How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[roliepolieoliefan]

If I didn't really want to go, I would use the lack of someone to babysit as an excuse not to go. Not to sound nasty, but I think that is what the OP is doing here. That is perfectly o.k., it is the OP's choice whether or not to attend this wedding. She should send her regrets and not think any more of it.

Denae

Denae, seriously I'm not even commenting on this, because this issue has been beaten like a dead horse.

If your husband can take time off of work just because,,,consider yourself lucky.

If you have many indispensible babysitters who you trust to leave your kids with overnight,,,consider yourself lucky

If you feel comfortable leaving your kids with strangers in a strange hotel room in a strange city, so be it.

Maybe you'd like to take the drive over here to PA to watch my kids, so I can go to the wedding? No forget it you're a stranger.

Yep, I'm trying to get out of it, my kids are disappointed they aren't going to the wedding and possibly not the beach. I have to call and cancel hotel reservations and return a dress I already bought to wear to the wedding. Yep that's right, I'm really trying to get out of it.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Sometimes there just isnt' a solution. This is not a wedding in town, it is 6 hours away. If there is no sitter there is no sitter, I am sorry but I would never go out of town leaving my kids with a sitter unless it was family.
My kids are my priority and the most important thing to me. so if it doesn't work for me to go thats it, it is not an excuse it is reality. plain and simple.
op i get what you are saying. I would be saying the same thing if it were me. and I wouldn't go to an out of town wedding without the kids . period.

and fwiw, I have never been to a wedding without kids, Kids are part of the family and a wedding without them doesn't make sense to me. Its a celebration with family and kids are part of a family.

Thx!

 

[mjkacmom]

Seriously though at $150.00 a plate, how many people do you invite? Are weddings $100,000 ? I'm sorry but its nuts. Its might be your way over there in NJ, but to pay $100,000 is unimaginable, at least to me.

How do people afford it, seriously?

They take out loans, and pay the money back with their wedding checks! Seriously, it's not unheard of to spend $40,000 on a wedding, especially in the more afluent areas, but keep in mind, $200,000 is now the $100,000, salary-wise. People here also tend to marry later on, when they're older and have more established careers.

 

[mjkacmom]

and fwiw, I have never been to a wedding without kids, Kids are part of the family and a wedding without them doesn't make sense to me. Its a celebration with family and kids are part of a family.

A wedding, where you live, is a celebration with family, but a wedding in this area is typically an adult affair, like a cocktail party. Since this particular wedding takes place here, it should make sense that it would be an adult only event.

 

[MELSMICE]

OP - how did the address read on the "save the date card"? Did it say Mr. & Mrs. Smith or Mr. & Mrs. Smith & Family?

The way that card was addressed would have indicated to me who was to be invited to the wedding?

 

[torinsmom]

My whole wedding, reception and all, was less than $1000, LOL. My dress (which was beautiful) was $100 at a bridal outlet, the chapel was around $200 with decorations included. My photographer charged $150, and we got all the negatives to make prints ourselves. The reception was at a room in the community center($75 for two hours) and my mom made all the food(more snack items) except for the cake, which was $100. We had 100 people in attendance, and everything went great. Oh, and my rehearsal dinner was the buffet at Pizza Inn, LOL. I can't imagine spending even $20,000 on a wedding; that's a downpayment on a house or full payment for a car. I had a very nice wedding. I guess some people want something more fancy, but I can't understand spending more than $5000. Of course, I can't understand spending $5000 on a trip to WDW either. I could do two trips for that amount.

Marsha

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

A wedding, where you live, is a celebration with family, but a wedding in this area is typically an adult affair, like a cocktail party. Since this particular wedding takes place here, it should make sense that it would be an adult only event.

But if we don't live in NJ and its not customary here, (brides mom grew up here) how would we know?

Its mixed here. I've been to hoity toity weddings here. See I call our expensive weddings here, hoity toity too. Plus I've been to firehall weddings, its a mix.

We didn't know what kind of wedding, it was, nor did we know its customary for $150.00 a plate in NJ. It shouldn't have been assumed since we don't live there and don't know the norm for that area. thats what I'm sayin'

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

OP - how did the address read on the "save the date card"? Did it say Mr. & Mrs. Smith or Mr. & Mrs. Smith & Family?

