How long before introducing new partner to children?

[wvjules]

I totally get what you are saying. It's just for me it isn't worth the risk.

I also believe that you know what is best for you and for your kids just like I do for me and my kids.

I'm unclear on what isn't worth the risk? What's the risk?

 

[bas71873]

My kids have men in their lives besides my husband. But my radar is always on and I don't like them tO be alone with them. It's just not necessary. That is much harder to avoid if someone is spending a lot of time in your home.

So do you not allow your children to go to their friends houses if only the dad is around and mom's not home? Why? Is the mom more trustworthy than dad? Thankfully I have a nice circle of friends and it's not uncommon for the kids to gather and play and it only be dad home to supervise (and these are girls ages 8 to 11), including my own husband. Heck, my DH probably supervises the kids way better than I do most of the time. Why does it have to be me, the mom, the woman, to supervise playdates?

Now, if DD is going to friend's house of someone I don't know well, say a classmate, then I make it a point to have a meet & greet and DD has my number and knows to call me in a heartbeat if she needs me for anything. There are just as many unsavory ladies out there these days as there are men...unfortunately.

 

[bethy]

I'm unclear on what isn't worth the risk? What's the risk?

For ME, the simplest way to put it is that no man could have enough skin in the game for me to trust them implicitly with my children day in and day out in my home and every day life. Personally for me I am not referring to a more casual relationship consisting of bowling dates and ball games on the weekends.

By skin in the game I personally mean having interacted with and been responsible for my kids every day of their lives, interacted with them, loved on them, provided for them, sacrificed for them and put them first before himself. Every single day for years. And loved me, their mother every day for many years before that (10). No man would have had that history. And that's the only kind of man I personally want involved in my kids' home lives and helping raise them. Other relationships - like coaches, uncles, teachers - those have tangible value yet are different and not nearly as intimate. My kids would not be as vulnerable in those relationships as they would be every day in their own home.

And if a man who was a part of my daily life didn't have enough skin in the game then he doesn't have enough to lose, in my opinion if he makes choices that affect my kids negatively.

To answer your question specifically, by risks I refer to all the emotional ones listed in this thread - those of heartbreak and abandonment. But also just the emotional risk every day of interacting with and possibly even being parented by someone who has not been invested enough in my kids to be trusted to keep their best interests at heart no matter what. I don't know about everyone else, but being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. It takes EVERYTHING I've got - and much more - to be the best parent I can be every day. I always joke that it's a good thing they are so cute and that I love them so much - because that's my motivation to make the best choices possible day after day after day. That's my skin in the game. I'm human and my love and devotion to them keeps me in check.

And yes to a lessor extent I do consider any physical risks involved of my kids regularly sleeping under the same roof as a man who is not their father. I am on alert every time we have houseguests no matter who they are. If I have time I will look up links later but have always been under the impression that statistically males are far more likely to molest children than women are. I also would never hire a male babysitter for this reason - just not worth the risk for ME. I get to choose who they spend time with at this time in their lives and am the only one who needs to understand my choices.

As for my extra caution with men I have actually never mentioned it to my kids other than making a point to my oldest DD that I need to meet the BOTH the moms and dads of any of her friends - maybe not for an hour or two of hanging out after school but any time she starts hanging out at someone's house often. I don't worry too much about occasional sleepovers with families whom we know and socialize with. But my radar would ping if she spent a lot of time at one house - especially for sleepovers and it was mostly just the dad there supervising. Not OK for me. The older my kids get the less I will worry. Honestly my views on this are not unusual in our community. Parents make it a point to know each other, even though there is no guarantee there.

About step parents I know there are many, MANY wonderful ones out there - hopefully even the vast majority are. Yes I know there are some terrible bio parents out there, unfortunately, but I am not one of them and neither is my DH. The final risk for me is just upheaval and chaos. Honestly I don't have it in me to add more complications to my life. To add my partner's children and manage my relationships with them and also the relationships between all the kids AND the mother of my partner's kids. I wouldn't do well with all the complexities. I know my vast limitations. I'd wait for another season in my life to possibly seek out a new partner.

