Holiday blues...vent

[Malyficent]

I don't have much advice beyond what the other have said. One note - if you have a smart phone check to see if it has a Do Not Disturb setting. I have an iPhone and can schedule it so that calls and text messages are silenced. I've also told my parents, MIL, and sisters that I send all calls after a certain hour of the night. If it's an emergency they're to call twice in a row - that bypasses the DND setting and the phone will ring. It gives me the peace of mind to sleep at night, knowing if it were an emergency they can still reach me.

My mother is the main offender for me. Sunday night she tried to FaceTime me at 12:30am. What in the what? Go to sleep mom!

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

I'm sorry, this sounds exhausting.

For the dog, can you get him a ramp to get on / off sofa or bed? That way you don't have to worry about him jumping and injuring himself. I did a quick look at Amazon and they have tons of options.

 

[gotomu212]

Although my mom is the same age as yours I haven’t reached this stage with her, but I did watch my parents go through this.

Not to add on to your frustration, but if I could just maybe shed some light on your husband’s actions. He has probably spent years dreaming of an empty nest and thinking about all the fun activities he’d have time to enjoy. Instead of doing those things with his partner he’s having to sit home while you spend a lot of time, energy, and emotion caring for your mother who sounds like she could be managing some of this and is not appreciative. You’re then drained when it comes time for him. He sees it as prioritizing your mom over your marriage. Sometimes that’s necessary (during her knee surgery for example), but sometimes we take for granted that what we are doing comes at the expense of our loved ones.

I don’t say that to add to your stress. Maybe thinking about it from that perspective though will help you think about where you’re putting your limited time and energy and help set boundaries.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Your mom has the funds to have all of these things taken care of, but would rather have you leave your family and do them for her?

Then when you mention her flying down to you to make the holidays easier, she can't because her son that DOESN'T help her can't come too?

Your mom is manipulative. And to be honest, someone I would have a difficult time respecting.


Your mom should move to a property that she can take care of by herself. No yard. Low maintenance. What an incredibly selfish woman!

 

[lovin'fl]

I'm sorry, this sounds exhausting.

For the dog, can you get him a ramp to get on / off sofa or bed? That way you don't have to worry about him jumping and injuring himself. I did a quick look at Amazon and they have tons of options.

We bought him stairs and he would not use them. Wouldn't even let me pull him up to 'train' him on them. He is a stubborn terrier. Goes well with the rest of my crew. LOL

 

[Lilsia]

I have to respond to this for many reasons. One, I just told DH this on the car ride home (I can't do THIS for the next 15 years). Also, the marrying your father and you think we married our mothers...OMG, that was a light bulb comment. And true. My Dad (who passed away at 54) was nothing like my DH and I often wondered...I thought we tend to marry a guy like our dad but he is NOTHING like my dad. And, YES, he is a lot like my mom. He would vehemently deny that but, wow, it is true. He is very self absorbed like her and gets grumpy and snippy until he gets his way. He needs help to do anything (my dad was very handy and hard working, worked full time with stage 4 cancer up until he died). My mom never pumped her own gas until like age 54 after my dad died. But she has had to learn to do a lot on her own as she has been since age 54. She had 2 boyfriends and needed to go from one guy to the other and then when this last one got dumped she has been itching to have a new one (she did marry my dad at age 20 and never knew how to be alone). It's been about 3 years since she dumped the last guy and that's when all these troubles began. She had a new guy interested but he went after a younger lady instead. But DH, I have been the one to do any handy stuff and even did a lot of the yard care (in previous houses, here our HOA does it.

I also think my mom is super anxious about dying. Since my dad died suddenly of lung cancer at age 54. I think as each year passes she gets more anxious it could be her time. So every ailment and pain she goes to numerous doctors to find what is wrong and then there is a new one. I think she is terrified she'll let something go too long. YET, she is about 50 pounds over weight and eats terribly and refuses to change that. Says something like she'd rather go out happy to be enjoying what she likes. But it's not true since she is utterly terrified she is going to die. It's such a contradiction. And I think the extra weight and poor eating is leading to most, or all, of her health issues.

