Holiday blues...vent

[Searc]

Oh and about your kids texting you late, I flat out told my DD to stop texting me between the hours of 10pm and 6am unless it was an emergency. I am sleeping and her texting me is disrupting my sleep and she needs to knock it off.

She's been good at following it too...until the other night when she called me at 1:30am sobbing because her guinea pig died.

 

[Searc]

Double post

 

[Pea-n-Me]

And, yes, I agree with you that they seem to have a phobia about spending a cent on services, even if they have the money, and it would make their lives easier. I try to tell myself that they don't have any dementia, so have to be allowed to be themselves, but that's not always easy....

DH and I both have parents who grew up during the Depression, two of whom were quite poor and disadvantaged, and that really drove their world view literally for the rest of their lives. They just can't fathom how much things cost today, and will dig their heels in and just say no. They also grew up with a different mindset in a lot of ways, too, where you didn't pay for services, you did them yourself!

As an example of the mindset, one day my mother gave my college-age DS a roll of pennies ($.50) saying she wanted to help him out a bit. He was standing there not really knowing what to say or do, lol. She used to give those to me when I was growing up and I loved them, as $.50 went a lot farther then than it does today. But to her, in her 90s, it still meant something. And she was quite lucid, too. (He still keeps the roll in his keepsake box.) FIL will argue with someone over a $.50 paperback book, he thinks it shouldn't be more than $.10, etc.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I feel for you OP! I can relate because I often fall into the trap of doing things for everyone but myself, then feeling resentful. In simple terms, it's time to take your life back! Decide what's really important and let the rest go. Helping your mom after knee surgery was a very kind thing to do. I spent a lot of time helping my parents this past year while my dad was having health problems. Now that he's gone, I can honestly say that I have no regrets about how much I did for him. I did as much as was humanly possible. This was important. Raking leaves, cooking huge meals, cleaning and otherwise trying to make everyone happy is not important.

I had to learn to give up control of things that other people can handle. For example, my college/actor son needs new headshots to apply for summer shows. My husband is involved in local theater and knows photographers who do headshots. They were both messaging me about packages and prices and how many poses, etc. they include. I told them to figure it out together and leave me out of it. I'm sure they are capable of making the decision. DS is 21 and can schedule his own photoshoot for when he's home during winter break. I don't need to be involved in the details. It's just one less thing on my plate.

Also, DH tends to be more social than me. If someone decides to throw a party, he feels compelled to be there. He has an extreme fear of missing out. I would rather stay home with my TV remote, blanket and bunny. For example, a bunch of his friends decided they need to see the new Star Wars movie on opening day. The only tickets they could get were for a theater over an hour away. It's going to be dark and cold and that's my last day of work before my winter break. I'm going to be tired. Both of our boys want to go. DH said I should really come too as "everyone" will be there. I said nope. Have fun. I'm sure you guys will want to see it a 2nd time and I'll go then when the crowds die down. So I'll get an evening at home with the bunny while they fight the parking and the crowds at the theater. Works for me.

Now that my 83-year old mom is alone, she has finally realized she needs house cleaners. They've been coming once a month to do the deep cleaning. She just cleans the kitchen daily, wipes bathroom counters, etc. She also has a gardening service that takes care of the lawn and the leaves. My parents had that for years. OP, perhaps your mom needs to hire out a few jobs. Perhaps a local teenager will rake her leaves for some extra money? Maybe she can occasionally have house cleaners come in? In terms of holiday meals, if you do end up at her house, bring a take-out meal. I've ordered entire turkey dinners from a restaurant. You just take it home and reheat it when you're ready to eat. Then you toss out the containers. No pots and pans to wash.

It's OK to downsize your life, make things simple and say no sometimes. It's taken me a long time to realize this, but it's definitely freed up a lot of my time. Good luck!

 

[HeatherC]

Hugs to you OP! I can totally relate. All I can say is...put your foot down. Really. Starting today. This weekend go nowhere and do nothing! The world will continue turning.

As far as the holidays, decide what you and your dh and kids really want to do. If it is stay home, do that. Invite your mom but be prepared for her to say no. That’s ok...really she is an adult. If she is mad or upset that is not your fault.

I honestly believe until we actually do something like actually saying no and sticking with it, nothing will change.

