How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[torinsmom]

I understand you not wanting to leave your kids with a stranger, but it might be smart to start looking for a back-up babysitter and have them come to your house so the kids are familiar with them. God forbid something happens where it is an emergency and your family is out of town or part of said emergency. Just something to think about.

I don't blame people for not wanting kids at their weddings. Even older children can have a "moment" and ruin the mood of a very important event. And if a bride makes one exception, it will lead to hurt feelings for other people who didn't get the exception. I had kids in and at my wedding, but then I love kids. The ringbearer almost knocking down the arch we were standing under is one of my favorite parts of the video, LOL

Marsha

 

[tink_n_pooh]

I don't understand why people on either side of this issue always get their panties in a wad.

I don't have any problems with the couple having whatever kind of wedding they want.

However, an invitation is an invitation. It is not a command performance. If you don't invite the kids, some people won't come. Get over it. You can still have your lovely day and it will still be all about you. Its just that a few potential guests won't be there. They aren't doing it specifically to hurt your little feelings. It's just the way it works out.

And as for thinking they should have left the kids with relatives or found a babysitter, when you have kids of your own, you can decide those things. You don't get to make those decisions about other people's kids, so go back to stressing out over the bridesmaids' shoes or who to sit next to cranky Uncle Gus.

On the flip side, if you get the invitation, don't be offended if the kids aren't invited. When you throw the party, you get to decide on who is on the guest list.

Thanks you Pigeon!!

From some of the posts on here it looks like most people "assume" that a NJ wedding will not have any kids because it's going to be a big expensive deal... ok, whatever, then don't be surprised when you find out that kids are not invited.

I will say that most of the weddings around here (NJ) are big expensive shin-digs. My own wedding was well over $100 a plate (heck, you guys were talking about $50 being a big deal, that would be a bargain and a half!) and I had nearly 200 people but by the area standards it was nothing spectacular. And not having kids there is not always about the money either, some people enjoy adult time.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

I don't think it has to be either a fancy hall or home/backyard. What about a firehall? Some type of club (like an Elks or Lions)? A hotel? Moving the wedding to a smaller town where prices are reasonable? Having caterers come from out of town? Preparing your own food?

I'm honestly not trying to be dense, but is none of that truly possible in NJ or NY?

I've been to many very lovely, dignified wedding receptions at all of the above.

My brother had his wedding in NJ in a VFW hall, so did a few of my friends now that I am thinking about it. With all of the "other" stuff (like table linens, rentals, etc.) that they had to get the price per person still came to well above $75 pp and his was probably the "lowest key" wedding I have been to in a long time.

In NJ (and probably a lot of other places) there are so many rules, laws, and regulations - you can't just bring your own food to a hall most of the time, it has to be from an insured caterer. And forget liquor! You need a liquor license for that and it will cost a pretty penny as well. Hotels are mucho $$$ too. And anywhere that offers catering, you more or less have to use them as a caterer to use their facility.

And we live in one of the cheapest areas of NJ.

 

[MushyMushy]

Okay- I see what you are saying and I will try to answer this the best way I can.
Most firehalls here only rent to members. So that isn't always an option. The Elks/Lions clubs here reek of smoke. They are a private club and they allow smoking on the premise. I have been to them for different reasons and they stink like day old cigar. Not that I am being picky but I don't want to have any party (not just a wedding) in a place that stinks like smoke.

The hotels here charge the same price as the catering halls. Some charge even more than a catering hall. We don't have millions of hotels to chose from here. There is also no smaller town you can go to. It doesn't really matter what town you pick here. Weddings as a whole on LI are expensive. If you did chose to go say upstate NY where you might find a cheaper venue you then have to account for travel expenses with would not make it cost effective.

As for making the food yourself, that is not always cheaper. It is also a lot of work. I have cooked for parties of 100. Yep, just me. I have no problem with the cooking but on the day of the event you don't get to enjoy it because you are doing everything. That is not how I would want my wedding to be. I would want to enjoy it. I would also not want my families members to have to work my party either. You can hire a waitstaff but then again that costs money as well and you still have the venue issue.

Trust me. When DH and I planned our wedding we didn't want to sepnd a fortune. We could not find anywhere that was inexpensive (or rather less expensive) unless it was a total dump. We paid a fortune for our wedding (yes we paid) and we wouldn't change a thing. It was a great party and we had a ball!

Now that you mention being a member, most of the weddings I went to at the Elks & firehalls, they were members! On FIL's side, it was the Elks, and a lot of people on MIL's side were volunteer firemen.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

I would just politely decline the invitation, and go to the beach. Your cousin has the right to have the wedding she wants, and you have to right to skip it when it's inconvenient for you. But why miss the fun of the beach?