The way that card was addressed would have indicated to me who was to be invited to the wedding?

I know I said sent out, but they were actually emailed to us. It didn't specify if it was just my husband and I or family since it came to my email address.

 

[bumbershoot]

I was engaged for over 2 years. Spent scads of time on various wedding planning message boards. Saw all sorts of stuff and found out a ton about weddings from all around the country.

The one wedding I attended in NJ had kids there.

Seriously though at $150.00 a plate, how many people do you invite? Are weddings $100,000 ? I'm sorry but its nuts. Its might be your way over there in NJ, but to pay $100,000 is unimaginable, at least to me.

How do people afford it, seriously?

I'm not sure, but plenty do! Sometimes people take out huge loans, sometimes it's a very traditional family where the bride's family has been planning and saving for it since the girl was a baby. Sometimes the family is just wealthy.

I don't really understand this but if you are implying that people have expensive receptions to get gifts then you are wrong.

On the other hand, MANY people try to figure out the cost per head, so that they can "pay" for their meal with their gift. I still feel bad about the gift my NJ friend got us, b/c it was more in line with a NJ wedding, not the very simple (but nice and yummy food/beer) $30 pp (that's just food, not the other costs) wedding I had in Oregon.

(I've also never been to a barbeque reception, but I took that as a joke! )

Plenty of people have BBQ receptions! I went to a BBQ reception on the beach several years back, it was lovely. I could have BBQ at my own reception, but we're vegetarian and that just wouldn't have worked for us, LOL.

If you've already gotten your invitation and the kids are on there, they are definitely invited. If they aren't on there, they're probably not invited.

Sadly, very few people go by the official invitation rules.

People knew we were inviting every part of a family, but didin't understand why we needed to know their childrens' full names so we could put the names on the inner envelope. So few people actually do that, that you never actually do really know, unless the names ARE there or you ask if they aren't.

A friend of mine had a big country club bash and didn't include my then fiance's name on the invitation. I had to ask her and she said of course he was invited, she just thought I KNEW that and didn't need to include his name. HOW would I know if his name wasn't on there???

...because by children the bride means anyone under 13, I have confirmed it since I wrote this post.

The family who usually watches the kids will be at the wedding. There is no one to watch the kids for a weekend while I run to a wedding 6 hours away, its as simple as that.

My mom told the cousins mom I wouldn't be coming because of the no kid restriction, so thats done.

...The mom is paying for the wedding so she knows for sure no kids.

I am concerned that you never contacted the bride. Your first cousin once removed, that is.

From my time in wedding-planning boards, you would not believe the stuff that happens...the bride wants kids there but her mom refuses to hear that and tells everyone no kids, then the bride is sad no kids are there. That sort of thing. I would REALLY urge you to call the bride and ask as sweetly as possible about it. Everyone wants to shelter the bride from stupid questions, but THIS is not a stupid question.

I'm with you, by the way. We don't have anyone trustworthy to watch DS, and we haven't attended child-free weddings. We don't judge couples who have them, but we haven't gone.

Anyway, the other idea is, if you WANTED to have this beachy vacation, is to have hubby take the time off, you all go *on the trip*, and you just go to the wedding while hubby and kids do something spectacularly fun, and then you all go to the beach with the others going!

It wouldn't have worked when DS was small and we had wedding invitations coming in, but now that DS is so much older and not dependent on me anymore, if we wanted to go to a place enough I can definitely imagine us doing something like that.

But I'd really, sweetly, kindly, call the bride and ask her directly, if you think you would get an honest response from her (as the wedding gets closer you might get a more stressed response, and many people advise others to NEVER ask the bride such questions, but as a bride I wanted people to ask me questions like that, and when I've asked questions of a bride I've gotten real responses, so that's why I counsel just asking HER).

You don't include information about the wedding itself on save the date cards. Usually it only mentions the couple's name, and the city and date of the wedding.

Actually a lot of people send actual packets of info about the wedding in their save the dates. You would be amazed!

 

[mjkacmom]

But if we don't live in NJ and its not customary here, (brides mom grew up here) how would we know?

