How do you handle the Holidays when...

[LinderInWonderland]

My mother-in-law gave me a gift card for my first Christmas with them. I wasn't expecting anything, so that was nice.

Or you could just ask your son what his SO would like, as PPs have mentioned. That's what my mother does with DH.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

To be honest I don't think this thread has anything to do with the holidays, it runs much deeper than that and my best advice for the OP would be to go find a counselor with whom the whole story can be talked about and real advice can be given.

For other new to adult holiday parents (I am) I thought I would share what my husband and I decided to do. First, we love both our children and wish everything could stay the same but we both remember the struggles early in our marriage so we went in with no expectations.

I told our son we would help him find somewhere for Thanksgiving dinner and or send the money to make dinner at his dorm. He is very far from home and airfare is too expensive. This is his third year away and the third year we will be providing the money to purchase dinner for the students in his dorm area and anyone who doesn't go home. They all are learning the skills to make Thanksgiving and to be honest, I cherish the pictures he sends and the smiles on all the kids faces. (also all the silly questions I get throughout the day).

Our daughter lives at home, well her address is here. She lives with her boyfriend. I called her last week and just asked her what "her" plans were for the holidays. No pressure from me. Just asked if we could see her for a few hours on Christmas as her brother misses her a lot. She asked if we could make her and her boyfriend breakfast on Thanksgiving and watch the parade. Fine by me. I will do a small dinner for my husband and I. She has plans on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day Evening. I am making a brunch. Again, not my normal, but this is when we get to see her. Had I not wanted to change or do this, we all would have been fine. The bottom line is she is an adult and it is her day to do as she pleases.

OP I am sorry you are struggling with this holiday season. I really hope you consider talking to someone. Holiday's can bring out depression that was never there before.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

Maybe SO is nervous about meeting your family, which is why they are keeping the first visit short? Instead of dwelling on the amount of time your son isn't with you on Christmas, you could look at the bright side - you are finally going to have the opportunity to spend some time with your son's SO and get to know him, and vice versa.

 

[SparklePixie]

Your deliberate refusal to put a pronoun on the SO fills in a lot of missing info.

 

[pat fan]

My mother-in-law gave me a gift card for my first Christmas with them. I wasn't expecting anything, so that was nice.

See, regardless of how well I do or do not know someone, I know how awkward it can be to be there while people open presents and you are "left out". Obviously, my DIL will be treated as a child of my own, but we know her, have spent tons of time with her. The other one, as I said, met once for 30 seconds and they have made no effort for us to get to know them as a couple. Still, I would not be able to live with myself if there was awkwardness regarding gifts. This is my mother in me, BTW. Had to be equal, LOL! AND make sure no one was uncomfortable

 

[pat fan]

Your deliberate refusal to put a pronoun on the SO fills in a lot of missing info.

??

 

[TLSnell1981]

Your deliberate refusal to put a pronoun on the SO fills in a lot of missing info.

Refusal? Honestly, I don't know, what difference it makes.

 

[Allons-y!]

Your deliberate refusal to put a pronoun on the SO fills in a lot of missing info.

Wow, I hadn't noticed that before, but you're right. Hmm...

 

[Sabeking]

Whether others think your feelings are right or wrong; bottom line they are still your feelings and I'm sorry you feel bad. He's your son and you feel rejected. I hope you all can work towards building a better relationship. Good luck OP!

 

[pat fan]

Maybe SO is nervous about meeting your family, which is why they are keeping the first visit short? Instead of dwelling on the amount of time your son isn't with you on Christmas, you could look at the bright side - you are finally going to have the opportunity to spend some time with your son's SO and get to know him, and vice versa.

Well, we did meet briefly, so not complete strangers! That's a good way of looking at it. Not the nervous part, but the getting to know part. I would just rather that took place PRIOR to Christmas. That way Christmas can be relaxing and fun, not stilted conversation if people feel awkward!

 

[lovemygoofy]

Well, we did meet briefly, so not complete strangers! That's a good way of looking at it. Not the nervous part, but the getting to know part. I would just rather that took place PRIOR to Christmas. That way Christmas can be relaxing and fun, not stilted conversation if people feel awkward!

Conversation and the atmosphere and the mood has a lot to do with your attitude honestly. If you are going to be warm, welcoming and open to your son and his SO, whether stranger a or not is going to help set the mood for your visit. Obviously there is a backstory and I'm sure we have all drawn our own conclusions but if you want to have a good Christmas visit and have even better follow up visits, open your heart to the person your son is bringing home. There must be a reason your son like this person and obviously important enough to be introduced to the family.