Seriously...spend the weekend in your pajamas. Have the kids text dad and go nowhere. Sometimes a small break like this can recharge you.

Good luck!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

lovin, I think that, given your circumstances, you might think about starting to guide your mother toward a retirement community where she can have most of the things that you are doing for her taken care of, so that way you can have quality time with her without breaking your back or feeling resentful. (Although it sounds like she'll probably still try to find things to keep you busy, which keeps you close.) Tell her the knee surgery was an eye opener for you, and going forward, it's pretty safe to say you can expect there will be lots of other issues like it, and that she needs to be somewhere where she can be taken care of when you can't physically be there. Trying to do it from five hours away just isn't going to work long term. You're fortunate it sounds like this is something she can afford, and there are lots of different types of communities. Talking to people it seems that one that has different levels of living, from independence to skilled care, might be a good option since she'd only have to move once.

It seems like somehow you think this is your lot in life because you stayed home. Anyone can clearly see that this is too much for you; for any one person. You don't seem to be the type to put your fist down, really (which is fine ), so it may be you have to work on your mindset and say that you can't sacrifice your own health here by keeping up with this madness, even if you got to stay home or didn't get to stay home, none of that matters at this point! I'm sure your family wants you around still so they need to understand how you're living in the danger zone! I've pulled the troops together many times when I'm feeling overwhelmed and we've tried to come up with a plan to help ease the burden. But you may have to drive the bus on it because if you don't, everyone thinks things are just fine. Start with small changes first. And make it a priority to start seeing what's out there for your Mom. Before you know it she'll be 75 and still making demands unless you get something going fairly soon. It's a big step, but once it's done, it feels better.

 

[lovin'fl]

I can relate on several counts. I just have a few things to add to the conversation.

I'm also caring for parents long distance - very difficult!!!

I can also relate strongly on the brother who lives closer staying uninvolved.

I hope you find this one amusing. People always say you marry your father (personality wise.) I married my mother. Though the details are different, it sounds like in a "high maintenance" in different kinds of ways, you did too!

I also want to add that, with your mom needing help starting so young, so may have a LOOOOONG road ahead. My parents are in their late 80's and I've only been doing intensive travel and care for the last 4 years. My parents refuse to move so they are now in a leveled care community, but I still have to travel for financial and emotional support and all drs. appointments and medical issues. I quit/"retired early" from my job 3 years ago because I have to travel to another state every two or three weeks.

It's easy to say to just stop, and I know I haven't been able to - but with your mom so young you really CAN'T do this for the next 15 years!

I have to respond to this for many reasons. One, I just told DH this on the car ride home (I can't do THIS for the next 15 years). Also, the marrying your father and you think we married our mothers...OMG, that was a light bulb comment. And true. My Dad (who passed away at 54) was nothing like my DH and I often wondered...I thought we tend to marry a guy like our dad but he is NOTHING like my dad. And, YES, he is a lot like my mom. He would vehemently deny that but, wow, it is true. He is very self absorbed like her and gets grumpy and snippy until he gets his way. He needs help to do anything (my dad was very handy and hard working, worked full time with stage 4 cancer up until he died). My mom never pumped her own gas until like age 54 after my dad died. But she has had to learn to do a lot on her own as she has been since age 54. She had 2 boyfriends and needed to go from one guy to the other and then when this last one got dumped she has been itching to have a new one (she did marry my dad at age 20 and never knew how to be alone). It's been about 3 years since she dumped the last guy and that's when all these troubles began. She had a new guy interested but he went after a younger lady instead. But DH, I have been the one to do any handy stuff and even did a lot of the yard care (in previous houses, here our HOA does it.

I also think my mom is super anxious about dying. Since my dad died suddenly of lung cancer at age 54. I think as each year passes she gets more anxious it could be her time. So every ailment and pain she goes to numerous doctors to find what is wrong and then there is a new one. I think she is terrified she'll let something go too long. YET, she is about 50 pounds over weight and eats terribly and refuses to change that. Says something like she'd rather go out happy to be enjoying what she likes. But it's not true since she is utterly terrified she is going to die. It's such a contradiction. And I think the extra weight and poor eating is leading to most, or all, of her health issues.

