Help settle an argument...

[Toad_Passenger]

These are where I got the sleeping all day. My bad I misinterpreted. Even still, he's spending his days not interacting with the family and has all day to chill before the kids get home.
Honestly I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that. As I stated several times, my DH put in a lot of hours, sometimes we barely see him but he spends his free time with the kids. I give him a break, he gives me a break.

But your DH is not the OP's DH, nor is it me. We all have different levels of sleep/rest that we need in order to function. As I said, I'm okay with very little, but DW needs 8-9 hours or it won't be pretty. We've come to some great compromises to ensure she gets that.

 

[wenrob]

But your DH is not the OP's DH, nor is it me. We all have different levels of sleep/rest that we need in order to function. As I said, I'm okay with very little, but DW needs 8-9 hours or it won't be pretty. We've come to some great compromises to ensure she gets that.

I totally get that and honestly as I said before I don't think the real issue is sleeping in or not. Reading the OPs posts her DH does not seem engaged with his family. If even 50% of what she is saying is accurate then it would make me resentful too, kwim? He works hard, he needs his sleep but he really needs to hang out with the family too.

 

[Tinkh]

"Their world," not his? I don't even know what to say to that! Any husband or wife who feels that way is on a sure path to divorce court.

What??? I do not get what you find in that statement that is not healthy for a marriage? Their world. Meaning the husband, wife and children. They must all live together. The house is not HIS. Their world is not HIS. The life they share is theirs. That is a wonderful way to approach any relationship in my opinion.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

What??? I do not get what you find in that statement that is not healthy for a marriage? Their world. Meaning the husband, wife and children. They must all live together. The house is not HIS. Their world is not HIS. The life they share is theirs. That is a wonderful way to approach any relationship in my opinion.

Which is why, when the OP posted about running her house 100% the way she WANTS, it threw people for a loop. It's not HER world, either, so her "my way or the highway" position on the whole thing sounded just as bad as what she feels her DH is doing. And, unfortunately, if it is that attitude that is affecting him, he may be leaning toward going the "highway" route.

 

[sasywtch]

Little things start to add up. I didn't listen to my husband, thought he'd get over it because my way was the right way. Divorced years ago : )

In your posts, I can see resentment. He may be feeling unappreciated which makes you resentful because his job ends at the end of the day, he gets 2 days away from the job on days when he knows the house is empty. I'd be resentful too a little. Who are you to say you aren't appreciated when you get to sleep in when I have to get the kids to school and pick them up and blah blah......(usually how it goes it your head I'm assuming).

I would definitely get a babsitter and have a talk. Allow each person to say what they want to say without the fear of hurting the other. See if you can come up with a compromise. Can he take a Sun/Mon or Fri/Sat off? On his days off, he can pick up the kids and one day bbq for dinner.

My ex use to get home at midnight so we did tippy toe around in the morning. It was no big deal to do for 45 minutes. I wouldn't have yelled across the house. He did however, get up and do the yard work and cooked a couple of nights a week. (which I didn't enjoy as he is a MESSY cook). Resentment did build on my part as my day wasn't done until 11pm when I got up at 6am. One thing I learned is my husband would make remarks in line of yours (not appreciated) when something deeper was going on he really wanted to say. (he felt his job wasn't what he wanted, I jumped on him about the kids when he got home, etc. I'm like that too, I complain about something else instead of what's really bothering me. Maybe both of you can write it out beforehand so you two can discuss it and come up with solutions agreeable to both of you. No blaming, just "this is how I feel when you do this".

 

[wenrob]

Which is why, when the OP posted about running her house 100% the way she WANTS, it threw people for a loop. It's not HER world, either, so her "my way or the highway" position on the whole thing sounded just as bad as what she feels her DH is doing. And, unfortunately, if it is that attitude that is affecting him, he may be leaning toward going the "highway" route.

