Home schooling for school phobia ? Need help

[mom2rb]

I don't know where you live but if you are in the Boston area there is a wonderful school called The Sudbury Valley School. They are in Farmingham. I have been to a workshop there and I would love to send my kids there.

 

[danacara]

At this point I think the school has to have documented at least some, if not all, of this, and they should be ready if not eager to talk alternative placement for your son. Your part in that is to start researching school options in your area - today - and go in to that meeting fully informed. I suspect that what you interpret as cost resistance to home tutoring is actually them saying to you that they need a formal diagnosis to proceed. I pick up strongly from this last page of posts that you want the school to provide you with home tutors, and honestly, that isn't going to cure him of the anxiety - he needs friends. If this anxiety is truly only school-based, and not general seperation anxiety, the remedy involves a nurturing environment where he feels like he has friends and is generally liked. My mother has made building this environment for anxious and learning-disabled kids her life: go to www.craigschool.org and see. There are schools just like this in Massachusetts, you should make it your mission to know what and where they are.

I am not a parent, so forgive me for asking if this seems insensitive, but if he decides that he can't make it to school one day, what are you doing with him? How is it that you haven't already been proceeding with informal home tutoring? Given that you are an active participant in his school (it sounds like you spend an hour plus there daily), and you clearly know his teachers and have access to his books, how has he dropped so far behind?

 

[Lachesis00]

I am going through this right now! My son is in the 7th grade. It's killing me. Joey says it's big crowds that bother him (I know he can't differentiate between a lot of sounds b/c of hearing loss)... The school is bigger but the class sizes are the same. AS it is, he only has to go 4 hours a day (the main core classes).

He's going to go on anti anxiety/depression meds b/c in the doctors and school councilor opinion it's really out of control. Just yesterday his current school asked me to have him switch schools... however his doctor says it is not a wise move.

Oh yeah, his doctor says home schooling for him is NOT a good idea... However try and MAKE a 6' 170 pound kid get out of bed... or for that matter go to bed (he will go to bed and lay in the dark for hours).
She thinks it stems back to being picked on by kids at his old school for years. Plus he held himself back a year and is he beyond mature for the kids in his current grade, he can't relate with them at all. PLUS stuff that went on back in Alaska within his extended family...


It's tearing me apart... and to be honest it is tearing him apart. His doctor says although it seems like we're taking steps back we've made a lot of progress. She says as a parent you have to be pro-active. I sure do not feel like it most days.

 

[flakypuff]

Wow the last 2 posts I need to get to..
danacara Thank you for the link... I will look into it as soon as I am done with this post. YES, I do not doubt that the school would be happy if I just went to another school.. They are getting a little fed up..... The doctor thinks that would not be a good idea because it may be too big of a change... If I were to do that who is to say it would be any better..he says the probem is not the "school" I bring all his work home everyday and then some. I do several hours everyday at home....it is not easy to have a young 9 year old sit at a table and have direct attention for more than 2-3 hours at a time. I have 2 other children too...this is my entire day it has become my life He is not way behind...his teacher says" he has missed so much school he is behind...she hasn't seen him more than 8 hours total.

Lachesis00 I feel for you. From the bottom of my heart I honestly do. You are so right..my son is smaller but 68 pounds isn't easy to carry. The school and the doctor told me the same thing" This is out of control" YA THINK???? What is it that everyone thinks I can do???I have tried and tried..... I think this is getting to me....

 

[flakypuff]

mom2rb I am not too far from there...maybe 45 minutes.

 

[totalia]

I doubt its fear of school thats causing the problem. More likely fear of being separated from his family or being in new situations or any other miriad things.

In fact, I've never heard of it before.

You may like to take him to a counsellor to have him properly diagnosed so you can actually deal with the REAL problem.

 

[chrissyk]

Originally posted by flakypuff
mom2rb I am not too far from there...maybe 45 minutes.

In which direction? My friend has her 2 kids in a private school in the NE/Central MA area that sounds absolutely wonderful and caring. They are thriving there and they both love it.

Also, I went to a HORRID private school in MA for elementary school. It is also in NE MA. If you are so much as considering a private school in this area, PLEASE PM me so I can tell you the name of this school. It was REALLY bad, and from what I've heard it hasn't changed.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I just saw this thread, otherwise I would have replied earlier.

Last year, One of my best friends DD's had this problem.