 

[LisaR]

Your deliberate refusal to put a pronoun on the SO fills in a lot of missing info.

I noticed that right away and commented on it when I was first replying but deleted it. I got the vibe that this was the issue, but maybe I'm wrong....actually, I hope I am because that would be a stupid reason to have issues over.

 

[SparklePixie]

I noticed that right away and commented on it when I was first replying but deleted it. I got the vibe that this was the issue, but maybe I'm wrong....actually, I hope I am because that would be a stupid reason to have issues over.

I noticed it immediately, and was waiting for someone else to notice and post. They didn't so after 6 pages I did.

 

[NewRVLady]

So slightly OT, but I do find this a strange year for present buying. I admit I have always gone a tad overboard at Christmas, but have vowed every year to cut back, and I do try! Now that both boys are bringing others, I really do need to cut back to "spread the wealth" so to speak. Just seems strange. And how the heck do you buy gifts for someone you've never met for more than 30 seconds????? Coffee? Gift card??

How an you meet someone for30 seconds?
Did he drive by and wave out window ?
Is the SO not comfortable around you ?
I can't imagine even wanting to buy someone a Christmas gift whom you haven't even talked to???

 

[TLSnell1981]

I noticed it immediately, and was waiting for someone else to notice and post. They didn't so after 6 pages I did.

Funny, it took me a minute to "get" your meaning. Maybe, you are reading too much into it?

 

[TLSnell1981]

How an you meet someone for30 seconds?

I can't imagine even wanting to buy someone a Christmas gift whom you haven't even talked to???

I always have "something" for EVERYONE to unwrap...even if I've never met them. We have a large family celebration, but always plan for last minute guests.

 

[Bluestars]

See, regardless of how well I do or do not know someone, I know how awkward it can be to be there while people open presents and you are "left out". Obviously, my DIL will be treated as a child of my own, but we know her, have spent tons of time with her. The other one, as I said, met once for 30 seconds and they have made no effort for us to get to know them as a couple. Still, I would not be able to live with myself if there was awkwardness regarding gifts. This is my mother in me, BTW. Had to be equal, LOL! AND make sure no one was uncomfortable

If you don't want to make your son's SO feel left out while everyone is opening gifts, then I would ask him for gift suggestions. As far as everyone getting to know each other, I think creating a warm and friendly environment will help. When I met my kids' boyfriends or girlfriends for the first time, I tried to do my best to make it so they wouldn't feel uncomfortable by asking them about their interests and things like that. I have liked some of them more than others, but I made sure to always be friendly no matter what.

I bought my son's girlfriend a luggage set as a surprise because she will be going on a couple of trips with us in the future. My husband asked why and I told him that anything we do for her, we are also doing for our son because he loves her. He wants to marry her someday, so she will have a huge say in how often they visit or if they want to sometimes vacation with us. If we always make our home a pleasant place and include her whenever we can, she will enjoy being with us and in turn, we will also see our son more often. She's a great person, so it's easy.

Anyway, any kindness you show your son's SO will be greatly appreciated by your son.

 

[firecracker725]

I think the fact that you refuse to refer to your son's partner as anything but "SO" speaks volumes about your attitude toward not only this person but the relationship. Many are assuming (myself included) that this is because your son's partner is a man. If that is the case, then I truly don't feel much sympathy for your situation. This is your child. If you don't accept him for who he is, then how would you have the nerve to expect him to come home and pretend all is hunky dory for one day a year? And honestly, that goes for whether he is gay or straight. Clearly you are disapproving of him or his life choices in some way or he would not avoid you. If you truly care about your son and want to fix this, get some counseling.

 

[pat fan]

How an you meet someone for30 seconds?
Did he drive by and wave out window ?
Is the SO not comfortable around you ?
I can't imagine even wanting to buy someone a Christmas gift whom you haven't even talked to???

It occurs when you run into them in walmart, attempt conversation and they walk away from you. According to my ds he has no idea why he would do that

 

[Katy Belle]

You say you are willing to be flexible, but both boys are coming on Christmas Day , at different times. Have you offered an alternative? "Dad and I would love to have all 6 of us together to open gifts and share a meal! Could you all be here Sunday Dec 27 at noon? Or Saurday December 19 at 6?"
As for gifts for someone you don't know....a scarf and gloves, a basket of breakfast goodies, a Christmas CD, a gift cad or 2 to restaurants....