True, I'm wondering if that was said in the heat of the moment though. I'm not saying the OPs experience is mine but I do know what it's like to have running things 100% left up to me and then having what feels like the law being laid down. (see my very first post) You tend to get defensive when someone is not there (or is not engaging) and then wants you to do things their way. I'm not saying it's right to feel that way but I sure can understand it. In the same respect I can see him saying I work darn hard I just want some quiet. I really can. As has been mentioned several times a compromise needs to be established.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I think the DH probably feels unappreciated because his wife and children have no concerns for his wishes. Daddy wants to sleep in on his day off? Too bad. Daddy would like to actually be able to hear the TV? Too bad. Lets continue yelling and who cares what daddy wants. You said he works 70 hours a week? There is nothing wrong with him wanting peace and quiet on his off days. Sounds like he works hard to provide for his family and gets no consideration at home. He probably stays home when you all go out just so he can get some peace and quiet for a change.

Absolutely. There are 168 hours in a week. He spends 70 of those hours working (which is a lot of hours regardless of whether or not OP thinks that's the "norm" for salaried managers). To come home to a spouse who has taken over the house and doesn't seem to care if the other spouse can get an extra 30 minutes of sleep in the morning after getting home at 9:00pm the night before would seem to be a downright miserable existence to me.

Which is why, when the OP posted about running her house 100% the way she WANTS, it threw people for a loop. It's not HER world, either, so her "my way or the highway" position on the whole thing sounded just as bad as what she feels her DH is doing. And, unfortunately, if it is that attitude that is affecting him, he may be leaning toward going the "highway" route.

Exactly. The attutide I'm getting from the OP is, "Too bad, so sad. This is my house and this is the way I run it. If you want to ask me as a special favor to let you sleep in the morning or be able to hear the TV, then I might consider controlling myself or the kids if I'm in a good mood. But it's going to cost you."

Methinks the guy already knows it's going to cost him regardless of whether he stays married to the woman or not. He may have figured out that it's cheaper to just do his time until the kids are out of high school (or college) before he can finally get some peace on his own.

YMMV.

 

[Frantasmic]

What would be good to know is what time the husband normally works on the days he does work (it appears he puts in about 12-14 hour days)? If he is home at 6-8 most days, he's going in to work about 5 or 6 a.m.

This means that on weekends, when the kids and wife are not going to school, he's up very early. Is he making all sorts of "regular" (to him) noise while he gets ready when the family is sleeping? Or is he being fairly quiet so the family can sleep?

The real issue seems to be time spent with families, which the OP seems to think that hectic mornings while getting kids ready for school would be an excellent family bonding time!

So, on the weekends, while the dad is getting ready for work early in the morning, I think the rest of the family should get up early and bond then!

 

[MushyMushy]

What??? I do not get what you find in that statement that is not healthy for a marriage? Their world. Meaning the husband, wife and children. They must all live together. The house is not HIS. Their world is not HIS. The life they share is theirs. That is a wonderful way to approach any relationship in my opinion.

Ohhhhh, I see! I thought you were saying "their" meaning the kids and wife, not including the husband.

 

[SeaShelley]

I don't think it's a matter of who's right & who's wrong, but of common respect - on both parts. It shouldn't be so complicated.

 

[dawson5]

Absolutely. There are 168 hours in a week. He spends 70 of those hours working (which is a lot of hours regardless of whether or not OP thinks that's the "norm" for salaried managers). To come home to a spouse who has taken over the house and doesn't seem to care if the other spouse can get an extra 30 minutes of sleep in the morning after getting home at 9:00pm the night before would seem to be a downright miserable existence to me.

Exactly. The attutide I'm getting from the OP is, "Too bad, so sad. This is my house and this is the way I run it. If you want to ask me as a special favor to let you sleep in the morning or be able to hear the TV, then I might consider controlling myself or the kids if I'm in a good mood. But it's going to cost you."

Methinks the guy already knows it's going to cost him regardless of whether he stays married to the woman or not. He may have figured out that it's cheaper to just do his time until the kids are out of high school (or college) before he can finally get some peace on his own.

YMMV.

This is the second time I've seen the hours broken down. What I think needs to be mentioned is what she said (I think in the original post) that yes he works a lot of hours but feels that she does nothing because she is a stay at home mom. He goes to work for 70hrs a week, comes home and gets to unwind. Her week is a full seven days, whereas his is five. Her job begins first thing in the morning and doesn't end until the kids are in bed and she is in bed, his ends when his work day ends whether that is at 5pm or 9pm.