This is a real and VERY upsetting situation. With the family I know the dd was in 4th grade staight A student, Never a behavior problem. 2 Very loving involved parents. A great family and a delight of a child.

I have known her since she was 3. She started school in September and was fine. She did get a teacher who had a reputation of being ( mean) But a few weeks into school she had no complaints and said she infact liked her. Suddenly mid October she started getting lots of stomach aches. She would be fine once the school day had begun. up and walking around. By the next Am she was sick again. This went on for at least a week. She was looked at by the pedi. He ruled out appendix, gallbladder etcc.. Still she refused to go to school. by week 3. The school was acting as if she were truant. It got ugly! They would all go to school in the Am Mom, dad, and child and try to coax and cajole her into school. She looked awful was disheveld and crying. Mom and dad were beside themselves. The scene was so bad they would come 20 minutes after school started so noone would be around. They were mortified and so confused. It was so upsetting. BAck to the pedi who now sent her to a child therapist. 2 weeks of talking to the therapist still no closer to getting the child in the building. Then she was taken to a childrens shrink. Where finnaly he began to peice together what he believes caused a panic attack phobia situation for the child.

First the child that sits next to her threw up on his desk. ( YUCK) the kids were of course grossed out. And being so aware of social status at this age. very embarrassing for the sick child.
a few days later she was sleeping over her Aunts house 45 minutes away from Mom and came down with the bug, probably passed to her from the first child. She threw up all night in her Aunts house. Number one she wanted Mom, Number two she was mortified to get sick on Aunties rug.
Cut to 3 days later she goes back to school starts to feel a little sick panics because she is afraid she will get sick and be so embarrassed. Goes to the Nurses office to get sent home and someone is sick in the nurses office. all of those events set her up for a panic reaction. She honestly would be so worried she might get sick, her stomach would be sick. Plain and simple panic attack. There is no history of any panic attacks on either side of the family. Just like the perfect storm scenario it all just fell badly into line for her. Despite therapy, loving family and eventually the school understanding she was NOT a truant. She was put on anti anxiety medication. ANd after several months she went back to school. she was out October, november and most of December. She is back in school now this year no longer in any therapy, still on the medication. They will wean her off of it over the summmer.
ANd back to her adorable self.
Can you think of anything traumatic he may be thinking about? Any issues that may be causing him to worry? Its like dominoes look back to when it started and peice everything around that point together and see what you come up with.
Hugs to you, Its very upsetting and I have seen this situatiuon firsthand and seen it be resolved. So have faith it will be for you to. If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and I will do my best to try and answer you.

 

[phillybeth]

Originally posted by totalia
I doubt its fear of school thats causing the problem. More likely fear of being separated from his family or being in new situations or any other miriad things.

In fact, I've never heard of it before.

You may like to take him to a counsellor to have him properly diagnosed so you can actually deal with the REAL problem.

The OP's son IS in counseling. It doesn't work like snapping your fingers you know. And just because you've never heard of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

 

[disneymom3]

Well as a homeschooler with a child in counseling for anxiety, I say take him out of school. All of people's concerns about socialization are total nonsense. Ask homeschoolers the "socialization question" and we litereally laugh. My kids have so many opportunities to get together with different groups, it is insane. We have to block out time to be home to do school.

However, my DD went to public school for kindergarten. Not nearly as bad of symptoms as your son, but she had daily tummy aches, crying jags for no reason and on and on. End of the year came and she was a totally different child. In that year we had decided to homeschool because academically my DD was wasting her time at school. This was the best decision I have ever made for my child. Second only in decisions I have made in my life to marrying DH. Truly, there could have been nothing better for her. Throughout the last three years, her anxiety and depression have had peaks and valleys, but the fact that she is home with me in a supportive environment has meant the world. We also have been in a co-op for the last three years in which she has other moms as teachers. There have been from 6 to 10 kids in these classes and the moms are connected and aware of the challenges and strengths of each child and are able to nurture, support and challenge them where they need it.

I think what sometimes can get lost in the shuffle of life is that these are LITTLE kids we are talking about! Sometimes some of them are not able to handle things like the little adults people expect them to be. The message I try to send to DD is "It's okay if this is hard for you to handle right now. I am here for you and I am going to help you through it." They don't have to take on the world at 9! And helping them cope with what they are able to do actually prepares them better and gives them more confidence than just pushing them out of the nest unprepared.

