How do I POLITELY do this...

[PghLybrt]

Thank you's haven't crossed his mind.

Can I just say it........ I do not think they should cross his mind now!!! He needs to focus on the job at hand!!!!

 

[jlewisinsyr]

I completely understand the situation, and I disagree with chicagodisneyfan, my BIL was in Afghanistan (he's Special Ops) and there really was NO way for him to communicate with his family, and even if he could he wasn't allowed to because of the classified nature of his assignments (he called about once every 3 - 6 months between missions/assignments).

OP, I think this is one of those times you have to make a choice either hold a firm ground and make a stance to the DIL and state that she needs to do this, or you just need to sit back and realize you cannot control their lives and need to let them sink or swim so to speak. Unfortunately for your son, that could be problematic because he may come back to a lot of people who are disappointed.

 

[soulmates]

Eeeeek. That's a yucky subject. You don't wanna seem like the meddling mother-in-law. I agree with someone who posted earlier; try to make it seem like people want them, but I think it's a BAD idea to say people have been commenting. Don't make her feel like it's a chore, and offer to help; that'd be nice for both of you.



you know it's funny....I was JUST watching an Everybody loves Raymond episode about this.

Thank you. And yes, I don't want to come across that way. That's why I asked for advice. She's a great girl, this just isn't a priority for her. Thanks.

 

[soulmates]

I completely understand the situation, and I disagree with chicagodisneyfan, my BIL was in Afghanistan (he's Special Ops) and there really was NO way for him to communicate with his family, and even if he could he wasn't allowed to because of the classified nature of his assignments (he called about once every 3 - 6 months between missions/assignments).

OP, I think this is one of those times you have to make a choice either hold a firm ground and make a stance to the DIL and state that she needs to do this, or you just need to sit back and realize you cannot control their lives and need to let them sink or swim so to speak. Unfortunately for your son, that could be problematic because he may come back to a lot of people who are disappointed.

Thank you. I think some people assume because they knew someone over there, that EVERYONE is in a place just like them, not so. We've still not heard a word from him.

I've just emailed her, and offered as suggested earlier, to help her, if she hasn't already done them. I told her we could have a girls night! Thanks for the kind words!

 

[kitsch4]

Offer to help. Casually mention that so and so remarked that they hadn't received a thank-you; Make it seem as if it's important to them (not you), then tell her you know how busy she is with school and what if you came over on such and such a day to help her address the envelopes..Make it sound inviting...offer to bring dessert.

I was going to suggest the same thing. You said that she was raised differently. Maybe she doesn't know that sending Thank-You notes is the proper thing to do?

 

[wallyb]

Too funny. I NEED that laugh too! I had NO idea this would get outta control.

Go figure ... right.

Next up on the social graces steel cage death match....

 

[rosiep]

Thank you. I think some people assume because they knew someone over there, that EVERYONE is in a place just like them, not so. We've still not heard a word from him.

I've just emailed her, and offered as suggested earlier, to help her, if she hasn't already done them. I told her we could have a girls night! Thanks for the kind words!

Good for you! I know it's hard to watch the young people in our lives...that which is so obvious and important to us seemingly of no interest to them....however, the best way to teach is by example. Because these are young adults and not children DOES not mean they are done learning and growing. Starting out can be daunting. I remember how clueless I was when I first married and how patient and non judgemental my mother-in-law was. I want to be just like her. I grew because she was willing to spend time with me.

 

[soulmates]

Can I just say it........ I do not think they should cross his mind now!!! He needs to focus on the job at hand!!!!

AMEN Sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was going to suggest the same thing. You said that she was raised differently. Maybe she doesn't know that sending Thank-You notes is the proper thing to do?

Your right. Their real laid back people and she probably just didn't know.

Go figure ... right.

Next up on the social graces steel cage death match....

reason 3,874 of why I love this board and my DIS friends. Thanks Wally.

 

[ccgirl]

I am actually going to take the opposite stance as others here and if your friends mention something to you; just say that you cannot be responsible for her actions. Technically, she does actually have 1 year to write them. It's apparent from your message that she probably won't be writing them. As you said, she has never sent them before so a lot of people won't be surprised that they don't receive a thank you. Is it right - no but, she is an adult. You don't want to start meddling, especially so soon after the wedding. That might start things off on the wrong foot. However, I seem to be in the minority here. That's just my two cents worth.

Please thank your son for me as well. I'm always amazed at the people that are brave enough to fight for so many people they have never met.

 

[wallyb]

Good for you! I know it's hard to watch the young people in our lives...that which is so obvious and important to us seemingly of no interest to them....however, the best way to teach is by example. Because these are young adults and not children DOES not mean they are done learning and growing. Starting out can be daunting. I remember how clueless I was when I first married and how patient and non judgemental my mother-in-law was. I want to be just like her. I grew because she was willing to spend time with me.

Now we know - We can blame Rosie MIL!

 

[soulmates]

Good for you! I know it's hard to watch the young people in our lives...that which is so obvious and important to us seemingly of no interest to them....however, the best way to teach is by example. Because these are young adults and children DOES not mean they are done learning and growing. Starting out can be daunting. I remember how clueless I was when I first married and how patient and non judgemental my mother-in-law was. I want to be just like her. I grew because she was willing to spend time with me.

