How fast it all changed.

[minnie56]

Oh Rodeo, is there a student nearby who could take care of the lawn for awhile ? Perhaps a few dollars would suffice and you don't have to worry. I'd be in just the same spot not knowing how to do outdoor and inside too house things.. something we don't always think about and then we are faced with it.

I think about your and your children every day.. having a friend who lost her husband awhile back with 3 children , I know the boys can pretend to soldier on but they need help just as much. I hope in time they will all be receptive to some counselling to help move forward.

Blessings to you all..

 

[Poohlove]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can relate somewhat to everything changing and still having to deal with kids and house and finances and life and how I’m going to get a wheelchair around the house and a million other things..it’s so incredibly overwhelming. No one realizes how overwhelming until you’re thrown into a situation like that.

My husband had a brain bleed last September. He was transferred from a local ER to a hospital 45-60 minutes away, which was great, because they were great, but the drive made it hard to get back and forth throughout the day. Was in ICU for 4 weeks(2 of them in a coma). I was gone from 9-9 every day. My kids still had school and football and cheer(they are a sophomore and a senior.) my daughter was applying to colleges. Had to fill out the fafsa. My husband is an accountant, I made him deal with all that. Exceot now I had to. I have a 13 year old dog that needed to be let out. He took care of all the bill paying..I totally forgot to pay our property taxes (thankfully remembered 15 days later)
I had to take family leave from my job..
I literally just left the back door open so the dog could come and go and people came in dropping off food those first few crazy days.

The doctors would ask if I had any questions and I would say I have no idea what to even ask..how do you prepare for something like this? I was absolutely lost and overwhelmed. My brother came with me to all the super important stuff so someone clearheaded was there.

My community set up a meal train..I had dinner delivered to a cooler on my porch every weekday from September to New Years. If anyone offers, accept. I’m not the type to feel comfortable with charity, but that was a lifesaver with 2 teenagers in the house.

My husband’s neurosurgeon gave me the best advice-he told me to compartmentalize. Don’t look back, don’t look left, don’t look right, don’t look too far down the road. just focus on here and now or else it gets overwhelming. That’s what I’ve been doing and it has helped tremendously.

They didn’t expect my husband to survive. A neurologist walked into his room that first day shrugged and said sorry, not good. He did survive in the hospital.
Then he was moved to rehab, where he stayed 8 weeks..they didn’t expect him to even be able to stand. He didn’t talk and couldn’t move his right arm or right leg. I fought and fought and fought and fought for him..seemed like every single day in rehab. I believed.
That guy who was in a coma, on a feeding tube, on a ventilator with a trach, is sitting in my living room watching TV and having a cup of tea and a cookie. That feeding tube is a distant memory. He walked up our front walk and into the house this afternoon. Wheelchair hasn’t been used except for long distances(mall) for a couple of weeks. I dont even keep it in the house anymore, stays in the car. He moved his right arm and hand this week. We went out to dinner last night. We are discussing going to the movies tomorrow. When I say discussing, I mean he’s talking to me, too.
The only thing left of that trach and oxygen combo is a small scar. I go to work every day and he is fine at home. He’s hoping to eventually go back to work one day, himself

Miracles happen.
Keep the faith.
Accept any help, even if it’s uncomfortable for you.
You’re in my thoughts and I’m praying for a good outcome for your husband.

It is so encouraging to read this, I'm here in the ICU with my dad, he suffered a major stroke on Monday and we were told it didn't look good. He is fighting hard and we are here to cheer him on. We are taking turns staying the night with him and I am staying positive. I am so glad your husband is doing great!!

 

[PollyannaMom]

I also had a special one made for DD that I will put away until her wedding day because that was the one thing she said that really hammered my heart the day after he passed. That she'd have no one to walk her down the aisle

I think that's a lovely idea!

Earstou, I love that story and the Dammkind movement. I may find something of a similar nature for us to do next February on DH's birthday. For Mother's Day, DS is competing so that will be out of the norm for us and a good thing, I think. Father's Day will be hard but I don't want to deny my dad his Father's Day so we'll do something. Maybe some kind of volunteer thing also. For Christmas, I am thinking of taking the kids away. Christmas was his favourite of all! He'd put up the lights November 1 and insist on having them on until the last week of January.

Also all good ideas.

I've spend most of the week in preparations for his Celebration. Doing the photos for the slideshow was really, really hard! I also did a photobook for that day and individual ones each for the kids that are specifically of DH with each of them from the day they were born until the last picture I had of each of them with their dad. I'm going to give them to them after the celebration.

I'm sure doing the photos was extremely hard, but equally sure your kids will treasure those books.