The brother issue. When I try to talk about it he gets kind of snarky with me that I don't work and we have money so I can do this stuff. He is a very different, um, thinker than I am. He has a store with a bar and makes no money but it's his life, his friends and fun to him. He didn't marry (has had long term live in, so technically common law wife). Never had kids. Never bought a home or even a vehicle. He's in the city and just living his best life. But thinks down on me and my DH because we took the, what's the term, maybe mainstream route. Got married and had kids. DH took demanding professional career to make money to support us nicely. Not a fun job that he would have rather had. We have good health insurance, brother has none. We go on nice vacations like WDW and cruises. So brother thinks I have to put in my time and money since I have more than he does. Kind of off thinking. Can't say too much more because it is politically based.

Tell your brother that your mom raised him, fed him, bathed him, took care of him when he was sick, just the same as you. This is NOT a job, it is caring for your mom. He is just as much responsible for her as you are. Ask him if he thinks that he is entitled to half of any inheritance that may come. I am sure he feels entitled to that. Caring for parents has zero to do with what kind of life a person lives. ALL of the children are responsible.

 

[VandVsmama]

Here's another totally different point of view to consider. I'm just offering this as something to think about.

In May of this year, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm 46. Found out that I also have the ATM gene mutation. So on my 13 yr old's actual birthday, I had a double mastectomy. And at the end of August, I had reconstructive surgery.

Let me tell you somethin', sister...there is nothing like getting the big C of cancer to help you get your head on straight about what is important in life. And you know what is NOT important? All of your mom's "I want's." Let's just go through the list right now briefly for fun:

1. "I want Thanksgiving and/or Xmas dinner at MY house. ONLY a home cooked meal, but not cooked by me."
2. "I want Thanksgiving/Xmas on THE actual day or it doesn't count."
3. "My Golden Child Son must be present at every holiday or it doesn't count."
4. "I want Golden Child Son to not be bothered with anything because he is more important than Daughter Who Doesn't Work."
5. "I am 'old' and entitled and I am the matriarch of this family, so I get to sit on my throne and dictate to everybody else as to what we will all be doing for every stinking holiday."
6. "I don't care that Daughter Who Doesn't Work also has an immediate family and ILs. None of them matter except for me. I want all to come and worship at the Throne of Grandma."
7. "I want to be given free holiday decorating services by Daughter Who Doesn't Work."
8. "I want to be given free garden maintenance and lawn services by Daughter Who Doesn't Work."
9. "I expect to be driven places and taken on errands whenever I want by Daughter Who Doesn't Work because I will always be more important than her."
10. "I want to be the #1 person in my kids' lives, but Golden Child Son gets a perpetual pass because he is more important than Daughter Who Doesn't Work."
11. "I want to die in this house of mine and I don't care if it kills Daughter Who Doesn't Work while she struggles to maintain it."

You get the idea.

You know what? I'd like a pony. But it doesn't always turn out that way. You know what else? I've been married for 24 years. For 24 years, I have been the chief cruise director in my extended family of in-laws. *I* have always ended up the one who had to coordinate all of the get-togethers, whose house it would be at, what we would do on each day, what we would eat, etc., etc. But once I was basically staring death in the face?

NONE OF THAT NONSENSE MATTERED!

Back in September, DH said to me, "So what's the plan for the holidays?" I put the question back on him. Here's what it went like:

DH: So what's the plan for the holidays?
me: I don't know. You tell me.
DH: Well, are we going to see my family?
me: That's for you to figure out. Call them and sort it out.
DH: Can't you do it?
me: Nope. I don't have any more spoons left to deal with that craziness. I'm recuperating from reconstructive surgery. I have no more _insert_swear_word_'s to give.
DH: So....are we staying here for the holidays?
me: If you don't figure something out with your relatives, yes.
DH: I don't want to deal with SIL, MIL, etc. for Xmas.
me: Ok, that's fine. We can do something else then. Just let me know so I can request the time off from work.

And that is how we ended up with super fun plans to spend this Xmas with dear friends instead.

When you're old and gray and on your death bed, you know what you're NOT going to be saying to yourself?
"Oh, I'm SO GLAD that I gave up ALL of that one-on-one time with my DH to mow my mom's lawn almost 3 hours away from home! I SURE DO MISS THOSE DAYS!"

You know what you'll be saying to yourself? "Why did I waste so much time and effort knocking myself out like that? Why didn't I spend more time with my husband, kids, etc.?"

