How long before introducing new partner to children?

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I have to agree with Kali here. Dating as a single parent is very tricky. Dating is never drama-free and anyone who says differently is selling something. Kids do not deserve to be thrust into that drama. They have already had their lives disrupted by the divorce. They are working to put things back together and get a sense of normalcy. Disrupting that by introducing them to a boyfriend, letting them get attached, and then the relationship not working out is never a good thing. Your primary responsibility should be to your children, in my opinion, and not to finding a mate. As such, your priorities need to be making sure that they are the most comfortable, the least disturbed, and in a position least likely to disrupt their lives further. Make sure that your relationship is permanent before bringing your children into it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Man that is a hard question...

I don't think there is a blanket answer here. I would use time and patience and let my kids guide me a bit.

I have plenty of examples in real life here and let me tell you some of them are scary. Young mothers living with baby daddy's.

If I had YOUNG children, like 12 and under, I would probably not be introducing anyone to them unless it was serious. That is just my personal thing.

 

[luvmy3]

I think it really depends on many things. I definitely don't feel that children should be kept from developing a relationship with a parents SO though.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

I have to agree with Kali here. Dating as a single parent is very tricky. Dating is never drama-free and anyone who says differently is selling something. Kids do not deserve to be thrust into that drama. They have already had their lives disrupted by the divorce. They are working to put things back together and get a sense of normalcy. Disrupting that by introducing them to a boyfriend, letting them get attached, and then the relationship not working out is never a good thing. Your primary responsibility should be to your children, in my opinion, and not to finding a mate. As such, your priorities need to be making sure that they are the most comfortable, the least disturbed, and in a position least likely to disrupt their lives further. Make sure that your relationship is permanent before bringing your children into it.

This makes total sense.

 

[bethy]

Your primary responsibility should be to your children, in my opinion, and not to finding a mate.

This is my view, too. I cannot relate to the notion that finding a mate or an SO or falling in love or whatever is something that just happens to you. We have the gift of free will.

If I were a single parent and I made the CHOICE to involve myself romantically with someone and then made the CHOICE to give that person access to my children then I hope I would at a minimum take ownership for that choice and any potential fallout from it.

I am not specifically calling out anyone in this thread or on this board. I am referencing people in my own life.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I was a single mom for 10 years. My boys were babies when I left my ex. I dated lots over those 10 years, and my boys met the serious ones only. If the man I was dating was going to become an actual boyfriend, and not a "date", then they would meet my kids. If my kids didn't like the guy, or the guy didn't like the kids, the guy was toast. There was no way I was going to wait until I got married (which I had no plan on doing ever again ). So in total my boys met and hung out with four guys that I dated.

I will say that the first guy I dated, kinda pushed it and really wanted to meet the kids and do family things (boys were in nursery school then while I was in college). This guy really wanted a family, in the long run he kinda pushed too hard and really creeped me out. LOL..I don't even think my boys remember him.

My boys really had no issues when I broke up with a guy. They were more worried that I was upset when one relationship ended. I kinda hoped that would train them how to treat a women...lol.

 

[wvjules]

I know I can't say for sure unless I were in this situation. But I am fairly certain that I wouldn't even go there in the first place. That is, I would not introduce anyone into my children's lives as long as they were minors and lived with me at home. I couldn't let a man who was not their father have that kind of access to them.

I was probably a nun in another life.

Yes, because all men are pedofiles and perverts.

 

[wvjules]

This is my view, too. I cannot relate to the notion that finding a mate or an SO or falling in love or whatever is something that just happens to you. We have the gift of free will.

If I were a single parent and I made the CHOICE to involve myself romantically with someone and then made the CHOICE to give that person access to my children then I hope I would at a minimum take ownership for that choice and any potential fallout from it.

I am not specifically calling out anyone in this thread or on this board. I am referencing people in my own life.

I don't understand this. The parent's job is to ONLY be a parent if they are single? Shouldn't that standard apply to married parents as well? No date nights? No time alone with the spouse? Totally dedicated to childrearing and nothing else? Sounds like an awesome life.

And what do you mean by fallout by giving someone access to your children?

 

[BlovesC]

This thread is an interesting read to me. My SIL recently went to meet a man she met on FB (they both shared a mutual friend) for the first time, and she spent the weekend with him. She brought her 8 year old son with her. DH and I couldn't believe it when she told us what she was doing, and tried to persuade her to at least leave her son out of it just yet, but she insisted that before she 'wastes time' on a man she has to make sure they get along with her son, and vice versa. I don't have kids and can't really put myself in her situation, so I never pressed the issue more. So I appreciate reading the viewpoints in this thread.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I don't understand this. The parent's job is to ONLY be a parent if they are single? Shouldn't that standard apply to married parents as well? No date nights? No time alone with the spouse? Totally dedicated to childrearing and nothing else? Sounds like an awesome life.