Again, this is easy to say when I'm not in the situation. However, given my kids' ages if anything were heaven forbid to happen to my DH now, then it's not like I'd have to wait 20 years before I could seriously date again. It's just a season for me.

I get that many other adults would choose differently for their families and that it would be for the best.

 

[TinkerBelled]

You weren't responding to me, but I'll expand on my comment about how a single parent needs to put their child first.

It is my opinion (and only that) that my number one job right now is to be a good wife to my husband. Just slightly below that is my job to be a good mother to my child. Those two things go hand-in-hand, though. Part of being a good mother is loving my daughter's father. Part of being a good wife is loving my husband's daughter. Through my relationship with my husband, my daughter will see how a man should treat a woman and what a loving relationship should look like. Jointly, my husband and I raise our daughter to be strong and independent. If something were to happen and my husband were to no longer be in the picture, it is a disruption to my daughter's life, to say the least. She is used to having my husband there everyday having dinner with us, taking her to the park, going swimming together, and all sorts of other family activities. If he was no longer there, that is a huge adjustment for her and as her mother, it is my responsibility to try and keep her life as stable as possible. For me, that means not going out and trying to find a new man for me and hoping that he gets along with her, will be able to fit into her life, and won't end up breaking up with us and further disrupting her life. This is very different from going out with my husband and leaving my daughter with a relative or family friend. Her father is in her life and in mine. He is not going anywhere. You have no such commitment (and should not expect to) from a man you are just dating.

I find this really interesting. Can I ask a question that springs from genuine curiosity and not judgement?

If, God forbid, your husband were no longer in your life and you did find a man who you loved and who worked well with your life, do you think you could get remarried? And if you did get remarried, would being a good wife to your new husband be your number one priority again, or would your daughter remain your top priority?

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I find this really interesting. Can I ask a question that springs from genuine curiosity and not judgement?

If, God forbid, your husband were no longer in your life and you did find a man who you loved and who worked well with your life, do you think you could get remarried? And if you did get remarried, would being a good wife to your new husband be your number one priority again, or would your daughter remain your top priority?

Feel free to ask away. Personally, I can't really see myself getting into a situation without another man where I was close enough to him to see myself marrying him. I wouldn't want to put myself into that sort of situation because I wouldn't want to have to face that sort of decision. Now, once my daughter is an adult and out of the house (in other words, an adult), that is the only situation in which I would considering letting myself get that close to a man. If that were to occur and he and I were to marry, he would become my number one priority (this stems from religious beliefs that I really can't get into here but I can PM you if you want) but again, it is just slightly above my priority to be a mother to my daughter who, again, would be grown.

 

[TinkerBelled]

Feel free to ask away. Personally, I can't really see myself getting into a situation without another man where I was close enough to him to see myself marrying him. I wouldn't want to put myself into that sort of situation because I wouldn't want to have to face that sort of decision. Now, once my daughter is an adult and out of the house (in other words, an adult), that is the only situation in which I would considering letting myself get that close to a man. If that were to occur and he and I were to marry, he would become my number one priority (this stems from religious beliefs that I really can't get into here but I can PM you if you want) but again, it is just slightly above my priority to be a mother to my daughter who, again, would be grown.

That's very interesting--thanks for responding so honestly. (I think I understand your beliefs, at least roughly, but thanks also for offering the PM.)

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

That's very interesting--thanks for responding so honestly. (I think I understand your beliefs, at least roughly, but thanks also for offering the PM.)

You're welcome. If you have any more questions, let me know.

 

[cassandrap83]

Thank you for all of the replies. Definitely some food for thought. Personally, I've been seeing my new significant other for over a year now, and he still hasn't been introduced as my boyfriend to my kids. I'm not sure when that time will come, but I'm starting to feel like it should be soon.

 

[Robbi]

Our first date was taking my son to our small town Mardi Gras parade. It was tons of fun.
I had already explained to him( future husband) that I had a son who was my main priority and that I had a cordial relationship with his father. It made it easier for my son. If he had a problem with that, then we may as well not go on a date because there would be no relationship. He was fine with it. After a bit my ex and new boyfriend became friendly too. That was 33 years ago and we all lived happily ever after. The End

 

[littleteapot]

Kids should never have their emotions put on the line. Do not drag them into your romance!

