Help settle an argument...

[Tinkh]

I don't know why letting a spouse sleep in is catering to their whims. I'm far from being a perfect wife (FAR, far, far away ) but I have absolutely no problem letting my husband sleep in on his day off. People need different levels of sleep... and quiet for that matter.

I let my husband sleep in occasionally too, but she is talking about more than that. He wants the house to be quieter for his television habit, something about the shade of his socks and to sleep in on his days off. Where are her days off? He seems to be implying that the rest of the house does not have stress. School is stressful for the mom and the kids. I would not cowtow to him on all these. It is their world not his world. There is a big difference between trying to be sweet to your husband and everyone trying to be quieter occasionally to let him get a nice sleep in and what he is asking from them. Maybe I am wrong in that, but that is just how I assessed the original post.

 

[wenrob]

I think the DH probably feels unappreciated because his wife and children have no concerns for his wishes. Daddy wants to sleep in on his day off? Too bad. Daddy would like to actually be able to hear the TV? Too bad. Lets continue yelling and who cares what daddy wants. You said he works 70 hours a week? There is nothing wrong with him wanting peace and quiet on his off days. Sounds like he works hard to provide for his family and gets no consideration at home. He probably stays home when you all go out just so he can get some peace and quiet for a change.

Okay, let's flip this a little bit. Why is up to her to keep the kids quiet? Why can't he ask the kids to settle down? We're not in their house we don't know how it's set up. I have an open floor plan and indoor voices are loud, the whole place is loud no matter what. (eta: because it's open, not that we're purposefully being loud) There's nothing wrong with him wanting to watch some tv in peace but couldn't he do that while he is spending the day in bed? Instead of watching tv how about he hangs out with the kids? He seems to have the same lack of concern for her wishes. Why does he trump all?

 

[pipersmom]

Okay, I have to admit I'm a bit shocked at the number of 1950's "happy housewife" responses there were. OP stated dh gets home by 9pm most nights..let's say he goes to bed by 11pm..7am would be 8 hrs of sleep. Let's add on to that, he has two days off during the week when he can sleep as much as he wants once the kids get off to school! I don't blame her for being irritated. We live in a single level house, and I'll call out to my dd when dinner is ready, she needs to do something, etc. I don't consider it rude or lazy or disrespectful, nor did I when my mother did the same thing when my db and I were kids...just simple. It sounds like OP is doing the same thing, and I don't blame her, especially in the morning rush trying to get kids out the door for school! And IMO, no, she should not have to get herself and the kids up earlier to cater to his sleep..maybe if he was working graveyards, but not on the schedule he's on. Not saying there aren't other issues with each of them feeling unappreciated that need to be worked out, but "catering to poor dh who needs his sweepy-weepy" so he can ignore her and the kids and housework the rest of the time would not make me a happy wifey either.

 

[wvjules]

Okay, let's flip this a little bit. Why is up to her to keep the kids quiet? Why can't he ask the kids to settle down. We're not in their house we don't know how it's set up. I have an open floor plan and indoor voices are loud, the whole place is loud no matter what. There's nothing wrong with him wanting to watch some tv in peace but couldn't he do that while he is spending the day in bed? Instead of watching tv how about he hangs out with the kids? He seems to have the same lack of concern for her wishes. Why does he trump all?

Because he is sleeping?

Why doe she trump all? She's already said everything is done her way and she's going to continue doing it her way. DH be damned!

I bet if he gets more quiet/down time he will spend more time with the family. Right now it seems like he may be trying to escape them.

They both need to give.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay, let's flip this a little bit. Why is up to her to keep the kids quiet? Why can't he ask the kids to settle down? We're not in their house we don't know how it's set up. I have an open floor plan and indoor voices are loud, the whole place is loud no matter what. (eta: because it's open, not that we're purposefully being loud) There's nothing wrong with him wanting to watch some tv in peace but couldn't he do that while he is spending the day in bed? Instead of watching tv how about he hangs out with the kids? He seems to have the same lack of concern for her wishes. Why does he trump all?

