How fast it all changed.

[MamaBelle4]

I continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. And I continue to admire you and the way you are managing.

As Pp said, just keep swimming.

 

[JenLovesMM]

Hi Rodeo, I have been silently following along. Like others have mentioned, all through your story I admired your strength and you are in my thoughts daily. I can only hope to show strength like you have if ever faced with a similar situation. In your last post you mentioned the possibility of going to PEI this summer. I am a fellow canadian and I live on the East Coast. Every summer we spend one week on PEI and it is my favorite week of the year. There is just something special and peaceful about that province that gets me every time. Since we live fairly close to PEI, we drive and cross the bridge and once we reach the Island, every year I feel like it`s my happy place, stress just seems to disappear when you see that red earth, the huge farming fields, those beautiful beaches... I just wanted to share that with you, it`s a great place for anyone to visit and I`m thinking it really would be great for you. Where else can you see roadside stands where people sell bags of potatoes or other vegetables and rely on their customers being honest and leaving the payment in those little boxes! There are many places around the world that are beautiful, many of those in Canada, and PEI is really high on that list for me. I will keep following along and keeping you in my thoughts. Take care.

 

[hopemax]

"There will always be dust and piles!"

I recently lost my dad, and I sympathize with your son. It's so painful to have even happy feelings because grief is constantly reminding you that dad can't take part in the progress of your life...

Inside Out, the Pixar movie came out 2 months after I lost my Mom. The whole part of yellow, happy memories, turning blue when Sadness touched them...Oh, my gosh...tears. Buckets of tears. I also had a hard time making simple decisions. It was frustrating to DH, because he didn't know what he should do. I got in the habit of sticking my foot up in the air, like Sadness did to Joy and that was our signal he should just make a decision, don't wait for my input. I'm not sure if I recommend a viewing or not. Lots of tears, but in a way it's good to get them out. Watch it when no one else is around, with a pint of ice cream and have good ugly cry.

Rodeo, for vacuuming! Every victory should be celebrated. {{{hugs}}}

 

[wgeo]

It sounds like you have a pretty great support system of friends and family, maybe even someone who would volunteer to help with housework... When my group of friends started having their first babies and adult life got overwhelming, we'd occasionally organize cleaning parties where we'd group up and attack one person's neglected messy house and hang out while scrubbing the kitchen and shuffling loads of laundry. A little 'whistle while you work' mentality always made it easier to tackle.

Brilliant that's a great idea. Interaction that gets you of your head for awhile, and your house gets cleaned.

I'm glad you're still posting here Rodeo - it's good to have an outlet for your feelings. All of your feelings are normal, also normal that it feels like you need to force yourself to move somedays. Also normal to decide that today might not be that day and instead you sit and look at pictures. You will adapt to a new routine in time.

 

[fhtpdw20]

As we say in our grief group, tears are nothing more than liquid love. Cry when you feel like no matter what is going on around you. Tears are liquid love!

 

[rodeo65]

I've talked to the kids about a grief group. Both are resistant and say they don't want to sit around with strangers and talk about it. I honestly have no idea what happens in a group like that other than what I see in movie versions. I have a couple of resources for that from the hospice and the hospital, so I'll probably arrange to go to one at least to see what it's like.

I honestly feel that the telling and retelling of the story is the therapeutic part. Purging it, processing it, reliving it until I can come to terms with it all. That is what I am doing with my friends. I have told my husband's story over and over in the past couple of weeks - first symptoms, what I can look back on in the month or so before he went to the hospital and now realise what was happening, the speed of decline and the final week in hospice. I talk about the choices I've made in arrangements, his family and how I've dealt with that (most knew of his family relationships.) My closest friends, and there about six or so I'd count as closest are all willing and waiting for a late night call, check in on me daily and want to get together whenever I do. I speak to or see my parents daily and my brother is checking in every few days since he returned home. Maybe someone who has experience with a grief group can give me a little more insight into what actually happens at one. I guess talking to others who are walking the same path, maybe.

So, funny/ironic story from yesterday. I've been getting sympathy cards over the past week or so. Yesterday I picked up the mail and had three. Two from family friends (they are mostly coming from my parents generation) and one from the hospital. Specifically the oncology team. In with the card was a list of resources including the hospice where DH passed. It just struck me funny. He's been gone two weeks and we're receiving a sympathy card acknowledging his passing but also suggesting hospice care. And then there was my discussion with Emily Post's minion...some of the cards have been delivered to my parents' house, their friends who didn't necessarily have my address. She told me yesterday that I am to send a thank you card for the sympathy card. That just seems ridiculous to me. And to my dad. She was quite insistent though. Said she looked it up after her mother died and showed me one they'd received when they sent a card to someone who lost his wife. I said I thought thanking them personally at the Celebration would be good. Dad agreed. Nope. Mom disagrees. I still do not plan to send thank you cards for sympathy cards.

