Help settle an argument...

[LisaR]

I was talking about taking care of the house and such, bills, errands, kid maintenance, etc. When he is off I may ask him to pick up the kids from school or whatever, but unless I ask it's generally assumed it's my responsibility.

I don't know if I have a princess attitude, I would say he has it pretty good that he rarely has to do anything around the house, and he can spend his days off watching tv or doing as he please. The kids and I kind of run our own lives, go to church and the pool and such, and he can do whatever. He is welcome to join us, but normally he just wants to chill out and relax.

And I know my replies are coming out much more defensive than I mean. Our marriage I would say is pretty happy except for this. We talk a lot and he tells me his work stories, and we do what married couples do. This is just one of those areas we disagree on and neither of us are bending. It doesn't mean we are headed for divorce.

So your marriage is happy aside from the fact that your husband says he feels unappreciated?

Sorry but your marriage has issues. You feel like you do everything and he does nothing. That is not the sign of a happy marriage and if you believe it is, you are missing out. If I resented my husband for what he did or didn't do every day, I can't imagine saying our marriage was happy.

 

[ajk912]

I feel sorry for the guy, he's married to a little girl. No wonder he doesn't wanna spend time with the family. If I was in his shoes I wouldn't!

I think if anyone is acting juvenile..I would say that behavior would be (if that was the case) if he was ignoring his family because he wasn't able to sleep in.

And I stink at multiquoting..but really..I think this is just a minor spat, everything is fine. I think it's been blown WAYYY out of proportion, not that that EVER happen on the DIS.

 

[ZachnElli]

I'm a SAHM with 3 kids and when dh wants a little extra sleep, I keep them quiet and I certainly don't YELL up the stairs, just because it's easier! The tv volume will need be louder when the kids are home, yes, I agree there, but they don't need to yell while he's watching tv. When I do the laundry, I do all the laundry, including socks. I really don't get the "I don't do socks" thing.

 

[wvjules]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

And that, folks, is a problem! How can you not see that?

 

[disneygirl 17]

ajk912 - I am sorry about what some of the comments have been on this thread. Truth is, not one person can just the state of your marriage since they are not a part of - or involved in your marriage. Different things work for different people.

My husband works long hours but he still finds time to spend with our daughter on his days off. Not all day but some time. No matter how tired he is...he knows that his child is #1 no matter what.

I would either sit down and talk with him...compromise with something that works for both of you and your family. It is your family and it will be what you guys make it.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Maybe I would compromise..but he needs to come up with a solution, instead of expecting me to fix his problem. Since so many people say it's passive aggressive, maybe I do have a problem with his sleeping in and I just don't realize it. Maybe if he would come to me and say, "Hey, I would really appreciate it if you keep the kids quiet in the morning so I can sleep in. I will make dinner and clean up tonight if you would do that for me tomorrow." I would be FLOORED if he did that. Floored. And no..I am certainly not going to go to HIM and make that request, because then it would turn into him doing me a favor, when that's not the case at all.

Sorry, no - you BOTH need to come up with a solution.

It sounds to me like neither one of you feel appreciated and valued by the other. Right now you're both feeding off the negative - "She won't let me sleep-in in peace so heck no, I'm not picking up the kids/starting dinner/mowing the lawn" and "What the heck has he done for me lately? Why should I let him sleep in when I have to do everything for the household?"

You're both right and both so very wrong.

I would suggest finding a peaceful time to sit down with DH and let him know that you're not feeling appreciated. Let him know that you'd be willing to give some leeway to him but he needs to give it back. You both need to find a way to divy chores up so that you both come away feeling supported. Because you said yourself how surprised you were at the comments you've received on this thread, don't be surprised if your DH isn't very accomodating to a "talk". You may need to get a third party - marriage counselor - involved so that you both can start getting over your resentment and see the good that can come if you both give to each other.

to both of you.

I gave this same advice to DSIL when she would complain about my DB#1. She didn't heed it. They're separated now with 3 kids - 9, 8, & 6 - just 12 years before the youngest was 18 and they'd finally have a quiet house.

 

[ajk912]

I just sent him a text that said: "sorry you feel unappreciated maybe we can come up with a compromise"

Then another text "I do appreciate all you do, silly "

We'll see what he says, but I am off, so I will try to update later (if anyone cares ). I have a lot to do today and I am behind already.

