How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[Mouse House Mama]

See the $125 is just as out of line as the $62.50 would be. I guess the bride and groom feel they will get just as much of a cash gift for the $250 as they get for the $250 + kids.

I don't really understand this but if you are implying that people have expensive receptions to get gifts then you are wrong. That is the average price of a meal at any local catering hall here. That is what we paid pp 8 years ago. If you arenot impying that then I apologize.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't really understand this but if you are implying that people have expensive receptions to get gifts then you are wrong. That is the average price of a meal at any local catering hall here. That is what we paid pp 8 years ago. If you arenot impying that then I apologize.

Don't bother - those in other areas just don't get it. And it's not even about cost - most NY/NJ weddings aren't appropriate for children, period. They are formal, adult events. My cousin wanted his niece and nephews to be in his wedding, plus come to part of the reception - I've never seen such miserable kids in my life. It was a high-end Long Island evening reception.

 

[justhat]

I can see your point, which really has nothing to do with inviting kids, I think. You're just annoyed that you didn't know in advance and had already made plans to attend. I would be too. In fact, I was as something similar happened to me.

When my daughter was 2yo and I was 32 weeks pregnant with my son, we were invited to go to an out of state wedding for my husband's friend. In fact, he was supposed to be in the wedding. Then we got the invitation that said no kids. Uh, okay, now what? Both of our families live out of state and work full time so they are not options, and we were not about to leave her with strangers in a different city (strangers we would have had to find on our own as the bride and groom didn't have any sitters planned). The whole wedding was thrown together pretty fast (initially planned for December, then moved up to July) so as it turned out my husband was unable to get the time off from work (it was also a Friday wedding, making it more challenging) so we couldn't go, but we would have had no one to watch my daughter.

Oh, and I get your husband not being able to watch the kids. My husband is a resident physician. He works 80 hours a week, including late calls (which can mean 3am) and overnight calls. He stays at the hospital when on call, he cannot come home. Though we have a babysitter, she's a college student and simply can't stay here till 3am and then walk a couple of blocks to get a cab home.

My husband cannot take days off. Ever. He gets 4 days off each month and 3 vacation weeks each year. The days off each month are based on how many hours you have worked each week (to keep it at the 80 hours maximum), not something you can request. The 3 vacations weeks are 'requests' that you have to put in a year in advance. Everyone's requests are then pooled and you are assigned weeks based on your requests. Sometimes you get them, sometimes you don't. So telling him to take off a day for the wedding would be met with a laugh.

 

[okeydokey]

It's certainly her choice to have a kid free wedding but she should not be the least surprised that you and others will not go. I wouldn't feel bad at all to tell her sorry it won't work out for us, but congrats.

 

[MushyMushy]

Don't bother - those in other areas just don't get it. And it's not even about cost - most NY/NJ weddings aren't appropriate for children, period. They are formal, adult events. My cousin wanted his niece and nephews to be in his wedding, plus come to part of the reception - I've never seen such miserable kids in my life. It was a high-end Long Island evening reception.

You're right. I really don't get it. I don't think I ever will get why a wedding has to be a big overblown production.

I do think, however, that if people in those areas would quit paying those outrageous prices, then the venues would have no other choice but to change their ways.

BTW, I've been to quite a few NJ weddings that weren't over the top like that. These family members made do with smaller, less fancy halls. They were still very nice weddings and the meals were fantastic.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Don't bother - those in other areas just don't get it. And it's not even about cost - most NY/NJ weddings aren't appropriate for children, period. They are formal, adult events. My cousin wanted his niece and nephews to be in his wedding, plus come to part of the reception - I've never seen such miserable kids in my life. It was a high-end Long Island evening reception.

This is true. We are in Long Island. The wedding capital!
I will say though that my kids have gone to 2 weddings. They had a ball. We did not have kids at our wedding. If I had nieces and nephews at the time then I would have invited them but that's it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You're right. I really don't get it. I don't think I ever will get why a wedding has to be a big overblown production.