The brother issue. When I try to talk about it he gets kind of snarky with me that I don't work and we have money so I can do this stuff. He is a very different, um, thinker than I am. He has a store with a bar and makes no money but it's his life, his friends and fun to him. He didn't marry (has had long term live in, so technically common law wife). Never had kids. Never bought a home or even a vehicle. He's in the city and just living his best life. But thinks down on me and my DH because we took the, what's the term, maybe mainstream route. Got married and had kids. DH took demanding professional career to make money to support us nicely. Not a fun job that he would have rather had. We have good health insurance, brother has none. We go on nice vacations like WDW and cruises. So brother thinks I have to put in my time and money since I have more than he does. Kind of off thinking. Can't say too much more because it is politically based.

 

[lovin'fl]

The picking up pre-cooked thanksgiving dinner...I have tried and she says 'ew, no'. I suggest we go out to eat and she say 'no, I want home cooked'. Stubborn and gotta be HER way. i also have to make the things she likes. I try to do different and she says 'ew, no'. I made a pecan pie this time because it's my DDs' fave (and I too like it). She was like 'gross'. So I ask what she'd like me to buy for her at the market. She chose cherry pie. Ew. I think that was the worst one at the market. And....she didn't even eat any that night. Nobody did.

So I did make clear to her and my brother that I'd be cooking in MY home next year and they were welcome to come. They won't. And she'll grumble and make passive aggressive comments. But, so be it. I am having Thanksgiving with my 3 kids next year.

 

[moniqueand2]

I'd work on both your mother and brother to to this - if brother owns a bar/store then brother knows people. Therefore, he can be the one to find a house cleaner and yard service. Suggesting this might prod them to have a conversation where your brother becomes the active one finding your mom's care/help. I think start communicating with your brother about what he CAN do.

 

[VandVsmama]

I will add that I dont do all my mom's home care. She was cutting her own grass this summer and actually flipped her riding mower over so she really needs to cut it out and hire someone. The summer she got her knees replaced I tried to cut her grass while I was there but then told her to hire someone for when I left and she paid a neighbor boy...just for 2 months. Then went back to doing it herself this summer. She has the money to hire out this stuff but she wont do it. She needs a house cleaner too. And she has renovated her entire house claiming she plans to sell and move into a more fitting place with no maintainence but it's been like 2 years and she has yet to list her house.

DH wont help because he thinks I shouldnt be doing all that I am. Plus he works a demanding job and I do not work and have been fortunate to not have to work most of our marriage. And he deals with his parents' stuff when I cant because I am dealing with my mom. His mom had a cancer battle during my mom's knee thing and I really wasnt there for his mom at all. But this Thanksgiving...yeah he should have pitched in. But he never really does...I guess because I dont work and I think he is bit old school misogynistic 50s mentality.

I do need boundaries though. Sigh. We get done raising kids and then have parents who need tending. I tried to tell DH when he felt he had to switch jobs to here. Said we'd be needed more by our parents but he can never forsee things, they have to be happening right in front of him. Of course his parents were healthy back when he took this job so it wasnt on his radar. Until it was.

I have some more feedback/thoughts for you to consider:

Re: yard work & house cleaning:
So what you're saying above is that your mom is basically cheap and doesn't want to pay for somebody else to do it. Yet she's fine with totally inconveniencing you about once a month. That's not fair. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. The fact that you don't work outside the home is beside the point.

Re: your DH thinks that you shouldn't be doing all that you currently are:
YOUR DH IS RIGHT! It is not your job to take care of everybody all the time. You need to say no. It will be ok if you do.

Re: tending to aging parents:
You should not necessarily be killing yourself and working yourself into a depression taking care of aging parents. If you feel that this is starting to happen, then you need to set up some boundaries for yourself.

Re: your DH switching jobs to where you live right now & tending to aging parents:
What you might not realize is that you living farther away from your parents-in-law and from your parents is a blessing in disguise. It is not your job to go and save everyone else from themselves. You & your DH need to enjoy your new empty nester lives together. Instead, you are hyper-focused on what everyone else needs.