 

[SaraJayne]

I think if anyone is acting juvenile..I would say that behavior would be (if that was the case) if he was ignoring his family because he wasn't able to sleep in.

And I stink at multiquoting..but really..I think this is just a minor spat, everything is fine. I think it's been blown WAYYY out of proportion, not that that EVER happen on the DIS.

From the tiny amount of details you've given in this thread, no, your marriage is not fine.

 

[disneygirl 17]

I almost forgot...the socks thing

"And then he keeps bringing up his socks in arguments..because I refuse to organize his socks and put them all in a basket and he can sort his own..he has an interesting (to me) eye for shading, and with a zillion black socks, his idea of matching isn't my idea of matching. This sock may be a tad more faded..oh for pete's sake, I refuse to get dragged into sock drama so he can sort his own socks. Sorry. I am tempted to give in on this one though, since he keeps bringing it up, and tell him after finals I will sort his socks if he's THAT hung up on it."

Are you serious? Is this seriously worth him starting an arguement over. I personally don't think so. To me life is too short to argue over this kind of stuff. If you do your best and it isn't good enough....he needs to get over it.

 

[wenrob]

I just sent him a text that said: "sorry you feel unappreciated maybe we can come up with a compromise"

Then another text "I do appreciate all you do, silly "

We'll see what he says, but I am off, so I will try to update later (if anyone cares ). I have a lot to do today and I am behind already.

Good for you!

 

[taximomfor4]

OP, I am going to ONLY address the noise thing. Seems like 2 different "noise" issues

1.) You yelling to the kids in the mornings to save steps/time... I think it IS inconsiderate and doesn't set a good example for the kids.

2.) "Normal" Kid Noise... If someone is watching TV, talking on the phone, having a conversation, or doing some other activity that noise interferes with, kids, IMO, should be taught to take their noise elsewhere. If they don't learn AT HOME about indoor/outdoor voices, where will they learn it? I ask my kids: would you do this if your teacher (minister, grandmother, cashier, librarian, etc) were on the phone, watching tv, whatever, WHY would you think it's ok to do it when your parent is? That said, I expect indoor voices EVERYWHERE indoors...libraries, restaurants, McDonald's, grocery stores, and yes, in the house.

In the mornings, until about 10 or so, I expect even MORE quiet than the rest of the day. I am awake, and alert, but am super, SUPER noise sensitive and irritable in the mornings. I function, but am not very nice. I know it, the kids know it. They deal well with it, and in return I give dd11 the same respect when she is irritable and noise-sensitive after school. We give the same to DH when he is irritable, tired, and noise-sensitive around bedtime. Something to think about?

Good luck to you, and may I suggest you read this thread again once your finals are over? Once you shed the stress of that, you very well may see things in a new light. (Hugs, just cuz you sound like you need it).

 

[shortbun]

Get him some of those little malable ear plugs and one of those white noise machines. Then go buy that $80 intercom. Train one of your kids to sort his socks. You are as busy or busier than he is. Does he not get that? Why does he feel more entitled than you? Some of these people here have said, he works hard and deserves to have a quiet house(or something similar); have they not read what is on your plate? You win darlin and you should be allowed to keep the house as you see fit, including the socks. I'm all for allowing Dad a quiet nap on the weekends but if he's just laying around all weekend, every weekend and demanding quiet...he's needing a reality check.

 

[MushyMushy]

I just sent him a text that said: "sorry you feel unappreciated maybe we can come up with a compromise"

Then another text "I do appreciate all you do, silly "

We'll see what he says, but I am off, so I will try to update later (if anyone cares ). I have a lot to do today and I am behind already.

Aw, that was sweet!

I have to say that I've totally been in your shoes! I spent most of my kids' younger years working on my degree and staying home while my husband worked. It's not easy to find compromise and balance!

 

[Feralpeg]

Isn't marriage about give and take? I see so many threads where a person complains that their spouse doesn't realize how hard they work. Is it a contest about who does the most? As a couple, I would think you would decide, together, who does what. After that, it is about respect for both parties.

OP, I think you need to tone down the noise when your husband wants to sleep. Just because you are an early riser doesn't mean he should have to suffer. It won't kill the kids to realize that they are not the only ones in the house and that they need to respect others.