 

[Pakey]

OP, 2 of our 3 sons have married in recent years, both with lavish weddings, both had no children invited. One chose it for cost reasons ($75/plate) and the other chose it because they had a huge group of friends and wanted a party atmosphere with open bar at the reception which was inappropriate for minors. It is quite common here to not have children invited to weddings. We certainly were not offended by anyone who RSVP'd that they could not attend. I'm sure the bride will not be upset if you decline.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

A few options to consider:

Your DH can take a vacation day and watch the kids
You can start now breaking in a new babysitter ( you sound like you need one)
You can inquire at the reception hall about licensed area sitters


I live in NJ and would be hard pressed to find somewhere to do $50.00 pp. It is closer to 150.00 so I see her point. It is their day to invite who they want. It does seem to me that you are not looking for a solution, just looking to whine and moan.

Wow a little nasty aren't we. You know what your mother said, if you have nothing nice to say move on, I think you should have moved on.


But you are right the bride can invite who she wants to her hoity toity NJ wedding. We won't be there.

 

[5lilfish]

A few options to consider:

Your DH can take a vacation day and watch the kids
You can start now breaking in a new babysitter ( you sound like you need one)
You can inquire at the reception hall about licensed area sitters

...

It does seem to me that you are not looking for a solution, just looking to whine and moan.

I'm confused about many of the responses in this thread....I'm just choosing to respond to this one beecause it's currently toward the end of the thread and fits in with the rest.

1) The OP does not have lots of options. Just because these are options that you would be ok with, does not make them options for the OP. This isn't about getting a babysitter/family member to watch the kids, in their home, for a couple hours. Not everyone is comfortable going away without their kids....or they are only comfortable leaving them with family. DH has to work. I'm guessing if he didn't HAVE to work, he would not have planned on missing the wedding to begin with.

2) I had to go back and re-read the OP's post to be sure, but she made it VERY clear that she was not upset that the kids were not invited. She was upset (and not whining, IMO) that: (1) she had already made plans to go (thankfully refundable) and wished the Bride-to-Be had thought to mention this before (2) Bride-to-Be did not personally inform her but instead told her mom and cousin and left it to them to inform her. (3) OP seems more upset that people in the family may not understand, or agree with, her decision not to go because of child-care issues.

It seems to me that the OP does not have an issue with the wedding being 'No Kids' or with RSVP-ing, 'No.' The issue seems to be more about understanding her viewpoint/dilema and maybe wishing for a little more upfront consideration.

Jess

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Wow a little nasty aren't we. You know what your mother said, if you have nothing nice to say move on, I think you should have moved on.

But you are right the bride can invite who she wants to her hoity toity NJ wedding. We won't be there.

Come on now. Very pot meets kettle here.
I understand where you are coming from. The kids don't need to be invited but she should have let you know. Now you know. Send your regrets and do something else instead.
WDW is always a nice trip....I'm just sayin......

 

[Mrs.Toad]

My wedding ceremony ran later than expected and we had random churchgoers in there there (some with kids) and we appreciated their well wishes as we exited the church.

This reminds me. We were married in a garden at a hotel. We had a few hotel guests stop, watch the wedding and give us their best wishes as well. I thought it was nice.

To the OP, I agree you should have been told about the "no kids" policy sooner. That was very inconsiderate.

If you can't go, you can't go, but if it were me, I wouldn't let it interfere with the beach vacation. I'd still do that part.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Not sure why the irritation? It's completely clear you have absolutely no options available to you with respect to babysitters. You can't go to the wedding. Simple as that. When you finally do receive a formal written invitation, simply RSVP with regrets and send them a card and a gift.

The irritation is the people in this thread who just don't get it. Why keep suggesting the same thing over and over and I have to keep explaining why this isn't possible. I'm sure if you had to repeat the same thing over and over in a thread you would become a little irritated too.

I can see your point, which really has nothing to do with inviting kids, I think. You're just annoyed that you didn't know in advance and had already made plans to attend. I would be too. In fact, I was as something similar happened to me.

When my daughter was 2yo and I was 32 weeks pregnant with my son, we were invited to go to an out of state wedding for my husband's friend. In fact, he was supposed to be in the wedding. Then we got the invitation that said no kids. Uh, okay, now what? Both of our families live out of state and work full time so they are not options, and we were not about to leave her with strangers in a different city (strangers we would have had to find on our own as the bride and groom didn't have any sitters planned). The whole wedding was thrown together pretty fast (initially planned for December, then moved up to July) so as it turned out my husband was unable to get the time off from work (it was also a Friday wedding, making it more challenging) so we couldn't go, but we would have had no one to watch my daughter.

Oh, and I get your husband not being able to watch the kids. My husband is a resident physician. He works 80 hours a week, including late calls (which can mean 3am) and overnight calls. He stays at the hospital when on call, he cannot come home. Though we have a babysitter, she's a college student and simply can't stay here till 3am and then walk a couple of blocks to get a cab home.