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Here's another totally different point of view to consider. I'm just offering this as something to think about.

In May of this year, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm 46. Found out that I also have the ATM gene mutation. So on my 13 yr old's actual birthday, I had a double mastectomy. And at the end of August, I had reconstructive surgery.

Let me tell you somethin', sister...there is nothing like getting the big C of cancer to help you get your head on straight about what is important in life. And you know what is NOT important? All of your mom's "I want's." Let's just go through the list right now briefly for fun:

1. "I want Thanksgiving and/or Xmas dinner at MY house. ONLY a home cooked meal, but not cooked by me."
2. "I want Thanksgiving/Xmas on THE actual day or it doesn't count."
3. "My Golden Child Son must be present at every holiday or it doesn't count."
4. "I want Golden Child Son to not be bothered with anything because he is more important than Daughter Who Doesn't Work."
5. "I am 'old' and entitled and I am the matriarch of this family, so I get to sit on my throne and dictate to everybody else as to what we will all be doing for every stinking holiday."
6. "I don't care that Daughter Who Doesn't Work also has an immediate family and ILs. None of them matter except for me. I want all to come and worship at the Throne of Grandma."
7. "I want to be given free holiday decorating services by Daughter Who Doesn't Work."
8. "I want to be given free garden maintenance and lawn services by Daughter Who Doesn't Work."
9. "I expect to be driven places and taken on errands whenever I want by Daughter Who Doesn't Work because I will always be more important than her."
10. "I want to be the #1 person in my kids' lives, but Golden Child Son gets a perpetual pass because he is more important than Daughter Who Doesn't Work."
11. "I want to die in this house of mine and I don't care if it kills Daughter Who Doesn't Work while she struggles to maintain it."

You get the idea.

You know what? I'd like a pony. But it doesn't always turn out that way. You know what else? I've been married for 24 years. For 24 years, I have been the chief cruise director in my extended family of in-laws. *I* have always ended up the one who had to coordinate all of the get-togethers, whose house it would be at, what we would do on each day, what we would eat, etc., etc. But once I was basically staring death in the face?

NONE OF THAT NONSENSE MATTERED!

Back in September, DH said to me, "So what's the plan for the holidays?" I put the question back on him. Here's what it went like:

DH: So what's the plan for the holidays?
me: I don't know. You tell me.
DH: Well, are we going to see my family?
me: That's for you to figure out. Call them and sort it out.
DH: Can't you do it?
me: Nope. I don't have any more spoons left to deal with that craziness. I'm recuperating from reconstructive surgery. I have no more _insert_swear_word_'s to give.
DH: So....are we staying here for the holidays?
me: If you don't figure something out with your relatives, yes.
DH: I don't want to deal with SIL, MIL, etc. for Xmas.
me: Ok, that's fine. We can do something else then. Just let me know so I can request the time off from work.

And that is how we ended up with super fun plans to spend this Xmas with dear friends instead.

When you're old and gray and on your death bed, you know what you're NOT going to be saying to yourself?
"Oh, I'm SO GLAD that I gave up ALL of that one-on-one time with my DH to mow my mom's lawn almost 3 hours away from home! I SURE DO MISS THOSE DAYS!"

You know what you'll be saying to yourself? "Why did I waste so much time and effort knocking myself out like that? Why didn't I spend more time with my husband, kids, etc.?"

Congratulations on getting through that, from one Survivor to another!

 

[Pink Partridge]

Tell your brother that your mom raised him, fed him, bathed him, took care of him when he was sick, just the same as you. This is NOT a job, it is caring for your mom. He is just as much responsible for her as you are. Ask him if he thinks that he is entitled to half of any inheritance that may come. I am sure he feels entitled to that. Caring for parents has zero to do with what kind of life a person lives. ALL of the children are responsible.

I have to disagree here. Nobody should be responsible for a woman that can take care of herself. She is choosing to live in a home that requires her daughter to drive hours to tend to. I don't consider 71 to be elderly. But if the mother can't rake leaves? She either needs to pay someone to do it, or move to a property with no leaves.