Its mixed here. I've been to hoity toity weddings here. See I call our expensive weddings here, hoity toity too. Plus I've been to firehall weddings, its a mix.

We didn't know what kind of wedding, it was, nor did we know its customary for $150.00 a plate in NJ. It shouldn't have been assumed since we don't live there and don't know the norm for that area. thats what I'm sayin'

Along the same lines, she might not have known you have thought children WERE invited. I honestly never knew that other areas had such different weddings than ours. My sister came back her last year for a wedding, and left her kids home with the IL's (she lives in Chicago). However, since she grew up here, she never thought her kids would be invited to the wedding.

I do want to mention that my wedding only cost about $10,000 - I had it at a historic mansion, no sit down dinner (passed appys and stations), the place let us supply the alcohol (we hired a bartender), DJ instead of a band, and no video (which I still regret - it was the thinnest day of my life! ). My parents paid for everything but the flowers, which my IL's paid for. I didn't want the big wedding (although I really enjoy going to them!).

 

[auntie]

I haven't read through all the pages..but enough to get the idea.

Don't go. Tell her your sorry, wish them many happy years together. Send a gift..if she's a first cousin, I'd do that.
Use the money you set aside for the wedding to take your kids on a little beach vacation. Then don't give a hoot what anyone else says.

This is from someone who thinks WAY too much is spent on weddings, and sick of people who argue about the color of a napkin or table cloth, that no one is ever going to remember. It's a four...maybe five hour party. No matter how grand it is..or how simple..it comes back to the fact that it's a party. People just want to justify the expense one way or another. You can either go or not. Seems to me, you have plenty of time to make the choice that fits your family situation. Yes..she should have told you there were no kids..but it's still over five months away, and you can return the dress, and still make plans to spend some beach time with the kids.
Honestly ladies..do you remember the color of your napkin at the last wedding you went to. More to the point do you CARE?..People actually argue over this stuff. Ridiculous. Don't get sucked into the drama.

 

[mickeyboat]

Denae, seriously I'm not even commenting on this, because this issue has been beaten like a dead horse.

If your husband can take time off of work just because,,,consider yourself lucky.

If you have many indispensible babysitters who you trust to leave your kids with overnight,,,consider yourself lucky

If you feel comfortable leaving your kids with strangers in a strange hotel room in a strange city, so be it.

Maybe you'd like to take the drive over here to PA to watch my kids, so I can go to the wedding? No forget it you're a stranger.

Yep, I'm trying to get out of it, my kids are disappointed they aren't going to the wedding and possibly not the beach. I have to call and cancel hotel reservations and return a dress I already bought to wear to the wedding. Yep that's right, I'm really trying to get out of it.

My point is that there are many many more options available here. I think if you really wanted to go, you could find a way.

I have asked family members to come to VT, from PA, to watch my kids overnight so I could attend an event that I really wanted to go to. I would only call in those kinds of favors when the event was very important to me, though. An out of town wedding for a cousin might not be important enough in my book.

 

[luvmy3]

I know I said sent out, but they were actually emailed to us. It didn't specify if it was just my husband and I or family since it came to my email address.

OP I can completely understand not having a sitter and know exactly how you feel. I have been in that situation before and its not as simple as some may think.

A save the date does not have to be addressed to all taht are invited, it just needs to be sent so that you know when the wedding is so you can try to not make other plans for that day.
A bride and groom are under no obligation to announce whether or not kids are invited before the send out the invitation. It is customary to find out who is invited when the invitation shows up. It will be addressed to you and inside the envelope should say to Mr. and Mrs. XXXX, or Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX and family. That is how it usually works but I do agree that a heads up would have been nice especially since she was talking about it in front of you.

 

[HamTown]

I'm going to put myself out there and say that the bride probably wouldn't care if the OP and her children attended the wedding, but just doesn't want to pay for kids and worry about having kids at the reception. For a lot of people, the ceremony has become secondary to the party.

But I'm from the South and most weddings include kids, especially if they are close family.

 

[justhat]

My point is that there are many many more options available here. I think if you really wanted to go, you could find a way.

I have asked family members to come to VT, from PA, to watch my kids overnight so I could attend an event that I really wanted to go to. I would only call in those kinds of favors when the event was very important to me, though. An out of town wedding for a cousin might not be important enough in my book.