I do think, however, that if people in those areas would quit paying those outrageous prices, then the venues would have no other choice but to change their ways. BTW, I've been to quite a few NJ weddings that weren't over the top like that. These family members made do with smaller, less fancy halls. They were still very nice weddings and the meals were fantastic.

So what do we tell the catering halls? Sorry but I only want to pau $12.50 a person? Where would you have your wedding? In your backyard or home? Although that sounds nice, very few areas have huge pieces of property that their houses are on. The cost to have what you need for a backyard wedding isn't really cheaper than a hall. We had 130 people. They weren't random strangers. They were close friends and family. We wanted each of those people o be there because they were important to us.
In theory it sounds great to not pay high prices but that doesn't leave many options here.

 

[justhat]

Don't bother - those in other areas just don't get it. And it's not even about cost - most NY/NJ weddings aren't appropriate for children, period. They are formal, adult events. My cousin wanted his niece and nephews to be in his wedding, plus come to part of the reception - I've never seen such miserable kids in my life. It was a high-end Long Island evening reception.

I am from NJ and was married there. The reception site was $170/plate. We had kids. Not every kid in our extended family/friends, but any kids who were out of state were invited, all kids of bridal party members were invited, and kids we were close to. They had a great time, despite the fact that the church ceremony started at 3:30 and the reception was 6pm-midnight. It was a long day but not one child cried, was bored, wanted to leave, etc. They danced, ran around with each other, played, etc. And none of the adults cared or even noticed.

Maybe it was because I had my own 3 month old daughter at the time so I was aware of people not wanting to leave babies/kids with sitters (or strangers in the case of the out of state guests) for at least 10 hours, but I never considered making a blanket no kids rule for absolutely all guests.

ETA: Not to say that I have a problem with that, if people don't want any kids. That is fine with me. But I just don't think it is fair to say all kids will be miserable, unhappy, bored, etc. Some will, some will enjoy it.

Also, you have to expect many out of towners not to attend. It is unrealistic to expect people to get overnight sitters, etc. for you (not you, but you know, the bride/groom). Aside from leaving your kids for an extended period, it is a large expense, in addition to travel, hotels, and a gift. To expect people to leave their kids and do all of that for you, and be annoyed when they can't/won't, is pretty self-centered IMO.

 

[MushyMushy]

So what do we tell the catering halls? Sorry but I only want to pau $12.50 a person? Where would you have your wedding? In your backyard or home? Although that sounds nice, very few areas have huge pieces of property that their houses are on. The cost to have what you need for a backyard wedding isn't really cheaper than a hall. We had 130 people. They weren't random strangers. They were close friends and family. We wanted each of those people o be there because they were important to us.
In theory it sounds great to not pay high prices but that doesn't leave many options here.

I don't think it has to be either a fancy hall or home/backyard. What about a firehall? Some type of club (like an Elks or Lions)? A hotel? Moving the wedding to a smaller town where prices are reasonable? Having caterers come from out of town? Preparing your own food?

I'm honestly not trying to be dense, but is none of that truly possible in NJ or NY?

I've been to many very lovely, dignified wedding receptions at all of the above.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't think it has to be either a fancy hall or home/backyard. What about a firehall? Some type of club (like an Elks or Lions)? A hotel? Moving the wedding to a smaller town where prices are reasonable? Having caterers come from out of town? Preparing your own food?

I'm honestly not trying to be dense, but is none of that truly possible in NJ or NY?

I've been to many very lovely, dignified wedding receptions at all of the above.

A lot of us don't want to have a wedding at the Elks Club. Some people enjoy lavish affairs, especially a once in a lifetime event like a wedding. Many who have these types of weddings can afford it, many people enjoy adult-only events, and these same people are probably NOT upset that someone can't make it because of childcare.

Even simple weddings will cost more here than other places - we have a very high COL. Homes cost more, services cost more, restaurants cost more, hotel rooms cost more....

