Help with anger issues in 5 year old

[mrsbornkuntry]

Just wanted to say your post made me cry. How very hard that must have been for you. Thank you to your DH for all he does for us and for your family for all they have given up. I feel so bad for your DS. I hope he is better now. That must have been just heartbreaking.

Thank-you, he is better with those issues now, but he still has problems with controlling his anger, he is just a very passionate and emotional child. As a matter of fact, because we knew what problems he had when he started kindergarten I did as much as I could to prepare him, we met his teacher multiple times (and I talked to her about his anxiety), and I had him ride the bus so he would be leaving me instead of me leaving him. He did wonderful going to school and it helped that he had a very experienced and loving kindergarten teacher.

I think charting would benefit us as well, I'm going to start doing this. I already know about his sleeping habits, but I think it would help to see if he needs a change in diet.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Me too. Standard Operating Procedure does not work with kids like this. Our family tried time outs and Super Nanny naughty mats and 1-2-3 Magic and everything else under the sun. We basically had to wait for my DD to mature enough to gain more control over her emotions for any kind of threats or consequences to work.

I can't tell you the number of times people told me "you just need to follow the Super Nanny" or "just be consistent" or "give more time outs." They didn't get that I was doing all those things and nothing worked. If the number of timeouts were directly linked to better behavior, my DD would be the best behaved kid in the world. But timeouts, taking away privileges, and all the other standard discipline techniques had no impact on DD. It took until she was 5 before I accepted the fact that none of that would work until we dealt with the underlying problem, i.e. her mood disorder.

I disagree. I think that "it's linked to emotion" is just another way to excuse the behavior. Of course it is emotional. We as humans need to learn how to express emotion in an acceptable manner. I teach, and have taught preschool, so I have seen more than just my child. With consistent consequences for poor behavior both at home and at school, 99% of children learn to control behavior. The 1% that do not truly need more help. The breakdown occurs when one or the other party decides that the behavior should NOT be punished becuase the child should not be held responsible for it. They child gets the message that they "cannot control" the behavior and it continues. I am all for trianing a child on coping mechanisms and better outlets for thier feelings, but saying that poor behavior should have no consequence undermines that effort. Any behavior that you are not willing to accept as the norm in your household or school should have consequences.

The actual percentage is believed to be closer to 3% of people who have mood disorders. What a lot of people are discussing here are the 3% that do need additional help because it isn't just about being held responsible for their behavior. And what I'm reading here also are people saying there are consequences for bad behavior, but it doesn't change their ability to control the behavior. In my house, I have always held my DD responsible for her behavior. She does have consequences, but it only works when her mood is stable. When her brain chemicals aren't working right, nothing will help.

It's not an excuse, but an understanding of the behavior. The behavior I am talking about is extreme - not the usual yelling or back talk. By understanding the extreme emotions, the reaction to the behavior can be different. "The Explosive Child" does exactly what your are talking about - understanding how to control emotions an an acceptable manner. Again, these kids have extreme, outside of the norm, behaviors --- like I mentioned above about my DD- tossing furniture, punching walls, screaming, etc.


There is a HUGE difference in the "naughty" behavior and this extreme emotional behavior.

You don't get it. There are consequences. They kids just don't give a rip about them in the moment when they melt down. It's almost as if they are incapable of reasoning or making a different decision once they start down the path of an emotional snit.

I found Ross Greene's description of this as "vapor lock" to be particularly helpful. When DD goes into meltdown mode, there's no useful information entering her brain or being processed in a useful manner. All reasonable thinking shuts down, and no consequences change that.

I was somewhat successful at heading off a snit when I would see the warning signs, but even that was hit or miss. Every. Single. One. of the parents on this thread wishes with all their might that all they would have to do is set forth consistent consequences and everything would fall in place like Supper Nanny tells us it should .

