How much do you accomodate your child's wants?

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

So, how much do you all accommodate your children’s wants? I have friends/relatives that make me look like the big, bad, old mama wolf!

My DD (5) has a good friend in school, and we are friends with the family. I have never once seen this girl’s Mom say “no” to her. She accommodates this child’s every whim. I’m not talking about material things but this child is definitely in charge of what happens in her day. I work in trips to the park and play dates but it isn’t every day! I have work to do too and sometimes DD just has to suffer and go home with me Had to recently break DD of throwing tantrums because “but her Mom says we can!”

We just visited relatives over Spring Break and DS (9) has a male cousin the same age. Whatever this cousin wants, materially or otherwise, he gets. The world revolves around him. DS thinks I’m so mean because I don’t let him play M rated video games, and of course the cousin owns lots of them, for example. The cousin’s Mom thinks it’s ok to leave a 9 year old alone at the Mall! I think she’s crazy!

So, I’m just curious. How far do you go to accommodate your kid’s wants and whims (not needs!)? How much do you let the child run the show? I see amazingly permissive (IMHO) parents all around me!

 

[goodeats]

Isn't saying no part of being a parent. Saying yes is taking the easy way out sometimes.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

This should answer your question! My dd10 got a new Pottery Barn Teen catalog and fell in love with one of the bedding sets and decor. (of course, this is PB so everything she wanted came out to over $500). I told her that yes, it is a cool room, but she just got new bedding for Christmas and if she wants the PB stuff then she needs to get a job. She whined about how unfair it was and stomped off to her room!

 

[MouseWorshipin]

IMHO...

Giving kids stuff doesn't spoil them.

Giving kids stuff because they demand it spoils them. So does giving in to their temper tantrums.

I would never give any kid anything if they demanded it. Even if I'd planned on giving it to them before they demanded it. Around here, the grown-ups make the rules and the kids have to follow them. But there are too many kids running around to do it any other way. If one gets what they want and the other doesn't, I do what my Dad did. I tell them, "because I like her better than you."

Video games/music/movies and ratings, and being left alone at the mall are up to the parent. I try to stay out of that stuff.

 

[luvmydogs]

The only things I probably indulge ds10 in are books--as long as what he's asking for is age-appropriate, I usually don't have a problem buying it. He's got a bike, skateboard, rollerblades and a lot of sports equipment because outside activities are his interests and he plays on seasonal teams; but I haven't given into the XBox/Playstation requests, because I just don't think we need it here (not condemning those that have them, we just choose not to). We also encourage him to save up for things he really wants by banking his birthday and Christmas money--that way he can see what it's like to save, and he can have some things for which we wouldn't normally shell out our money.

I've used the same line on him that my father once used on me:

"Whyyyyyyyy can't I haaaaaaaave it--we have the moneyyyyyyyy?!!!"
"No, your father and I have money. You have nothing."

 

[AprilShowers]

They get their way on the little stuff, like what kind of pizza to order, or what fast food restaurant to go to.
But the big stuff? NoWay!!

I have a Dsil & Dbil who let their kid make major family decisions. When he was 8, he picked out their new sofa!
Sometimes when we expect them somewhere and they don't show up, when asked why it's always "DS didn't want to go anywhere." give me a break!

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

would never give any kid anything if they demanded it. Even if I'd planned on giving it to them before they demanded it.

Same here, that's happened quite a few times.

"Whyyyyyyyy can't I haaaaaaaave it--we have the moneyyyyyyyy?!!!" "No, your father and I have money. You have nothing."

I love that! Got to use it!

My kids have lots of material things too and we do lots of things with them. I think the problem does come in when they demand or expect things.

My friend said something about "well, it's better than me nagging at them all the time". I think she wants peace at any cost so she lets the kids run the show. I get stressed sometimes when I've had to be the "bad guy" a lot. Not that I plan to change but sometimes I wonder if I'm just too "old school" as DS calls it. Mostly on the days that have been really wearing and I wish I could take the easy way out! Sometimes it's hard to stay tough

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

They get their way on the little stuff, like what kind of pizza to order, or what fast food restaurant to go to.

Exactly! I try to let them choose things that, well, really doesn't matter much to me. But I don't give in on things that I think are important.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Unless my kids are being bratty, I don't say "no" for the sake of saying no. I try to say yes if it's a reasonable request, in line with our values (no M video games, etc), and something that I'm able to say yes to.

But I don't buy my kids a lot of "stuff", either. Not because they are deprived, but because I've already bought so much throughout the years that we have too much as it is and they don't need more (I have 4 kids and things really pile up).

Really most of their requests are for things like, "Mom, can you move the van out of the driveway so we can play basketball?" or "Mom, can I have snack?". Reasonable requests from a 6yo or one of his brothers.

I can't let them have their way on what pizza to order or what restaurant to eat at, unless they take turns deciding, because with 3 kids still at home, they can never agree on anything.

 

[J/T Gramdma]

Being a parent is teaching your child the good and bad of life. If they get everything they want, when they get to the 'real world' and have to report to a boss they will not understand why the boss will not let them do what they want and they will be fired and blame it on everyone else. In my opionion, it is a form of child abuse to let the child rule the house at an early age. they are not giving the child the ability to survive and live in the real world which is what parenting is all about.

 

[SamIAm21]

Honestly, I think my DD reached her spoiled threshold this morning. Really just this morning. Easter is not typically a gift giving occassion, but the Easter bunny brought a "few" things for my DD yesterday, two books, two videos, Easter basket with jump road, chalk, and play soccer ball. I also picked up a bubble blower she wanted and a package of gumballs (so okay it's a "yard" of gumballs) and my dental futures went up exponentially, and a Sleeping Beauty "barbie" type doll.