He said this morning that he feels unappreciated for all he does, blah blah..because we are so loud and he said when "I" worked fulltime he kept the house quieter and he ironed my clothes? And then he walked out the door before I could respond.

I am dumbfounded, really. Yes, I do not work right now, but I have three kids, I take care of the house and bills and household chores, the kids afterschool activities and run my daughter to physical therapy afterschool twice a week. I do all the errands, and usually the grasscutting too. When he is home he mostly does his own thing, but I may ask him to pick up the kids at school because I refuse to do EVERYTHING. Oh, and I am college student and I have finals this week which is stressing me out a bit.

Yes there should be give and take in a relationship, but I think she is resenting the fact that he feels because she does not earn a paycheck she does not work hard. That is what I keep picking up on this.

 

[Tinkh]

Ohhhhh, I see! I thought you were saying "their" meaning the kids and wife, not including the husband.

LOL Dang message boards So hard to detect what we mean sometimes!

 

[ajk912]

Ok, I am back for a bit before I have to pick up the kids from school and take my 9 year old to physical therapy. To answer a few questions:

I sent him a text because that's his preferred method of communication during the workday. He doesn't like phone calls unless it's an emergency, and after reading the responses I felt like I should say/do something before the end of the work day. BTW, he didn't respond to that BUT I did talk to him about one point and all seemed fine- it was a quick call because he needed me to look up something.

He does normally go to work between 5-8am, yes. Just varies depending on business level that day.

As for the sleeping all day part...that could happen, like I said, he takes days off during the week when we are gone, so he is free to do as he wishes because the rest of us are gone. I reign in my inner crabby lady (stolen idea from the other thread ) and don't drop hints about my broken garbage disposal, diswasher and cabinet brackets that need fixed..and hope that he will get to them someday. He normally just watches tv (and he does have earphones already, he watches a lot of streamed netflix, thanks for the suggestion though.)

I am actually thinking of asking him when he gets home- and saying that I feel bad that he feels unappreciated and he is missing sleep, and wondering if we can work out a compromise. I like the idea of one for one- that's great, he gets up on one of his days off and gets the kids up and off to school. I will use that day for my "me" time, and then the other day, I will keep the kids quiet so he can sleep in. My first guess is that will be a lot of work, and he will say no way. Can't blame him for that..he can sleep all day while we are at work/school (at least till summer) why go through all that work just to gain an hour in the morning.

Not to bash him or anything..it just takes longer to get the kids up and out than for average families, my middle dd is temporarily handicapped so we have to help her to her class since she is unable to carry her own backpack because of her walker. So it's not like..kick the kids out of the car in the carpool line and keep driving. We have to park, drag out her walker and all her crap, sign in at the office walk her back..unload her stuff, etc..the other kids are fine, they just go to their classes as usual it's just trickier with my 9 year old for the time being. I will be soooooooooooo happy when the day comes when she can carry a backpack again...she broke her femur back in October and she is healing but her limp is still pronounced enough that walking is still a struggle so she uses a walker.

So yeah..I think that will end the "you don't appreciate me" battle real quick if he is faced with the task of getting the kids up and dragging them out the door on a regular basis to get them to school.

And to be fair..he does have a trial run of it this Thursday..I have my first final at 8:30am sharp and can't be late. He did take that day as one of his days off to get the kids off to school, and after seeing what I go through he may realize that asking for it all to be done quietly is a kind of tall order. We'll see. Or maybe he will be all..I did it and it was fine..who knows?

I do love the guy but I think he can be a little bullheaded. Or maybe I am the one bullheaded (as so many people are saying) I know it can be tricky!!!

 

[declansdad]

Ok, I am back for a bit before I have to pick up the kids from school and take my 9 year old to physical therapy. To answer a few questions:

I sent him a text because that's his preferred method of communication during the workday. He doesn't like phone calls unless it's an emergency, and after reading the responses I felt like I should say/do something before the end of the work day. BTW, he didn't respond to that BUT I did talk to him about one point and all seemed fine- it was a quick call because he needed me to look up something.