You know what? My dad lives clear on the other side of the country from us. He's a stubborn old fart who doesn't want to move, even though he really hates living there. He has a massive house that just he and his wife live in. I'm talking almost 3000 sq ft of living space on an acre of land. He could easily move into a nice smaller home that's much more manageable, maybe even in a retirement community with a club house where he could chat with all of the other retirees. He's starting to develop health problems. But he won't listen to me or my sister. It's his life. So you know what I and my sister do? We butt out.

My dad is also the sort of person who likes to be RIGHT more than he likes to be happy. In his mind, he is entitled to sit there in his big house and have us visit him every year because he doesn't want to go anywhere. Well, that's not in the financial cards. Us flying there is cost prohibitive. He's rolling in it, his house is totally paid off, he's retired, and can afford the airfare to come to us. I've invited him here to visit several times. He refuses to come.

Do I go run over there and knock myself out to please him? Absolutely not. Do I go and spend money we can't afford on airfare we can't afford and with vacation time that we don't have from our jobs? Of course not. We stay here and invite him. He refuses.

As a result, he's pretty grumpy. He's grumpy because life isn't going how he wanted it to. Well, news to Grandpa: that's how life is. Sometimes you don't always get what you want. This perhaps is a lesson that your mom needs to learn now, too. And it starts by you building a proverbial fence between you and her. Stop running to her rescue all the time. Stop running over there to mow her lawn. Or to put up her Christmas decorations on the outside of her house. Seriously.

Find a hobby..something to do....volunteer somewhere in your local community....do SOMETHING that YOU enjoy that does NOT involve ANY of your immediate or extended family members. Something that will require regular time from you on a regular basis. And go do it.

You need to go out and rediscover who you are. Join a book club. Go to a women's group at whatever place of worship you prefer if you follow a particular religion. Join a hiking club. Sign up to be a mentor in Big Brothers/Big Sisters or something like that. Volunteer at a cool local charity (but not one that involves taking care of senior citizens). For many years, perhaps your identity of who you are was wrapped up in "mother, chief organizer and care taker of everyone." When you take away that role, who are you left with within yourself? THAT is what you need to figure out.

 

[VandVsmama]

The picking up pre-cooked thanksgiving dinner...I have tried and she says 'ew, no'. I suggest we go out to eat and she say 'no, I want home cooked'. Stubborn and gotta be HER way. i also have to make the things she likes. I try to do different and she says 'ew, no'. I made a pecan pie this time because it's my DDs' fave (and I too like it). She was like 'gross'. So I ask what she'd like me to buy for her at the market. She chose cherry pie. Ew. I think that was the worst one at the market. And....she didn't even eat any that night. Nobody did.

So I did make clear to her and my brother that I'd be cooking in MY home next year and they were welcome to come. They won't. And she'll grumble and make passive aggressive comments. But, so be it. I am having Thanksgiving with my 3 kids next year.

GOOD FOR YOU for deciding what you will and will not do next year for Thanksgiving. Your mom WILL stew about it and be grumpy and mad. LET HER! Armageddon won't come just because your mom doesn't like pecan pie.

Part of the problem might be that maybe you are coming across to your mom like you are asking permission. So your mom wants a home cooked Thanksgiving meal. Here's what you say in reply:
"Great idea. I'm cooking Thanksgiving at my house next year, not yours. I'm not traveling here for Thanksgiving. We'd love to have you come spend the holiday with us."

Then when she balks at that and refuses to come, you put on the calmest tone of voice and say, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you. Let me know if you change your mind."

 

[lovin'fl]

Oh, and she will NEVER move here with us. We are in lovely townhome community where HOA maintains all outside. We have 1st floor master and garage. There are mostly older folks living here. We can walk to the grocery. Low cost of living and mild weather. But, nope, she says 'no way'. She is of the mind, as are most of both our families for some reason, that you STAY in the county (or nearby county) where we grew up. None of them leave and they all are very loyal and in love with the area and think us fools to leave (it is the Balt/DC burbs). They talk about our southern state like it's trash. They buy into the stereotypes. When we are in the research triangle area and it's not like they think.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Okay that stuff about your Mom and the pie just sounds juvenile. Limits. Lots of limits.

As for your husband since you are a SAHW I think he just expects you to do everything. Maybe time to have a talk.
Just be thankful you don't have to work! Many of us are doing the sandwich generation and holding down a full time job!