This mother refused to pump her own gas. I don't do well with these types of people. She seems very accustomed to having servants, for lack of a better word. And she seems incredibly rude to expect her daughter to leave her home and children around the holidays. Only to tell said daughter that her house is too tiny, instead of taking her turn to travel.

It has nothing to do with a mother feeding her children when they were kids. You don't get to manipulate your grown children because you changed their diapers.

 

[belleatdisney]

FWIW I woke up feeling a bit guilty for bailing out on Christmas this year. Your post just lifted my guilt, thank you.

I just hosted Thanksgiving and my estranged (from me) siblings with their kids will be coming for Christmas. They will entertain my dad. I am the one seeing my dad frequently and helping whenever it is needed because I am the only one nearby. Frankly, I am exhausted and the holidays are nothing but a chore for me when we are home.

OP my opinion is you need to say no, set boundaries and take care of yourself and your immediate family (those who live with you and your dog). Easy for me to say, I get that.

 

[luvsJack]

For the dog—maybe I missed it but how does this dog wake you up to get on or off the bed/sofa? I have an old dog too. He can’t jump up anymore and I got really tired of the nightly getting up to get him up or down. I bought him a nice fluffy, warm bed that stays beside my bed. In the living room he has a blanket. It took a couple of days but he would whine to get up and I would tell him “no. Go lay down”. He finally learned to sleep on his pillow or blanket. I’m sorry, I love my dogs but they aren’t going to keep me up all night. If it came to it I would put him in a kennel in another room. I mean keep him safe but this wearing you down is ridiculous.

As for your Mom. Have you thought about what may really be going on? Is she lonely? Is she sad and missing the days of family holidays in her house (I don’t know what yall’s holidays of the past looked like so just throwing out suggestions here). Someone at a later age, who no longer has a spouse and perhaps siblings and friends who have also passed, it can be hard. Holidays are really hard but the day to day is too. My own Mom would get so sad when something needed fixing at her house because she would always say “if your Father was here, he would have gotten it fixed already”. That was my signal to send dh down to fix whatever it was. Yeah, she could have paid someone but it wasn’t about that. It was about knowing that someone cared enough to fix it. And some may have seen it as her “manipulating” but it wasn’t. She lost a lot when she lost my Dad and it was harder later in life. In the beginning she could fill her life with spending time with her sisters, going on trips, etc but as she got older the “aloneness” really set in.

Whether she is capable to do the things she is asking of you at 71 is really dependent on your mom and her health. 71 isn’t necessarily elederly but it can mean declining health.

Is there any possibility of having a family meeting with your mom, you, your brother and your dh? Deciding what mom can and can’t do by herself and what everyone can or can’t do to help and what can be hired to be done? And holidays.

If your brother can’t or won’t help, maybe hiring someone as a live in caretaker would help. Just someone to help around the house, take her to appointments, etc.

But the main thing is, you can’t keep doing all this alone and leaving your mom to her own devices may not be the solution either. So it’s up to her family to decide how to handle things.

 

[Searc]

For the dog—maybe I missed it but how does this dog wake you up to get on or off the bed/sofa? I have an old dog too. He can’t jump up anymore and I got really tired of the nightly getting up to get him up or down. I bought him a nice fluffy, warm bed that stays beside my bed. In the living room he has a blanket. It took a couple of days but he would whine to get up and I would tell him “no. Go lay down”. He finally learned to sleep on his pillow or blanket. I’m sorry, I love my dogs but they aren’t going to keep me up all night. If it came to it I would put him in a kennel in another room. I mean keep him safe but this wearing you down is ridiculous.

As for your Mom. Have you thought about what may really be going on? Is she lonely? Is she sad and missing the days of family holidays in her house (I don’t know what yall’s holidays of the past looked like so just throwing out suggestions here). Someone at a later age, who no longer has a spouse and perhaps siblings and friends who have also passed, it can be hard. Holidays are really hard but the day to day is too. My own Mom would get so sad when something needed fixing at her house because she would always say “if your Father was here, he would have gotten it fixed already”. That was my signal to send dh down to fix whatever it was. Yeah, she could have paid someone but it wasn’t about that. It was about knowing that someone cared enough to fix it. And some may have seen it as her “manipulating” but it wasn’t. She lost a lot when she lost my Dad and it was harder later in life. In the beginning she could fill her life with spending time with her sisters, going on trips, etc but as she got older the “aloneness” really set in.

