How much to give for a wedding gift for family of 5 attending

[Ciao Mickey]

I haven't checked this thread since I posted. Sorry.

To answer your question... Around here the shower is for everyday items. These are your small appliances, everyday dishes and flatware, kitchen gadgets, towels, etc. These are from a registry.

For the wedding, people buy from the more expensive side of the registry. This is your fine china, real silver, crystal stemware, pretty vases, etc.

I ended up getting everything from my registry. I had all that I needed to set up the new home we moved into a month after we married. It was wonderful.

I still use my fine china, silver and stemware on a regular basis. We like to have fancy dinner parties with our friends. In fact, we won a dinner cooked in our home by one of the finalists from Top Chef, Casey. I'll be breaking out the china that night, for sure!

Oh, and I didn't receive one single chotchkie. That's an interesting word, we don't use it around here. Would that be like a figurine, or something? My family says curios.

Chotckies aka *dust collectors.*

The point I was trying to make is the bride gets all of what you listed at her bridal shower, that is why cash is given at the wedding.

 

[Art 1]

We will be attending in Orlando in 2 less than 2 weeks. It is for one of my dance instructors that works for me. (she is from Orlando) We normally would not go to the wedding, but we will be in Orlando anyway at OKW.

All 5 of us are attending.......all adults. Two of my DD's have become very good friends with her & the other DD hangs out with them all occasionally.

We will be giving a monetary gift. Any thoughts on an amount?

If it was DH & myself I would probably give about $150-$200. Should I give $500. That seems like a lot, but there are 5 adults attending. I don't want to look stingy, but I also don't want to look like I'm trying to play "big shot" because I'm her employer.

$500 would be the right amount.

 

[Polyluvr]

WOW! You're the one who CHOSE to spend $28,000 on your reception...not your guests. I don't care if you're my sister. I wouldn't have stepped foot into your reception. I think it's awful to think that anyone would look down upon someone's generosity when receiving a gift (and YES...even a toaster!). Like I said, it's not my fault you went overboard on your wedding and then wanted the money back from your guests. I agree with others...perhaps you should have just asked for a cover charge at the door. Or perhaps have your reply cards printed with the price of admission on them, and let the guests send their payment when they send the reply cards back.
Then at least eveyone knows what to expect and no one has to worry about being talked about/laughed at when they leave...

I don't mean to be crass, but this is just the way it feels to me. Like it's nothing more than a big show and you're the performers...just sell tickets...who cares about your loved ones being there to celebrate your day??? It's all about recoupping the cost.

I was being honest~ those are my feelings~ right or wrong I own them.
I wouldn't go to a wedding and @ the very least not cover mine and DH's plate charge.

 

[ems_mom]

I live in the North East and also posted about this issue in the last year. I think a point that has been overlooked is that weddings are very pricey in certain areas. The one I posted about was near DC and I believe the price was inflated based on the location.

That said, I don't think a wedding invitation should be seen as a bill. I believe if you were invited, one of the marriage party wanted you there. Give what you can, not what their $100,000 wedding cost.

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

I was being honest~ those are my feelings~ right or wrong I own them.
I wouldn't go to a wedding and @ the very least not cover mine and DH's plate charge.

As a guest, I would cover my plate too. But we have the money to do so.

But as a bride, I would NEVER judge someone if they didn't cover their plate. That is just not right. I would plan a wedding that I could afford. Then I would invite people that I love and just be happy that they came

I was so upset that a friend (who was not working at the time of my wedding) said they couldn't come. She had no money to spare. I took her out to dinner and begged her to come. I wasn't thinking about plates being covered or recouping my money. I was frantic that someone I loved so much wasn't going to come to my wedding. I think it is weird to even think that way as a bride.

 

[bellebud]

It's the paying for someone's wedding that confuses me. Question... in your neck of the woods, don't the bride's parents pay for the wedding. Or, is that an old southern throwback, too? This is still the case here, unless they couple is older, as I was, or second marriage.