She is the only child and a little girl and I spoil her because I can. I justified this because she never "acted spoiled". She doesn't throw tantrums even when I say no, which is a lot. She doesn't talk back or get mouthy and she's generally very easy going. She always seemed to genuinely appreciate the things she was given.

This morning, she stated to me very clearly... Why didn't everyone bring me a gift for Easter? No one else had gifts for me! My mouth hit the floor! I was shocked, hurt and really regretting the amount of Easter gifts bestowed upon her. Now, I have to undo this somehow as it's obvious she just expects gifts for everything from everyone. I think it's time to rock her world a little bit. Now, I am going to go through her toys and give some to the less fortunate out there. I realized this morning that I was doing her absolutely no favors being so generous. She needs to learn that you can't have it all and most of the time you have to work really hard for what you want. It's going to be a hard lesson for both of us, but it will be a good life lesson.

Ugggh... I never wanted to raise a brat.

I now have to go home and have a long talk about her! Wish me luck!

 

[highland3]

How much???? Too much!!! I'm a pushover for my kids.

 

[mamacatnv]

I am their parent, not their friend. The friendship will come later in life, when I no longer need to be the parent and that to me is one of the rewards.

My kids have way more stuff than I ever had. However, we are not push overs and the kids do not run our house, DH and I do. They are indulged with things, although we are pretty conservative, but we do not indulge when it comes to behavior.

My son had a best friend for 3rd-9th grade. He was an only child (not slamming, please do not flame) his parents indulge his every whim and let him run the house. The way he speaks to them is horrible. He stood out on the baseball field one day when his dad was the coach and told dad "Shut up Stupid". By the time the kids were mid way thru their 9th grade year, my son had had enough, the straw was when his friend physically pushed his mom at his 15th b-day party and she and his dad did nothing.

At age 15, my son saw thru his friend and how even tho they gave him everything he had no respect for his parents. My son who really loved his friends parents just couldn't understand how his friend could treat them that way and after living in a household where respect is key, he couldn't understand why they allowed his friend to treat them that way.

When the kids were younger and I got a lot of but "friend" has/got etc....
Here was my response:
All parents are different and they parent differently than your Dad and I do. It is not necessarily right or wrong just what works for their family, but it doesn't work in this family. We are not them and they are not us. This is just the way it is. Cope with it

 

[drgnfly30]

They can ask me for things all they want.. but not since they were very little do I 'give' in to the demands for immediate satisfaction... that was creating monsters!

They ultimately get a fair amount of the stuff they want but they have to wait until Christmas, Birthdays or things like making Honor Roll..

Kids need & want boundaries/rules.. they may not know it but they do & it's our job to set them.... As far as a leaving a 9 yr old at the mall... no way!

 

[punkin]

I try to give my children what they want if I can afford it. I don't like to say no just for the sake of saying no. My children are very good and rarely ask for much. My DD13 is dying for a cell phone. It is too expensive on a monthly basis and not necassary at all so I have told her "No"

However, my youger DD7 has been begging for a nintendo DS and I am considering it. She constantly plays with her sister's old gameboy circa 1992 and she has been so good at picking up her room and helping me out in general, that I am on the verge of giving in.

 

[lw49033]

Personally, I think hearing "no" is from one's parents sometimes is simply good for kids, even when it is not strictly an issue of discipline or safety. My kids aren't gimme-gimme types, for the most part, but I remember being a kid and having mom say no to things simply on the principle that I wasn't entitled to get everything I wanted. I raise my kids that way as well.

 

[Stacey2grls]

I have 2 DD's 6 and almost 8. I am an old softy in alot of ways, but, in most I am very tough with what I expect from them. I do not "jump" if they want a playdate, or my older daughter wants her room redone, I told her it will have to be her birthday gift. If they start a new sport or activity, they can't quit the first week because it "stinks". If they want something sweet, they need to wait after dinner. If they want a new toy or something special, they need to wait to their birthdays or christmas or for a special achievement. I could go on and on. I do know a number of mothers that if their kid whines once, they are all over them, trying to calm them, or give them what they want. I think their nuts! If your child is like this now, what is going to happen when they are teenagers or adults? Guess what? Their gonna walk all over you!

 

[punkin]

Personally, I think hearing "no" is from one's parents sometimes is simply good for kids, even when it is not strictly an issue of discipline or safety. My kids aren't gimme-gimme types, for the most part, but I remember being a kid and having mom say no to things simply on the principle that I wasn't entitled to get everything I wanted. I raise my kids that way as well.

Why say no just for the principle of the thing. That makes as little sense as just saying yes.

 

[dismom9761]

Well when it comes to material things my kids don't have alot of "toys".They do have a tv and playstation with a few sports games(my boys tv was hit by lightning) and they got quite a bit for Christmas from the families and Santa but we do not buy through the year.The other day my DS10 had a friend who asked where his "stuff" was.My son showed him his basketball,bikes,etc.Mostly outdoor stuff.They had a blast building a fort in the woods.

But like someone said -we do like to say yes as much as possible.They get paid for chores,take turns picking when we go out to eat,we take them to all of their activities,the oldest have friends over alot,etc.As long as they show respect to thers and do well in school we do all we can for them.That is why we had them.

 

[dg39]

While I'm the first to admit, I'm a push-over when it comes to my kids. My dh is even worse. My kids don't demand. They ask and if we find it appropriate, they get it. Alot of times if I see something in the mall or where ever and think my kids would like it, I get, even if they don't ask for it. But, there good kids. As soon as I see any change in them (for the worse, everything stops..) I'm a push over, but, not a fool...They don't run the household, my dh and I do and my kids know that..