How do I POLITELY do this...

[kingLouiethe1]

Did you know it's also customary to buy me chocolate and that that one is non negotiable?

Listen lady, I know this country was founded by Puritans, which means your ankles shouldn't even be exposed. Go put some clothes on!

 

[DVCajun]

Ok, so here's what I think:

I think if I were a new bride whose husband was deployed into a dangerous war zone...... I'd be popping zanax with chardonnay and praying that I could pull off a full time school schedule and manage to pay all pertinent bills on time. I'm pretty sure that thank you notes wouldn't make my to-do list for a looooong time. Maybe I'd make the Emily Post six month guideline .... maybe not.

I honestly don't feel that the fact that she hasn't written thank you notes yet is a reflection of her upbringing, even if she hasn't ever written one to you, personally. She probably considers you (and has always considered you) family and as such, I would think her verbal thank yous would have been more than sufficient.

I say give a new bride with an absent groom a break. Her heart has more to deal with at the moment than social niceties.

 

[jjjmranch]

Hi guys,

It's been over 2 months since my son's wedding. I asked a friend of mine, had she recieved her thank you yet, no. Ahhhh, WTH? I've read they "Technically" have 6 months...but that's Christmas and I KNOW they won't get done then. My DIL is not one to say thank you. This is an issue for me. I was brought up to send thank you's. I don't expect her to do that, but at least say thank you. Last year we sent her a check for her BD, never heard a word about it. Now, they've had a wedding, and you know what? These were MY friends and family that brought gifts and traveled 3000 miles to be with them. Aaron is in Afghanastan, so I won't say anything to him, he's got enough on his plate. But she's just going to school full time. I know she has time in the evenings to write them out. How do I tactfully let her know this is unacceptable to NOT thank people for gifts & money? Please don't think I'm a total wench, but this is a huge deal to me. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries.

Thanks, I've only been a MIL for a few months now, still new to me!

Chris

I feel your pain as I'm a stickler for writing thank you notes, but they are both adults (since your DS is in Afghanistan and can't write thank you notes dodging enemy fire) and you aren't accountable for their thank you notes. They are. Your offer to help is wonderful but I think it's wrong that people are asking YOU about their thank you notes. You have no control over the sending out thank you cards as it wasn't your wedding!

Good luck being a MIL. I have an extremely conservative MIL who wants me to keep the kids home from school the day President Obama will address the children in school via video. Um, I have to pleasantly disagree with her in order to keep the family "happiness" intact.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Is it right - no but, she is an adult. You don't want to start meddling, especially so soon after the wedding. That might start things off on the wrong foot. However, I seem to be in the minority here. That's just my two cents worth.

We can be in the minority together. I agree with you. I am a MIL and would never stick my nose in this situation.

 

[sirJeffrey90]

Thank you. And yes, I don't want to come across that way. That's why I asked for advice. She's a great girl, this just isn't a priority for her. Thanks.

I'm sure you would never be like that mother-in-law. You know, it's too bad that most people DON'T write thank you-notes. I've always made sure I sent one, and if I wasn't sure I did, i'd write another one lol.


Anyway, sorry I couldn't be more help; I'm not sure what I would do in this situation.

 

[soulmates]

I'm sorry to say babe that I'm going to agree with the gist of this post. I think would just let it go. However since you've already sent the e-mail, if she accepts I think you two will have a nice time, if she tells you she will do it herself at some point I wouldn't even bring it up again regardless of what she does.

Of course this is coming from someone with a list of thanks you's for a wedding and a charity ride that still need to get done. However I Was waiting for the photos to come in so I could send out some photo cards, cuz I love getting those. This whole thank you card is a new thing for me by the way. We didn't do those growing up.

Growing up Mexican means when you get invited to a wedding you bring your mom, your aunt, the cousins, and the lady that works at the corner store with you. In a lot of ways assimilating into this whole American culture is something I haven't had to do until I graduated college and people seem to have certain expectations of you.

However, I don't think I will be sending out Holiday Newsletters anytime soon. (that's another one of those things that feels like a weird American custom to me)

You crack me up!! And yes, not everyone grew up like we did, with parents who made us sit down and hand write thank yous. I have to remember that.

I think you did the best thing. As a bride to be, I would LOVE to get an invitation like that and I think it is the most gentle and non invasive way of letting her know about the thankyou's at all AND offering help to boot. If she says she's busy or declines, I would just say, well whenever you're writing them out, give me a call and I'll try to help out however I can.