And yes your brother needs to pitch in and help more. Why can't he do your Mom's yard work?

 

[lovin'fl]

I am feeling better. Thank you all. A lot of us in same boat. And the world won't stop spinning if I say 'no' to someone.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

The picking up pre-cooked thanksgiving dinner...I have tried and she says 'ew, no'. I suggest we go out to eat and she say 'no, I want home cooked'. Stubborn and gotta be HER way. i also have to make the things she likes. I try to do different and she says 'ew, no'. I made a pecan pie this time because it's my DDs' fave (and I too like it). She was like 'gross'.

I wouldnt give her a choice. If you want to pick up a pre-cooked Thanksgiving dinner, do it!!! Don't not do it because she says "ew, no". If you want to go out to eat, go out. DON'T keep giving into her!! She sounds incredibly selfish, childish and rude. I couldn't imagine EVER treating my own kids so poorly. I mean really, who tells someone that their homemade pecan pie is "gross"?! Thats just rude.

Everything you have said above, would make me never want to spend any time with her.

I can relate to a lot of what you have shared. My Dad died at 61, only three weeks after being diagnosed with lung cancer. My parents got married when they were 20. My Mom is 76 now. My brother isn't a whole lot of help. The first year after Dad died we were so devastated my Mom mostly lived with us and I was happy about it. We all were, my mom, my husband, me and our kids. But as our grief started to loosen its grip after a year, we returned to our regular lives more or less.

In the last 14 1/2 years since my Dad died, I had to be careful to set boundaries, say "no" and change things up when they needed to be. All of it was hard, is still hard, but we are all better for it. Its hard to speak up to your parent, but its a heck of a lot better than having them treat you will so little respect, ie. telling you "ew no" and "gross" is so out of line, rude and disrespectful. I have a feeling that you wouldn't let other people in your life talk to you like that, don't let your Mom either.

 

[lovin'fl]

The pie thing, just pointing out that it has to be THE way she wants down to the pie. I have to shop, cook and make all the stuff she likes. Ughh. Can't order in a pre cooked meal, can't go out to eat. Just ridiculous when someone (me) is going to all that trouble to be sooooo picky and finicky.

But, my bro and helping with the yard...ha. She won't even ask because 'he has a store to run'. But when I have asked him to cover something, like taking her for a shot in the hip or something, he will say he can't until X date (very specific) which doesn't work as she makes whatever appt they have available. He will help once in a blue moon. Like when we were moving here the same week my DDs graduated HS. And my mom decided to renovate her whole house that same time and got a huge dumpster in her yard and asked me to help go through her 50 years of hoarded crap. I did the basement with her when I was needing to be packing my own house. Took me like 5 full days to clean out her basement. Then she needed to do her garage that was also packed full of 50 years of crap. So I told her to ask my brother and he did come help with that.

 

[lovin'fl]

I wouldnt give her a choice. If you want to pick up a pre-cooked Thanksgiving dinner, do it!!! Don't not do it because he says "ew, no". If you want to go out to eat, go out. DON'T keep giving into her!! She sounds incredibly selfish, childish and rude. I couldn't imagine EVER treating my own kids so poorly. I mean really, who tells someone that their homemade pecan pie is "gross"?! Thats just rude.

Everything you have said above, would make me never want to spend anytime with her.

I can relate to a lot of what you have shared. My Dad died at 61, only three weeks after being diagnosed with lung cancer. My parents got married when they were 20. My Mom is 76 now. My brother isn't a whole lot of help. The first year after Dad died we were so devastated my Mom mostly lived with us and I was happy about it. We all were, my mom, my husband, me and our kids. But as our grief started to loosen its grip after a year, we returned to our regular lives more or less.

In the last 14 1/2 years since my Dad died, I had to be careful to set boundries, say "no" and change things up when they needed to be. All of it was hard, is still hard, but we are all better for it. Its hard to speak up to your parent, but its a heck of a lot better than having them treat you will so little respect, ie. telling you "ew no" and "gross" is so out of line, rude and disrespectful. I have a feeling that you wouldn't let other people in your life talk to you like that, don't let your Mom either.

Funny thing is she tells me I am rude to her when I snip back when she says things like that. I think, like, what do you expect!?!?! Honestly we are like oil and water. Uggh. Just need to 'let it go...let it go'.

