holding son back from Kindergarten

[renae3]

Okay I am hoping from some help out there. My son will be 5 on September 1and the cutoff for out kindergarten is October 1. So he technically could attend and would be the youngest in the class. My question is should I hold him back a year and put him in next year when he then will be the oldest. I am afraid if I put him in now, he will fall behind because he is so young. Let me ask everyone what you think. Has anyone had experience with their kids in a similar situation. Is it better to be the oldest or the youngest...please help me, I am so torn!

 

[karajeboo]

Two examples:
1. My wanted to start her dd early because her bday was in October and just missed the cutoff - so she is one of the oldest in class. She's the tallest, and she's bored because she is pretty far ahead of the other kids.

2. My neighbor just held their son back a year (he's repeating 2nd grade) not becaue of poor grades, but because he has a Sept bday and he was the youngest in class. As a boy, he's into sports and this really put him at a disadvantage since he was the smallest (that's not why they did it though!!!), and since they moved right before school started this year, it was a good time to hold him back. He seems to fit in better emotionally now than he did as the youngest (he's pretty much the oldest now), plus, since he is a small child to begin with, he's much more equal to other kids in relation to size.

So there you have it. No help at all, huh? One worked out great, one not so great. I think it depends a LOT on the emotinal level of the child. I had a neighbor who was a kindergarten teacher and she was totally against starting children early (making them the youngest in class). She said that at that age, it was better to hold them back a year (in your case) so they could be better prepared. Have you talked to the school about your concerns?

 

[LadyShea]

I think it depends on the kid. Is he mature enough to handle it, in your opinion? How does he do in preschool-if he has attended?

 

[MommyWithDreams]

I am in the exact same boat. My son will be 5 on Halloween and our cut-off date is early December. He has been in preschool since August. I thought after one year of preschool he'd be ready but at this point, he's not. Academically he certainly is. The teachers are really pleased with his interest in learning and how he absorbs everything. The emotional development....not so much. He still has a hard time with that and having been a preschool teacher myself the emotional and social development is just as important as the academic development. I don't know about your area, but here kindergarten isn't what it used to be. It's no longer just about playing in the playhouse, building with blocks and coloring. They really teach and really learn. Some kids even at 5 (youg 5's) that's just too structured for them.
After a lot talking with my DS's teachers we have chosen to enroll him in a transitional kindergarten program at the school he's currently in. It's a WONDERFUL program that is perfect for those late fall birthdays that are teetering on still the preschool end but just not quite ready for the structure that a kindergarten class has. One way to look at it.......it would be a lot easier on your child (and you) to hold them back now than to hold them back in 3rd or 4th grade when it's very obvious. That's not something I am willing to put my son through if I can help him now by simply giving him just a little bit more time.
Is your son in preschool now? If so do his teachers have any feedback for you?
I wish you luck in whatever choice you make...it's a tough decision.

 

[mnasmom3]

I think it depends on the kids, too.

My first just missed the cut off by 2 weeks. She's one of the oldest in her class and has consistantly made the honor roll. She's always been able to keep up and has done very well socially, too.

My second missed the cut off by 4 weeks. He's very bright. He's bored out of his mind in school. He comes home with drawing all over his papers. I ask why and he says he finishes and gets bored waiting. He excels at math and reading, so part of his day is spent in a class with the next grade level learning with them. If this continues after next year, he'll likely be double promoted at the end of the school year. Had he been born 4 weeks prior and made the school cut off, there is no doubt in my mind that he's have done well even being the youngest in his class.

My third....she's very average and not all together there yet socially. She's still somewhat of a momma's girl. We decided to give her another year to mature a bit and keep her in preschool. She's no in K and I've never once regretted the decision to keep her back. She is the oldest in her class but she fits in very well. Academically, she is average. She does what's expected for grade level...not more and not less. I think if I'd pushed her into K last year, I'd have set her up to fail. I think she's have repeated it.

I think if your child attends preschool, I'd talk to that teacher to see if he/she could give you a heads up on if your son is ready for K. Good luck! It's a tough decision!

 

[auntie]

Okay I am hoping from some help out there. My son will be 5 on September 1and the cutoff for out kindergarten is October 1. So he technically could attend and would be the youngest in the class. My question is should I hold him back a year and put him in next year when he then will be the oldest. I am afraid if I put him in now, he will fall behind because he is so young. Let me ask everyone what you think. Has anyone had experience with their kids in a similar situation. Is it better to be the oldest or the youngest...please help me, I am so torn!