When the couple has decided to marry, they should then (and only then) start hanging out with the kids - around the house, on outings, et cetera.

I always feel so badly for children who are hurt by their mom's break-up.

Don't use your boyfriend as a sitter. Don't make him part of the family. Don't let the kids get attached to him in ANY way at all. Not even if you like the idea of all of you together and want to see how he does with your kids. It's mean and cruel.

You date him. Not your kids.

Teens are different. They understand dating. But teens shouldn't be allowed to get attached, either.

I wish my mother had been given this wonderful advice. No need involve the children until marriage is likely. It is just too confusing and painful.

 

[wvjules]

I wish my mother had been given this wonderful advice. No need involve the children until marriage is likely. It is just too confusing and painful.

"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

Gosh, I sure hope they like each other and get along or else that's gonna be a sticky situation.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, when DD was little she never met anyone I was dating. She met my current DBF pretty early on though, after a few months I believe. That was almost 5 years ago and we're still together. I can't imagine dating someone for that long and not letting him and my child interact.

OP, I think that after a year it's ok to introduce him to the kids. It will be nice to do things together instead of having 2 seperate lives indefinately.

 

[njmom47]

I do agree that parading a different man (or woman) in front of the kids frequently is NOT a good idea!

I did date after my divorce but my dkids only met 2 of the guys I dated (we all went to Sesame Place with one) and the other one, I married. My dds were very young (34 months and 18 months old) and so he is basically the only dad they've ever known.
Thankfully ex is out of the picture completely, and always has been.

To answer, I really feel it depends on the circumstances.

 

[luvmy3]

"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

After reading some of the replies here, that is exactly what I was thinking. How can that be better than allowing your child to develop a relationship with someone who you are dating.
Maybe I give my kids too much credit to be able to understand things, and I guess I give men in general too much credit since I don't assume they are all pedophiles

 

[Hillbeans]

Thank you for all of the replies. Definitely some food for thought. Personally, I've been seeing my new significant other for over a year now, and he still hasn't been introduced as my boyfriend to my kids. I'm not sure when that time will come, but I'm starting to feel like it should be soon.

I haven't posted much if anything about my divorce in late 2011, however, I started seeing someone last May 2012. Late summer we became exclusive and in October he met my dad and brother's family. Just a few weeks ago he met my boys, we went snow tubing. We agreed our relationship was serious and it was time. I also wanted my boyfriend to see this other side of my life as a mom he had not been exposed to.

 

[RadioNate]

"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

Gosh, I sure hope they like each other and get along or else that's gonna be a sticky situation.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, when DD was little she never met anyone I was dating. She met my current DBF pretty early on though, after a few months I believe. That was almost 5 years ago and we're still together. I can't imagine dating someone for that long and not letting him and my child interact.

OP, I think that after a year it's ok to introduce him to the kids. It will be nice to do things together instead of having 2 seperate lives indefinately.

STILL blows my mind.

After reading some of the replies here, that is exactly what I was thinking. How can that be better than allowing your child to develop a relationship with someone who you are dating.
Maybe I give my kids too much credit to be able to understand things, and I guess I give men in general too much credit since I don't assume they are all pedophiles

I haven't posted much if anything about my divorce in late 2011, however, I started seeing someone last May 2012. Late summer we became exclusive and in October he met my dad and brother's family. Just a few weeks ago he met my boys, we went snow tubing. We agreed our relationship was serious and it was time. I also wanted my boyfriend to see this other side of my life as a mom he had not been exposed to.

I just wanted to say that I'm very happy for you.

 

[littleteapot]

"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

Gosh, I sure hope they like each other and get along or else that's gonna be a sticky situation.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, when DD was little she never met anyone I was dating. She met my current DBF pretty early on though, after a few months I believe. That was almost 5 years ago and we're still together. I can't imagine dating someone for that long and not letting him and my child interact.