Tonight, DS and I with the help of his coach, will choose the music from DH's playlist to use for his tribute. It will be interesting. No problem to find a song that will fit Jive and Rumba and I think ChaCha will be easy enough also. Samba is definitely going to be a challenge. Coach asked about using a different version by another artist if necessary. I hope not to have to but maybe. And then Paso. I think DS wants to leave that one out. The routines are all tied to the classic Paso Doble song (or one if its variations) and not at all easy to reset to other music. I said maybe fine to leave with the usual music for that one dance. It depends on which is more important to him - dancing to his dad's music or doing the full five dances that DH would have seen in a competition heat.

I think I've decided to go ahead with the butterfly release also. I really like the symbolism and the company I spoke to assured me they do not have issues with diseased butterflies. Of course what else would they say? But I still like the idea.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I've talked to the kids about a grief group. Both are resistant and say they don't want to sit around with strangers and talk about it. I honestly have no idea what happens in a group like that other than what I see in movie versions. I have a couple of resources for that from the hospice and the hospital, so I'll probably arrange to go to one at least to see what it's like.

My wife did this, Rodeo, about 10 years ago when her mom passed away. She thought is was quite helpful.

 

[fhtpdw20]

My grief group is/was in my church and is/was led by a retired pastor. The group would select a book and meet once a month to discuss the chapter. So for me it was not going in cold not knowing anyone. The group was not limited to church and we met in the pastor's home. If you would like to look for the books I used they are "Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over" by John F. Westfall and "You Can Get Bitter or You Can Get Better" by James Moore. There was a third book, but I don't remember the name. I passed it on to a cousin who lost her husband to heart attack. Once a year we just had a fellowship pot luck. One of the gentlemen in our group attends 3 different grief groups. Some of the group lost spouse to cancer, heart attack, chronic disease, and one was a suicide. We laugh together and cry together. We talk of what triggers our "meltdown", how we deal with the firsts, ways we honor memory, what brings us comfort and things like that.

 

[J'aime Paris]

Rodeo, in regards to the thank yous, do what feels right.
I don't think a thank you is warranted for each and every card that has been received.

If a few people did something extra special, and went over and beyond to help you, then maybe yes.

 

[gemini2727]

Rodeo, just my opinion, but when I send sympathy cards, I never expect a thank you. The person I'm sending to has enough to deal with, I would hate to add to their burden.

 

[cassiopia419]

Thanks for continuing to post and let us know how you are doing!

Not sure if you or your kids are readers, but there's a book I found after we lost my dad super suddenly that I found really helpful. It's called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One" by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blaire, PhD. I pulled it out for the first year or so on a regular basis and re-read stuff to remind myself that what I was feeling was normal and that I wasn't losing my mind. It's one that I've bought for a few people over the last eleven years since Dad died. There's probably a Kindle version available by now.

Keeping you and your family in my continued thoughts and prayers!

 

[Snowflakey]

Don't worry about the dust......If it does wear on you then find a house cleaner to come in and do a good clean. Then you won't have to think about it or have it wearing on you. If you can swing this expense it may be something really great to get you through for now.

Yes keep on spending time with family and friends. They want to be with you right now and you need it.

Always thinking of you guys. Thanks again for checking in. We all care for you.

 

[kuhltiffany]

The suggestion for Hospice is likely because they provide bereavement groups and individual counselling. Something to think about, as you may already have a comfort level with the building and staff there...like this: https://kemphospice.org/grief-and-loss-supports

For kids: https://kemphospice.org/camp-erin

 

[rodeo65]

DS has such a sweet coach! At the end of lessons on Friday nights they have "finals" which is a series of run throughs of all the dances in the order they will perform in competition. I gave the coach my playlist on Wednesday night for him to determine which songs best fit. He used mostly songs from DH's playlist for the finals tonight. It was definitely a rocking Friday night!

 

[lifesavacation]

I've talked to the kids about a grief group. Both are resistant and say they don't want to sit around with strangers and talk about it. I honestly have no idea what happens in a group like that other than what I see in movie versions. I have a couple of resources for that from the hospice and the hospital, so I'll probably arrange to go to one at least to see what it's like.

I honestly feel that the telling and retelling of the story is the therapeutic part. Purging it, processing it, reliving it until I can come to terms with it all. That is what I am doing with my friends. I have told my husband's story over and over in the past couple of weeks - first symptoms, what I can look back on in the month or so before he went to the hospital and now realise what was happening, the speed of decline and the final week in hospice. I talk about the choices I've made in arrangements, his family and how I've dealt with that (most knew of his family relationships.) My closest friends, and there about six or so I'd count as closest are all willing and waiting for a late night call, check in on me daily and want to get together whenever I do. I speak to or see my parents daily and my brother is checking in every few days since he returned home. Maybe someone who has experience with a grief group can give me a little more insight into what actually happens at one. I guess talking to others who are walking the same path, maybe.

