Help settle an argument...

[allison443]

It may sound passive aggressive but it isn't. I don't mind him sleeping in but I am going to go about my day as I normally would. This is how mornings work in our house, and this is the way I get everyone out the door on time. It's only about an hour where we are rushing around, and then the house is quiet again when I go off to school or do my errands or whatever if he is off that day. I suppose I would could get up earlier where we are not rushing around and we could be quieter, but uh..that I will not do. I will not get up earlier so the house is quieter so he could sleep in later.

I am very familiar with rushing around in the morning to get the family out to school and work. I guess I just don't understand why you can't tone down the loud yelling upstairs and the yelling into the other room to the kids, which you said is what bothers him/wakes him up.

If you told your kids let's be quiet, dad is trying to sleep, would they really continue to yell? That would be surprising.

I think you could change the noise level on those mornings if you wanted to. But you don't want to.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

It may sound passive aggressive but it isn't. I don't mind him sleeping in but I am going to go about my day as I normally would. This is how mornings work in our house, and this is the way I get everyone out the door on time. It's only about an hour where we are rushing around, and then the house is quiet again when I go off to school or do my errands or whatever if he is off that day. I suppose I would could get up earlier where we are not rushing around and we could be quieter, but uh..that I will not do. I will not get up earlier so the house is quieter so he could sleep in later.

Okay, but a man that says he is unappreciated will find someplace that he is. Insisting on continuing doing things that he flat out says make him feel that way is looking for trouble. It's not a smart idea to ignore statements like that, he is giving you a warning.

 

[SaraJayne]

It may sound passive aggressive but it isn't. I don't mind him sleeping in but I am going to go about my day as I normally would. This is how mornings work in our house, and this is the way I get everyone out the door on time. It's only about an hour where we are rushing around, and then the house is quiet again when I go off to school or do my errands or whatever if he is off that day. I suppose I would could get up earlier where we are not rushing around and we could be quieter, but uh..that I will not do. I will not get up earlier so the house is quieter so he could sleep in later.

So why bother posting about it if you have absolutely no plans to change what you're doing?

Yes, it's passive aggressive, rude and disrespectful to your husband to be screaming all over the house while he's trying to sleep. Not to mention what you are teaching your kids about being respectful of other people.

 

[MarilIncredible]

I side with hubby, too. Yelling upstairs for the kids when you *know* your husband is trying to sleep is rude and passive agressive. It is also teaching the kids that they do not need to respect their father much. My dad worked long hours when I was a kid, and he liked to nap on the weekends. We didn't have to tippy-toe around the house, but if we wanted to be loud we went outside to play. It was just being respectful.

If it is so hectic in the mornings, maybe you should work on getting things better under control so you don't have to yell to the kids so much.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Thanks guys!!! I am actually really shocked by the answers. I don't think I am going to change, because he married me and he knows I am loud ..but maybe I will try to tone it down if I am feeling especially nice that day.

Here I thought I was being nice. I wake up with the kids, he gets to lay in bed and doze off (even if it's too loud to sleep, it sure beats waking up and getting all the kids out the door on time!!!!). That's what I was thinking...I would be worried he would be doing it wrong (Not sure how that could be...) but I couldn't do it..but if I was in his shoes I would be thinking, it's nice that I don't have to be more of a hands-on parent on my days off. Here I was thinking he had it good, because my dad was always the type that if he was off, he was still a member of the family so unless there was extenuating circumstances (once every 3 months, or he worked late, or whatever) he should get up and join the family. My DH dozes in bed on his days off, and I am the bad guy..I don't get that..but whatever. I am not offended by opinions on the DIS (usually) so I am interested in other opinions!!!

For whatever reason, he wants to stay in bed and not get up and join the family. You are certainly not the bad guy, and I would be ticked off, but you picked him and you can't force him to want to do those things.

 

[Sparx]

If your house is so massive or you have so many children that you cannot "seek out each kid individually" have an intercom installed, and don't talk into the bedroom. Screaming through the house is completely unnecessary and I would be very angry too. It sounds like he was very accommodating when you were working full time, why don't you share the same courtesy? It sounds like you had no plans to accept that you're being incredibly rude and came here for validation.