And what do you mean by fallout by giving someone access to your children?

You weren't responding to me, but I'll expand on my comment about how a single parent needs to put their child first.

It is my opinion (and only that) that my number one job right now is to be a good wife to my husband. Just slightly below that is my job to be a good mother to my child. Those two things go hand-in-hand, though. Part of being a good mother is loving my daughter's father. Part of being a good wife is loving my husband's daughter. Through my relationship with my husband, my daughter will see how a man should treat a woman and what a loving relationship should look like. Jointly, my husband and I raise our daughter to be strong and independent. If something were to happen and my husband were to no longer be in the picture, it is a disruption to my daughter's life, to say the least. She is used to having my husband there everyday having dinner with us, taking her to the park, going swimming together, and all sorts of other family activities. If he was no longer there, that is a huge adjustment for her and as her mother, it is my responsibility to try and keep her life as stable as possible. For me, that means not going out and trying to find a new man for me and hoping that he gets along with her, will be able to fit into her life, and won't end up breaking up with us and further disrupting her life. This is very different from going out with my husband and leaving my daughter with a relative or family friend. Her father is in her life and in mine. He is not going anywhere. You have no such commitment (and should not expect to) from a man you are just dating.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd wait a while before I exposed my kid to a boyfriend/girlfirend.I'd feel the need to get to know the person fairly well first so I could be sure I could trust them around my child.

 

[RadioNate]

I'm still dumbfounded by this thread. Don't ever have another romantic relationship because that might give people access to your kids?? Huh?

Can't you say this about ANY relationship? Do your kids not meet ANYONE you know. I have friends, platonic, male and female should NONE of those people meet my kids because they may not be in my life forever? That makes ZERO sense.

My ex-husband's best friend got divorced, his wife and my son were super close. She left their marriage. My son hasn't seen her since the day she left. I haven't either. Should she not have been part of our lives? We've moved a lot. People come and go. No one has been heartbroken.

I have said I haven't introduced any "dates" because, for the most part, since my divorce I've only dated people. No one has been serious enough that I feel like they need to know my kids. They haven't met my parents either.

No one is talking about playing house. They are talking about going to lunch or a ball game or something.

Do I think you should be moving "boyfriends" in and out all the time. Of course not. But I think kids can meet people w/out getting heartbroken.

And to think a single woman (or man but since mothers usually have primary custody) should 100% put her life on hold and focus ONLY on her children is .... sad. I should be a spinster or wait another 13 years till my last child is out of the house to date or be involved with anyone? Because my ex decided that he wanted a girlfriend and I had the guts to leave? Frankly, I'm slightly insulted by the thought. As if being a single parent wasn't hard enough.

 

[Shmily1]

Unlike some on here, I don't think this is only about what the mom does. I think the rules apply to a dad too. I also can't believe some would expect a person to not date until their child was grown or be without companionship that long. Only the parent knows what timing is best for the relationship and the children. I do know of those that have had almost every date acting like another parent scared, but for the most part, parents are in tune with their children enough to know what is best.

 

[bethy]

I am out and about and can't reply very fully at this time. But I respect other parents' rights to parent in a way they feel is best. For ME I'm pretty sure the hassle and risks would not be remotely worth it. I just do not think I could handle the blended family thing well. Too much effort, drama and risk involved. By risks I mean all risks: physical and emotional as described in his thread.

Personally I feel a romantic relationship Is hugely different from a platonic one. But yes I am cautious about any adult I allow to have a relationship with my kids. Especially men. That's my choice. My kids have men in their lives besides my husband. But my radar is always on and I don't like them tO be alone with them. It's just not necessary. That is much harder to avoid if someone is spending a lot of time in your home.

In a nutshell, a man could never love my children the way their father does. There might be some exceptions out there but for me the risk of finding one of those people wouldnt be worth it. I could wait for a later season in life.

 

[RadioNate]

I am out and about and can't reply very fully at this time. But I respect other parents' rights to parent in a way they feel is best. For ME I'm pretty sure the hassle and risks would not be remotely worth it. I just do not think I could handle the blended family thing well. Too much effort, drama and risk involved. By risks I mean all risks: physical and emotional as described in his thread.

Personally I feel a romantic relationship Is hugely different from a platonic one. But yes I am cautious about any adult I allow to have a relationship with my kids. Especially men. That's my choice. My kids have men in their lives besides my husband. But my radar is always on and I don't like them tO be alone with them. It's just not necessary. That is much harder to avoid if someone is spending a lot of time in your home.

In a nutshell, a man could never love my children the way their father does. There might be some exceptions out there but for me the risk of finding one of those people wouldnt be worth it. I could wait for a later season in life.