One of the most difficult days I had was the day when I realized that I actually wanted DD's psychologist to tell me that I was just a poor parent, because then it would mean that all I had to do was learn to be more like Super Nanny and everything would be fine. The alternative was that something was really wrong with DD and it would be something that she likely would have to deal with for the rest of her life. There are still days when I experience true grief for what DD must live with.

YES YES YES!!! A couple years ago, after calming down from one of those meltdowns, I had my daughter draw a picture of what was going on in her brain. It made me want to cry with the pictures she drew - lightning bolts, feeling like she was being strangled, trampled, etc. She said she has two brains: A Happy Brain, and a "Smad" Brain (smad = sad & mad)

I got your PM. I'll be answering tonight, probably after DD is in bed.

And, for the record, I don't try to explain/ask him to be a good boy, etc... in the middle of a tantrum. That usually comes much later after the designated punishment before we release him back into the wild. ... One thing I do know that he does need a lot of exercise and the weather has been so crappy that hasn't been possible.

Yes, trying to explain/reason in the middle of a meltdown is useless. But you are right on track to wait until he calms down to discuss the consequences of his actions.

I bought a mini-trampoline for DD to exercise on during the winter. It really helps her. Sometimes I can completely avoid a meltdown by telling her to go jump on her tramp when she starts getting upset.

Tantrums for DS were worse if he hadn't eaten in more than 4 hours and were worse on school days. He now eats immediately upon getting up and reminds us if he needs a snack during the day.

I found this with DD too. She had some of her worst rages when it had been more than a couple hours since she'd eaten.

 

[palavra]

You don't get it. There are consequences. They kids just don't give a rip about them in the moment when they melt down. It's almost as if they are incapable of reasoning or making a different decision once they start down the path of an emotional snit. I was somewhat successful at heading off a snit when I would see the warning signs, but even that was hit or miss. Every. Single. One. of the parents on this thread wishes with all their might that all they would have to do is set forth consistent consequences and everything would fall in place like Supper Nanny tells us it should .

Well said! I really, really try hard not to get irritated at those who think that my daughter would behave if we just did ________________ (fill in the blank). Like you, we had to discover her currency, and, even now though, it is hit or miss. If my daughter behaved consistently in certain ways life would be much simpler, but the reality is, she is moody, has anger outbursts and is oversensitive to stimuli that you and I take for granted.

 

[Kat&Dom]

I am a single mom and my son occasionally has anger issues related to his disappointment with his dad. For a month, his dad had been telling him that he had a special present for him - my son was so excited to see this "special" present that daddy had for him - when my son went for the visit - there was no "special" present - absolutely nothing. When my son came home from the visit, he peed over a bunch of toys. I understood where his anger came from and it was hard to punish him but I had to. I threw out every toy that he had peed on and I took away all the rest of his toys for one week. He understood that he was being punished for his actions.

Another time, he threw a complete fit in Wal-Mart - screaming, pulling my hair, throwing things from the cart. It was horrible and embarrassing so I grounded him from going to Wal-Mart for six months. Since that time, if he even misbehaves even a little bit, I ask him if he would like to be grounded from shopping at all of his favorite stores.

I have found that if I stay strong in my discipline of him, it works. I try to make sure that I am completely clear on the consequences of his behaviour - he is aware that he makes the choice on how he behaves so he has to face the consequences. It is not easy and I feel sometimes that I am too hard on him but my job as his mom is to make sure that he becomes a happy, well adjusted person.

I think that you should take comfort in the fact that your son is doing so well in school and my mom has always told me that kids need to act up somewhere so it is better at home rather than in public.

I think that having your child in some type of physical exercise also helps with the anger - if they are able to run or wear off that excess energy than you are less likely to have tantrums. I have found since putting my son in hockey that he is so tired that he really doesn't have the extra energy to act up much.

Good luck - being a parent is hard work but so worth it.