As for the socks, I don't think it is a big deal to sort them, but if you don't want to do it, don't. If you think he should be doing more around the house, discuss it with him.

Don't make it a battle.

 

[Tinkh]

I would tell my husband that the world does NOT revolve around him and that we all like to relax. Being a full-time mom and student is extremely hard and I am in the same boat. Our children are full-time students as well and like to blow off steam. Seems he is in the minority of how he spends his unwind time. Tell him to turn the tv up if he can not hear it and buy some earplugs for the mornings. If he does not like that, then tell him you will be in the bed while he does everything you do. I will never be intentionally mean to my husband of 10 years, but by gosh I will not cater to his whims either. I still remember how much I HATED when my stepdad was home on weekends. My mom was a freak those days.. telling us to whisper, go outside and away from home, not having friends over etc. My stomach would be in knots trying to keep him asleep so they would not be irritated. Majority rules in our house that simple. I would NOT be running to each kid to tell them stuff. That is ridiculous.. so a grown man can have a lay about. God bless! Hope it gets better.

 

[Tinkh]

get him some of those little malable ear plugs and one of those white noise machines. Then go buy that $80 intercom. Train one of your kids to sort his socks. You are as busy or busier than he is. Does he not get that? Why does he feel more entitled than you? Some of these people here have said, he works hard and deserves to have a quiet house(or something similar); have they not read what is on your plate? You win darlin and you should be allowed to keep the house as you see fit, including the socks. I'm all for allowing dad a quiet nap on the weekends but if he's just laying around all weekend, every weekend and demanding quiet...he's needing a reality check.

icam!!!!

 

[MushyMushy]

I would tell my husband that the world does NOT revolve around him and that we all like to relax. Being a full-time mom and student is extremely hard and I am in the same boat. Our children are full-time students as well and like to blow off steam. Seems he is in the minority of how he spends his unwind time. Tell him to turn the tv up if he can not hear it and buy some earplugs for the mornings. If he does not like that, then tell him you will be in the bed while he does everything you do. I will never be intentionally mean to my husband of 10 years, but by gosh I will not cater to his whims either. I still remember how much I HATED when my stepdad was home on weekends. My mom was a freak those days.. telling us to whisper, go outside and away from home, not having friends over etc. My stomach would be in knots trying to keep him asleep so they would not be irritated. Majority rules in our house that simple. I would NOT be running to each kid to tell them stuff. That is ridiculous.. so a grown man can have a lay about. God bless! Hope it gets better.

I don't know why letting a spouse sleep in is catering to their whims. I'm far from being a perfect wife (FAR, far, far away ) but I have absolutely no problem letting my husband sleep in on his day off. People need different levels of sleep... and quiet for that matter.

 

[wenrob]

As for the socks, I don't think it is a big deal to sort them, but if you don't want to do it, don't. If you think he should be doing more around the house, discuss it with him.

Don't make it a battle.

It's not that she won't sort his socks but that she won't anal retentively sort them by SHADE. My DH doesn't like that I don't fold his t-shirts with the logos out, so he folds his own rather then make it a big deal. According to the OP her DH throws not doing the socks his way as a sign of not appreciating him.

 

[wenrob]

I don't know why letting a spouse sleep in is catering to their whims. I'm far from being a perfect wife (FAR, far, far away ) but I have absolutely no problem letting my husband sleep in on his day off. People need different levels of sleep... and quiet for that matter.

My problem with this is he's spending his entire days off in bed. I'm betting she has more of an issue with that then him actually sleeping in. I'm not Dr. Phil but I bet dollars to doughnuts whether purposefully or not that's why she doesn't want to change the routine.

 

[wvjules]

It's not that she won't sort his socks but that she won't anal retentively sort them by SHADE. My DH doesn't like that I don't fold his t-shirts with the logos out, so he folds his own rather then make it a big deal. According to the OP her DH throws not doing the socks his way as a sign of not appreciating him.

I think the DH probably feels unappreciated because his wife and children have no concerns for his wishes. Daddy wants to sleep in on his day off? Too bad. Daddy would like to actually be able to hear the TV? Too bad. Lets continue yelling and who cares what daddy wants. You said he works 70 hours a week? There is nothing wrong with him wanting peace and quiet on his off days. Sounds like he works hard to provide for his family and gets no consideration at home. He probably stays home when you all go out just so he can get some peace and quiet for a change.