 

[justhat]

I don't think it has to be either a fancy hall or home/backyard. What about a firehall? Some type of club (like an Elks or Lions)? A hotel? Moving the wedding to a smaller town where prices are reasonable? Having caterers come from out of town? Preparing your own food?

I'm honestly not trying to be dense, but is none of that truly possible in NJ or NY?

I've been to many very lovely, dignified wedding receptions at all of the above.

Some firehalls can be rented out, and some of those Elks Club type places too. I've been to several NJ weddings in those locations and they were just fine.

Hotels cost the same as a receptional hall. Prices can range. They are not all $150/person. Some are $50/person, some $300/person.

Most places I know of do not allow outside catering. The firehalls and such do, but if someone wants the atmosphere of a hotel banquet room/reception hall, then you're stuck paying their prices. I know for my wedding it was inclusive of room and food, one set fee per person.

Also, many places only allow food from 'certified kitchens', so that excludes making your own food or having relatives/friends cook.

 

[JoBird]

OP-- could you still plan on attending the wedding-- but ONLY slip in at the last second to the ceremony- with the kids in tow, sit on the very back pew and slip out if the kids become unruly-- and then not attend the reception but just go on to the beach instead?

If it were me, and it was important to me that I be there, I wouldn't give a flip about attending the reception, but would be hurt if I couldn't at least attend the ceremony.
You could tell the Bride what you'll be doing.

Chances are- she won't even realize you're there on the back row. And then before heading out- once the ceremony is over and they're waiting to take pics (Which takes forever- so you'd have a few moments to grab her-) give her a hug, wish her well and then off you go-- to enjoy your vacation.

Problem solved.

Jo



PS- I should say that this is coming form a true "Wedding Crasher"--- my Mom and I have been known to "slip in" to quite a few wedding ceremonies where we didn't even know the people getting married, lol.

 

[Fintastic]

It's the bride and groom's choice whether to invite kids or not. That said, they have to understand that a lot of people won't come if their kids aren't invited, particularly to an out-of-town wedding. I would attend a local kid-free wedding with no problem, but I would decline an out-of-town wedding if I had to leave the kids behind. I'd rather use that money to do something fun the whole family could participate in.

 

[Scurvy]

OP-- could you still plan on attending the wedding-- but ONLY slip in at the last second to the ceremony- with the kids in tow, sit on the very back pew and slip out if the kids become unruly-- and then not attend the reception but just go on to the beach instead?

You could tell the Bride what you'll be doing.

Please don't do this. It really is rude to bring an uninvited guest to an event to which you are invited. You know the wishes of the couple. Either go to the wedding or don't go, but don't go and take your children when you know that the hosts do not want them there.

 

[MushyMushy]

A lot of us don't want to have a wedding at the Elks Club. Some people enjoy lavish affairs, especially a once in a lifetime event like a wedding. Many who have these types of weddings can afford it, many people enjoy adult-only events, and these same people are probably NOT upset that someone can't make it because of childcare.

Even simple weddings will cost more here than other places - we have a very high COL. Homes cost more, services cost more, restaurants cost more, hotel rooms cost more....

I'm well aware that people choose to have lavish weddings. I was responding to MHM, who said there weren't many options.

 

[mjkacmom]

Please don't do this. It really is rude to bring an uninvited guest to an event to which you are invited. You know the wishes of the couple. Either go to the wedding or don't go, but don't go and take your children when you know that the hosts do not want them there.

Is she getting married in a church? We're Catholic, and anyone can walk in off of the street and attend wedding ceremonies. Lots of times, people come to the ceremony, even if not invited to the reception.

 

[justhat]

Please don't do this. It really is rude to bring an uninvited guest to an event to which you are invited. You know the wishes of the couple. Either go to the wedding or don't go, but don't go and take your children when you know that the hosts do not want them there.