My husband cannot take days off. Ever. He gets 4 days off each month and 3 vacation weeks each year. The days off each month are based on how many hours you have worked each week (to keep it at the 80 hours maximum), not something you can request. The 3 vacations weeks are 'requests' that you have to put in a year in advance. Everyone's requests are then pooled and you are assigned weeks based on your requests. Sometimes you get them, sometimes you don't. So telling him to take off a day for the wedding would be met with a laugh.

Ding Ding Ding Thank you Someone who finally gets it!

I'm confused about many of the responses in this thread....I'm just choosing to respond to this one beecause it's currently toward the end of the thread and fits in with the rest.

1) The OP does not have lots of options. Just because these are options that you would be ok with, does not make them options for the OP. This isn't about getting a babysitter/family member to watch the kids, in their home, for a couple hours. Not everyone is comfortable going away without their kids....or they are only comfortable leaving them with family. DH has to work. I'm guessing if he didn't HAVE to work, he would not have planned on missing the wedding to begin with.

2) I had to go back and re-read the OP's post to be sure, but she made it VERY clear that she was not upset that the kids were not invited. She was upset (and not whining, IMO) that: (1) she had already made plans to go (thankfully refundable) and wished the Bride-to-Be had thought to mention this before (2) Bride-to-Be did not personally inform her but instead told her mom and cousin and left it to them to inform her. (3) OP seems more upset that people in the family may not understand, or agree with, her decision not to go because of child-care issues.

It seems to me that the OP does not have an issue with the wedding being 'No Kids' or with RSVP-ing, 'No.' The issue seems to be more about understanding her viewpoint/dilema and maybe wishing for a little more upfront consideration.

Jess

Thank you to you too, another one who gets it!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Come on now. Very pot meets kettle here.
I understand where you are coming from. The kids don't need to be invited but she should have let you know. Now you know. Send your regrets and do something else instead.
WDW is always a nice trip....I'm just sayin......

What have I said that was nasty? Except the hoity toity wedding part? Its all the NJ people who keep saying that $150.00 a plate is average. What do you people do, take 2nd mortgages out for wedding? Like the rest of us are sub-par because we don't partake in this type of wedding activity.

I'm the one who people keep saying I'm bent out of shape and its the brides day. I never have said or even acted I was bent out of shape for the bride not inviting children. I was bent out of shape because she was well aware of the plans we already made to attend her wedding and it never occured to her to mention the kids wouldn't be invited.

I never said she couldn't invite who she wants, never ever did those words come out of my mouth. People turned my words around to make it seem that way, but isn't that par here.

Plus I wasn't moaning and whining, though one poster thinks so. Sorry it was nasty plain and simple.

 

[npmommie]

I don't blame people for not wanting kids at their weddings. Even older children can have a "moment" and ruin the mood of a very important event.
Marsha

LOL, adults can also have a "moment" and ruin the mood of an event.

 

[Scurvy]

What have I said that was nasty? Except the hoity toity wedding part? Its all the NJ people who keep saying that $150.00 a plate is average. What do you people do, take 2nd mortgages out for wedding? Like the rest of us are sub-par because we don't partake in this type of wedding activity.

I'm the one who people keep saying I'm bent out of shape and its the brides day. I never have said or even acted I was bent out of shape for the bride not inviting children. I was bent out of shape because she was well aware of the plans we already made to attend her wedding and it never occured to her to mention the kids wouldn't be invited.

I never said she couldn't invite who she wants, never ever did those words come out of my mouth. People turned my words around to make it seem that way, but isn't that par here.

Plus I wasn't moaning and whining, though one poster thinks so. Sorry it was nasty plain and simple.

I think you are reading too much into this. I haven't seen anyone suggest that those who spend less are sub-par.

I know you say that the bride was aware that you intended to bring your kids, but are you sure about that? Maybe she assumed that you would know kids weren't going to be included. Maybe she didn't include them on the save the date card and so it never occurred to her that you would think they were invited.

I definitely see why you are irritated, having to change your plans like this, but I don't know that it is anyones fault. It sound like you and/or the bride made assumptions that resulted in some confusion. It's just good that you realized the situation now rather than closer to the date of the wedding.

 

[mjkacmom]

What have I said that was nasty? Except the hoity toity wedding part? Its all the NJ people who keep saying that $150.00 a plate is average. What do you people do, take 2nd mortgages out for wedding? Like the rest of us are sub-par because we don't partake in this type of wedding activity.

I'm the one who people keep saying I'm bent out of shape and its the brides day. I never have said or even acted I was bent out of shape for the bride not inviting children. I was bent out of shape because she was well aware of the plans we already made to attend her wedding and it never occured to her to mention the kids wouldn't be invited.