He does normally go to work between 5-8am, yes. Just varies depending on business level that day.

As for the sleeping all day part...that could happen, like I said, he takes days off during the week when we are gone, so he is free to do as he wishes because the rest of us are gone. I reign in my inner crabby lady (stolen idea from the other thread ) and don't drop hints about my broken garbage disposal, diswasher and cabinet brackets that need fixed..and hope that he will get to them someday. He normally just watches tv (and he does have earphones already, he watches a lot of streamed netflix, thanks for the suggestion though.)

I am actually thinking of asking him when he gets home- and saying that I feel bad that he feels unappreciated and he is missing sleep, and wondering if we can work out a compromise. I like the idea of one for one- that's great, he gets up on one of his days off and gets the kids up and off to school. I will use that day for my "me" time, and then the other day, I will keep the kids quiet so he can sleep in. My first guess is that will be a lot of work, and he will say no way. Can't blame him for that..he can sleep all day while we are at work/school (at least till summer) why go through all that work just to gain an hour in the morning.

Not to bash him or anything..it just takes longer to get the kids up and out than for average families, my middle dd is temporarily handicapped so we have to help her to her class since she is unable to carry her own backpack because of her walker. So it's not like..kick the kids out of the car in the carpool line and keep driving. We have to park, drag out her walker and all her crap, sign in at the office walk her back..unload her stuff, etc..the other kids are fine, they just go to their classes as usual it's just trickier with my 9 year old for the time being. I will be soooooooooooo happy when the day comes when she can carry a backpack again...she broke her femur back in October and she is healing but her limp is still pronounced enough that walking is still a struggle so she uses a walker.

So yeah..I think that will end the "you don't appreciate me" battle real quick if he is faced with the task of getting the kids up and dragging them out the door on a regular basis to get them to school.

And to be fair..he does have a trial run of it this Thursday..I have my first final at 8:30am sharp and can't be late. He did take that day as one of his days off to get the kids off to school, and after seeing what I go through he may realize that asking for it all to be done quietly is a kind of tall order. We'll see. Or maybe he will be all..I did it and it was fine..who knows?

I do love the guy but I think he can be a little bullheaded. Or maybe I am the one bullheaded (as so many people are saying) I know it can be tricky!!!

This whole post still makes it sound as if you believe he is the entire problem.

 

[punkin]

Methinks the guy already knows it's going to cost him regardless of whether he stays married to the woman or not. He may have figured out that it's cheaper to just do his time until the kids are out of high school (or college) before he can finally get some peace on his own.

YMMV.

I don't know how you can make this conjecture based on what OP wrote.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

And to be fair..he does have a trial run of it this Thursday..I have my first final at 8:30am sharp and can't be late. He did take that day as one of his days off to get the kids off to school, and after seeing what I go through he may realize that asking for it all to be done quietly is a kind of tall order. We'll see. Or maybe he will be all..I did it and it was fine..who knows?

Respectfully snipped and bolded.

You explained nicely the extra steps that need to be done for your 9 year old. But I still fail to see how getting up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and getting out the door (regardless of how long it takes) needs to be done at the decibel level of a jet engine? These are all fairly quiet activities, and, if the kids are kept on task, shouldn't require a lot of noise in the morning.

 

[ajk912]

Respectfully snipped and bolded.

You explained nicely the extra steps that need to be done for your 9 year old. But I still fail to see how getting up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and getting out the door (regardless of how long it takes) needs to be done at the decibel level of a jet engine? These are all fairly quiet activities, and, if the kids are kept on task, shouldn't require a lot of noise in the morning.

The bolded often happens. And I am sure it happens to many of us who have kids. Without fail, you think you are prepared, but they can't find the comb. Or their math book. Or their shoe. Or someone can't find their socks or their glasses. Or the kids are bickering and I am making lunches so I am not really hearing it. And we aren't screaming or "yelling" per say..but it is an open floor plan and we have high arched ceilings and the sound carries easily. Even in our bedroom upstairs, you can hear the dishwasher running downstairs in the kitchen which is PAST the open living room.