And my house is still a disaster! And I have to learn to use our current lawnmower. The grass is getting long and I need to deal with it this weekend! I kind of remember him saying it takes a gas / oil mix but can't remember if that's the mower, weed wacker or snowblower. I'll have to look up the instructions for our model online and figure it out. I had so much advice when he was sick both here and IRL about making sure I had passwords, banking info etc. That wasn't an issue because I was the one to handle all of that. But the chores he took on...pool, lawn care, general outdoor maintenance. We basically divided things into indoor (mine) and outdoor (his) Mouse traps I am not looking forward to the fall!!!!!!!!!

No guilt about the house! You'll get there when you get there.

As to the lawn, options:

1) All those people who said "Let me know if there's anything I can do." - This is one of those things! Don't ask them directly, because then you'll worry that they'll say yes when they really can't. Put someone else in charge of asking them, who will fill up a schedule with times that are actually convenient for them, and they won't feel pressured if they can't do it right now.

2) Volunteers from a church or high school. The kids here have community service requirements, and I bet this would count! I'm sure some of them already know how to use the equipment because they do it at home. And again, you (or a friend) would only have to contact one coordinator, and they would do the scheduling.

3) If all else fails, hire it done. It's worth the money!

 

[ronandannette]

Good Morning @rodeo65 - grace and peace to you today and I hope you are able to spend some pleasant time with your kids and your own DMom.

I just wanted to tag a little PSA onto @PollyannaMom 's post above. Many, if not most of us will say to our friends and loved ones "Is there anything I can do to help?" and sincerely mean it. Being able to bless and serve during a time of bereavement helps us work out out own grief. What we don't realize is that's its so extremely difficult for anyone to actually reach out and ask for practical help. Take action by figuring out what needs to be done and doing it! Go over and say you'd like to take care of the lawn or shovel the snow today. Call and say you're on the way to the store and ask what they need picked up. Show up at the door with some Tim Horton's and a couple of hours to run some laundry and vacuum. Offer to take the car in and have the summer tires put back on or whatever else you can think of. If you know there's a financial need, think of a way to anonymously leave some cash in the mailbox (not a cheque that might not get deposited).

I know it sounds shockingly forward, but it's seldom ever offensive to the recipient. Someone has to reach across the void of independence and isolation.

 

[kimblebee]

Good Morning @rodeo65 - grace and peace to you today and I hope you are able to spend some pleasant time with your kids and your own DMom.

I just wanted to tag a little PSA onto @PollyannaMom 's post above. Many, if not most of us will say to our friends and loved ones "Is there anything I can do to help?" and sincerely mean it. Being able to bless and serve during a time of bereavement helps us work out out own grief. What we don't realize is that's its so extremely difficult for anyone to actually reach out and ask for practical help. Take action by figuring out what needs to be done and doing it! Go over and say you'd like to take care of the lawn or shovel the snow today. Call and say you're on the way to the store and ask what they need picked up. Show up at the door with some Tim Horton's and a couple of hours to run some laundry and vacuum. Offer to take the car in and have the summer tires put back on or whatever else you can think of. If you know there's a financial need, think of a way to anonymously leave some cash in the mailbox (not a cheque that might not get deposited).

I know it sounds shockingly forward, but it's seldom ever offensive to the recipient. Someone has to reach across the void of independence and isolation.

This is such great, and true advice.

I will never ask for help. Even if it takes me 2 hours and it’s a half @ss job, I WILL get those dishes washed.

But, if my daughter or husband comes to me and says tell me what I can do, instead of is there something I can do, I’ll give in and give them a chore or two to do.

 

[rodeo65]

Made it through our first day of celebration without DH. It didn't end up as planned, though. DS was set to compete, had his last practice that finished up around 6pm Saturday and went out with his friends for a while afterwards. I had let him know he was having an early curfew and needed to get to bed earlier than usual. Normally his heats are usually in the evening, but this was a one day event so he was to start in the early afternoon. With travel time and prep that meant a wake up time of about 8am. Around four or five hours earlier than his weekend norm. DS, however, is a typical teen and rarely listens to good advice about sleep. I was surprised then when everyone started leaving before 11. Then he tells me he has a sore throat. NOOOOOOOO! He was sick last comp also. At midnight he was threw up. We were both hoping it was maybe food related and he'd get a good nights sleep and be able to dance yesterday, but it was not to be. We had to cancel last minute which really sucks when it's a partner situation. It's not just himself, but impacted his partner also.

DD was scheduled to work 11-5 yesterday, so that left me with no plans. We had already decided with my parents that it wouldn't feel right to celebrate as we normally would. I ended up making my own Mother's Day brunch and watched movies for the afternoon. DS came down in the early evening and said he was sorry for ruining Mother's Day and he'd make it up to me, which of course I said was unnecessary and the three of us could just go out for dinner when he's feeling better. Probably a better plan anyway than trying to go anywhere on Mother's Day when it's so busy!