I 2nd that Rosie. She's new at being a wife & daughter inlaw. I'm new at being a mother inlaw. I've known her for years, and I don't want to come across in a negative way. Aaron being gone, family is all she has. I'm hoping she'll come up and we'll do them together and we can spend some time together. I never had a MIL like yours and I remember vowing to myself, when I became one, I knew what to NOT do. This is exactly why I asked you all, because I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Hugs to you all!

 

[rosiep]

I 2nd that Rosie. She's new at being a wife & daughter inlaw. I'm new at being a mother inlaw. I've known her for years, and I don't want to come across in a negative way. Aaron being gone, family is all she has. I'm hoping she'll come up and we'll do them together and we can spend some time together. I never had a MIL like yours and I remember vowing to myself, when I became one, I knew what to NOT do. This is exactly why I asked you all, because I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Hugs to you all!

I'm new to the MIL thing too!!!! Let's share our discoveries!!!

 

[rpmdfw]

I'm new to the MIL thing too!!!! Let's share our discoveries!!!

Privately

 

[rosiep]

Privately

Ooooh naughty! Well played!

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

Go figure ... right.

Next up on the social graces steel cage death match....

Do I get to choose who I go into the steel cage with?



Chris, I think you are doing the right thing. All you can do is offer...

Good luck!

Now, I have to say - I am not the biggest written thank you person... I like to say my thank you's in person... I was raised to write them but always hated it b/c I never knew what to say. I prefer to have a conversation with someone. But that is just me.

 

[soulmates]

I am actually going to take the opposite stance as others here and if your friends mention something to you; just say that you cannot be responsible for her actions. Technically, she does actually have 1 year to write them. It's apparent from your message that she probably won't be writing them. As you said, she has never sent them before so a lot of people won't be surprised that they don't receive a thank you. Is it right - no but, she is an adult. You don't want to start meddling, especially so soon after the wedding. That might start things off on the wrong foot. However, I seem to be in the minority here. That's just my two cents worth.

Please thank your son for me as well. I'm always amazed at the people that are brave enough to fight for so many people they have never met.

I will thank him. Your right, she does have time to write them. I actually sent her a nice email inviting her up to our home for some girl time and offered to help her if she hasn't already done them. I appreciate your kind words

I'm new to the MIL thing too!!!! Let's share our discoveries!!!

Absolutely!!

Do I get to choose who I go into the steel cage with?



Chris, I think you are doing the right thing. All you can do is offer...

Good luck!

Now, I have to say - I am not the biggest written thank you person... I like to say my thank you's in person... I was raised to write them but always hated it b/c I never knew what to say. I prefer to have a conversation with someone. But that is just me.

I agree, thank you's are nice in person. However, so many people that went to the wedding, were people from out of state, and friends of her parents and my friends. So she won't get the chance to thank them in person. I'm hoping she does write them, but if she doesn't, I'll have to get over it and so will my family & friends. It's like I said, she was raised differently than my children were. Thanks!

 

[wallyb]

Now, I have to say - I am not the biggest written thank you person... I like to say my thank you's in person... I was raised to write them but always hated it b/c I never knew what to say. I prefer to have a conversation with someone. But that is just me.

Believe it or not I think I read some where that thank you emails
were also becoming socially expectably.

Can't find it but found this...

Etiquette Everyday ~ Communications
Being Thankful: A Thank-You Note Q&A
http://www.emilypost.com/everyday/thank_u_note_qna.htm

 

[kingLouiethe1]

I am actually going to take the opposite stance as others here and if your friends mention something to you; just say that you cannot be responsible for her actions. Technically, she does actually have 1 year to write them. It's apparent from your message that she probably won't be writing them. As you said, she has never sent them before so a lot of people won't be surprised that they don't receive a thank you. Is it right - no but, she is an adult. You don't want to start meddling, especially so soon after the wedding. That might start things off on the wrong foot. However, I seem to be in the minority here. That's just my two cents worth.

Please thank your son for me as well. I'm always amazed at the people that are brave enough to fight for so many people they have never met.

I'm sorry to say babe that I'm going to agree with the gist of this post. I think would just let it go. However since you've already sent the e-mail, if she accepts I think you two will have a nice time, if she tells you she will do it herself at some point I wouldn't even bring it up again regardless of what she does.

Of course this is coming from someone with a list of thanks you's for a wedding and a charity ride that still need to get done. However I Was waiting for the photos to come in so I could send out some photo cards, cuz I love getting those. This whole thank you card is a new thing for me by the way. We didn't do those growing up.

Growing up Mexican means when you get invited to a wedding you bring your mom, your aunt, the cousins, and the lady that works at the corner store with you. In a lot of ways assimilating into this whole American culture is something I haven't had to do until I graduated college and people seem to have certain expectations of you.

However, I don't think I will be sending out Holiday Newsletters anytime soon. (that's another one of those things that feels like a weird American custom to me)

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I think you did the best thing. As a bride to be, I would LOVE to get an invitation like that and I think it is the most gentle and non invasive way of letting her know about the thankyou's at all AND offering help to boot. If she says she's busy or declines, I would just say, well whenever you're writing them out, give me a call and I'll try to help out however I can.

You sound like a great mom and a great mother in law, btw. No wonder your son chose a career where he protects people. I hope he comes home soon!

 

[rosiep]

However, I don't think I will be sending out Holiday Newsletters anytime soon. (that's another one of those things that feels like a weird American custom to me)

Did you know it's also customary to buy me chocolate and that that one is non negotiable?