How much to give for a wedding gift for family of 5 attending

[babyrich]

My mother passed away 20 years ago and my father was never really in my life. So I didnt have parents to pay for my wedding. My DH and I paid for it ourselves.

 

[snapppyd]

I get what everyone is saying. The thing is it's not the price of the gift, but the gift itself. I always purchase a very nice gift (or two if attending the shower), money is no object.

It's the paying for someone's wedding that confuses me. Question... in your neck of the woods, don't the bride's parents pay for the wedding. Or, is that an old southern throwback, too? This is still the case here, unless they couple is older, as I was, or second marriage.

I think the confusion is that you think the guests are "paying' for the wedding. In some cases the bride's parents pay; many times these days the couple pays for the wedding themselves. The money is the gift - I think in "my" area we were just raised to think you give a gift that would cover the cost of you attending, this way they don't walk away with a debt, but hopefully a small nest egg. Again, we give wrapped gifts at the bridal shower.

I think we really should all just agree that there is no right or wrong here, just a cultural/regional difference.

 

[ilovejack02]

Let me see if I understand. Carrying a money bag at a wedding is tacky. Setting up a gift table is not tacky. A couple expecting guests to give them money is tacky. A couple expecting guests to give them china, silver...is not tacky. Knowing how much someone GAVE you is wrong. Knowing how much someone SPENT on you is not. Clear as mud. LOL

LOL supposedly setting up gift table in my neck of the woods is tacky, hence sending wedding gifts a few weeks in advance and then they are displayed at usually the bride's mothers home for all to ohhh and ahhhh over .

I still see gift tables though at weddings, so maybe it isn't as tacky as I have been told it is .

 

[snapppyd]

Oh sugar...You'd have a heart attack around here then! We have at LEAST three showers per wedding (of a relative), plus a more expensive wedding gift. We believe newlyweds shouldn't have to buy ANYTHING after the wedding!

I had 5 showers thrown for me when I got married. One community at the church (neighbours and church family), one from my best girlfriends, one for each side of my family, and one from my fiance's family.

And b/c we're close, and rural, a lot of people were at 2 or more of those showers! Around here, showers are smaller "necessity" gifts...toasters, tea towels, utensils, curios, cookbooks, etc...

Wedding gifts are things more like BBQ's, table and chairs, lawn chairs, large pieces of artwork, etc. A lot of times a group of people will all pitch in on a larger wedding gift. For example, our young single friends all chipped in for a BBQ for us...my sisters all chipped in on the table and chairs...

One of the gifts I still giggle over was a small wicker squirrel missing one ear. Dusty. I treasure it too though, as it was from one of my ILs' neighbours who suffers from dementia.

Oh, and we don't "expect" more than one gift...it's a blessing, and we appreciate all the thoughtfulness put into each and every gift. And if someone gives "less" than another? It's not even noticed.

that is so cute - the squirrel. You know you just reminded me of the Chevy Chase movie where the old lady put her cat in a box? And a jello mold in a box?

 

[snapppyd]

My mother passed away 20 years ago and my father was never really in my life. So I didnt have parents to pay for my wedding. My DH and I paid for it ourselves.

You are the perfect example of why we give money - wouldn't it have been nice to have that great party but not have a bill hanging over your head at the end, and maybe even a little extra to spend on your honeymoon or whatever?

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I get what everyone is saying. The thing is it's not the price of the gift, but the gift itself. I always purchase a very nice gift (or two if attending the shower), money is no object.

It's the paying for someone's wedding that confuses me. Question... in your neck of the woods, don't the bride's parents pay for the wedding. Or, is that an old southern throwback, too?

Who said guests were paying for the wedding? My parents paid for my wedding.

The "cover your plate" thing is a GUIDELINE that SOME people use to determine what they would like to give to the couple getting married.

 

[msjprincess]

I get what everyone is saying. The thing is it's not the price of the gift, but the gift itself. I always purchase a very nice gift (or two if attending the shower), money is no object.

It's the paying for someone's wedding that confuses me. Question... in your neck of the woods, don't the bride's parents pay for the wedding. Or, is that an old southern throwback, too?

The guests are not paying for the wedding. The wedding is paid for by the parents, the couple, the grandparents or whoever.

The guests give money as a gift, not to pay for the wedding.

 

[ICF]

Well you all might want to sit down for this. When my niece got married in 2001 we gave her $2,500 - it was a very formal wedding. When my nephew got married he eloped - he got $1,000. Mind you, we don't have kids of our own so we can do this. Again, they never expected it - we did what was in our hearts to try and help them get started, etc.

So one kid got $1500 less just b/c he chose to elope and not throw a formal wedding reception? Is that REALLY the reason or is there something else -- ie your financial situation involved that might have casued the difference???