When I picked DD up from work, she and I did the garage winter/summer flip and put the mower and seed spreader at the front, pulled out the bikes and got the tires loaded into the car to drop off this morning. The gas cap on the mower said right on it 'Gasoline Only' so that made my job easier. I'm not sure though, what is in the can in the garage. I'm pretty sure it's a mix, so I'll have to go buy a new can and get it filled just to be safe. I'm hoping to get it started once the dew dries up this morning and at least get the front cut. In a day or two when DS feels better he can do the back and it then becomes his job.

So, a relatively manageable day. DS's birthday is next week and then Father's Day after that - those will be much harder.

 

[ENJDisneyFan]

Happy (belated) Mother's Day to you Rodeo. I'm sure it wasn't easy to celebrate without DH and I'm sorry things didn't go as planned...but please know how lucky your kids are to have you!

 

[disneyeveryyear]

I am glad that Mother's Day wasn't too difficult. I am sorry to hear that your son missed his competition this weekend, but I hope he soon feels better.

I am hoping for a belated Mother's Day dinner with my DH and DD. We went out to dinner with my family, but it was a fiasco and I definitely need a do-over.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

As others have said, when people offer to help, take them up on it. People really want to help. When my dad passed (20+ years ago but not young or unexpected), we had a planned family trip with our 8 and 10 year old kids to WDW for the next week. Didn't want to cancel but were worried about leaving my mom. At the funeral, many folk asked what they could do. I explained the situation and my mom had at least 3 phone calls a day and people taking her to the hairdresser and store. It was a win/win/win situation. We could travel without guilt. My mom had people helping. The friends got the pleasure of being able to help.

 

[rodeo65]

I had my car in for the switch from winter to all year tires yesterday. Our mechanic had really liked my DH. They would spend a couple of hours chatting anytime he ever took the vehicles in. I had been in the day before DH passed away for spark plugs and a wiring issue and told him he was in hospice. He was shocked - they shared the same philosophies on health and a clean lifestyle so it seemed to hit him pretty hard. When I told him he had passed he just seemed stunned.

He said anything I need, etc. So I mentioned I had to try and get the mower going and he offered to come by after work and help if I couldn't get it started. Which of course I couldn't. 'Cause it needs to be primed, ya know. I had some vague knowledge of that fact but no idea where the primer mechanism was. I thought it would be a lever or something (seemed to recall something like that from childhood mowing experiences.) So I called him and he came by on his way home. He showed me where the primer button was, checked the gas in the can we have and declared it straight gasoline and filled the mower, started it up and then turned it off and had me start it. Which I did - second try! While I was mowing, he wandered into the garage and found the weed wacker (that was the thing that took the mix) and got it started and then went around and did the edging. I so appreciated that - I hate that machine!!

We also got talking about losing a spouse at this age and who does what in the household. He said he'd be lost dealing with the kids and their schedules and the finances and his wife would be like me. I guess we have/had a pretty similar division of labour in our households. Then we got discussing the health stuff and how similar DH's and his philosophies were. I said how shocked I was that it was him over me - he was definitely the more health conscious of the two of us, and he said same in his household. We got talking about general ailments and my bone on bone arthritic knee that really is being snarky with me lately. His wife had an injection - he wasn't sure if it was cushioning but thought it was, and suggested I come over one night and talk to her. He said she walked out of the doctor's office like normal right after the injection. I need that kind of result!!!

The cemetery called this morning. My buddy's internment is scheduled for Thursday at noon. The only other date available was May 28 and I didn't want it that close to the Celebration; I want us to have processed it and be able to keep to the spirit of what we have planned. DS's birthday is next week and I didn't want it then either. So, in two days he will be removed from the mantle in the family room and placed for final resting. I still grapple with that a little. Part of me wants to keep him home, but I also think the internment will help with closure.

 

[lynxstch]

Dear rodeo65. I am still amazed at your strength and resilience. I know every day is still hard to get thru, but you are doing it, 1 step at a time. I thank you for continuing to share your story as you go about the daily routine. That was so sweet of the mechanic to get the mower going and do the weedwacking for you. Take the help where you can get it! We are all still with you, wishing you the best, and hoping that you continue to check in when you can. Will be sending you lots of prayer son Thursday, as that will be a difficult day for all of you. God Bless

 

[MamaBelle4]

You are such an amazing inspiration. I continue to follow you and you and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Happy Belated Mother's Day to you, Rodeo.

 

[Snowflakey]

You continue with your amazing strength every single day. Thought of you on Mother's Day and was wishing you the best. You will remain in my thoughts each day. Thinking of you.