 

[lisateaches]

I also am an advocate of The Explosive Child. We had to put our daughter on medication. She was suicidal without knowing what that meant. She was four and then five years old and wanted to die. She always slept well, but still had explosive issues. When her brother was stillborn it led to a bigger breakdown. I live in a fairly large city and finding child psychologists/psychiatrists were close to impossible. She had such an explosive fit at the psychiatrist's office that it took both of us to get her in the car. The doctor admitted to never dealing with a child like mine before. Whether her current diagnosis is correct or not,(anxiety) at least she has improved.
She is aware of what her behavior was like and describes it like she couldn't control herself. She describes it as a very sad and lonely time. I could take every toy in the world away and it never made a difference. Now when we use time out there is no time associated with it. When she is calm then she can come back to us. She also hasn't had time out in her room in over three years ( anxiety). She has it in the hallway. Putting her on medication was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I just don't want to have a child that commits suicide at any age. Some people do need medication to live. I certainly wouldn't keep cancer or diabetes medication away from my child, so I give her what she needs to live.[/SIZ

 

[nchulka]

If he is being difficult, just take yourself out of the situation and let him experience the natural consequences of HIS own actions. Explain to him that from now on you will not say a word to him in the morning about getting ready but whatever he looks like at leaving time is how he will go. A few mornings of being hungry till lunch will cause him to start eating breakfast, and going to school just once in PJ's will cause him to dress himself. You have to be very firm thought that there are no second chances, there are no reminders, at X time we are leaving the house and you leave the way you are!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

OP, I just wanted to thank you for posting this thread. I have wanted to for so long, because I am going through the same thing with my DS (10). It has gone on for way to long, and I need to stop it now. At his age though, it's a little embarrassing to talk about.

Like others, he is very well behaved at school. Two years ago he was not doing well in reading, and would not focus. I asked his teacher if she thought he may be ADD. (because of home behavior as well) The school system ran all kinds of tests, and after months of this, it came back normal. I also talked to his Dr. about it, again, normal.

He will be fine at school, then he will get into the car in the afternoons and snap. It's like flipping a switch. Not on most days, but sometimes.

He has gotten a little better, however his explosive anger is still in him daily. He will get so mad over the dumbest things. If I don't do something fast enough, or if I refuse to get something for him that he can do himself, DD can look at him wrong, and off he goes. He will slam doors, scream and carry on. It's ridiculous. He even tells me that he hates me. Sometimes when it gets really bad, the only way I can calm him down is to talk him into taking a shower. It gives him time to think and to calm down. Once he gets out, he is fine. Needless to say, he is a very clean child.

I have also noticed that it's hard to get his mind off of something once he is focused on it. It's like he is going to get it no matter what.

Recently he has made some improvements, and I brag about it when I see it. He is doing well in school, he is really proud of that. I have to study a lot with his sister and he has been jealous of that. So he has requested that I study with him more too, which is great, but this leads me to think this is an attention thing, or a control thing over me

Another big issue is that he has to be with me all the time. He wants to know where I am in the house, he will not go to bed unless I am lying down with him, and after I get up at night and go to my room, it's nothing for him to wake up later and come get me. I am also giving him Melatonin at night to help him sleep, but it does not keep him asleep. This has been a big issue for me, because I am not sleeping well at all either. You see that it's almost 1am my time.

I'm sorry this was so long. I am going to go back and re read this thread. I have not had a chance to read it all, but there is some great advice here from what I have read, that I am going to try. Hopefully it will help me out too.

 

[indimom]

I could have written this post 7 years ago when DD was in K. It was a very rough year.
I didn't read all the posts, just skimmed, but here is what helped us. It took some time to realize, but in DD's case it was a combination of poor sleep and stress related to "not enough time" or feeling rushed. She responds very poorly to both of these situations. This made school mornings dreadful!

Here were the things that worked best with our daughter.
1. STAY CALM NO MATTER WHAT. If you escalate the energy level in any way, it makes it more difficult for the child to calm down. Do NOT feed into the tantrum. Stand your ground, but do it C-A-L-M-L-Y. Squat down on their level, talk eye to eye, but do not raise your voice or act ruffled in any way. (This is difficult, but I promise it helps.)