I've had experience doing it both ways. My older son had a September birthday, and I felt he was too young. Honestly he was very bright..intellectually..it wasn't an issue, but I knew in my gut(which I didn't trust..because I had so many others tell me "are you crazy"...that I went ahead and placed him kindergarden. He was one of the youngest in his class, and he did have a hard time. Not with so much the work..as that all eventually evens out, but little things. Not having the patience to sit as long as the others...or simply not "wanting" to do the work. You can't make someone older than they are. There were kids who were 10 or 11 months older than he was. When you are four or five..that's a big difference. Eventually..it all evens out, but I'm not going to tell you he didn't have a rough few years.
Now..fast forward 11 years. His younger brother was supposed to start kindergarden. (yep..one was a junior in high school and the other in kindergarden...(two girls in between). I knew the little guy wasn't ready...again..young for the grade. This time..having had a few kids, I knew it was my choice. I spoke with his pre-school teachers. They were so surprised, because often the parents are pushing the kids ahead, whether they are ready or not. They put it to me this way. There will be no harm from waiting until the following year. It will ONLY benefit him. They called it a "gift" The "Gift of Time"...instead of looking at it as if you are depriving your child, or holding him back..., think of it as a gift you are giving him.
This has been the best thing I've ever done for him. He is a leader...not a follower. He does well in school...and I might add in sports. Especially for a boy, this can be a good thing. He has more friends than I can count. He is highly regarded by both his friends and teachers. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten calls from other parents wanting to know if "Tim" is going...or doing something, because then they know their sons are in good company and have more confidence in his judgement.
I also have a daughter with an April birthday who started school exactly when she was supposed to, and that worked out fine. I can tell you there is a difference between boys and girls in regards to their maturity at that age. She had no issues. So, I've dealt with this from 3 different views..and my advise to you would be to "trust your gut"..you know your boy best. There will be no harm to wait, if you are so inclined.

 

[Fabinva]

Really depends on the child, my DD5 missed the cutoff for public school so she is in a private kindergarten and loving it. I would not have done the same with her older brother, he was barely ready when he started and although he is a bright kid he has not like school from day one.

 

[brymolmom]

A hot topic for me.

Someone is always going to be the youngest. Even if they change cutoff dates to June 1st - then May and April birthdays would begin to hold their kids back.

If your school's cutoff is Oct 1st then they are expecting old 4 year olds in the class. Is he that far behind socially/emotionally that you don't consider him in the 'normal range' for 4 year olds? If he is - then that's what they are expecting and what the curriculum should be based on.

It is a never ending cycle - people keep holding kids back because they're not socially ready and then Kindergartners are a year older and act a lot more mature socially and then that is 'expected' even though the class is really supposed to be for the younger ones.

My rule of thumb is this - I personally think parental choice should be removed from this whole decision (unless there is a serious delay with whom the family is working with a doctor), but with that aside - my opinion is that I have no problem with people holding their child back AS LONG AS they are ok with them being taught to a year LOWER curriculum. As in, don't hold him back - let him learn to do a ton of things (start reading, start math, etc.) and then expect the teacher to 'enrich' him in the Kindergarten setting simply because he already knows all the stuff they are teaching. The teacher is supposed to be focusing on those whose ages are expected in the classroom based on cutoff dates. And honestly - if the parent wanted the child challenged - they should not have held him back to begin with - then he would be doing 1st grade work. You can't have it both ways. So, would you be OK if your son is way bored by the work next year if you decided to hold him back? Obviously he should be bored by it - he will have 12 months more learning than others in the class.

I think it can potentially take too much away from the kids who are aged appropriate for the class if the teacher is trying to teach to kids who really should be in 1st grade and at the same time trying to teach 4 year olds. And, I think it is unfair to the teachers too.

Like I said - a hot topic for me.

 

[disykat]

I am usually against keeping kids back, but with a Sept. birthday I'd probably do it - especially since he is a boy. (Nothing against boys, I have two of them myself! However, fine motor skills etc are sometimes behind girls.)

My brother and I were both November birthdays back in the dark ages (our cutoff was Nov 15th at the time) and did fine. We were a bit immature in the primary grades, but caught up by 3rd. We suffered no ill effects being on the younger end.