We're in NY, our wedding was 18 years ago, and my dad gave us $5000 towards it, my mom gave $1000 (and threw me my shower at her house), dfil got us a week at his friends condo in florida for our honeymoon (friend owed fil a favor) - it was a retirement community sort of place (lol), but we didn't care, we just wanted quiet anyway. We're not partying people. (we then went to Disney for 3 or so days). MIL gave a couple hundred I think (and threw us an engagement party at her house). People did what they could. Our wedding cost, if I'm remembering correctly, around $12,000. And we did it as cheaply as we could (for a regular, reception hall wedding). We did buffet w/ chicken type dishes, but we had around 200 people and I rented the 'whole' reception area (you know how they curtain off a big room so 2 weddings can take place, but they squish people in? I really didn't want that). I also thought it was very important for the guests to have it at a hotel w/ a reception hall, I didn't want people driving drunk. And we had a lot of out-of-town guests who were coming for a few days to visit family, so it was easiest for our guests to have it there. And we had an open bar - again, for the enjoyment of the guests.

It was by no means over the top - a very typical wedding for our area. And no, my family (the brides family) could certainly not "pay" for the wedding. My dad giving us the $5000 was very generous and he felt obligated as the father of the bride (but he also gave my 2 brothers the same, and my 3 step sibs the same too - fair is fair). So we paid for the rest, of course, which wasn't too much, but it was when you're broke and in debt. But no biggie, we did it.

 

[mjkacmom]

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I think the general consensus was that it is tacky for the bride to 'expect' people to cover their plates with their gifts and plan their wedding according to that budget, and not planning a wedding within their regular budget. And that enough pressure has been put on guests over the years with this tradition that they feel obligated to "cover their plate." It is one thing if you can afford it and want to do it. It is another if you feel forced because the bride is a petulant bride and would be "peeved" if you brought something rather than a substantial gift or that you feel you had to because of societal pressure. How many people here have said they skip a lot of weddings because they can't afford the 'cover your plate' tradition.
.

Trust me - MOST people in this area don't EXPECT a certain amount. We are not pressured to come up with extra cash, and most won't skip a wedding because they can't afford the typical gift. I believe that, on these threads, MOST people will still say give what you can afford to give, and that one is invited because the couple wants them there, not their checkbook. People give what they can comfortably give. I know we received more from our older relatives, all financially well off, than some of our friends, but we were in our late 20's, so probably received more than those who married much younger (like maybe 2 or so couples we know - people marry later here).

Those who seem uncomfortable with our traditions are those who aren't familiar with them. Those of us who grew up with these traditions are usually fine with them - they're what we are used to. I never did a spreadsheet, but I would guess I came out equal with what I gave for wedding gifts, and what I received as wedding gifts. I'm guessing most people can say the same (unless they never married).

 

[golfgal]

Trust me - MOST people in this area don't EXPECT a certain amount. We are not pressured to come up with extra cash, and most won't skip a wedding because they can't afford the typical gift. I believe that, on these threads, MOST people will still say give what you can afford to give, and that one is invited because the couple wants them there, not their checkbook. People give what they can comfortably give. I know we received more from our older relatives, all financially well off, than some of our friends, but we were in our late 20's, so probably received more than those who married much younger (like maybe 2 or so couples we know - people marry later here).

Those who seem uncomfortable with our traditions are those who aren't familiar with them. Those of us who grew up with these traditions are usually fine with them - they're what we are used to. I never did a spreadsheet, but I would guess I came out equal with what I gave for wedding gifts, and what I received as wedding gifts. I'm guessing most people can say the same (unless they never married).

No, it isn't that we are uncomfortable with them, we find them rude and tacky.

 

[arminnie]

Chotckies aka *dust collectors.*

The point I was trying to make is the bride gets all of what you listed at her bridal shower, that is why cash is given at the wedding.

Do people really give an $800 place setting of sterling silver as a shower gift? That's what might be a wedding gift, but I've never seen that kind of present at a shower. Wow!

Many of the parties for the bride where I've lived (all over the country but mostly in TX and CA) are not gift events. It's a luncheon, dinner party, etc. in honor of the bride or couple. I just gave one for an out of town bride at a restaurant for 40 people. No one brought a gift. The invitation said luncheon not shower.

A few months earler I co-hosted a brunch for a friend's daughter and her spouse to be during the wedding weekend. We probably had 100 people. No presents at all. Now these were pretty expensive events (multiple times the cover your plate) so that was a significant part of my gift to the couple.

Now when I was younger and didn't have as much money it might be a lunch or dinner in someone's home with multiple people chipping in. Lots of people may want to honor the couple but you really don't want to end up with people going to 8-10 parties that require a gift.