2. Sleep could play a major part. It did for our daughter. If she had a rough night, we could guarrantee a rough morning. So do your best to make sure they are getting enough ZZZZZZZZZZs.

3. Do as much prep for the AM the night before as humanly possible. This was a biggie for us. Set out the clothes, sign all papers for school, have the backpack together with coat, hat, shoes, etc. Pack lunches the night before, even your own.
Our daughter just couldn't handle the fast paced hustle and bustle of the morning. She doesn't transition that fast. By getting some of those things accomplished the night before (when she was in a much better mood) we cut out a good number of the AM tantrums. We quit trying to force hair styling and settled for just brushing it. That sort of thing. Anything that took steps out of the AM routine.
Also, Make sure you do this for everyone in the house, so that you are not too busy to spend the time you need with this child.

4. Figure out the "best" way to wake your child. Do they need to get up earlier, but a little more gradually, starting with a light in the hallway, then a lamp across the room, then the overhead light, etc. Or, do they respond better to an alarm clock and NO parents in the room?

5. Final Note. K is a hard year in general. I have known many children who struggled with the change a bit and most only showed the strain at home. They are comfortable at home, so they hold it in at school and let loose at home. Be supportive and understanding, calm and compassionate, while standing your ground on the issues you must follow through on. (1. Getting dressed. 2. Eating breakfast. 3. Brushing Teeth. 4. Gathering schoolbag and heading out the Door.) Everything else can wait for another time.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, many hugs to you! I have a dd23 who was diagnosed at a young age with ADD/ODD. I know that you are not ready for a 'label' as I know that feeling well. I hated the thought that she would be labeled in school. Like you, my dd was great in school - at home..it was a constant and daily battle. Finally I reached out for help for 'me' as selfish as that sounds. I thought one day I was going to snap.

I learned my dd had a sleep disorder. Once she started sleeping regularly and through the night ..daytime was better. I learned that I am/was her problem. I would give up and she would 'win' in a sense. I did not project consistency in ANYTHING. She was great at school because from day 1 it was about a 'schedule' and it was consistent. She needed that more than anything. They went to music at the same time, they went to lunch at the same time, the rules were posted for behavior and what the consequences were etc. We began that at home. I tried to never engage in the battle. When it started, she understood the consequences for the behavior and I refused to give in.

Once I was more consistent with her, once the rules were established and there was no deviation it was 100% better. It wasn't overnight but the progress was obvious within a week. Mom was no longer a push over. As another poster commented it was more about control and me.

Yes, we still had issues. Yes, I still had moments where I wondered what the heck I was going to do. But they became fewer and farther between once she learned to 'control' herself. Then we could start learning coping techniques that would help her even more.

Today she is a mom to 2 and a great one at that. She is going to school and is married to a Marine. Lots of times her life is not very consistent but she is HANDLING it. And that is the best part for me.

Kelly

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

OP, I just wanted to thank you for posting this thread. I have wanted to for so long, because I am going through the same thing with my DS (10). It has gone on for way to long, and I need to stop it now. At his age though, it's a little embarrassing to talk about.

Like others, he is very well behaved at school. Two years ago he was not doing well in reading, and would not focus. I asked his teacher if she thought he may be ADD. (because of home behavior as well) The school system ran all kinds of tests, and after months of this, it came back normal. I also talked to his Dr. about it, again, normal.

He will be fine at school, then he will get into the car in the afternoons and snap. It's like flipping a switch. Not on most days, but sometimes.

He has gotten a little better, however his explosive anger is still in him daily. He will get so mad over the dumbest things. If I don't do something fast enough, or if I refuse to get something for him that he can do himself, DD can look at him wrong, and off he goes. He will slam doors, scream and carry on. It's ridiculous. He even tells me that he hates me. Sometimes when it gets really bad, the only way I can calm him down is to talk him into taking a shower. It gives him time to think and to calm down. Once he gets out, he is fine. Needless to say, he is a very clean child.