You sound like a great mom and a great mother in law, btw. No wonder your son chose a career where he protects people. I hope he comes home soon!

Thank you so much for the kind words.

Ok, so here's what I think:

I think if I were a new bride whose husband was deployed into a dangerous war zone...... I'd be popping zanax with chardonnay and praying that I could pull off a full time school schedule and manage to pay all pertinent bills on time. I'm pretty sure that thank you notes wouldn't make my to-do list for a looooong time. Maybe I'd make the Emily Post six month guideline .... maybe not.

I honestly don't feel that the fact that she hasn't written thank you notes yet is a reflection of her upbringing, even if she hasn't ever written one to you, personally. She probably considers you (and has always considered you) family and as such, I would think her verbal thank yous would have been more than sufficient.

I say give a new bride with an absent groom a break. Her heart has more to deal with at the moment than social niceties.

I'm so glad I asked, because its' helped me to see all the sides of this. And speaking of Chardonnay, we need to share a glass soon!

I feel your pain as I'm a stickler for writing thank you notes, but they are both adults (since your DS is in Afghanistan and can't write thank you notes dodging enemy fire) and you aren't accountable for their thank you notes. They are. Your offer to help is wonderful but I think it's wrong that people are asking YOU about their thank you notes. You have no control over the sending out thank you cards as it wasn't your wedding!

Good luck being a MIL. I have an extremely conservative MIL who wants me to keep the kids home from school the day President Obama will address the children in school via video. Um, I have to pleasantly disagree with her in order to keep the family "happiness" intact.

Your right, I'm in a tough place. I have a friend who spent a good chunk on some dishes and hadn't heard anything, so she emailed me. Probably not a good idea. However, we move forward. Thanks for the kind words

I'm sure you would never be like that mother-in-law. You know, it's too bad that most people DON'T write thank you-notes. I've always made sure I sent one, and if I wasn't sure I did, i'd write another one lol.


Anyway, sorry I couldn't be more help; I'm not sure what I would do in this situation.

You were ALL a great help. Showing me other points of view is always a good thing. I don't want to be closed minded.


To EVERYONE here...Michelle emailed back, she has a class this weekend, so she can't come up. She did say, that she's sent most of her thank you's and will work on the rest Sunday. It worked out well. Thanks to ALL of you for your kind words!

 

[OrlandoMike]

Glad it went well....


Now speaking of Thank You notes.....can your son get mail?

 

[rpmdfw]

Glad it went well....


Now speaking of Thank You notes.....can your son get mail?

A DIS carepackage?

 

[nicolem05]

I know I am a lurker but just wanted to give you a different point of thought.. I am wedding photographer who is lucky enough to be in high demand. Since I hand edit each image, and I have weddings nearly every day in the summer months, I don't even deliver the wedding images until 8-12 weeks after the wedding. I also design most of their thank you cards at this time. A lot of girls are waiting for a picture to include with their thank you notes. I don't think it is entirely about being younger generation every single girl I have ever shot for has mentioned their Thank You cards.. so its definitely on their radar.. I really think 8 weeks is more than acceptable
I think offering to help was absolutely a tactful way to bring up the subject!

 

[rpmdfw]

That's a good point. Scott and I also waited to get our wallet sized "thank you" photos to include with our thank-yous.

 

[wallyb]

I returned everything for cash!

I don't know who got me what - oh well.

 

[soulmates]

That's a good point. Scott and I also waited to get our wallet sized "thank you" photos to include with our thank-yous.

How thoughtful and personal? Love that idea!

I know I am a lurker but just wanted to give you a different point of thought.. I am wedding photographer who is lucky enough to be in high demand. Since I hand edit each image, and I have weddings nearly every day in the summer months, I don't even deliver the wedding images until 8-12 weeks after the wedding. I also design most of their thank you cards at this time. A lot of girls are waiting for a picture to include with their thank you notes. I don't think it is entirely about being younger generation every single girl I have ever shot for has mentioned their Thank You cards.. so its definitely on their radar.. I really think 8 weeks is more than acceptable
I think offering to help was absolutely a tactful way to bring up the subject!

Great idea. It's actually been 10 weeks, but she emailed and said she's done with most of them already. Makes sense.

 

[rpmdfw]

Just think, Chris; now you're totally ready for all thank-you note discussions when you have your own wedding next October!

 

[soulmates]

Just think, Chris; now you're totally ready for all thank-you note discussions when you have your own wedding next October!

