How much do you accomodate your child's wants?

[Arielle22]

My problem isn't dh and I saying no but my sisters! I have 4 sisters (and a friend who is like a sister) plus 3 brothers. When my dd's spend time with any of them, they constantly come home with stuff.

It could their favorite cereal that I don't buy much (too much sugar) to costume jewelry to small toys.

I frequently tell them no. I could range from staying up late to going to a friend's house to play.

While I always want to be close to my dds I don't want to be their friend. I think it is mine and dh's responsibility to teach them to fit into the world since the world won't change for them.

 

[buddy&wooz]

I have two friends who never say no to their kids. Then they complain that the kids never listen. Well, why should they? No consequenses for bad behavior, and they get whatever they ask for.

I admit to spoiling my kids a bit, but on my terms, never based on their demands. In fact I've been known to say no just because I don't like the tone of voice in the "request." I'm just a meanie, I guess.

 

[va32h]

I think everyone has their hot-button issues when it comes to saying yes or no to things.

When it comes to food, I very rarely say no. My kids are skinny, and yet always hungry. Sadly, they did not inherit this wonderful metabolism from me.
They can ask for pudding cups half an hour before dinner, and I'll say yes, because I know they will also eat their dinner, and another snack or two before bed. It isn't all sweets and junk, either. Oldest DD's favorite snack is wheat crackers, youngest loves bananas, and my son prefers yogurt or peanut butter.

Gifts and toys are another story. If they want something they can "put it on their list" - i.e. their birthday or Christmas list. Whether I can afford it is irrelevant. We can't always get what we want in life.

I want plenty of things that I don't get - a laptop, for example. Or a treadmill. But I just can't justify to myself spending money on something I don't actually need. The computer I have is fine, and I have a stationary bike or the sidewalk if I want to exercise.

My daughter has plenty of clothes. If she wants new ones, she will have to wait until she outgrows her old ones. My son has a perfectly nice bike. He will have to wait until he outgrows that too.

It's not about saying "no" to teach them a lesson. It's about not being wasteful - not buying something I don't need, just because I can.

 

[golfgal]

I don't give into wants very often. Lately my DS13 has wanted me to take him to KMart to see if they have this particular PS2 game. I told him I would be HAPPY to take him when he has done the things I have asked of him like turning in his homework on time and cleaning up after himself, really big things . So far, no trip to KMart.

I had a friend that could NEVER say no to her kids. One example, I was visiting and we were on their front porch chatting. Her then 13 year old son came up yelling "mom, mom, mom you have to play catch with me, now, mom, mom, mom, come on, now lets go, mom, now....". Of course she popped right up and started playing catch with him. Her other son (7 at the time) threw the biggest temper tantrum I have ever seen in my life during his sister's First Communion party because HE wanted to sit in the middle. Instead of putting the boy in his room for being a total BRAT, he got to sit in the middle and the poor First Communion girl ended up sitting at a different table. I don't go over there anymore because I just can't stand being around her kids. This is the kind of giving in that really harms your kids.

 

[Marseeya]

Golfgal, Yup! I have friends like that too! I had this one friend who would let her kids sit and join in on adult conversations and it would be SOOO annoying to be talking world politics with a child. It's not that I don't want to discuss those things with a kid, but not during adult time. My kids knew all about "adult time" and were perfectly fine with that.

I try to accomodate my kids when I can, but it's pretty random. I certainly don't say no just to say no. If there's something either of them want, I try to make it happen for them, even if it means making them wait til Christmas or birthdays. If they want to do something, I try to make it happen. They don't go overboard with requests. DS (yes, the one who's in trouble) just asked me for something for the first time since January. He wants a bookcase for his room. I think I can gladly accomodate that.

DD, on the other hand, asks for everything she sees, but she takes it very well when I have to tell her no. She's my easy kid.

 

[paigevz]

I like to say yes if it's safe and needed and we have the means, with only occasional wants. That's why I go overboard on holidays, and drive my dh crazy........it's the one time I can indulge their silliest whims and feel fine about it, because it really isn't me.........it's Santa or that bunny doing it!