I have also noticed that it's hard to get his mind off of something once he is focused on it. It's like he is going to get it no matter what.

Recently he has made some improvements, and I brag about it when I see it. He is doing well in school, he is really proud of that. I have to study a lot with his sister and he has been jealous of that. So he has requested that I study with him more too, which is great, but this leads me to think this is an attention thing, or a control thing over me

Another big issue is that he has to be with me all the time. He wants to know where I am in the house, he will not go to bed unless I am lying down with him, and after I get up at night and go to my room, it's nothing for him to wake up later and come get me. I am also giving him Melatonin at night to help him sleep, but it does not keep him asleep. This has been a big issue for me, because I am not sleeping well at all either. You see that it's almost 1am my time.I'm sorry this was so long. I am going to go back and re read this thread. I have not had a chance to read it all, but there is some great advice here from what I have read, that I am going to try. Hopefully it will help me out too.

Bolding mine. This was a big issue with my DS for a long time, he would not sleep unless I was with him, I would get him to sleep, put him to bed, then he would wake up and come looking for me. Since my DS was younger it was easier to deal with. First I explained to him that he didn't fit in my bed anymore and that "Mommy is grumpy because I'm not sleeping well". Once we started the melatonin to get him to fall asleep I would put three pennies in his doorway. Each time he got up at night (except to use the bathroom, he was nighttime potty training) he would lose a penny. If he got in my bed he would lose all three, if he stayed in his room all night he got to keep whatever pennies were left. When he was still learning to put himself to sleep I would allow him to look at a book or play with a quiet toy in his bed for a little while, too. It worked wonderfully with him. Maybe you could do something similar with quarters.

OP, many hugs to you! I have a dd23 who was diagnosed at a young age with ADD/ODD. I know that you are not ready for a 'label' as I know that feeling well. I hated the thought that she would be labeled in school. Like you, my dd was great in school - at home..it was a constant and daily battle. Finally I reached out for help for 'me' as selfish as that sounds. I thought one day I was going to snap.

I learned my dd had a sleep disorder. Once she started sleeping regularly and through the night ..daytime was better. I learned that I am/was her problem. I would give up and she would 'win' in a sense. I did not project consistency in ANYTHING. She was great at school because from day 1 it was about a 'schedule' and it was consistent. She needed that more than anything. They went to music at the same time, they went to lunch at the same time, the rules were posted for behavior and what the consequences were etc. We began that at home. I tried to never engage in the battle. When it started, she understood the consequences for the behavior and I refused to give in.

Once I was more consistent with her, once the rules were established and there was no deviation it was 100% better. It wasn't overnight but the progress was obvious within a week. Mom was no longer a push over. As another poster commented it was more about control and me.

Yes, we still had issues. Yes, I still had moments where I wondered what the heck I was going to do. But they became fewer and farther between once she learned to 'control' herself. Then we could start learning coping techniques that would help her even more.

Today she is a mom to 2 and a great one at that. She is going to school and is married to a Marine. Lots of times her life is not very consistent but she is HANDLING it. And that is the best part for me.

Kelly

Bolding mine. I struggle with this as well. I get tired, worn down, so I just want to give him what he wants to head off a tantrum and make things easier on myself. It's easier now that he's in school, though, because I have day time to get what I need to taken care of and some "me" time so I'm rejuvenated when he gets back home.

 

[princessmom29]

The actual percentage is believed to be closer to 3% of people who have mood disorders. What a lot of people are discussing here are the 3% that do need additional help because it isn't just about being held responsible for their behavior. And what I'm reading here also are people saying there are consequences for bad behavior, but it doesn't change their ability to control the behavior. In my house, I have always held my DD responsible for her behavior. She does have consequences, but it only works when her mood is stable. When her brain chemicals aren't working right, nothing will help.