 

[leebee]

Rodeo, you are quite possibly the strongest person I know. You are still in my thoughts. I understand how you struggle with the thoughts of internment. If you aren't ready for that, postpone. A good friend whose husband died suddenly, unexpectedly, wasn't ready for the final internment for two years. Until then, she kept her DH at home with the family. It's just what felt right to her. She said she'd know when they were ready to have him interred, and she did, and to this day is grateful that she kept him "home" until then. Peace and comfort to you and your kids.

 

[lisaviolet]

We got talking about general ailments and my bone on bone arthritic knee that really is being snarky with me lately. His wife had an injection - he wasn't sure if it was cushioning but thought it was, and suggested I come over one night and talk to her. He said she walked out of the doctor's office like normal right after the injection. I need that kind of result!!!

A friend used to have regular Synvisc shots Rodeo, and they were a godsend.

_____________________________________

Was thinking of you on Sunday.

Happy to hear that you were open to some help from your mechanic. I would think you're the one actually doing good for him Rodeo, as men especially like to be needed. And losing Buddy obviously came as a shock and a blow to him. So a plus for both of you to have that time and moment.

 

[rodeo65]

Laid to rest.

Just after noon today, we placed DH in his final resting place. He is with my paternal grandparents, which is where my parents and I will all be. It was just my parents, the kids and I. We recited a couple of prayers and took a moment of silence and that was about it. Which would have been about as simple as he'd have liked it. He wasn't much on ceremony. It was tough getting through the Lord's Prayer which was what I finished with, but I managed to keep it mostly together. DS placed the urn in the ground. The kids want to visit more frequently than I expected, so I said of course, anytime they want I'll take them. DS's girlfriend lives fairly close to the cemetery, so I suspect he may drop in with some regularity.

Now we will move on to completing plans for the Celebration of Life which I hope will be much more upbeat. Tomorrow night DS and his partner and coach will choose from my short list of the songs I think would work for his dances and choreograph a beginning and ending to their dances.

And my newest hurdle is technology. DH was the tech whiz in the house and we're all kind of stuck without him in that regard. He used to troubleshoot and repair electronics - two way radios, satellite equipment, cable boxes, so anything along that line was all him. Our TV system is all set up with the TV, PVR, DVD, sound system all routed through each other and different remotes for everything. It's confusing at the best of times but now the DVD/sound box isn't working so that means nothing is. I've run through my bag of tricks...turned everything off, unplugged and plugged back in, changed batteries and made sure the remotes are clicked on the correct piece of equipment. That's it for my skill set. I tried calling Best Buy - no one answered, tried the Geek Squad line directly - no one answered. It's really annoying the stupid little things that he just handled that were no big deal to him but I am stumped on the smallest things.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

@rodeo65

 

[disneyeveryyear]

Laid to rest.

Just after noon today, we placed DH in his final resting place. He is with my paternal grandparents, which is where my parents and I will all be. It was just my parents, the kids and I. We recited a couple of prayers and took a moment of silence and that was about it. Which would have been about as simple as he'd have liked it. He wasn't much on ceremony. It was tough getting through the Lord's Prayer which was what I finished with, but I managed to keep it mostly together. DS placed the urn in the ground. The kids want to visit more frequently than I expected, so I said of course, anytime they want I'll take them. DS's girlfriend lives fairly close to the cemetery, so I suspect he may drop in with some regularity.

Now we will move on to completing plans for the Celebration of Life which I hope will be much more upbeat. Tomorrow night DS and his partner and coach will choose from my short list of the songs I think would work for his dances and choreograph a beginning and ending to their dances.

And my newest hurdle is technology. DH was the tech whiz in the house and we're all kind of stuck without him in that regard. He used to troubleshoot and repair electronics - two way radios, satellite equipment, cable boxes, so anything along that line was all him. Our TV system is all set up with the TV, PVR, DVD, sound system all routed through each other and different remotes for everything. It's confusing at the best of times but now the DVD/sound box isn't working so that means nothing is. I've run through my bag of tricks...turned everything off, unplugged and plugged back in, changed batteries and made sure the remotes are clicked on the correct piece of equipment. That's it for my skill set. I tried calling Best Buy - no one answered, tried the Geek Squad line directly - no one answered. It's really annoying the stupid little things that he just handled that were no big deal to him but I am stumped on the smallest things.

I am touched by how you do everything with your DH in mind and I am sure your celebration will be lovely. It is sweet that your kids want to visit frequently. They may need talk to him, or just feel close to him.

I am sorry about the TV problems. I bet your kids know some tech whiz from HS who could come and help you and would love a little pocket $.

I am still in awe of your grace as you move forward. Please know that many of us are still here.

 

[Snowysmom]

I am in awe of your strength and love for your children and DH. You are taking such great care of everything and everyone. Remember to take care of yourself too.