My DD is in karate now. A good friend of hers that we met there also turned out to be a homeschooler. Her mom had taken her out of 5th grade because she was not eating, her hair was falling out and she just generally refused to go to school. Sounds a lot like your son. This little girl has been in karate since last April. When she started her whole face would turn red anytime the instructor spoke to her. A few weeks ago, she led the class in a series of moves at the graduation ceremony, without a hitch and with her head held high and a grin on her face. Her mom cried. AND she went back to public school this fall and it is going great. So, she had a chance to get out of the situation she couldn't handle, got involved in an activity that boosted her confidence and it made all of the difference.

However, I think you should just homeschool forever because it's so fun!!

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

 

[lsyorke]

All children are different and react to situations in different ways. Listen to your child,trust your gut,don't be pressured to do something that you aren't comfortable with. Give your child the time,love and support that he needs. Making him a "butt in the seat" in school where he is so uncomfortable does no good for him or for you.No one has died from missing time at school. School today isn't what it was when I was there. There are more alternative options that treat our children as individuals, and these options are becoming more mainstream. Sometimes we just have children that have different needs. Whether a permanent decision or a temporary one to get over a short term problem, it's still necessary to address it with our childs best interest at heart. Flaky, you know my feelings on this, but I just wanted to put it out there again.

 

[swilphil]

I personally don't think homeschooling is the answer for this situation, especially since you have reservations about it.

I think the best answer is to get him into a new school. After Christmas break would be a great time. If that's not possible, could you at least get him into a new classroom if there is a better teacher at his grade level?

It sounds like he was doing okay until his teacher last year took maternity leave. The vp definitely made the situation worse, so they should allow you a transfer just for that reason.

 

[Puffy2]

third grade is a hard time for kids in regular school and homeschool kids, but regular school is worse.

Personally, I wouldn't send my child to school crying every day - if I could do it, I'd homeschool the child.

By forcing them to go, I think that they learn that they have no control over their lives and it will foster a hopeless feeling. On the flip side, homeschooling is not "easy" - there is a lot of work required of the child, and you have to make an effort to keep them social (this could be homeschool groups, extra classes, play dates with other homeschoolers, karate class, gymnastics or other sports, teams, clubs, scouting, outside of regular school. ) If you do these extra things, the child will have plenty of social activity.

Anyone can homeschool for any reason - it's your decision, not the schools.

 

[flakypuff]

First of all thank you all of you what great posts..

twinmomplus2new What did your friend do while her DD was not in school those few months?"???'
swilphil Yes, the vp did make it worse. This is a key. He was having a seperation anxiety until the vp pulled him and yelled for me to leave. Now it is a full blown anxiety and panic attacks. The therpy was going well....we were teaching my son he was safe...then this happened he won't even listen to his counselor anymore and when me or my dh try to talk to him it as if he just zones out you can see it in his eyes. After months and he was starting to go now things are so much worse... Thanks lsyorke
Thanks phillybeth can you come to our next school meeting
Puffy2 Yes, you are right he feels like he doesn't have any control

 

[danacara]

Originally posted by flakypuff
First of all thank you all of you what great posts..

twinmomplus2new What did your friend do while her DD was not in school those few months?"???'
swilphil Yes, the vp did make it worse. This is a key. He was having a seperation anxiety until the vp pulled him and yelled for me to leave. Now it is a full blown anxiety and panic attacks. The therpy was going well....we were teaching my son he was safe...then this happened he won't even listen to his counselor anymore and when me or my dh try to talk to him it as if he just zones out you can see it in his eyes. After months and he was starting to go now things are so much worse... Thanks lsyorke
Thanks phillybeth can you come to our next school meeting
Puffy2 Yes, you are right he feels like he doesn't have any control

What have you decided to do? It's been two weeks since the first post, Christmas break is coming ... any decision?