I do keep limits on "age appropriate" to my mind........but not physical age, more emotional age. My son has never been alone anywhere other than others' houses, the neighborhood and so on. He's never gone to the mall, an amusement park or a gameroom alone yet. I'm a bit paranoid about that.........

He does get indulged a bit on shoes and clothes.............though just in style, not in name.........I do refuse to pay extra for a certain brand. My mother will get them for him for back to school though. He also does get to choose favorite foods in the grocery store and we occasionally let him choose the restaurant if we go out (usually just when we're in the mood for steak, as he almost always chooses that).

Younger DS is shaping up to be a bit more indulged. Older DS didn't actually know you could buy the toys in the stores until he went to school and other kids told him. He really just thought they were there to play with at that time. Younger ds not only knows, but usually gets one.......if not from me, then babysitter will buy it later just from his description of it. She does seem to let him call the shots a lot, and so we have more trouble with him than we did at the same age with our older (who went to daycare from 17 months).

He does understand the differences in "parenting" style, but I sometimes have to remind him who I am!

There really are a lot of indulged kids around. I see them a lot too. It goes so far as to be dangerous at times. I had a kid come to school a few years ago in 20 degree weather with no coat and short sleeves. When I asked about the coat, her mom said she tried to tell her it was cold out, but she didn't want a coat (the child was 4). Another 4 year old had chronic absences. When I asked about it, her grandmother who was raising her said that they would drive her to school but if she didn't want to come, she wouldn't get out of the car. I told her to pick her up and bring her in. She said, "Well, she'll cry". I told her "Nobody ever died from a few tears." Now, my kids would never get away with that kind of stuff, or with disrespect or misbehavior in general. Not that they won't try, but they certainly won't succeed.

 

[Becky2005]

This morning, she stated to me very clearly... Why didn't everyone bring me a gift for Easter? No one else had gifts for me! My mouth hit the floor! I was shocked, hurt and really regretting the amount of Easter gifts bestowed upon her. Now, I have to undo this somehow as it's obvious she just expects gifts for everything from everyone. I think it's time to rock her world a little bit. Now, I am going to go through her toys and give some to the less fortunate out there. I realized this morning that I was doing her absolutely no favors being so generous. She needs to learn that you can't have it all and most of the time you have to work really hard for what you want. It's going to be a hard lesson for both of us, but it will be a good life lesson.

Ugggh... I never wanted to raise a brat.

I now have to go home and have a long talk about her! Wish me luck!

Are you sure she just wasn't wondering why it wasn't like Christmas when others DO bring you gifts? That was actually my first thought when I read the question. It seemed logical to me - on Christmas family comes over and brings everyone a gift..in a child's mind - OK, how come they don't do that for Easter too? Before you think she has turned into a total brat, maybe think if it was an innocent question first. I wasn't there though and don't know the tone it was asked in...you know your child best.

I just remember once I asked a simple question because I honestly didn't know the answer to it, didn't think much about it but man the way my mom answered it, I thought I had commited a horrible act. I was asking it one way and she was thinking of it as a different way. I kept trying to figure out what happened the more I thought about it, I realized the question could be taken 2 different ways and unfortunately we don't have telepathy in my family.

 

[texasthree]

This is a hard question for me to answer. I only have 1 son and my husband is away on business a lot. We do schedule lots of activities and generally when he requests them. I choose to be a SAHM so I can enjoy these times with my son and play together or go on various outings. Does that make me a bad mother?

He occasionally throws fits and acts up but is quickly sent to a time out or taken home if we are out.

I usually ask him what he wants to do everyday after preschool and we mostly do it. Its usually pretty simple, go to the park, video store, have a friend over. He is only allowed games that are rated E and sometimes not even those are appropriate and he has to pick another. We dont have certain times set for TV or games, somedays we play video games or watch TV and somedays we never turn it on. He eats some junk food after eating meals and I dont make a big fuss about that either. Hes very thin and plays outside tons, an occasional diet soda or piece of gum isnt going to kill him.

I have a very nice child, polite, smart, kind and gets along well with others. He also has about every toy walmart sells and he has play groups or outings several days a week. Maybe its a little more about each childs own personality than how many times we can say "yes" or "no" in a days time?