OP, I think that after a year it's ok to introduce him to the kids. It will be nice to do things together instead of having 2 seperate lives indefinately.

Seriously? I didn't say they had get married the day after he meets the kids. It just has to be a serious marriage minded relationship, NOT new guys in and out every few months.

 

[bethy]

"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

Gosh, I sure hope they like each other and get along or else that's gonna be a sticky situation.

Well I can only speak for myself but if, after they met, the kids and the fiancé didn't get along and develop a fabulous relationship over a nice long period of time and WELL before the fiance moved into our home then the marriage would be called off.

 

[mariolatry]

I'm still dumbfounded by this thread. Don't ever have another romantic relationship because that might give people access to your kids?? Huh?


And to think a single woman (or man but since mothers usually have primary custody) should 100% put her life on hold and focus ONLY on her children is .... sad. I should be a spinster or wait another 13 years till my last child is out of the house to date or be involved with anyone? Because my ex decided that he wanted a girlfriend and I had the guts to leave? Frankly, I'm slightly insulted by the thought. As if being a single parent wasn't hard enough.

My parents split when I was 3 (my siblings were 5, 16, and 17). My parents were both 36 at the time of divorce, and they'd been married for 17 years.My father was a hard-drinker who wasn't much of a husband. I only have one memory of them being married.

After the split, my dad cleaned up and became Mr. Eligible Bachelor. I hated it. Every single mother, every store clerk, every mother in the neighborhood batting eyes at him. He had lots of 2-3 date girlfriends, lots of 3-4 month girlfriends, and two 10 year+ committed girlfriends. I was a kid and I hated it. I was more embarassed of him bathing in Old Spice cologne than I was invested in his happiness. Plus, one of his common-law "wives" had her own children and hated us and made our lives miserable every time my father was gone.

My mother, single at the age of 37, never dated even once after that. I was always so grateful for that. Will all of the chaos around me, siblings changing homes, moving, changing schools......I was so grateful that she was my rock. She had a very full life; tons of friends, volunteer work, world-wide travel, two post-graduate degrees, and an incredible career. On top of it all, she and I have a wonderfully deep relationship.

I hope that if something (God forbid) ever happens to my husband, I'll be strong enough to stay single. I want to be a rock of constancy for my kids. Again, just my opinion, and I know about how much people care about opinions around here.....

 

[themilesfamily]

For me personally, if my DH and I were to divorce now, (or if he were to pass away), I would focus on raising my DD and my career, and save dating for a later season of life.

DH and I talked about this once. We both promised that if something happened to the other, we'd wait until DD was 18 to start looking for another partner. We both felt strongly about that.

That just us, though!

 

[wvjules]

My parents split when I was 3 (my siblings were 5, 16, and 17). My parents were both 36 at the time of divorce, and they'd been married for 17 years.My father was a hard-drinker who wasn't much of a husband. I only have one memory of them being married.

After the split, my dad cleaned up and became Mr. Eligible Bachelor. I hated it. Every single mother, every store clerk, every mother in the neighborhood batting eyes at him. He had lots of 2-3 date girlfriends, lots of 3-4 month girlfriends, and two 10 year+ committed girlfriends. I was a kid and I hated it. I was more embarassed of him bathing in Old Spice cologne than I was invested in his happiness. Plus, one of his common-law "wives" had her own children and hated us and made our lives miserable every time my father was gone.

My mother, single at the age of 37, never dated even once after that. I was always so grateful for that. Will all of the chaos around me, siblings changing homes, moving, changing schools......I was so grateful that she was my rock. She had a very full life; tons of friends, volunteer work, world-wide travel, two post-graduate degrees, and an incredible career. On top of it all, she and I have a wonderfully deep relationship.

I hope that if something (God forbid) ever happens to my husband, I'll be strong enough to stay single. I want to be a rock of constancy for my kids. Again, just my opinion, and I know about how much people care about opinions around here.....

You do realize there is a middle ground between the two situations? There shouldn't be a revolving door of girl/boyfriends, however, I don't see anything wrong with introducing kids to a stable, long-time partner.