I think the flow in your logic is that not everyone has those resources available. I am assuming the OP does not as she didn't mention them.

My husband simply cannot take days off. If he is sick he cannot take a day off, nor go home. He had to work overnight once, after spending several hours midday in the ER hooked up to an IV. They could not afford to send him home. This has happened with several of his coworkers as well. You just don't get days off.

In my case, I only have my mom on my side. Yes, I have cousins and stuff, but no siblings and my father died 11 years ago, followed by my grandparents. So I have my mom, that's it. And she works full time, including many weekends. She lives 4 hours away by car, but she's older and doesn't like driving along all that way so she takes the train. That costs over $200 roundtrip.

My husband's family lives even further away, in New Orleans (we're in Washington, DC). So they would have to fly here, meaning at least $200 roundtrip. They all work as well, and would likely have to take time off as I am sure I would need to leave a day before the wedding and come home the day after, given that it is a 6 hours drive. So if the wedding is Saturday, they need to be here Friday. If it's a Sunday night wedding, I won't be home till Monday as it is not realistic to expect to drive 6 hours starting at say, 11pm, after being at a wedding all day.

But let's say one of them is free and can make the trip. I now have to tack on at least $200 for their travel, as I can't expect them to pay for it. Adding that to the cost of my drive, own lodging, gift, kinda makes it tough.

Now, if I had a lot more income, it wouldn't be an issue, but that's not the case at the moment and it may not be for the OP.

 

[ReneeA]

My point is that there are many many more options available here. I think if you really wanted to go, you could find a way.

I have asked family members to come to VT, from PA, to watch my kids overnight so I could attend an event that I really wanted to go to. I would only call in those kinds of favors when the event was very important to me, though. An out of town wedding for a cousin might not be important enough in my book.

Not everyone has that option available to them.

My family lives 300 miles away. I left home 15 years ago and they have visited me in my home exactly twice. I take lots of time to go home to visit them, but they don't like to travel, so they don't. I would be laughed out the door and back home if I asked them to come down to babysit while I did something I wanted to do.

So, we have missed big events like out of town weddings that don't invite children as well. I may hire a babysitter that I know really, really well in my home for a few hours, but I have absolutely no one that I could pack up and take with me or leave my kids with overnight.

I would think it was a common issue for people!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Seriously though at $150.00 a plate, how many people do you invite? Are weddings $100,000 ? I'm sorry but its nuts. Its might be your way over there in NJ, but to pay $100,000 is unimaginable, at least to me.

How do people afford it, seriously?

We save. We had 130 people at ours. I am in LI and it really is the norm here. It didn't cost $100,000 but it was expensive. That is only for the hall and the food/liquor. Everything else is extra. It has always been that way here so that is what we are used to. We don't think it is hoity toity at all. That's just what we are used to.

 

[MELSMICE]

I know I said sent out, but they were actually emailed to us. It didn't specify if it was just my husband and I or family since it came to my email address.

If she's sending things via e-mail I wouldn't consider it a hoity toity event. JMO!

 

[mickeyboat]

Not everyone has that option available to them.

Maybe the other cousin who has kids and who says she won't be going can take turns with the OP watching the kids in a hotel room - or someone who might not want to stay late at the wedding could take a turn. Then each person could attend some of the wedding celebration, and the OP could still vacation at the beach with her family.

I know we have this debate on the DIS all the time, but while you think it might be common that people don't have anyone to leave their kids with overnight, I think it would be the opposite.

Don't think that I have an abundance of family and friends clammoring to watch my kids, I don't. But if there was an emergency, or a very important occasion, you can bet there would be more than one place I could call in a pinch where my kids could stay overnight. I have made a concerted effort to make sure of that.

Denae

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

If she's sending things via e-mail I wouldn't consider it a hoity toity event. JMO!

There's only a few of us out of state, me and my family, my mom, and 2 cousins and their families. Every one else is local. Not sure if we were the only ones who got emails or if she sent them to everyone.

It wasn't an offical one like I have received before. It was a : here's our wedding date, it will be here and here, hotel accomodations will be provided at a later date. Hope you can make it, we really want you there. etc etc. something like that.