Reading threads like this.....I wish I had grown up in one of those areas that do things like this and raked in the cash right before I moved to the south or midwest where these types of wedding gifts are thought of as nuts!!

 

[snapppyd]

So one kid got $1500 less just b/c he chose to elope and not throw a formal wedding reception? Is that REALLY the reason or is there something else -- ie your financial situation involved that might have casued the difference???

Reading threads like this.....I wish I had grown up in one of those areas that do things like this and raked in the cash right before I moved to the south or midwest where these types of wedding gifts are thought of as nuts!!

Well for one I had a job and for the other I didn't. But yes, the cost of the wedding was also a consideration. Like I said, we like them to come out at the end with more than they had going in. I can't speak for everyone, but that's what my family does.

 

[goofy!]

Let me see if I understand. Carrying a money bag at a wedding is tacky. Setting up a gift table is not tacky. A couple expecting guests to give them money is tacky. A couple expecting guests to give them china, silver...is not tacky. Knowing how much someone GAVE you is wrong. Knowing how much someone SPENT on you is not. Clear as mud. LOL

.

There were only a few people that thought the actual giving of money was tacky.

I think the general consensus was that it is tacky for the bride to 'expect' people to cover their plates with their gifts and plan their wedding according to that budget, and not planning a wedding within their regular budget. And that enough pressure has been put on guests over the years with this tradition that they feel obligated to "cover their plate." It is one thing if you can afford it and want to do it. It is another if you feel forced because the bride is a petulant bride and would be "peeved" if you brought something rather than a substantial gift or that you feel you had to because of societal pressure. How many people here have said they skip a lot of weddings because they can't afford the 'cover your plate' tradition.

I find that sad that people find there is so much pressure to 'cover your plate' that they have to pick and choose their weddings they go to very carefully. As a bride, it would make me sad that the people I wanted to share my day with felt they couldn't afford my wedding because of the 'norms' of where I lived and choose to skip it.

I was always taught that when you host a party, you do not expect payment in return. Gifts are never mandatory, but graciously accepted if a guest chooses to bring one. And you are never 'peeved' is somebody brings you a toaster.

I do think begging for even more money (money dance) after people have already brought a shower gift and a wedding gift is beyond gauche.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Well you all might want to sit down for this. When my niece got married in 2001 we gave her $2,500 - it was a very formal wedding. When my nephew got married he eloped - he got $1,000. Mind you, we don't have kids of our own so we can do this. Again, they never expected it - we did what was in our hearts to try and help them get started, etc.

I think that's different. They're your niece and nephew. If an aunt and uncle were wealthy enough to give that here, it would be very appreciated, but not seen as something weird. If a neighbor or friend gave that much (or even more than $100) it would see strange.

It seems like in the Northeast it's more about the party and here it's more about the ceremony. I'm not saying either way is better, that's just what it seems like from what I'm reading.

I'm just thankful right now I don't live up there. I'm out of work and while DH makes a decent salary, we're struggling a bit now. I don't know what we'd do if we got a wedding invitation. I guess if it were a family member, we'd have to take out a loan.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Well you all might want to sit down for this. When my niece got married in 2001 we gave her $2,500 - it was a very formal wedding. When my nephew got married he eloped - he got $1,000. Mind you, we don't have kids of our own so we can do this. Again, they never expected it - we did what was in our hearts to try and help them get started, etc.

I think that's different. They're your niece and nephew. If an aunt and uncle were wealthy enough to give that here, it would be very appreciated, but not seen as something weird. If a neighbor or friend gave that much (or even more than $100) it would seem strange.

It seems like in the Northeast it's more about the party and here it's more about the ceremony. I'm not saying either way is better, that's just what it seems like from what I'm reading.

I'm just thankful right now I don't live up there. I'm out of work and while DH makes a decent salary, we're struggling a bit now. I don't know what we'd do if we got a wedding invitation. I guess if it were a family member, we'd have to take out a loan.

 

[goofy!]

I think the confusion is that you think the guests are "paying' for the wedding. In some cases the bride's parents pay; many times these days the couple pays for the wedding themselves. The money is the gift - I think in "my" area we were just raised to think you give a gift that would cover the cost of you attending, this way they don't walk away with a debt, but hopefully a small nest egg. Again, we give wrapped gifts at the bridal shower.

I think we really should all just agree that there is no right or wrong here, just a cultural/regional difference.

But that is my whole question. Why would a bride go into debt for her wedding and why would guests feel that they had to pull the bride out of debt?

Wouldn't it just be more prudent to scale back the wedding so everybody could attend and the gifts would actually be for a nest egg and not to pay down the wedding debt?

You yourself said you gave $1,500 more to a niece because she had a big wedding vs. the nephew that eloped.

So, in essence, you paid $1,500 admission to the niece's wedding to help them pay for it and then gave both the niece and nephew $1,000 for their nest egg?