Trumping is for card games and does not work well in marriages for happiness.

In my marriage we actually talk and work out a plan to accomodate both sides. Let me tell you that the TV headphones are manna from heaven.

The problem here is that both parties are combative and honestly that is the real issue. My guess is that there is more to the story and this is just the tip of the iceberg on BOTH sides.

 

[wenrob]

Because he is sleeping?

Why doe she trump all? She's already said everything is done her way and she's going to continue doing it her way. DH be damned!

I bet if he gets more quiet/down time he will spend more time with the family. Right now it seems like he may be trying to escape them.

They both need to give.

He's sleeping ALL DAY. I bet if he got up and helped her out with the kids then took a nap later he's be more up to spending time with them as well. I was more referring to him wanting it quiet while he is watching tv.

To be fair she has said she has contacted her DH and wants a compromise and a good talk.

For the record I don't think she trumps all but I think she's being painted as evil when what she really wants is her DH to more involved in day to day life. I just keep seeing he deserves his down time but she's not allowed any.

 

[wenrob]

Trumping is for card games and does not work well in marriages for happiness.

In my marriage we actually talk and work out a plan to accomodate both sides. Let me tell you that the TV headphones are manna from heaven.

The problem here is that both parties are combative and honestly that is the real issue. My guess is that there is more to the story and this is just the tip of the iceberg on BOTH sides.

Wrong kind of phrasing on my part. And I tend to agree that they are fighting each other rather then trying to compromise. A page back or so she did say she told him she wanted to talk.

 

[taximomfor4]

Another thought...OP, if you don't believe in Indoor Voices as a general, sweeping rule, can you discuss with your dh what appropriate "Quiet hours" would be? Doing a quick bit of math, and a little info from your pp's:

Your dh works 70 hours a week, and has 2 days off.

In his 5-day work week: 120 hours total
-70 working
-40 sleeping (8 hrs/night)
_____
10 hours (2 hours per day not working or sleeping)

It isn't a lot of time with you guys. I can see why you might be hurt/disappointed/frustrated when he wants quiet and TV time! I also can see why he's not got a lot left for you guys.

I'm not making a point, really, just thinking out loud (typing, lol)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He's sleeping ALL DAY. I bet if he got up and helped her out with the kids then took a nap later he's be more up to spending time with them as well. I was more referring to him wanting it quiet while he is watching tv.

To be fair she has said she has contacted her DH and wants a compromise and a good talk.

For the record I don't think she trumps all but I think she's being painted as evil when what she really wants is her DH to more involved in day to day life. I just keep seeing he deserves his down time but she's not allowed any.

I didn't look at it that way. It is funny how your own experiences alter your perception of the situation.

I have the "noise issue" here and we worked on a compromise. It can be a real issue for someone who is very sensitive to sound.

Now the sleeping in bed all day, not sure what that is about. A nap is one thing, all day is another.

I imagine that is why she is harsh with him. He should be mowing and helping out instead of sleeping all day. Maybe he has a undiagnosed mental or medical issue?

 

[Buckalew11]

who said he's sleeping all day? I do not remember reading that part.

LOL, sleeping in for DH would be 7:30, probably. But everyone can be up and at'em at 8:30--sleeping in or not. Otherwise, I think you're sick. haha

OP, if he wants to sleep all day long on his day off, then you'd better have that CTJmeeting really soon!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

When did it become that he's sleeping all day? The OP says sleeping "in" not "all day."

I just think that marriage is all about compromise and I'm glad to see that the OP has put out the olive branch to have a discussion.

I honestly think that if they can be quiet so he can get an extra 1-2 hours of sleep on his days off, it would probably make him more agreeable to getting back "in" with the family. Instead he is probably always trying to play "Catch up" on his sleep.

The OP has said she's an early riser, and so am I. I would never resent DW for taking those extra few hours on the weekend. It makes her a happier person, and gives her the energy to get done what she needs to get done. I would never play the martyr and say, "I do ALL of these things while YOU are sleeping in." Because, frankly, my body allows me to do a day's work on 5-6 hours of sleep.