Who called it? The whole men are pedophiles and perverts thing...except fathers. Because no father has ever acted inappropriate with their child.

And I know several step-fathers who loved and did a better job as "fathers" then the biological father did.

 

[bethy]

Who called it? The whole men are pedophiles and perverts thing...except fathers. Because no father has ever acted inappropriate with their child.

And I know several step-fathers who loved and did a better job as "fathers" then the biological father did.

I totally get what you are saying. It's just for me it isn't worth the risk.

I also believe that you know what is best for you and for your kids just like I do for me and my kids.

 

[TheAviator]

Interesting thread for me being that I'm going through this very thing. I agree you should hold out a looooooong time until you absolutely know you are going to be with the person permanently. I have a kinda sorta new GF I've been seeing for about 6 months now and still have not allowed her around my baby. I don't want to confuse her. My ex has a new BF that I got major bad reports on in the beginning so I had to go off on her (when I caught her after she said she wouldn't) having this guy around her. (He even had a history of meth addiction, supposedly reformed )

Score another point for Facebook because without it, I would not have known she was letting her around this guy. (The guy had posted pictures on FB of them over at his house). So I go off, and threatened to take her to court to get custody. (We have never fought about this issue at all until this.) I told her if she chose to date a decent guy that didn't have a history of being a meth head I would be a little more sympathetic, but under the circumstances I put my foot down about it. And it has worked after I went off on her about it.

 

[Shmily1]

I am out and about and can't reply very fully at this time. But I respect other parents' rights to parent in a way they feel is best. For ME I'm pretty sure the hassle and risks would not be remotely worth it. I just do not think I could handle the blended family thing well. Too much effort, drama and risk involved. By risks I mean all risks: physical and emotional as described in his thread.

Personally I feel a romantic relationship Is hugely different from a platonic one. But yes I am cautious about any adult I allow to have a relationship with my kids. Especially men. That's my choice. My kids have men in their lives besides my husband. But my radar is always on and I don't like them tO be alone with them. It's just not necessary. That is much harder to avoid if someone is spending a lot of time in your home.

In a nutshell, a man could never love my children the way their father does. There might be some exceptions out there but for me the risk of finding one of those people wouldnt be worth it. I could wait for a later season in life.

As you have stated, this is about the relationship with your children and their father, but it doesn't work that way for every family. There are many families where the bio-parent is just that. He has no desire or business taking care of the children. In many cases, the step parent loves the children as much if not more than the bio-parent. The children respect the step parent more than the bio-parent in these cases also.

Just for the record, not every male out there is a pedophile. That's quite a sexist remark.

 

[RadioNate]

Interesting thread for me being that I'm going through this very thing. I agree you should hold out a looooooong time until you absolutely know you are going to be with the person permanently. I have a kinda sorta new GF I've been seeing for about 6 months now and still have not allowed her around my baby. I don't want to confuse her. My ex has a new BF that I got major bad reports on in the beginning so I had to go off on her (when I caught her after she said she wouldn't) having this guy around her. (He even had a history of meth addiction, supposedly reformed )

Score another point for Facebook because without it, I would not have known she was letting her around this guy. (The guy had posted pictures on FB of them over at his house). So I go off, and threatened to take her to court to get custody. (We have never fought about this issue at all until this.) I told her if she chose to date a decent guy that didn't have a history of being a meth head I would be a little more sympathetic, but under the circumstances I put my foot down about it. And it has worked after I went off on her about it.

I don't even understand how you can make a decision about having someone in your life permanently until you know how they feel about your kids and more importantly how your kids feel about them. And nothing is guaranteed to be permanent. I thought my marriage was permanent. I wouldn't have had kids at all if, at the time, I didn't think that there family would be intact forever. But that didn't happen. Things happen.

As a child, who's parents were divorced. I can't imagine having being told that one of my parents were going to MARRY someone that I hadn't even met. That my feelings on the matter were so inconsequential that I couldn't even be introduced to the person before a life changing decision was made.

As you have stated, this is about the relationship with your children and their father, but it doesn't work that way for every family. There are many families where the bio-parent is just that. He has no desire or business taking care of the children. In many cases, the step parent loves the children as much if not more than the bio-parent. The children respect the step parent more than the bio-parent in these cases also.

Just for the record, not every male out there is a pedophile. That's quite a sexist remark.

And for the record. I TOTALLY agree. But that is the vibe I was getting. OF COURSE not all men are pedophiles and I find it really sad that people seem to think there is some extreme risk present with having males in their children's lives. That they have to be "on guard" when anyone but their child's father has access to their children. I don't understand instilling that fear into your kids.

 

[TheAviator]

I think to each their own on this, but for me, my ex has already said she doesn't want to get married so that's not really at issue with me.