I found Ross Greene's description of this as "vapor lock" to be particularly helpful. When DD goes into meltdown mode, there's no useful information entering her brain or being processed in a useful manner. All reasonable thinking shuts down, and no consequences change that.



One of the most difficult days I had was the day when I realized that I actually wanted DD's psychologist to tell me that I was just a poor parent, because then it would mean that all I had to do was learn to be more like Super Nanny and everything would be fine. The alternative was that something was really wrong with DD and it would be something that she likely would have to deal with for the rest of her life. There are still days when I experience true grief for what DD must live with.

My problem with this is that I see a lot more than 3 % of children with violent outbursts that are being written off by parents as "he can't help it". If you just look at this message board Ise it all the time here. Surely the whole 3% are not concetrated here. I absolutely believe that a small percentage of children do have mood disorders that cause this kind of behavior. We have a history of bipolar disorder in my family, and I have seen the results of that gonig untreated. I get it, I really do, but that is a really rare circumstance. I think that in general children are overdiagnosed with this or that condition, when really the answer is not to find an excuse for thier behavior, but to hold them accountable for as long as it takes to fix it. Most children who exhibit this kind of behavior AREN'T like your DD, and I can see the difference, having dealt with both sides of the coin mental illness and poor discipline. I totally get what you are saying, but was just trying to point out that it is rare. The vast majority of children who act this way CAN control thier behavior, they are just not being held accountable for it. That really stinks for kids like your DD becuase they can get lumped in with all of the kids who are just not getting consistent discipline to control thier outbursts.

 

[design_mom]

I had a question for those who put their kids on a gluten-free diet. Can you let me know if it has to be completely gluten-free (not just limited) and how long you have to do it before you begin to know if it's working for your child.

My child is not as explosive as some in this thread are describing, but she's very argumentative and willful, and I definitely resonate with "everything's a battle." And none of the strategies that worked with DS work for DD ... at all.

Last July, we put her on a diet that does not include any artificial dyes. It certainly hasn't been a magic bullet, but it has definitely "taken the edge off." However, she has to be *completely* free of dye...or you might as well not bother. She had Kool-aid at a friend's house and it threw off her behavior for a week. At the beginning, it took about 2 weeks before we started seeing results.

A friend of mine has suggested we try a gluten free diet for DD (she is convinced that gluten-free cured her fibromyalgia.) I would be willing to try it, but it would be a major lifestyle change for our family (I love bread!)... so if we try it, I would like to know what I'm in for and when we should look for results.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

My problem with this is that I see a lot more than 3 % of children with violent outbursts that are being written off by parents as "he can't help it". If you just look at this message board Ise it all the time here. Surely the whole 3% are not concetrated here. I absolutely believe that a small percentage of children do have mood disorders that cause this kind of behavior. We have a history of bipolar disorder in my family, and I have seen the results of that gonig untreated. I get it, I really do, but that is a really rare circumstance. I think that in general children are overdiagnosed with this or that condition, when really the answer is not to find an excuse for thier behavior, but to hold them accountable for as long as it takes to fix it. Most children who exhibit this kind of behavior AREN'T like your DD, and I can see the difference, having dealt with both sides of the coin mental illness and poor discipline. I totally get what you are saying, but was just trying to point out that it is rare. The vast majority of children who act this way CAN control thier behavior, they are just not being held accountable for it. That really stinks for kids like your DD becuase they can get lumped in with all of the kids who are just not getting consistent discipline to control thier outbursts.

I see your point and I agree that definitely does happen, but in the OP's case, I think if she has been consistent and feels she has tried everything good advice would be to see a professional. They can either give her a diagnosis or give her ideas that she may not have tried to deal with his behavior. Some children don't respond to traditional "let the punishment fit the crime" types of discipline. My DS would find it hilarious to go to school in his pajamas if I tried that one , he would never get dressed again.

