion.

Wow, I kinda sound like a southern belle to the max. I never realized this about myself.

"Cover your plate" sounds like "Going dutch" to me. You don't invite people to a wedding and expect them to go dutch.

I'm not trying to argue with you, but when you have a registry the price of everything is listed right out in the open. Also, no one "expects" guests to cover their plate, we are saying it is something we "enjoy" doing.

 

[msjprincess]

"Cover your plate" sounds like "Going dutch" to me. You don't invite people to a wedding and expect them to go dutch.

Oh my goodness. Once again no one is telling guests how much to spend. The guests choose to spend that much because they want to. What the heck is wrong with wanting to give someone a generous gift? I never knew that was a bad thing.

It would be one thing if brides were demanding it and the guests were complaining. But the guests all choose to do it. So what exactly is the problem with it?

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

This thread makes me wonder about some of our other customs. For instance, Are we Southerners the only ones who take food to the family when a loved one dies?

Penny

No. Southeners are not the only ones who rally around people who are in crisis. Everyone that I know brings gobs and gobs of food to people who have lost a loved one.

 

[roscoepc1]

Can I answer this later? After I come back from getting CPR at Emerg? Holy cow....I just cannot fathom the kinds of money people are talking about here....

I think dh and I should renew our vows and invite Dis'ers! We could pay off our mortgage!

Seriously....if anyone gave a couple around here $500, they'd have a stroke, and try and return it, assuming it was a mistake!

My VERY beloved nephew and his awesome fiancee are getting married this fall, and their gift MIGHT reach $200, since my sister and I are very close, and he's closer to being like a son to me than a nephew.

My cousin's son is also getting married this year. My cousin and I are also the best of friends as well as cousins, so HIS gift might hit $100....

Anyone who isn't as close (friend or family)?? Maybe $50-60.

 

[bellebud]

I've posted before, but wanted to add...

"around here" (in NY), I haven't seen people 'register' for their weddings. I'm sure some do, but not everyone. 15 - 20 years ago, when I and all my friends got married, NONE of us registered for our weddings.

But we all did do a registry for our showers.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Let me see if I understand. Carrying a money bag at a wedding is tacky. Setting up a gift table is not tacky. A couple expecting guests to give them money is tacky. A couple expecting guests to give them china, silver...is not tacky. Knowing how much someone GAVE you is wrong. Knowing how much someone SPENT on you is not. Clear as mud. LOL

 

[punkin]

It all depends on what you're used to. For my BIL's wedding, DH and I gave $500. I thought that would be appropriate from a brother and his wife. My mother was horrified that we would give so little in such a close relationship, but DH's brother almost had a heart attack because we gave so much.

As a comparison, when I got married (about 5 years before BIL), my sister paid for a week at a golf resort for our honeymoon and gave $300 spending cash.

 

[scrapquitler]

If your dd's are adults and have income, they should be buying their own gifts IMHO.

I agree with this.

 

[AustinTink]

I'm not trying to argue with you, but when you have a registry the price of everything is listed right out in the open. Also, no one "expects" guests to cover their plate, we are saying it is something we "enjoy" doing.

I get what everyone is saying. The thing is it's not the price of the gift, but the gift itself. I always purchase a very nice gift (or two if attending the shower), money is no object.

It's the paying for someone's wedding that confuses me. Question... in your neck of the woods, don't the bride's parents pay for the wedding. Or, is that an old southern throwback, too?

 

[snapppyd]

Well you all might want to sit down for this. When my niece got married in 2001 we gave her $2,500 - it was a very formal wedding. When my nephew got married he eloped - he got $1,000. Mind you, we don't have kids of our own so we can do this. Again, they never expected it - we did what was in our hearts to try and help them get started, etc.

 

[AustinTink]

I'm not trying to argue with you, but when you have a registry the price of everything is listed right out in the open. Also, no one "expects" guests to cover their plate, we are saying it is something we "enjoy" doing.

I get what everyone is saying. The thing is it's not the price of the gift, but the gift itself. I always purchase a very nice gift (or two if attending the shower), money is no object.

It's the paying for someone's wedding that confuses me. Question... in your neck of the woods, don't the bride's parents pay for the wedding. Or, is that an old southern throwback, too? This is still the case here, unless they couple is older, as I was, or second marriage.

 

[roscoepc1]

To expect 2 presents when you get married seems rather greedy to me though.

Oh sugar...You'd have a heart attack around here then! We have at LEAST three showers per wedding (of a relative), plus a more expensive wedding gift. We believe newlyweds shouldn't have to buy ANYTHING after the wedding!

I had 5 showers thrown for me when I got married. One community at the church (neighbours and church family), one from my best girlfriends, one for each side of my family, and one from my fiance's family.

And b/c we're close, and rural, a lot of people were at 2 or more of those showers! Around here, showers are smaller "necessity" gifts...toasters, tea towels, utensils, curios, cookbooks, etc...

Wedding gifts are things more like BBQ's, table and chairs, lawn chairs, large pieces of artwork, etc. A lot of times a group of people will all pitch in on a larger wedding gift. For example, our young single friends all chipped in for a BBQ for us...my sisters all chipped in on the table and chairs...

One of the gifts I still giggle over was a small wicker squirrel missing one ear. Dusty. I treasure it too though, as it was from one of my ILs' neighbours who suffers from dementia.

Oh, and we don't "expect" more than one gift...it's a blessing, and we appreciate all the thoughtfulness put into each and every gift. And if someone gives "less" than another? It's not even noticed.