I am not at all opposed to giving cash as a wedding gift. I have done it for young couples who I know don't have a lot of money. But I would never do it for two 30+ year old investment bankers/lawyers who are probably making over $500,000 a year. That would kind of be a joke.

 

[msjprincess]

No, it isn't that we are uncomfortable with them, we find them rude and tacky.

Which part is rude and tacky? Giving cash or giving more cash than you would give?

 

[AustinTink]

Which part is rude and tacky? Giving cash or giving more cash than you would give?

I don't think this has anything to do with dollar amounts, or anyone's lack of funds. It's the expectation of receiving money to pay for an event, to which you are an invited guest.

 

[golfgal]

I don't think this has anything to do with dollar amounts, or anyone's lack of funds. It's the expectation of receiving money to pay for an event, to which you are an invited guest.

Yep

I have zero issues with giving cash as a present or giving a present as a present. I have a LOT of issues with being expected to "pay" for someone else's wedding.

 

[lady_bug_888]

I think you should give what you can afford. If all five of you want to just give one card and $500 is how much you agree on, then $500 it is. I would suggest having more than one card and splitting it up...maybe one from you and one from DDs???

I don't go by the 'cover your plate' thing that most people do and I certainly didn't expect that when I got married. I'm sure the couple will appreciate whatever you decide to give and if they don't then that's their problem not yours.

What you've suggested sounds very generous in my books!

 

[suzannen]

I don't think this has anything to do with dollar amounts, or anyone's lack of funds. It's the expectation of receiving money to pay for an event, to which you are an invited guest.

Honestly, I don't know HOW many times, folks from the NY area can say - IT'S NOT EXPECTED, it's just the what people like and tend to give. My DD recently got married in a very formal, black tie wedding in NYC. The wedding was paid in full with absolutely no debt accrued. Some guests gave $50 some, gave $1,000. She appreciated each and every gift and cherished ALL of her guests that were with her on that day. And, yes, she did receive full china place settings, silver settings and crystal as shower gifts. I didn't hear any complaints, only how happy everyone was to share in the couple's happy day and from the photos and videos, all I saw were smiling faces. That's the end reason you attend a wedding - to share in the joy - not to nitpick if the couple chose to do something differently than the way that you would have chosen do it! I really don't understand why the subjects of weddings makes some so ornery - just say "no" if an invite bothers you!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Honestly, I don't know HOW many times, folks from the NY area can say - IT'S NOT EXPECTED, it's just the what people like and tend to give.

I have seen it posted enough times that it is nothing short of rude to not cover your plate by those folks who claim it is the norm that it could be screamed from the rooftops in NYC and it won't change the fact that there are folks who do spend their time Judging those who can't or won't.

While it is a lovely rule of thumb to achieve, it gets pitched far too often as expected.

 

[msjprincess]

I have seen it posted enough times that it is nothing short of rude to not cover your plate by those folks who claim it is the norm that it could be screamed from the rooftops in NYC and it won't change the fact that there are folks who do spend their time Judging those who can't or won't.

While it is a lovely rule of thumb to achieve, it gets pitched far too often as expected.

And those are the same people that would be *****ing and moaning about the toaster that Aunt Sally gave them if they lived in another part of the country. Believe it or not there are rude people in the South too.

 

[ksjayhawks]

You said you would normally give $150--200, so I would give the $200 in your case.

We give about $60-75, which is the norm here amongst our friends, family and coworkers.

 

[msjprincess]

I don't think this has anything to do with dollar amounts, or anyone's lack of funds. It's the expectation of receiving money to pay for an event, to which you are an invited guest.

Are you purposely ignoring all of the people that have said numerous times that the guests do not pay for the wedding? Do you think the couple walks around with a credit card machine or something?

 

[AustinTink]

Are you purposely ignoring all of the people that have said numerous times that the guests do not pay for the wedding? Do you think the couple walks around with a credit card machine or something?

They might as well, princess.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

And those are the same people that would be *****ing and moaning about the toaster that Aunt Sally gave them if they lived in another part of the country. Believe it or not there are rude people in the South too.

I was responding to a poster who asked a question.

No need to play the "but others are rude too" card to justify any of this back and forth gift giving quibbling.

I don't have a dog in the fight--but simply shared what I have observed over the years whenever this topic rears it's ugly head.


There is no need to get defensive. This is just a wedding gift, not an organ transplant.