Whether she is capable to do the things she is asking of you at 71 is really dependent on your mom and her health. 71 isn’t necessarily elederly but it can mean declining health.

Is there any possibility of having a family meeting with your mom, you, your brother and your dh? Deciding what mom can and can’t do by herself and what everyone can or can’t do to help and what can be hired to be done? And holidays.

If your brother can’t or won’t help, maybe hiring someone as a live in caretaker would help. Just someone to help around the house, take her to appointments, etc.

But the main thing is, you can’t keep doing all this alone and leaving your mom to her own devices may not be the solution either. So it’s up to her family to decide how to handle things.

It is up to her mother, not the OP, on how to handle things. She is a grown *** woman, of sound mind and with the financial means to have help. It isn't her children's responsibility to dictate what is going to happen in her life.

 

[lovin'fl]

For the dog—maybe I missed it but how does this dog wake you up to get on or off the bed/sofa? I have an old dog too. He can’t jump up anymore and I got really tired of the nightly getting up to get him up or down. I bought him a nice fluffy, warm bed that stays beside my bed. In the living room he has a blanket. It took a couple of days but he would whine to get up and I would tell him “no. Go lay down”. He finally learned to sleep on his pillow or blanket. I’m sorry, I love my dogs but they aren’t going to keep me up all night. If it came to it I would put him in a kennel in another room. I mean keep him safe but this wearing you down is ridiculous.

As for your Mom. Have you thought about what may really be going on? Is she lonely? Is she sad and missing the days of family holidays in her house (I don’t know what yall’s holidays of the past looked like so just throwing out suggestions here). Someone at a later age, who no longer has a spouse and perhaps siblings and friends who have also passed, it can be hard. Holidays are really hard but the day to day is too. My own Mom would get so sad when something needed fixing at her house because she would always say “if your Father was here, he would have gotten it fixed already”. That was my signal to send dh down to fix whatever it was. Yeah, she could have paid someone but it wasn’t about that. It was about knowing that someone cared enough to fix it. And some may have seen it as her “manipulating” but it wasn’t. She lost a lot when she lost my Dad and it was harder later in life. In the beginning she could fill her life with spending time with her sisters, going on trips, etc but as she got older the “aloneness” really set in.

Whether she is capable to do the things she is asking of you at 71 is really dependent on your mom and her health. 71 isn’t necessarily elederly but it can mean declining health.

Is there any possibility of having a family meeting with your mom, you, your brother and your dh? Deciding what mom can and can’t do by herself and what everyone can or can’t do to help and what can be hired to be done? And holidays.

If your brother can’t or won’t help, maybe hiring someone as a live in caretaker would help. Just someone to help around the house, take her to appointments, etc.

But the main thing is, you can’t keep doing all this alone and leaving your mom to her own devices may not be the solution either. So it’s up to her family to decide how to handle things.

The dog....he can't get on the bed. We, for a while, would lift him on it but then he'd jump down 30 mins later. Because he keeps having a disc issues in his back we stopped putting him on the bed. Don't want his jumping down to hurt his back. He has a dog bed in our bedroom and will lay in that and on the floor, he moves back and forth through the night. But the scratching on the side of bed in the wee hours, I have figured out, is from DH's loud snoring. When DH is away or when I have the dog with me at my mom's the dog sleeps through the night and doesn't get up until I do. Sometimes I will sleep in guest bedroom, with and without the dog, so as to get a straight night sleep. Last night it was 2:30am when the dog scratched the bed. I brought him to the living room, like usual, and laid on sofa and he laid in his dog bed he has out here (we have 3 beds in various rooms). He can jump on sofa after several tries but I now have pillows and blankets blocking the edges so he won't jump. The dog might have dementia too. That may be part of it because sometimes he will get up in middle of night and leave the room for a drink or to just wander the house or even scratch to go outside (he is also nearly blind and I think he has day and night mixed as he sleeps hard during the day). I have posted in the various dog threads about him as it's been an ongoing problem. I keep thinking his days are numbered and then he bounces back. So who knows...maybe he will live to 16.