 

[MushyMushy]

Thanks guys!!! I am actually really shocked by the answers. I don't think I am going to change, because he married me and he knows I am loud ..but maybe I will try to tone it down if I am feeling especially nice that day.

Here I thought I was being nice. I wake up with the kids, he gets to lay in bed and doze off (even if it's too loud to sleep, it sure beats waking up and getting all the kids out the door on time!!!!). That's what I was thinking...I would be worried he would be doing it wrong (Not sure how that could be...) but I couldn't do it..but if I was in his shoes I would be thinking, it's nice that I don't have to be more of a hands-on parent on my days off. Here I was thinking he had it good, because my dad was always the type that if he was off, he was still a member of the family so unless there was extenuating circumstances (once every 3 months, or he worked late, or whatever) he should get up and join the family. My DH dozes in bed on his days off, and I am the bad guy..I don't get that..but whatever. I am not offended by opinions on the DIS (usually) so I am interested in other opinions!!!

How long have you been married? You say it's an ongoing problem, so I think I'd be concerned. I don't think anybody is saying your husband doesn't have it good for having you there taking care of the kids day in and day out. But without him working outside the house, you wouldn't be able to have that kind of lifestyle.

 

[SpecialK]

So why bother posting about it if you have absolutely no plans to change what you're doing?

Yes, it's passive aggressive, rude and disrespectful to your husband to be screaming all over the house while he's trying to sleep. Not to mention what you are teaching your kids about being respectful of other people.

I was wondering the same thing. Maybe he's not joining the family on his days off because of the way he's being treated.

 

[MushyMushy]

Okay, but a man that says he is unappreciated will find someplace that he is. Insisting on continuing doing things that he flat out says make him feel that way is looking for trouble. It's not a smart idea to ignore statements like that, he is giving you a warning.

That is so true. I can't tell you how many spouses I've known who ignored ongoing complaints like this and then were SHOCKED when they got divorce papers.... yet everyone around them saw it coming a mile away.

(not saying this is happening with the OP, but you really have to nurture a marriage and compromise on things you might not see as important enough to you, but might be big to them)

 

[wenrob]

It may sound passive aggressive but it isn't. I don't mind him sleeping in but I am going to go about my day as I normally would. This is how mornings work in our house, and this is the way I get everyone out the door on time. It's only about an hour where we are rushing around, and then the house is quiet again when I go off to school or do my errands or whatever if he is off that day. I suppose I would could get up earlier where we are not rushing around and we could be quieter, but uh..that I will not do. I will not get up earlier so the house is quieter so he could sleep in later.

Could you guys make a deal where you will let him sleep in one day (no yelling etc, how about a baby monitor?) if he gets up one day to get the kids ready and lets you sleep in?

I am absolutely floored at the amount of people who think OP's DH deserves to sleep in but by default the OP doesn't get a break.

I get the yelling up the stairs thing, my original post I took it as daily, regular kid noises are what's bugging the DH. ie; he can't hear the tv. I don't know that just doesn't seem important to me and kids do not need to be out of control loud for that to happen. Kids being kids doesn't mean they're disrespectful brats.

It seems to me compromises need to be made on both sides to get a little harmony.

 

[ajk912]

So why bother posting about it if you have absolutely no plans to change what you're doing?

Yes, it's passive aggressive, rude and disrespectful to your husband to be screaming all over the house while he's trying to sleep. Not to mention what you are teaching your kids about being respectful of other people.

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

 

[MushyMushy]

Could you guys make a deal where you will let him sleep in one day (no yelling etc, how about a baby monitor?) if he gets up one day to get the kids ready and lets you sleep in?

I am absolutely floored at the amount of people who think OP's DH deserves to sleep in but by default the OP doesn't get a break.

I get the yelling up the stairs thing, my original post I took it as daily, regular kid noises are what's bugging the DH. ie; he can't hear the tv. I don't know that just doesn't seem important to me and kids do not need to be out of control loud for that to happen. Kids being kids doesn't mean they're disrespectful brats.

It seems to me compromises need to be made on both sides to get a little harmony.

I think he deserves to sleep in because he doesn't get home from work until 9 at night. If he worked regular 9-5, I'd agree with you. How many people can get off that late at night and go straight to bed to get their full amount of sleep?