I have often thought *in my head* or mentioned to another adult that this is DS's personality, he has a behavior problem and he can't help it, but there are still consequences to him for his behavior and I would never let HIM hear the excuse that he can't help it because the idea is that eventually he will learn to, however I don't think consistent discipline will be enought to teach him that so we are going to see a psychiatrist.

And I want to mention, I have 4 other children (and I believe the OP said she has a daughter). My older 4 were disciplined very well using 1-2-3 Magic and now only require "the look" or for me to say "One" in a stern voice to get back in line. Dealing with this strong willed of a child is just completely different and stressful on a whole new level.

 

[rchristiansen]

Surely the whole 3% are not concetrated here. I absolutely believe that a small percentage of children do have mood disorders that cause this kind of behavior...... I totally get what you are saying, but was just trying to point out that it is rare. .

Correct, and there are over 300,000 registered members on this message board and about 10-15 people here on this thread who have come forward seeking help and support. 15/300,000 = statistically 0%.

That is why it's so difficult: Because it is so rare. We as parents can't find support in our community and we come here to a message board with a sigh of relief and a bit of happiness when we find that support.

In addition, many of these children have other issues at the same time, that are just as rare, giftedness, sensory disorder, ADHD, etc. In our circumstance, our DD is also identified as gifted, so not only do we have that issue to deal with, but also the corresponding emotional issues. Based on those odds, a teacher may go through their entire career and never encounter a child like that. I know our 3rd grade teacher was at a loss about what to do with our daughter. In fact she told us our daughter was not "normal" --- which was an awful thing for a teacher to say to to a parent. Statistically, yes, she falls outside of the 3 standard deviations that are considered to fall within a normal distribution, but still it hurts to hear you are not "normal".


So, yes, it is rare, but valid!

 

[I Believe n Fairies]

I know that you have gotten lots of replies and advice, but I wanted to chime in too. My ds is 6 and has always been challenging. He would argue, cry, hit the ground, cause a scene, you name it. Life is not easy with him.

Last year, against my better judgment, we sought professional help. It was hard and embarrassing calling a place with "psychiatric" in the name for my 6yo, but it has made all the difference. Have drs and counselors cured my son? No, but it has opened up all sorts of research for me on how best to parent him.

We closely monitor his diet now and it has made a HUGE impact on his behavior. If he does have a melt down it is most likely due to what he has eaten that day or due to the fact that he is hungry and doesn't know how to handle himself in that moment. We looked into the gf/cs diet but have not chosen to do that. Instead, we have eliminated most processed foods from his diet. He does not eat hfcs, white flour, snack cakes, things that come prepackaged (unless I carefully read ingredients). He drink very little dairy, but more almond milk or a lactaid free milk. Some kids with behavior issues cannot process the components of milk.

Making sure he eats a protein breakfast (even if it's just a protein shake), protein lunch and a dinner with carbs helps keep him more balanced. I make sure he eats a snack as soon as he is home from school too.

We also make sure he gets an early bedtime too. He functions much better. And if needed, we will give him melatonin to help him sleep better. Once he consistently gets good sleep and eats more whole foods, we have noticed a tremendous difference in our ds's behavior. It's not perfect, but much better.

One more thing, sorry. We also build in lots of lag time in his morning. He has an alarm that goes off at 6am to music. I do not need him out of bed until about 6:30 so if he lays in bed a bit, it's fine. He does not do well when we rush in the mornings and have found that if we build in time for him to be a little slow, we all do MUCH better in the mornings.

 

[pperfectmom]

I see your point and I agree that definitely does happen, but in the OP's case, I think if she has been consistent and feels she has tried everything good advice would be to see a professional. They can either give her a diagnosis or give her ideas that she may not have tried to deal with his behavior. Some children don't respond to traditional "let the punishment fit the crime" types of discipline. My DS would find it hilarious to go to school in his pajamas if I tried that one , he would never get dressed again.