I actually thought that was a great alternative. The OP's kids are old enough to be quiet (from what I remember of her sig photos that is) so they wouldn't be noticed, and they would not be at the reception so there would be no cost to the bride.

My wedding ceremony ran later than expected and we had random churchgoers in there there (some with kids) and we appreciated their well wishes as we exited the church.

 

[Scurvy]

Is she getting married in a church? We're Catholic, and anyone can walk in off of the street and attend wedding ceremonies. Lots of times, people come to the ceremony, even if not invited to the reception.

I know that most churches are open to the public during all events, so if the wedding in the OP is in a church the original poster could technically take her kids - they couldn't be turned away. That doesn't mean it isn't rude, though. The original poster knows that the bride and groom do not want children present (because if they did, they would be inviting them) and so it would be rude to intentionally bring guests that the host does not want there to their wedding. It would be the same if the original poster wanted to bring the brides ex-boyfriend (with whom the bride has an ugly history) as her date. If the original poster had been invited to bring a guest then she could technically bring the ex - but it would be incredibly rude to do so.

And of course if the wedding is not in a church, or is in a church that is not always open to the public, then it's a moot point anyway. The only people who are welcome there are the people that the hosts have invited.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't think it has to be either a fancy hall or home/backyard. What about a firehall? Some type of club (like an Elks or Lions)? A hotel? Moving the wedding to a smaller town where prices are reasonable? Having caterers come from out of town? Preparing your own food?

I'm honestly not trying to be dense, but is none of that truly possible in NJ or NY?

I've been to many very lovely, dignified wedding receptions at all of the above.

Okay- I see what you are saying and I will try to answer this the best way I can.
Most firehalls here only rent to members. So that isn't always an option. The Elks/Lions clubs here reek of smoke. They are a private club and they allow smoking on the premise. I have been to them for different reasons and they stink like day old cigar. Not that I am being picky but I don't want to have any party (not just a wedding) in a place that stinks like smoke.

The hotels here charge the same price as the catering halls. Some charge even more than a catering hall. We don't have millions of hotels to chose from here. There is also no smaller town you can go to. It doesn't really matter what town you pick here. Weddings as a whole on LI are expensive. If you did chose to go say upstate NY where you might find a cheaper venue you then have to account for travel expenses with would not make it cost effective.

As for making the food yourself, that is not always cheaper. It is also a lot of work. I have cooked for parties of 100. Yep, just me. I have no problem with the cooking but on the day of the event you don't get to enjoy it because you are doing everything. That is not how I would want my wedding to be. I would want to enjoy it. I would also not want my families members to have to work my party either. You can hire a waitstaff but then again that costs money as well and you still have the venue issue.

Trust me. When DH and I planned our wedding we didn't want to sepnd a fortune. We could not find anywhere that was inexpensive (or rather less expensive) unless it was a total dump. We paid a fortune for our wedding (yes we paid) and we wouldn't change a thing. It was a great party and we had a ball!

 

[Amy&Dan]

My husband's cousin got married and there were no kids. We didn't attend. I couldn't find a sitter and just had nobody to watch them. This was a local wedding. I might add, that my kids were like 10 and 12 and I have to say they were sort of hurt. I mean they know this cousin well, love him and his (now) wife dearly. I can understand it, I mean its their party/wedding. I wasn't offended but I was sad for my kids. My daughter in particular was really wanting to go and see her first wedding. I might add we had no idea about this no kids thing until the invitationn arrived. We had talked about this wedding with them for months and it was never once mentioned. I remember a time going over to their house and the girl showing me and dd her dress and dd exclaiming how pretty it was and she coudln't wait to see it on her.

We thought about going and leaving the kids up in the hotel room during the event but decided against that. They were still a bit young to be left alone in a hotel room. So we didn't go and gave our apologies.

Now my cousin's daughter is getting married next month and my kids are invited and getting to do something as part of it (candles and guest book). They are so excited. I always told my husband my family was nicer than his!

OP: Enjoy having some extra money for WDW!