Fatigue can take its toll and it usually comes with increased crankiness and withdrawal. I really think this about finding a good compromise.

 

[msjprincess]

He's sleeping ALL DAY. I bet if he got up and helped her out with the kids then took a nap later he's be more up to spending time with them as well. I was more referring to him wanting it quiet while he is watching tv.

To be fair she has said she has contacted her DH and wants a compromise and a good talk.

For the record I don't think she trumps all but I think she's being painted as evil when what she really wants is her DH to more involved in day to day life. I just keep seeing he deserves his down time but she's not allowed any.

You keep saying that but I can't find where the OP said he was spending the whole day in bed. Can you please point it out? I've re-read the the thread twice but I must be missing it.

 

[disykat]

I almost forgot...the socks thing

"And then he keeps bringing up his socks in arguments..because I refuse to organize his socks and put them all in a basket and he can sort his own..he has an interesting (to me) eye for shading, and with a zillion black socks, his idea of matching isn't my idea of matching. This sock may be a tad more faded..oh for pete's sake, I refuse to get dragged into sock drama so he can sort his own socks. Sorry. I am tempted to give in on this one though, since he keeps bringing it up, and tell him after finals I will sort his socks if he's THAT hung up on it."

Are you serious? Is this seriously worth him starting an arguement over. I personally don't think so. To me life is too short to argue over this kind of stuff. If you do your best and it isn't good enough....he needs to get over it.

This part of the argument makes total sense to me. He wants every sock to be perfectly matched, then he can do it himself. He is being unreasonable if he expects otherwise.

My dh folds all of his own laundry for that reason. If I do it for him, he redoes it all himself because I don't do it to his "standards." I the one who does the family laundry, but I leave his socks and underwear in a basket and the rest of his laundry hung over a chair so it won't wrinkle. When he's working overtime or otherwise busy sometimes I do it for him and he can't stand it - he always redoes it.

My dh also is not big on noise and thinks yelling from room to room is crass. His opinion on that doesn't necessarily change our behavior during the day, but we always make an effort to hold it down when someone is sleeping. I'm guessing if OP is a person who doesn't think noise after 7:30 am is a big deal, she's not big on sleeping in. It wouldn't make sense for her dh to get up to wrangle the kids if she's up anyway. My DH doesn't "get" the whole sleeping in thing, but he knows how much I enjoy it so he tries to accomodate me if he can. I do the same thing for him in the evening.

Like others, I suspect this whole resentment thing isn't about socks or sleeping in. It's about the OP feeling like her husband isn't participating with the family and she's doing it all. Certainly a valid concern. I think it's also resentment about her dh "taking his days off mid-week." It sounds like this might be a choice?

 

[declansdad]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

WOW!! No wonder he stays in bed.

 

[MushyMushy]

Maybe that's where our opinions are so different. I don't see where the OP said he's sleeping all day -- if that were the case, then yeah, something would need to change! Sleeping all day would be the sign of a much deeper problem (physically, psychologically, or whatever). The OP said sleeping in on his days off.

I agree with MM on the noise level. I hate persistent or loud noises and my kids managed just fine not making tons of noise in the house. Kids don't need a lot of noise to have fun or just live their day to day lives.

 

[MushyMushy]

I let my husband sleep in occasionally too, but she is talking about more than that. He wants the house to be quieter for his television habit, something about the shade of his socks and to sleep in on his days off. Where are her days off? He seems to be implying that the rest of the house does not have stress. School is stressful for the mom and the kids. I would not cowtow to him on all these. It is their world not his world. There is a big difference between trying to be sweet to your husband and everyone trying to be quieter occasionally to let him get a nice sleep in and what he is asking from them. Maybe I am wrong in that, but that is just how I assessed the original post.

"Their world," not his? I don't even know what to say to that! Any husband or wife who feels that way is on a sure path to divorce court.

 

[declansdad]

I just sent him a text that said: "sorry you feel unappreciated maybe we can come up with a compromise"

Then another text "I do appreciate all you do, silly "

We'll see what he says, but I am off, so I will try to update later (if anyone cares ). I have a lot to do today and I am behind already.