I totally understand where you're coming from and with 4 other kids I have no idea how hard your day to day life must be. The thing is I really DON'T think we've been consistent or tried everything after reading all this advice. I had a talk with DH last night about how we needed to maintain control no matter what. I know it's easier for me than him, but he said he would try. On the bright side last night was very pleasant. Dinner, bath, bed time and computer time(which almost always ends in a grounding from the computer) all went smoothly. I'm sincerely hoping we can read up and try a few different things to make our home more peaceful. I don't want a perfect child. I just want some peace now and then. I'm glad I started this thread to give others the chance to talk out these issues and to see what everyone else does in this situation. I know there is no standard answer that will apply to us all but maybe we can all find the right formula for our own family.

 

[rchristiansen]

I have a question for those that have done food changes - my daughter eats really well, fruits veggies, etc. She really doesn't like meat all that much and will eat fish if I force her. I'm a HUGE Dr. Oz fan and recently got a bunch of highly concentrated DHA Omega 3 pills for me and DH to try and get MY (sigh) cholesterol down just a little more. But I also found a version for kids and figured, why not I'll buy that too for DD. I know that Omega 3 are supposed to help with brain function -- Anyone have experience with this?

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

OP, I hate to say it (because I'm not one who is 100% against a paddling), but the spanking won't help.

Don't get me wrong, I got a couple of good whippin's in my day, and I did "resort" to it with DS - it has no effect.

DS went through a stage like that (and he is starting to do it again). My friend asked me how much time he was spending at home. He is always soooooo good for everyone but us. This all happened over summer break (I work at a high school) and I was home with him. Every day. No matter what the rules or regulations or activities that commenced, he was a holy terror. Diet was not a source of the problem (we tested). What helped was getting him away from us for a little bit. Be it a playdate or preschool or letting him run it out at the park.

 

[princessmom29]

I see your point and I agree that definitely does happen, but in the OP's case, I think if she has been consistent and feels she has tried everything good advice would be to see a professional. They can either give her a diagnosis or give her ideas that she may not have tried to deal with his behavior.

I didn't read it as she had tried everything, just that what sha had tried hadn't worked, and the OP has since come back and confirmed that. I just really bothers me that so many in our socitey are so eager to jump to a diagnosis rather that sticking it out an applying solid parenting. I see it all the time in my job. Kids are labeled ODD or EC or whatever the current "in" term is when in reality what they need is solid, no excuses parenting and consistent discipline. That label is then used as an excuse NOT to disciple because "they can't help it". A behavior issue that needs to be ironed out in and of itself does not mean that a child needs a diganosis or a therapist. It means they need consistent discipline. All I am saying is give the discipline a chance to do its job before running to the therapist, and make sure you have done everything in YOUR power before going that route.

 

[I Believe n Fairies]

I have a question for those that have done food changes - my daughter eats really well, fruits veggies, etc. She really doesn't like meat all that much and will eat fish if I force her. I'm a HUGE Dr. Oz fan and recently got a bunch of highly concentrated DHA Omega 3 pills for me and DH to try and get MY (sigh) cholesterol down just a little more. But I also found a version for kids and figured, why not I'll buy that too for DD. I know that Omega 3 are supposed to help with brain function -- Anyone have experience with this?

Each morning my kids get vitamins and fish oil/omega 3's made by little critters. They do not have any artificial flavors or colors and that was very important to me. I also give them a childs dose of magnesium. In my research, I found that as much as 97% of kids dx with add/adhd have low levels of mag. I see a difference in concentration and overall health. My daughter had some minor facial ticks and I had read that low mag can be one reason this happens, and since she has her mag in the morning, facial ticks have disappeared.

Also, my kids ate well, but not great. And in hindsight, it was not a very balanced diet. Now, I do make sure that they get more protein in the morning and carbs at bedtime. Some fruits are naturally high in sugar and it can attribute to "bouncy" behavior, at least I have noticed this with my kids.