 

[shortbun]

Learning to deal with disappointment is an important part of being a child. My son gets loads of nice and fun experiences but loss and disappointment are also part of his life. He sees his parents do without too. I think parents who take care of every wish are doing their children an injustice. Success must be earned to be appreciated. It's one of the hardest things about parenting.

 

[disykat]

I actually do say no just for the sake of saying no quite often.

One example is my kids wanting to go to the store. One of them will say "can we go to Target?" I may have nothing better to do, but I don't want them to get the impression I am at their command or that their every whim is my priority. I want them to experience delayed gratification. So instead of jumping up and taking them, I'll ask them what they want/need, and then if it seems reasonable, tell them "you'll have to remember to bring your money the next time we go to Target - I have a trip planned later this week."

My kids get told no a lot! We're pretty strict in general AND we go out of our way - yes, we actually make a point of not granting their every whim.

My kids definately get a chance to choose activites, meals, etc. - that's part of being a family. What they don't get to do is have their every wish granted.

 

[va32h]

We had a similar discussion in the "overindulged child" thread. It's not just what you do or don't do for your kids, but how they ask, and the context.

If my son asks if he can have a popsicle, I'll say yes. If we are out of popsicles, I will not drop whatever I am doing to run to the store and fetch him one.

My kids hate to come with me when I run errands. I am sympathetic to that, because it's no fun getting in and out of the carseats. So when I can, I save my errands for a day when they are with their dad or I have someone who can watch them. But sometimes they just have to come with me. They may not "want" to go to the DMV, but too bad. I'm not going to drive around on expired license plates because they want to stay home and play.

My son is in kindergarten, and you can see right away the kids who are used to getting their way all the time. They have a fit because they aren't line leader every day. They pout when they can't sit where they want. The classroom used to have a big wooden castle in the "imagination corner". The kids loved to play there during free time. The castle was broken by a child who threw a tantrum when asked to move to a different play center.

If you never say no to your child, how are they going to learn how to take no for an answer? Because sooner or later, they are going to have to go out into a world in which they are not especially precious, not the center of the universe, not the only child, not the only person whose opinion matters.

When the wants of one person are in direct conflict with the wants of another, someone is going to be on the losing end. This is life. This is a lesson kids need to learn. It's a disservice not to teach it to them.

 

[RNLUVSDISNEY]

My kids don't get everything they want either. You know, life just isn't fair. Come on, I don't get everything I want, why should they???? There are just so many reasons not to get everything. --Makes you want more--mom and dad aren't made of $$$--need to learn to work for things---some things are just plain bad for you---anticipation is fun.

 

[lw49033]

I actually do say no just for the sake of saying no quite often.

One example is my kids wanting to go to the store. One of them will say "can we go to Target?" I may have nothing better to do, but I don't want them to get the impression I am at their command or that their every whim is my priority. I want them to experience delayed gratification. So instead of jumping up and taking them, I'll ask them what they want/need, and then if it seems reasonable, tell them "you'll have to remember to bring your money the next time we go to Target - I have a trip planned later this week."

ITA. We are the same way. Here, privileges like tv time and staying up a little later are at a premium. Sometimes they'll get their way, but we never ever let them think they're entitled to those things.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Being a parent is teaching your child the good and bad of life. If they get everything they want, when they get to the 'real world' and have to report to a boss they will not understand why the boss will not let them do what they want and they will be fired and blame it on everyone else. In my opionion, it is a form of child abuse to let the child rule the house at an early age. they are not giving the child the ability to survive and live in the real world which is what parenting is all about.

I agree. Any Harry Potter fans here? Somewhere in the 5th or 6th book Dumbledoor makes a comment to Harry's Aunt and Uncle that he told them to treat him as if he was their child. They completly spoild there own child and gave Harry nothing. Dumbledoor comments that at least they did not do the mis justice to Harry that they did to their own child. His aunt and uncle were stunded that anyone would their there precious fat child was in some way abused. But everyone can see he was.

Giving your child the "gift" of never hearing no, isn't a gift but a curse.

 

[lw49033]

Yes, that was in the beginning of the 6th book, I think it was Chapter 3. It's very thought-provoking--what really is child abuse and what isn't, you know?