 

[twinmomplus2new]

Actually they did talk about her getting a home tutor. You are in MA correct. If your childs situation is documented. Under 1066 No child left behind you are entitled to a tutor to come in and teach him at home until he is able to rejoin the classroom situation. I would not hoime school him yourself, you seem reticent to do so and frankly give yourself a break and a breather, you are entitled to these services. Take advantage of them for your sons sake.
You want to start getting all your ducks in a row. We are also in MA. (Cape Cod) get all your documentation together. And approach your superintendent and approach them on 1066 and your right to these services. Do you not detract from this this you are eligable. Stand firm because they will fight you every step.
If you can not get sufficent cooperation from your local school department. Then Call the Board Of Education. They are located in Malden MA and listed under 411. Sorry I do not have the number available.
My friends dd did not get any services or even work sent home her abscenses were medically excused through the local school board. Thankfully she is a very good student and just kind of caught right back up when she reentered. Like I said It was A LONG haul and not easy but she is ok! Still to this day, she goes in about 10 minutes later than all the other kids and mOm walks here to the front door. Lately if she is taken to the side door she will just go on in. This is a new developement after almost a year since it all started. I would not change his school I think that is opening him up to a whole new set of challenges. Noone Knows what happened in the situation I know about other than Family I think I am the only one. Everyone thought she had a bad case of Mono. There have been social repercusions for her. Good lUck an dhang tough. In the general scheme of things 3rd grade is not a big deal it's where he goes from here!

 

[flakypuff]

Thanks for the information. I looked up the number and plan on looking into the services.
It has been 2 weeks now. In some ways we are no closer to any answers.
Still my son will not go in the school. Me and my DH take his hand and pull and push to get him to get his mail from his mailbox in class. This is when we turn in his work and pick more up. This has been a real heart breaker. Am I doing the right thing...who really knows. He is embaressed when the other children look at him...I try to explain they may just be concerned about him but he feels like a "freak" (his words). It is so sad...very sad. this is a child that wants to be in school. Yes you understand "wants" to be in school. It is like someone being afraid of flying but wants to go on a trip and there is no other way to get there. I feel like I have been beated down. Unless we get his mental health better than we can just forget about the education. What is he getting from the school if he is not going into class or if he is spending the day outside crying a fearful.????He told me he misses the FUN stuff...he misses the kids....it is not a easy thing for anyone not him, mom, dad, sister or brother. Today I spoke to his conselor at school do you know what she told me.... "Don't make it fun for him at home. You shouldn't let him watch t.v. or play outside with his friends. If he is not in school he shouldn't be rewarded. He should be doing his school work the same hours that he would be in school.........
I want to SCREAM!!!!! HE CAN NOT CHOOSE THIS! IF HE COULD DO YOU THINK HE WOULD GO THROUGH THIS H>>>??? One minute they understand the next they don't. And so it goes on.....and here I am another night crying my eyes out

 

[Mimi Q]

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

 

[damo]

We've been through this and it really, really worried me. My son was in grade five when he was told he would have to switch schools because of a new school policy( we were out of the school's district) and not be able to go to grade six with his friends. He got so worried he started having panic attacks. Eventually it got straightened out that he would continue with the same kids but by then the damage was done. I figured that over the summer it would all go away and things would be fine. Nope. School started in the fall with a brand new teacher who decided my son was a trouble maker. He actually is very shy and being centered out by this new teacher brought back the panic attacks, the crying in the car, the sickness every morning and at bedtime. It absolutely broke my heart.

To make a long story short, it took about two months of deprogramming by the school social worker and then everything was fine. He has become a much, much stronger person through all of this and nothing bothers him now.

This happened five years ago. I'm glad we stuck to our guns and worked it out at school. He started out just going to certain classes and gradually added in the miserable teacher. By the end of the year, she realized how wrong she had been. He also had one teacher that he absolutely adored and he used her class as a refuge.

When he actually did have to change schools two years later, it didn't bother him in the least.

 

[flakypuff]

Thanks. Many children and families are dealing with this or have dealt with it. If nothing else I have found this out.
I spoke to the sp of schools today. He seemed a little put off by the idea that I would even consider homeschooling my son. He told me I have 2 choices...1) I can home school which would mean I completely take over all schooling for my child. I will be able to use school text books if I would like but that is were it would end. Any information or teaching materials are for me to get. Also, if my child needs any ot or reading intervention I will not be able to get it because "I" have chosen to do this myself. 2) I can keep him enroled in school and follow an iep plan. This way if my son needs any services to bring him up to level the school will provide this. However "If" the school provides any services it must be at the school they cannot send anyone to my house. His words were "We cannot create Public School at your home"...
Well, that sounds all well and good but like I told him..."I Can"T GET THOSE SERVICES IF I CAN"T GET HIM IN THE SCHOOL!"
Well, I think my options are getting clearer... I am waiting for all the testing to come back and then I am leaning to homeschooling...he may not get the best education out there...but he will get a lot of love and understanding..right now he is getting NOTHING at school.