 

[SaraJayne]

Could you guys make a deal where you will let him sleep in one day (no yelling etc, how about a baby monitor?) if he gets up one day to get the kids ready and lets you sleep in?

I am absolutely floored at the amount of people who think OP's DH deserves to sleep in but by default the OP doesn't get a break.

I get the yelling up the stairs thing, my original post I took it as daily, regular kid noises are what's bugging the DH. ie; he can't hear the tv. I don't know that just doesn't seem important to me and kids do not need to be out of control loud for that to happen. Kids being kids doesn't mean they're disrespectful brats.

It seems to me compromises need to be made on both sides to get a little harmony.

What we do is if we have a free weekend, DH will sleep in on one day and he lets me sleep in the other.

He's up at the same time as I am during the week, so it isn't an issue during the week.

Though I will admit that once it gets to be 9:30am or later, I'll start banging stuff around.

I guess I'm just in the camp that believes respect and consideration for the other person goes a long way in a marriage.

 

[ICF]

Yelling upstairs and the like while your husband is sleeping is rude, IMO.

Kids will make noise, but I dont think that you should add to the problem and should try and keep the kids quieter those days.

 

[SaraJayne]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

Twelve years is a long time to be miserable. And I think your unwillingness to bend even a little doesn't bode well for you or your marriage.

Sometimes it is the little things that matter.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

It may sound passive aggressive but it isn't. I don't mind him sleeping in but I am going to go about my day as I normally would. This is how mornings work in our house, and this is the way I get everyone out the door on time. It's only about an hour where we are rushing around, and then the house is quiet again when I go off to school or do my errands or whatever if he is off that day. I suppose I would could get up earlier where we are not rushing around and we could be quieter, but uh..that I will not do. I will not get up earlier so the house is quieter so he could sleep in later.

This is definitely passive aggressive whether you want to believe it or not.

Why not just walk up the stairs and be a good parent by modeling a respectful indoor tone of voice for the hour your husband is sleeping? You don't have to scream up the stairs. Just walk up those stairs and talk to your kids in an indoor voice. You can look at it as part of your aerobic exercise - a much better way to exercise your lungs than screaming.

Refusing to do so, knowing your husband is sleeping, that is passive aggressive. Especially when you say you value your sleep so much, you refuse to get up any earlier.

So, your sleep and your kids noise, they are all more important than your husband? No wonder he feels unappreciated.

 

[ajk912]

I think he deserves to sleep in because he doesn't get home from work until 9 at night. If he worked regular 9-5, I'd agree with you. How many people can get off that late at night and go straight to bed to get their full amount of sleep?

Either I mis-spoke or you mis-read, but the latest he is usually home is 9pm. He is a salaried manager so his schedule varies, normally he is home between 6-8. Sometimes 9, less than once a month later than 9pm. He does work a lot, usually 70 hours a week, but that's not uncommon anymore with salaried managers. He takes his days off during the week, so luckily if he wanted to he could sleep or watch tv most of the day when the rest of us are gone.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Twelve years is a long time to be miserable. And I think your unwillingness to bend even a little doesn't bode well for you or your marriage.

Sometimes it is the little things that matter.

Yes, twelve years IS a long time to miserable.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Thanks guys!!! I am actually really shocked by the answers. I don't think I am going to change, because he married me and he knows I am loud ..but maybe I will try to tone it down if I am feeling especially nice that day.

Here I thought I was being nice. I wake up with the kids, he gets to lay in bed and doze off (even if it's too loud to sleep, it sure beats waking up and getting all the kids out the door on time!!!!). That's what I was thinking...I would be worried he would be doing it wrong (Not sure how that could be...) but I couldn't do it..but if I was in his shoes I would be thinking, it's nice that I don't have to be more of a hands-on parent on my days off. Here I was thinking he had it good, because my dad was always the type that if he was off, he was still a member of the family so unless there was extenuating circumstances (once every 3 months, or he worked late, or whatever) he should get up and join the family. My DH dozes in bed on his days off, and I am the bad guy..I don't get that..but whatever. I am not offended by opinions on the DIS (usually) so I am interested in other opinions!!!

 

[wdwfan16]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

What are your plans if he decides he wants a nice quiet house sooner than 12 years?