It just seems weird to have to give more to a bride because they choose to have a fancier wedding.

 

[snapppyd]

I really have nothing more to say on the subject, we will just be going in circles. Off to make dinner!

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

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I do think begging for even more money (money dance) after people have already brought a shower gift and a wedding dance is beyond gauche.

The Dollar Dance has been at almost every wedding I have ever been to. You get a shot of whiskey after your dance. It is a very Polish/Ukrainian thing to do. There is even a Polka to dance to it. I have heard it a million times, but had to look up the lyrics:

Put some money in the plate
Put some money in the plate
for her high veiled bridal cap.
for her high veiled bridal cap.
Put some money in the plate.
Put some money in the plate.

Let the whole family help out.
Let the whole family help out.
The money is not enough.
The money is not enough.

Let the starosta help out.
Let the starosta help out.
The Bride would be happier,
The Bride would be happier,
if the groom was dancing with her.
if the groom was dancing with her.

Our bride is beautiful,
Our bride is beautiful,
but does she know how to work.
but does she know how to work.

Father dances with the bride.
Father dances with the bride.
He's so proud of his little girl.
He's so proud of his little girl.

Now the mother takes a turn.
Now the mother takes a turn.
Soon to have a family of her own.
Soon to have a family of her own.


The bride dancing with the groom.
The bride dancing with the groom.
What a lovely couple they make.
What a lovely couple they make.

Take the bride away with you.
Take the bride away with you.
and love her till your death.
and love her till your death.


It is a horrible sounding song, but a very strong tradition in some Chicago communities and small sections of North East Pennsylvania. The Pennsylvania Polka people love to play this on the radio when they announce a family member was married.

Not my thing, but it is their tradition. I think non- Polish/Ukrainian people have adapted this tradition for obvious reasons $$$$$$$


I guess I would be just as shocked to see family memebers serving food at a wedding, as I have never in my life heard of such a thing.

 

[aprilgail2]

Does anyone remember the dollar dance at weddings? Maybe this is a California thing. The way it worked was the bride would stand on the dance floor and men would line up to dance with her. The man had to pin $1 on her dress in order to dance with her.

Thank goodness we don't do that around here---sounds like paying a stripper to dance for you!!!

To expect 2 presents when you get married seems rather greedy to me though.

TWO??? Don't forget the engagement party!! Its more like THREE gifts for one wedding!

It just seems weird to have to give more to a bride because they choose to have a fancier wedding.

Most people I know here use that when giving to kids birthday parties too---if they are out someplace you give more than you do if its just a party at the house (not that there are many of those given).

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

Thank goodness we don't do that around here---sounds like paying a stripper to dance for you!!!

It can seem very much like a stripper act if you haven't seen the real deal. I agree.

Here is the song in Polish:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-8puCckb80

Again, I didn't do it (not Polish/not my thing), but I have been to many, many weddings that have the Pani Mloda (Wedding Dance/Dollar Dance).


I have wound up getting in line twice during the Pani Mloda . Especially if the "shot" they give is good It is a fun time. And if you aren't comfortable dancing it or giving money, nobody will ever notice.



Now this one tells me maybe they aren't Polish and it has nothing to do with tradtion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcYKIX5zQGA&feature=related

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

Another one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDTfWZgUvmk&feature=related

See the girls serving shots Pay a dollar, get a dance and a shot

Nobody seems like it is tacky. Nobody seems put off. But it is very difficult to understand if it is not your cuture or region. Just trying to put a "name to the face"

 

[disneyjunkie]

Oh boy April. You had to bring up birthday parties!! All of the sweet sixteens and quinceanera my son attended were held in banquet halls. Each girl received a card with money. Yeah I did the cover your plate thing. It wasn't expected and we were not pressured into doing it.

 

[ilovejack02]

TWO??? Don't forget the engagement party!! Its more like THREE gifts for one wedding!

Two weddings I attended had multiple parties each ughhh , one I was bridal party and one I was not in. Both huge Catholic families .

Engagement party for both
Couples shower for both, one of which I helped host.
family shower ( IE the "little old lady shower " ) for both. One of the girls had two family showers, one for groom's side, one for her side.

A 'bar' party given by one of the groom's law firm, I was invited because I was a bride's maid but I declined that invite.

My mother is best friend's with one of the bride's mom, their book club , held a "cookbook" shower for bride. I was invited as I have know the girl since birth practically and My mom was a hostess.

bachelorette and bachelor parties .. the girl's party both being a lingerie shower.

Oh and the bridesmaid luncheon, all the bridemaid's got together and gave them 4 piece place setting of their china.

By the time both of those couple's got married , I was broke and exhausted.

I run now when girlfriends get married, I am too old for all that celebrating ; ).