 

[cedricandsophie]

I’m almost 70 and it would never occur to me to be demanding of my children. Just because we raised them doesn’t meZn they are obliged to take care of us.

This may seem very harsh but it’s how I feel as someone your moms age or close to it.
Your mom needs to hear no from you loud and clear. She is obviously able to Care for herself or hire someone to do it. She has to date manipulated you and acted like a spoiled child. As any other child she needs to hear no and once she hears it enough she will get the point.

Frankly I don’t see much wrong with your husband other than you have let him be too demanding. He wants to live his life and hopes you will join him. If he won’t do work around the house then hire someone. If his family changes plans or has expectations beyond what you can do, just say no. If he wants to go on trips and experience new things with you I would hope you could feel joy and love but you have let the rest of your life overwhelm you.

And you let your kids and dog overwhelm you too. For your own sake you need to stop, take a step va k and organize your life the way you want not what everyone else wants. Unfortunately you have let this go on so long everyone thinks they can have a piece of you and there aren’t any pieces left for you.

Of course we don’t know you at all and a bunch of strangers lecturing does no good whTsoever. I just urge you to take all the pieces of your life and treat it like a business problem with as little emotional involvement as you can muster. List your problems, lay out pros And cons for solutions, even write down what you will say or do to each person. And stick to your guns. And maybe most of all try to find a way to enjoy time with your husband doing stuff both of you like. In a few years, the two of you are going to be on your own and you don’t want to become your mother in your later years.

 

[VandVsmama]

Another way to look at the situation with your brother is this:

Maybe he, too, knows exactly how demanding Missy Demandypants can be. And maybe he decided years ago that he wasn't going to sign up to be Mr. Caretaker of Missy Demandypants. Maybe he decided what his boundaries were and lived his life that way. As a result, maybe your mom has learned what her son's boundaries are. And since you are in the camp of "Yes I'll do whatever you want," of course she's going to ask you first every time.

You have a right live your life how you want and you do not have to get your mom's permission to say no to her. And tell your kids to not call you after 10 pm unless they're in the ER or headed to the ER for something...otherwise, it can wait until morning.

My MIL finally found somebody else to be her errand boy other than my DH once DH finally told her no. She found somebody else to help her put up Christmas decorations...she hired somebody. However, when it comes to her cats, she recently asked my DH to drive to her house daily for a week at Christmas to feed her cats. Yes, and we live 1.5 hr away one way. He said no. We're going to be out of town. She should hire a cat sitter. But she's too cheap and thinks it's too expensive. So you know what? She's probably going to miss out on spending Christmas w/SIL & SIL's family as a result...all because MIL is too darn cheap to hire a high school or college student to come once a day and open a stupid can of cat food.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You have to value yourself. You are perpetuating your stereotype in your mind that you must do it all because your husband works or you have empty nest or that it daughter duty. Just stop. You owe no one anything at all. If you don't make yourself a priority no one else will.

Frankly, you are enabling the situation with your mom. Just stop. She will either figure it out or will understand the consequences. Your mother doesn't always get to have the final say and control everything. You are allowing it. Here's the options about dinner: eat it or don't. That's pretty simple. Thanksgiving is about family being together. If she wants a "homemade" dinner, tell her you'll be there at 3pm and excited to see what she made. If she insists you come down for dinner then make it easy on yourself.

I am the guardian to a young mother that I had let "fail" so we could start a different path. It was absolutely awful. People suck and make all kinds of judgements on you. I had begged for help and guidance over and over but because my mom is younger everyone said she can "function" alone. So I backed off completely and pulled the resources as well. I had to let her fail to give her a better quality of life. It was either get her placed in a great facility (people totally judgy about that) or someone find her dead in her apartment and I couldn't have lived with that option. It has been the best choice I ever made because it changed our relationship from reverse parent/child to just being mom/daughter again. I'm not the enforcer and juggler of appointments or worried she isn't taking care of herself.

Regarding the stuff with your husband. You sound really unhappy. Have you thought about getting an activity outside of the home that is just for you? Whether some small job or volunteer position even if rocking babies at the local hospital? Do something that is just for you. Let yourself be more than the caretaker to everyone since it is taking such a toll.