The part you said about my mom. Yes, she is lonely. She moved from family home to being married to my dad at age 20 and never knew how to be alone. After she grieved my dad, about 18 months later, she was on the hunt for a boyfriend and has had 2 long term and a couple short term. This past few years, which also coincided with me moving away, she has not had a boyfriend. I think she works her little side job for some social aspect as she doesn't need to work and it is a kind of far drive and early start time (like 35 min drive and like 7am start). She has been going to a lot of doctors for her ailments (like a couple a week....it's always something) and we started to wonder if this too was for some attention. I think it's 2 part...one is she is terrified that she'll have a sudden death kinda like my dad and two is she gets attention from people (the doctors and from me). And having arthritis but not being able to take ibuprofin (she is on blood thinner for A Fib) is painful for her. I, myself, am starting to have the joint pains so I can't imagine not being able to take ibuprofin.

And she does say 'if your father was here...' all the time. He was not only handy but he built a 2 story garage, decks, finished basements, put up fences, made gardens....he could do any repairs. He maintained the cars. He dealt with people, like when buying a car or disputing some bill or something. So she's had to figure all this out on her own, as an older person not being used to doing these things. I do commend her for having to do that. She has bought a few cars on her own, hired companies to renovate her house, dealt with insurance issues and the such. She goes on trips with friends as a solo. I took her to HHI this past Aug and she did drive down to me to go. When my dad first died, we lived 2 hours from her and she drove herself to visit and got lost and was anxious and came in 4 hours later all a mess and in tears. For 34 years she had relied on my dad to drive and navigate. Now she can drive 5.5 hours to me (she won't do it often, and maybe only to go to HHI which she LOVES).

She has had to learn to do all these things for herself. And for years I didn't do much, if anything, to help. She even worked full time for many years after my dad died. But her knees went out (she got really heavy), I moved away and she dumped the boyfriend all around the same time (2-3 years ago). This summer I didn't do her yard care...she did it herself (DDs and I may have done it once when up there but I wasn't driving up every week to do it, no way). And when I was just up for Thanksgiving we (my DD) drug her fake tree up from the basement but didn't set it up. I did do the decorating last year (just inside decor, never outdoor). I know she would have liked me to set it up but I wasn't about to. She doesn't really ask me to do these things for her (well, she did at first and then I lost it with her one day and now she won't ask outright). She does a passive aggressive thing, like "you don't have to do this, I am not asking you...BUT...I need X" and if I don't do it she might snark about it later.

It really is all my own fault as I should just shrug and not do it. But I don't mind doing some stuff and helping when I can. I actually would love to help more...but on my time (without being dictated to, like the Thanksgiving meal) and without the horrible drive to get there (nothing I can do about that). And I am having to go up there a lot due to it being the halfway point for DDs and all our other family is up there (we have to go back for various family events like so-and-so's anniversary party and the such...don't HAVE to but we then also visit with our DDs who drive down from college and I can help my mom...and if we have a couple events over a 2 week period I will just stay 2 weeks...like I have to figure out here at the end of the month if I am doing that...when I stay 2 weeks I can run my mom on her errands and take her to her doctor appts which then I can hear what's going on firsthand...and I do end up doing some chores too). When we moved, and DDs went off to college, my mom finished her basement (full bathroom, mini kitchen, room with TV and 2 pull out sofas). So we do have a nice space there. Though I detest the 2 little pull outs.

I just want calmer though and it's not with all this running. And DH pushes all the running because he himself can't sit still. DDs graduate one year from now so there is a light at the end of that tunnel (unless they stay up there, which is prob about 60% likely). Past 24 hours they have been blowing up my phone...fighting with each other and moaning to me about it (they live off campus in a house together with 2 other people). Le sigh!

 

[CdnCarrie]

What is HHI?

 

[lovin'fl]

What is HHI?

Hilton Head Island. We have DVC points there and go a few times a year. It's also a 5.5 hour drive from our home.

 

[Lilsia]

I have to disagree here. Nobody should be responsible for a woman that can take care of herself. She is choosing to live in a home that requires her daughter to drive hours to tend to. I don't consider 71 to be elderly. But if the mother can't rake leaves? She either needs to pay someone to do it, or move to a property with no leaves.

This mother refused to pump her own gas. I don't do well with these types of people. She seems very accustomed to having servants, for lack of a better word. And she seems incredibly rude to expect her daughter to leave her home and children around the holidays. Only to tell said daughter that her house is too tiny, instead of taking her turn to travel.