So, funny/ironic story from yesterday. I've been getting sympathy cards over the past week or so. Yesterday I picked up the mail and had three. Two from family friends (they are mostly coming from my parents generation) and one from the hospital. Specifically the oncology team. In with the card was a list of resources including the hospice where DH passed. It just struck me funny. He's been gone two weeks and we're receiving a sympathy card acknowledging his passing but also suggesting hospice care. And then there was my discussion with Emily Post's minion...some of the cards have been delivered to my parents' house, their friends who didn't necessarily have my address. She told me yesterday that I am to send a thank you card for the sympathy card. That just seems ridiculous to me. And to my dad. She was quite insistent though. Said she looked it up after her mother died and showed me one they'd received when they sent a card to someone who lost his wife. I said I thought thanking them personally at the Celebration would be good. Dad agreed. Nope. Mom disagrees. I still do not plan to send thank you cards for sympathy cards.

Tonight, DS and I with the help of his coach, will choose the music from DH's playlist to use for his tribute. It will be interesting. No problem to find a song that will fit Jive and Rumba and I think ChaCha will be easy enough also. Samba is definitely going to be a challenge. Coach asked about using a different version by another artist if necessary. I hope not to have to but maybe. And then Paso. I think DS wants to leave that one out. The routines are all tied to the classic Paso Doble song (or one if its variations) and not at all easy to reset to other music. I said maybe fine to leave with the usual music for that one dance. It depends on which is more important to him - dancing to his dad's music or doing the full five dances that DH would have seen in a competition heat.

I think I've decided to go ahead with the butterfly release also. I really like the symbolism and the company I spoke to assured me they do not have issues with diseased butterflies. Of course what else would they say? But I still like the idea.

((Hugs))

The kids can go to the meeting and not talk. It may be helpful just to listen.

I’m glad you have close friends who are there for those late night calls. When my brother-in-law passed away, there were times when my SIL would call us at 2am on the floor of her bathroom. We never minded those calls and would sometimes even drive to her house and all sit on her bathroom floor and cry together.

I can’t honestly think that anyone expects a thank you card given the circumstances. You’ve just suffered an enormous loss. Maybe the person who is insistent you write them can do them for you.

 

[DMRick]

Not sure if you or your kids are readers, but there's a book I found after we lost my dad super suddenly that I found really helpful. It's called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One" by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blaire, PhD.

Thank you for this book suggestion. My ex sister in law was dx’d with pancreatic cancer on April 18 and passed April 26th. Funeral was today. I think one of her adult kids could use this book. It was quite a shock, since she wasn’t ill up until that day.
Of course this thread has been on my mind since I’ve been following it from the beginning.

 

[wgeo]

I would never expect to recieve a thank you card in response to a sympathy card.

Maybe, and I'm stretching here, but maybe if someone made a sizable donation in your husband's name to a charity or something you could send a thank you, or maybe if someone had gone out of their way to be extra helpful to you during this time. But seriously even then if I was one of those people I would absolutely not expect to receive a thank you card. A verbal thanks would be more than sufficient.

 

[Disney Doll]

Hi rodeo. It sounds like you and your kids are doing pretty well under the circumstances.

Grief support groups work for some people and don’t work for others. Try it and see if it “feels” right for you. My DH’s sister passed 6 months ago and her husband has found them to be helpful. I’ve known other people who have not. Go easy on yourself. It will take time.

Sympathy cards do not require a thank you note. Things people spent money on generally could use a thank you note, like flowers, donations to a charity, Mass cards (where a person paid to have Masses said in honor of your DH...a Catholic thing), food that people brought. And like a PP said, no one expects a thank you so don’t stress out about it. Part of me thinks the thank you note thing is good as part of the process because it gives the loved ones something to do, another step in the grief/closure process etc.

God bless you. You are all still in my prayers. Eternal rest grant unto your DH.

 

[k3chantal]

Keeping you in my prayers......

 

[Wendy31]

We're still praying for you & your family, Rodeo65...

While I have not experienced the loss of a spouse or a child, I think grief comes in stages and waves. And the journey for each person is very different. My father-in-law passed away in early April. When my mother-in-law was talking to DH yesterday, she told him that the last week had been very hard for her. She was through w/ all the "busy, have-to" kind of things (the paperwork, the thank-yous, going through his clothes & deciding what to donate, etc.), & she just felt empty & at loose ends last week.

And, regarding thank-you notes, I don't think anyone expects to receive a thank-you card after sending a sympathy card. I think it's usually customary to send thank-you notes to the people who have sent flowers, made donations, sent/brought food, or assisted in other ways.

After my father-in-law passed away, I sent thank-you notes to those who had brought food, sent flowers, and/or made donations to the local hospice care center but not to those who had mailed us sympathy cards. However, about a week after the funeral, I happened to see someone who had mailed us a sympathy card, & I verbally thanked her for thinking of us.