However, now so many people hold their kids back that with a September birthday there will probably be quite a few kids older than him if you hold him out and if you put him in he might be a year and a half younger than many.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

My DD's birthday is Aug. 29. Our cut-off is Aug. 1, but you can waiver them through Sept. 1. We did not do that. She is in kindergarten this year. Socially and emotionally she is right on target. She is reading, but so is half the class. They have differentiated reading groups on T/Th so she gets pushed then. I was the youngest and hated it so didn't want to do that to my DD. Academics were always fine for me, but emotionally wasn't ready for middle school. I finally "caught up" but then a couple of years later everyone was driving. I also was the last to turn 21 in college.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

My rule of thumb is this - I personally think parental choice should be removed from this whole decision (unless there is a serious delay with whom the family is working with a doctor), but with that aside - my opinion is that I have no problem with people holding their child back AS LONG AS they are ok with them being taught to a year LOWER curriculum. As in, don't hold him back - let him learn to do a ton of things (start reading, start math, etc.) and then expect the teacher to 'enrich' him in the Kindergarten setting simply because he already knows all the stuff they are teaching. The teacher is supposed to be focusing on those whose ages are expected in the classroom based on cutoff dates. And honestly - if the parent wanted the child challenged - they should not have held him back to begin with - then he would be doing 1st grade work. You can't have it both ways. So, would you be OK if your son is way bored by the work next year if you decided to hold him back? Obviously he should be bored by it - he will have 12 months more learning than others in the class.

I think it can potentially take too much away from the kids who are aged appropriate for the class if the teacher is trying to teach to kids who really should be in 1st grade and at the same time trying to teach 4 year olds. And, I think it is unfair to the teachers too.

Like I said - a hot topic for me.

I am a teacher. I was taught and expected to individualize for students. Obviously, you cannot do this all day but you certainly can and should some. This is a hot topic for me because my DS has a March birthday. He entered kindergarten (age 5) reading at a third grade level. He is now in third and reads at 12th grade level (or so the tests say, I'd put it more at 8th). I definitely expect him to be taught and not sit around being bored. His teachers have been great at this, especially his first grade teacher! There is going to be differences in levels no matter the age.

 

[jeepgirl30]

DD turned 5 in June and cut off was Aug 1st so we sent her. She is now in 2nd grade and each year we have meetings with the school where they recommend we hold her back. She is one of the youngest and smallest in the entire grade. My cousin's DS is 11 months older than DD and yet in the same grade.

DD is (gasp) reading at a begining 2nd grade level and *only* scoring average on placement tests. They are concerned and have her in intervention programs. We are getting her evaluated for learning disabilities, etc trying to decide if we hold her back or not.

Now I really wish we would have held her back in Kgarten. She would not have known and neither would the other kids.

If you are questioning it, I'd do it now before he enters school. An extra year will give him more time to grow/develop and have a head start at school. Is he in preschool now? If so, maybe ask his teachers what they think. I was talking to a parent last night that said her son's preschool teachers recommended waiting and she didn't but wished she did because her son was held back in Kgarten anyway.

Its a hard decision. Not only do you wonder how Kgarten will be but what it does to the child in middle, highschool and college.

Good luck

 

[avic77]

I sent my son to kindergraten this year. He turned 5 in June and is on the small side. He has had a horrible time adjusting. 1/2 a school year later he still crys and fusses about going. He is picked on and now his grades are suffering as well ( he did excellent the fist quarter). I have decided next year to home school him as i can not withdrawl him from school completely and i dont feel holding him back a grade would help either.
I say WAIT and send him the next year.

 

[Alex&Evan'sMom]

My son turned 5 his third day of kindergarten. I based my decision on whether or not I thought he could handle the work. He went to preschool so I was able to see what he was capable of from a school standpoint. The only thing that made me the least bit hesitant was that he is a bit hyper and needed improvement on sitting down, staying quiet and listening. I decided to go ahead and put him in and the first month he got in trouble here and there for those reasons but has done fine since then. He never seemed to have any trouble with the school assignments. I'm happy to say he is now a well adjusted 1st grader and on the A honor roll!

 

[princess4life]

My ds is 6 with a July 16 birthday and a Sept. 1st cut off date. A friend of mine with three grown daughters told me her thoughts which helped me a lot. Her oldest two daughters were spring babies, so when her third with an early August birthday was school age she didn't give it a second thought. She said as they were going through school, she could see some differences mostly in the social skills of her youngest daughter. She said it wasn't until high school she truly had regret. She said I was sending my 17 year old off to college! I just thought, wow, I could have done this differently. What got me most was that she said you can be hero for giving your 5 year old an extra year of maturity, but people don't see it the same way when you're 18 year old just needs a year of doing nothing to find themselves!