It has nothing to do with a mother feeding her children when they were kids. You don't get to manipulate your grown children because you changed their diapers.

I understand, but there are some things that elder parents do need help with and that only increases with time. Most of the stuff now can be dealt with by the mom, but the brother still needs to put in his fair share of helping. I can't always just be put on the OP. We are going through this with my grandmother. My mom was an only child and died over a decade ago. My brother visits when he so chooses and does nothing else to help my grandmother but expects me to do all of the shopping, cleaning, bills, doctor visits, medicine, etc. All because I have a ******. I work full time and have children at home, just like he does. So it should be 50/50. We finally put her in a care facility because she needed 24 hour care. The weight that came of me was tremendous. There were so many times that I missed out on being with my family because of my grandma and my brother missed nothing. These siblings need to get their heads out of their behinds and SEE what stress this causes. I hate my brother because of it.

 

[Searc]

I just want calmer though and it's not with all this running. And DH pushes all the running because he himself can't sit still. DDs graduate one year from now so there is a light at the end of that tunnel (unless they stay up there, which is prob about 60% likely). Past 24 hours they have been blowing up my phone...fighting with each other and moaning to me about it (they live off campus in a house together with 2 other people). Le sigh!

Ok, here's where you take your first stand. You tell them you don't want to hear about it and they need to work it out. Done, the end. Don't respond, because they will keep badgering you about becoming involved. Keep repeating WORK IT OUT.

I have zero tolerance for other people's drama they try to drag me into. Nope, I've got enough crap on my plate to worry about, figure out your own.

 

[mom2rtk]

What is HHI?

Hilton Head Island. So if it's the only way she can get to a vacation destination she loves, she can do it.

 

[VandVsmama]

I actually would love to help more...but on my time (without being dictated to, like the Thanksgiving meal) and without the horrible drive to get there (nothing I can do about that). And I am having to go up there a lot due to it being the halfway point for DDs and all our other family is up there (we have to go back for various family events like so-and-so's anniversary party and the such...don't HAVE to but we then also visit with our DDs who drive down from college and I can help my mom...and if we have a couple events over a 2 week period I will just stay 2 weeks...like I have to figure out here at the end of the month if I am doing that...when I stay 2 weeks I can run my mom on her errands and take her to her doctor appts which then I can hear what's going on firsthand...and I do end up doing some chores too). When we moved, and DDs went off to college, my mom finished her basement (full bathroom, mini kitchen, room with TV and 2 pull out sofas). So we do have a nice space there. Though I detest the 2 little pull outs.

You need to choose between the paragraph above and the one below.

I just want calmer though and it's not with all this running. And DH pushes all the running because he himself can't sit still. DDs graduate one year from now so there is a light at the end of that tunnel (unless they stay up there, which is prob about 60% likely). Past 24 hours they have been blowing up my phone...fighting with each other and moaning to me about it (they live off campus in a house together with 2 other people). Le sigh!

You can't have it both ways. You either want a simpler life or you don't. In the 1st paragraph I quoted above, to my untrained eye, it all honestly just sounds like you trying to justify why staying at your mom's for 2 weeks is a good idea. You say that you're tired of having to help her so much, but then you also say that you don't mind helping her.

Which is it?

Your mom isn't an invalid. I mean, she can still drive herself places, right? My MIL legally isn't allowed to drive anymore so she HAS to rely on others to take her places for everything...totally different situation.

For example, what are the errands that your mom can't take herself to? If they're doctor appointments, why can't she drive herself or why can't she arrange for a ride?

Is the real reason for the justifying you staying 2 weeks at a stretch with your mom is because you're tired of listening to her passive-aggressive hinting around? No offense, but you're a grown woman and you're married. There's no reason why you HAVE to be staying for weeks at a time at your mom's. Go live with your husband!

I'm sorry to hear about your dog. It sounds like he's getting up in years and that can be pretty hard.

Why can't your college student kids figure out on their own how to get home for the holidays? No time like the present to learn how.

 

[cabanafrau]

That's an awful lot of overflow for one person's plate. I do think it's high time to set limits and have a few come to Jesus discussions.