Yeah, I'm ready alright!! I'm sure there will be lurkers ready to POUNCE as soon as we're back from Disneymoon!!

 

[rpmdfw]

Yeah, I'm ready alright!! I'm sure there will be lurkers ready to POUNCE as soon as we're back from Disneymoon!!

Well, personally, I'm SHOCKED that you haven't started writing thank you notes already!

Why not send the thank you notes with your invitations, so everyone will know exactly what they're supposed to get you!

 

[soulmates]

Well, personally, I'm SHOCKED that you haven't started writing thank you notes already!

Why not send the thank you notes with your invitations, so everyone will know exactly what they're supposed to get you!

Now THAT my friend is an EXCELLENT idea!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds like you handled it really well and the thank yous will get done eventually. I agree with recent posters that it really hasn't been that long and she could be waiting on photos, etc. (maybe even the ones which are "done" now are not sent yet waiting for a photo or whatnot). I would not question it before 3 months even when both newlyweds are home and certainly not from a bride who is stressed with a husband in a war zone (and yes please do thank your son from me and my family as well).
If anyone else asks you about their gifts and not receiving a note I would just smile and tell them you are sure she appreciates the gift but you have really not spoken to her about thank you notes as you two tend to be worrying about your son when together (gentle reminder that there are ore important things going on in her life).

Funny, I have two kids. I do make them send thank you notes or emails. Although--DH and his siblings got together a few years back and all agreed that verbal thank yous were all the kids needed to do with each other aunts/uncles (nice for OUR kids who both have birthdays Christmas week which makes for a lot of writing come early January). DD wirtes long, thoughful thank you notes. She ENJOYS doing it and still insists on sending them eve nto the cousins and aunts and uncles. DS has fine motor issues and writing at all is a struggle for him. He always writes the bare minimum ("thank you for ______. I really like it. Love Rio). I get photo cards for him to write on so it seems a little more real He is very grateful and will tell you so profusly on the phone but he HATES to write (or even type) something and would truly rather just not get any gift at all. So, I can totally see him not sending thank yous some day when he gets married (or buying Scott's and Rob's program).

 

[rosiep]

It sounds like you handled it really well and the thank yous will get done eventually. I agree with recent posters that it really hasn't been that long and she could be waiting on photos, etc. (maybe even the ones which are "done" now are not sent yet waiting for a photo or whatnot). I would not question it before 3 months even when both newlyweds are home and certainly not from a bride who is stressed with a husband in a war zone (and yes please do thank your son from me and my family as well).
If anyone else asks you about their gifts and not receiving a note I would just smile and tell them you are sure she appreciates the gift but you have really not spoken to her about thank you notes as you two tend to be worrying about your son when together (gentle reminder that there are ore important things going on in her life).

Funny, I have two kids. I do make them send thank you notes or emails. Although--DH and his siblings got together a few years back and all agreed that verbal thank yous were all the kids needed to do with each other aunts/uncles (nice for OUR kids who both have birthdays Christmas week which makes for a lot of writing come early January). DD wirtes long, thoughful thank you notes. She ENJOYS doing it and still insists on sending them eve nto the cousins and aunts and uncles. DS has fine motor issues and writing at all is a struggle for him. He always writes the bare minimum ("thank you for ______. I really like it. Love Rio). I get photo cards for him to write on so it seems a little more real He is very grateful and will tell you so profusly on the phone but he HATES to write (or even type) something and would truly rather just not get any gift at all. So, I can totally see him not sending thank yous some day when he gets married (or buying Scott's and Rob's program).

I made my kids write Thank You cards too. When we moved from NY to Oregon I pointed out how kind it was of people to have thought of them and all the trouble it took to send a package...hence we all sat at the table with cookies and milk and worked on our cards. When they grew older it wasn't any big deal it simple was "what you do". Many people have told me that they saved some of those notes...and how much they cherished them.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Well, you can at least start addressing your thank you notes.

My boss isn't having her baby for 3 more weeks, but I am about halfway through addressing the announcement envelopes.

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

Now speaking of Thank You notes.....can your son get mail?

A DIS carepackage?

Oh! I like the way you two are thinkin... let me know. I am in!

Why not send the thank you notes with your invitations, so everyone will know exactly what they're supposed to get you!

This guy is on a roll today with the good ideas...

Well, you can at least start addressing your thank you notes.

My boss isn't having her baby for 3 more weeks, but I am about halfway through addressing the announcement envelopes.

Hire it out! Perfect! So many good ideas today!