For me, I kept focusing more on the end result not necessarily the immediate result.

We have had to explain to him that he is the oldest because we chose to keep him home for an extra year. Quite frankly, as long as you're just honest it seems to be okay. You have to do what makes you comfortable.

Good luck!

 

[tinkandpan]

We just went through this with my ds. He turned 5 on sept 3 and the cutoff is Oct 1. I decided to hold him and he started on his 6th birthday. A lot of it has to do with the fact that so mamy children around here are held and I felt it was a disservice to throw him in with the older kids. He could have held his own, but I wanted him to thrive and feel confident and not have to struggle to keep his head above the water. I made this decision because the year I held him his preschool class of boys was almost entirely made of children who were being held and he was a full year younger- he was having trouble sociallykeeping up with them and also with sitting there and wanting to do his work. Now he wants to learn, is ready to sit and socially very confident.

I have another friend who had the same bday issue- she did not hold her daughter and now in first grade they are suggesting she be held and repeat first grade- it's a bit of a social stigma they feel so they don't know what to do. Easier to hold when younger and not in the system yet. I know the teacher in our K has lots of things to have the children work on and do when they are finished with their work and others are still struggling- so so far boredom is not an issue.

 

[5fordisney]

Hi. We held both of our sons back from starting, one with an Aug. b-day and the other with a Sept. They were the best decisions we ever made. My husband and I are both educators so I speak to you as a mother and former teacher. EVERY teacher I have ever spoken to on this topic has had 2 things to say about it.
1. Every child is different so what is right for one may not be right for another.
2. It won't hurt your son to wait a year but it may hurt him to start if he's not ready. There's no rush to begin school. If he needs the extra time, give it to him.

I personally know many people who have gone one way or the other. They've all done well with the decisions their parents made, although a few who started young still have some immaturity issues compared to their classmates. It's RARE to see a child who is so genius that he/she is consistently bored at school. Most children are able to be challenged even if they did start school a year late.

brymolmom- I completely respect your opinion, I'm in no way trying to start an argument with you. But with today's new educational standards and expectations, kindergarten isn't what it used to be. My first son left kdg. reading about 60 sight words, writing 3 sentence paragraphs, etc. That was the average for his grade, not the exception. He probably would have done ok if we had sent him on time but not without some stressful days for him. Instead, we waited a year and he was able to excel, not just get by, and actually enjoy the whole experience. I'm so glad that my husband and I had the the right to choose what was best for our son.

renae3- remember your decision will follow him through all 13 years and beyond. Meaning he'll always be either one of the youngest or oldest in his grade. Only you can know what is best for him. Godd luck with your decision. Whichever way you go, I'm sure it will be right for him!

 

[snowbunny]

I have no problem with people holding their child back AS LONG AS they are ok with them being taught to a year LOWER curriculum.

Totally agree. In my community the parents are very competitive and many hold kids back so that they will, in theory, have an easier time going forward. These are the same parents complaining in 1st-4th that their kids are *gifted* and the curriculum is too easy for them. Hello....

We bucked the trend and put our DS in K when he could have gone either way (July bday but he had friends with August bdays who were put in 5+ preschool by their parents). The K teacher was not real comfortable with him, he was a bit immature but so was she (young). In retrospect I think he would have been fine with a more experienced teacher. Which - he got in 1st and 2nd grades and then blossomed. He is now in 5 and tested into accelerated (grade 6) math class and is doing great.

It really depends on the child and on your expectations. If he is ready, there is no reason to hold him back.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Only you know your kid best but I have never even heard of holding a kid back until the Dis. If you are supposed to start by the cutoff you start. I was a late birthday and I was fine. My one son will be a late birthday and he will go as planned. I really think you need to do what you feel is best for your child but I truthfully have ever heard of such a thing until here. Very interesting.

 

[javaj]

One thing I've noticed is that for less mature (or younger) Kindergarteners, 1/2 day seems to work better if that's an option (public or private). I've also seen others place their younger Kindergarteners in full-day private K programs, and they seem to thrive in that atmosphere.

I echo the sentiments of the previous posters that it all depends on your child, but if you're concerned at all, I'd definitely look into 1/2 day K or private K.

Good luck!