This is all you sent him??? That isn't going to solve anything and this shouldn't be done through a text message.

 

[declansdad]

Okay, I have to admit I'm a bit shocked at the number of 1950's "happy housewife" responses there were. OP stated dh gets home by 9pm most nights..let's say he goes to bed by 11pm..7am would be 8 hrs of sleep. Let's add on to that, he has two days off during the week when he can sleep as much as he wants once the kids get off to school! I don't blame her for being irritated. We live in a single level house, and I'll call out to my dd when dinner is ready, she needs to do something, etc. I don't consider it rude or lazy or disrespectful, nor did I when my mother did the same thing when my db and I were kids...just simple. It sounds like OP is doing the same thing, and I don't blame her, especially in the morning rush trying to get kids out the door for school! And IMO, no, she should not have to get herself and the kids up earlier to cater to his sleep..maybe if he was working graveyards, but not on the schedule he's on. Not saying there aren't other issues with each of them feeling unappreciated that need to be worked out, but "catering to poor dh who needs his sweepy-weepy" so he can ignore her and the kids and housework the rest of the time would not make me a happy wifey either.

I've been known to yell to my son as well but not while my wife is sleeping. That is rude and disrespectful.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Well I'm on your side about the kids playing and making some noise, etc., but he does not sound happy with family home life which is a huge red flag.

I agree. If I had a husband whom I was supporting who said he didn't mind me sleeping in but did all sorts of passive/agressive things like yelling up the stairs at kids while I was trying to sleep, I'd be sending up huge red flags to him as well.

 

[wenrob]

These are where I got the sleeping all day. My bad I misinterpreted. Even still, he's spending his days not interacting with the family and has all day to chill before the kids get home.
Honestly I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that. As I stated several times, my DH put in a lot of hours, sometimes we barely see him but he spends his free time with the kids. I give him a break, he gives me a break.

Thanks guys!!! I am actually really shocked by the answers. I don't think I am going to change, because he married me and he knows I am loud ..but maybe I will try to tone it down if I am feeling especially nice that day.

Here I thought I was being nice. I wake up with the kids, he gets to lay in bed and doze off (even if it's too loud to sleep, it sure beats waking up and getting all the kids out the door on time!!!!). That's what I was thinking...I would be worried he would be doing it wrong (Not sure how that could be...) but I couldn't do it..but if I was in his shoes I would be thinking, it's nice that I don't have to be more of a hands-on parent on my days off. Here I was thinking he had it good, because my dad was always the type that if he was off, he was still a member of the family so unless there was extenuating circumstances (once every 3 months, or he worked late, or whatever) he should get up and join the family. My DH dozes in bed on his days off, and I am the bad guy..I don't get that..but whatever. I am not offended by opinions on the DIS (usually) so I am interested in other opinions!!!

Either I mis-spoke or you mis-read, but the latest he is usually home is 9pm. He is a salaried manager so his schedule varies, normally he is home between 6-8. Sometimes 9, less than once a month later than 9pm. He does work a lot, usually 70 hours a week, but that's not uncommon anymore with salaried managers. He takes his days off during the week, so luckily if he wanted to he could sleep or watch tv most of the day when the rest of us are gone.

I was talking about taking care of the house and such, bills, errands, kid maintenance, etc. When he is off I may ask him to pick up the kids from school or whatever, but unless I ask it's generally assumed it's my responsibility.

I don't know if I have a princess attitude, I would say he has it pretty good that he rarely has to do anything around the house, and he can spend his days off watching tv or doing as he please. The kids and I kind of run our own lives, go to church and the pool and such, and he can do whatever. He is welcome to join us, but normally he just wants to chill out and relax.

And I know my replies are coming out much more defensive than I mean. Our marriage I would say is pretty happy except for this. We talk a lot and he tells me his work stories, and we do what married couples do. This is just one of those areas we disagree on and neither of us are bending. It doesn't mean we are headed for divorce.