I never said she couldn't invite who she wants, never ever did those words come out of my mouth. People turned my words around to make it seem that way, but isn't that par here.

Plus I wasn't moaning and whining, though one poster thinks so. Sorry it was nasty plain and simple.

People from this area don't look down on other regional weddings, but don't like having to justify ours. Calling our weddings hoity toity is not very respectful, IMHO. I didn't invite children to our wedding, and it would've never occurred to me to let everyone know well in advance, since children generally aren't invited - I attended my first wedding when I was 21.

 

[Stacerita]

OP, you should have been told sooner about the no kids. And then for them not to tell you personally is rude IMO. Make plans to do the beach side trip with your kids anyway.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What have I said that was nasty? Except the hoity toity wedding part? Its all the NJ people who keep saying that $150.00 a plate is average. What do you people do, take 2nd mortgages out for wedding? Like the rest of us are sub-par because we don't partake in this type of wedding activity.
I'm the one who people keep saying I'm bent out of shape and its the brides day. I never have said or even acted I was bent out of shape for the bride not inviting children. I was bent out of shape because she was well aware of the plans we already made to attend her wedding and it never occured to her to mention the kids wouldn't be invited.

I never said she couldn't invite who she wants, never ever did those words come out of my mouth. People turned my words around to make it seem that way, but isn't that par here.

Plus I wasn't moaning and whining, though one poster thinks so. Sorry it was nasty plain and simple.

No we don't take out a mortgage for our weddings. (well some do but we didn't )$150 a plate IS average. Nobody is saying that anything else is subpar. That is your own feelings. You making the hoity toity comment was rude. Nobody said that you must have a wedding like that or you are slumming. You however insinuated that because we have weddings this way that we are hoity toity. Neither are true.

FTR- I completely agreed with you if you look back. She should have said something to you. Maybe she thought you knew? Or maybe she didn't know how to say it? Either way, if she was very close to you she should have made sure you knew before you made travel plans. That was where she was wrong. I get the no babysitting thing as well as we are in the same boat. Some people think that babysitters are all clamoring for jobs. Not that there is anything wrong with hiring one but 1) it is not for us and 2) the kids that are old enough here have real jobs.
I don't think you were moaning, I think that it would be annoying since she never made it clear to you that the kids weren't invited.

 

[mickeyboat]

If I really wanted to go, I would find someone to watch the kids - neighbor, friends, kids' friends, in-laws, DH taking a day off of work, etc. It might not be an easy solution, but it would be possible, especially with several months to plan.

If I didn't really want to go, I would use the lack of someone to babysit as an excuse not to go. Not to sound nasty, but I think that is what the OP is doing here. That is perfectly o.k., it is the OP's choice whether or not to attend this wedding. She should send her regrets and not think any more of it.

Finally, I do think the bride was a little rude not to make it clear early on that children would not be included - especially for out of town guests and guests with children. I understand the OP's frustration.

Denae

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

People from this area don't look down on other regional weddings, but don't like having to justify ours. Calling our weddings hoity toity is not very respectful, IMHO. I didn't invite children to our wedding, and it would've never occurred to me to let everyone know well in advance, since children generally aren't invited - I attended my first wedding when I was 21.

Seriously though at $150.00 a plate, how many people do you invite? Are weddings $100,000 ? I'm sorry but its nuts. Its might be your way over there in NJ, but to pay $100,000 is unimaginable, at least to me.

How do people afford it, seriously?

 

[npmommie]

If I really wanted to go, I would find someone to watch the kids - neighbor, friends, kids' friends, in-laws, DH taking a day off of work, etc. It might not be an easy solution, but it would be possible, especially with several months to plan.

If I didn't really want to go, I would use the lack of someone to babysit as an excuse not to go. Not to sound nasty, but I think that is what the OP is doing here. That is perfectly o.k., it is the OP's choice whether or not to attend this wedding. She should send her regrets and not think any more of it.

Finally, I do think the bride was a little rude not to make it clear early on that children would not be included - especially for out of town guests and guests with children. I understand the OP's frustration.

Denae

Sometimes there just isnt' a solution. This is not a wedding in town, it is 6 hours away. If there is no sitter there is no sitter, I am sorry but I would never go out of town leaving my kids with a sitter unless it was family.
My kids are my priority and the most important thing to me. so if it doesn't work for me to go thats it, it is not an excuse it is reality. plain and simple.
op i get what you are saying. I would be saying the same thing if it were me. and I wouldn't go to an out of town wedding without the kids . period.

and fwiw, I have never been to a wedding without kids, Kids are part of the family and a wedding without them doesn't make sense to me. Its a celebration with family and kids are part of a family.