And if he worked midnights..or third shift..and it was a need and not a want for him to sleep in..I would go out of my way to make sure everything was in place the night before, and all we had to do was pour the cereal and the kids could put on the clothes that I laid out for them.

 

[Acklander]

A marriage should be a partnership. While I've never done any work with a marriage partnership, I've done tons of work with business partnerships and I've seen business partnerships failing over and over again for the exact same reason - People forget what their partner is bringing to the table.
When they forget what their partner is bringing, they start to feel taken advantage of, and the resentment builds up until they can't work together anymore.
I've never been a SAHM, so for DH and I it's always been easy. We both work, we both keep the house and kids together so therefore what we bring to the relationship is pretty comparable.
When you divide the duties between a couple, where one goes out to work and one stays home you have to work extra hard to remember what the other person is bringing to the table. Maybe for your DH, he see's himself working a lot of hours, brings home the paycheck, just to be told that he has to sort his own socks, can't sleep in because of all the noise, and has to turn up the TV just so it can be heard.
For the OP, she see's where she does all the stuff for the house (inside and out) all the running around with the kids, going to school, just to be told that she has to tiptoe around DH whenever he's home so he can have peace and quiet in his castle, and besides - who's offering to take over morning details so SHE can sleep in now and then?
Honestly, there's no right or wrong in the argument, you guys are going to have to figure out where the compromise is, but when figuring out the compromise - remember that BOTH of you have to work hard to see what the other person is bringing to the relationship.

 

[wenrob]

A marriage should be a partnership. While I've never done any work with a marriage partnership, I've done tons of work with business partnerships and I've seen business partnerships failing over and over again for the exact same reason - People forget what their partner is bringing to the table.
When they forget what their partner is bringing, they start to feel taken advantage of, and the resentment builds up until they can't work together anymore.
I've never been a SAHM, so for DH and I it's always been easy. We both work, we both keep the house and kids together so therefore what we bring to the relationship is pretty comparable.
When you divide the duties between a couple, where one goes out to work and one stays home you have to work extra hard to remember what the other person is bringing to the table. Maybe for your DH, he see's himself working a lot of hours, brings home the paycheck, just to be told that he has to sort his own socks, can't sleep in because of all the noise, and has to turn up the TV just so it can be heard.
For the OP, she see's where she does all the stuff for the house (inside and out) all the running around with the kids, going to school, just to be told that she has to tiptoe around DH whenever he's home so he can have peace and quiet in his castle, and besides - who's offering to take over morning details so SHE can sleep in now and then?
Honestly, there's no right or wrong in the argument, you guys are going to have to figure out where the compromise is, but when figuring out the compromise - remember that BOTH of you have to work hard to see what the other person is bringing to the relationship.

Wow, awesome post. Well thought out and hit the nail on the head.

 

[wvjules]

A marriage should be a partnership. While I've never done any work with a marriage partnership, I've done tons of work with business partnerships and I've seen business partnerships failing over and over again for the exact same reason - People forget what their partner is bringing to the table.
When they forget what their partner is bringing, they start to feel taken advantage of, and the resentment builds up until they can't work together anymore.
I've never been a SAHM, so for DH and I it's always been easy. We both work, we both keep the house and kids together so therefore what we bring to the relationship is pretty comparable.
When you divide the duties between a couple, where one goes out to work and one stays home you have to work extra hard to remember what the other person is bringing to the table. Maybe for your DH, he see's himself working a lot of hours, brings home the paycheck, just to be told that he has to sort his own socks, can't sleep in because of all the noise, and has to turn up the TV just so it can be heard.
For the OP, she see's where she does all the stuff for the house (inside and out) all the running around with the kids, going to school, just to be told that she has to tiptoe around DH whenever he's home so he can have peace and quiet in his castle, and besides - who's offering to take over morning details so SHE can sleep in now and then?
Honestly, there's no right or wrong in the argument, you guys are going to have to figure out where the compromise is, but when figuring out the compromise - remember that BOTH of you have to work hard to see what the other person is bringing to the relationship.