Help me make friends with this frugal mom...

[Magic Mom]

Why are you there for your children's playdates? I find that a little odd to start with.

By the time my kids were 8, we dropped them off and went home. Now if you are meeting up for an outing that is different.

You don't need to be friends with her.

I agree. By 8, I didn't want to entertain the parents of DD's friends. They can have playdates without all the parents attending.

 

[aprilgail2]

If the girls are 8, I think that it would be fine to just drop her off at her friend's house to play. I think it is fine for the girls to be friends even if the Moms aren't close.

You're going to attend all playdates with your daughter until she's at least 10? That seems very unusual, in my experience. By the time my kids were in 1st grade, we just dropped our children off at each other's houses (with usually a quick hello). Occasionally we share a cup of coffee, but I would be a bit put out if another parent insisted on sitting in every time their child had a playdate with mine - usually I like that time to get stuff done!

?

Is this the only mom of your dd's friends who makes you stay? It is bizzare, at the age of 8, to have a parent stay for a playdate, and you say this will go on for several more years? When my kids were 10, they were riding their bikes without parental supervision. I drop dd8 off at dance class several towns away for about 6 hours a week. Parents don't even stay at birthday parties at this age (unless they're out at a public place, and then some of the moms will stay, and look out for other children).

When your dd has friends over, do their moms stay? I think this woman might be a bit nutty.

I can't even imagine at 8 years old staying for my daughters playdates--and staying until TEN!! She will be in Jr. High at 10- can you imagine me saying- ok, mommy is going to sit here while you play with your junior high school friends !
If parents of my daughters friends stayed for playdates then that friend would be quickly scratched off the list of kids invited over- when her friends are here its the best time for me to get paperwork and house cleaning done!! Who would want to have to sit and entertain another childs mother ?? We have a pool at back the kids go in and when they are in the pool then I do work in the yard while they are in there--After kindergarten I didn't even stay when she was going swimming at nother kids house- nor did they stay when they dropped their kids off here for swimming!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The girls were friends years before we knew where they lived or that they had a pool. I've made several invitations to both mother and daughter, singly or together, to come here or go to movies - my treat. So far, all have been declined, yet she continues to invite us there...

OK, so this is a lopsided friendship. Your dd can only be friends with this person if you go over there.

That is something that will get old eventually.

 

[momx2]

I would start declining her invitations. Sounds like you guys may be the only ones still willing to abide by her rules to be friends with her child. If she can't come to my house, I can't go to theirs. Just invite some of your DD's other friends over to play at your house and be done with it.

 

[Dancemom03]

OK, so this is a lopsided friendship. Your dd can only be friends with this person if you go over there.

That is something that will get old eventually.

That's part of the motivation in wanting to be friends with the mom since I seem to be expected to attend too. I was looking at it like a dinner party sort of invitation where you need to reciprocate and feeling guilty b/c it's always been at their house. I've been trying to come up with invitations they'd enjoy and accept b/c I felt like I was being rude by not reciprocating in some way.

I'm also really glad to hear so many other people say 8 is old enough to drop off/pick up. I've been out of the loop for awhile but would have sworn that my older kids were dropped off before second grade and definitely before third grade. We lived in the same town then but twenty years ago this was a much smaller town. Until recently DD8 has been so busy with outside activities - and we've been so busy with work/grandkids/high school/DH medical stuff in our spare time that she hasn't had a lot of other playdates at friends' homes but we've taken several of DD8's other friends to the movies/park/carnival without parents and had quite a few kids-only parties for her since preschool.

I'd wondered how things could change that much, but know that parents of the girls on DD8's team don't drop off at soccer and come back after practice like we always did years ago, so I figured it was a new trend or something. I guess she's just very protective. That's her right as a parent, but it's wonderful to know not everyone would do likewise.

Thank heavens it isn't just me! I feel like a much better parent tonight than I did when I posted this morning. whew...

 

[golfgal]

OK, so this is a lopsided friendship. Your dd can only be friends with this person if you go over there.

That is something that will get old eventually.

My kids have had friends that preferred to play at their own homes. I didn't consider that a one sided friendship, just that some kids would rather play at their own house. Now, if your child was the only one initiating the get togethers, that is different. In this situation it sounds like mom wants it that way, not the kid though.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My kids have had friends that preferred to play at their own homes. I didn't consider that a one sided friendship, just that some kids would rather play at their own house. Now, if your child was the only one initiating the get togethers, that is different. In this situation it sounds like mom wants it that way, not the kid though.

I said lopsided, not one-sided. The OP wants to reciprocate the friendship and the mom in this situation won't allow it.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

You have a 31 year old, so I'm guessing you are in your 50's-and your MOTHER lectures you? Really?

OMG some moms never know when to stop being a MOM and just be a friend, lol.

I'm also really glad to hear so many other people say 8 is old enough to drop off/pick up. I've been out of the loop for awhile but would have sworn that my older kids were dropped off before second grade and definitely before third grade. We lived in the same town then but twenty years ago this was a much smaller town. Until recently DD8 has been so busy with outside activities - and we've been so busy with work/grandkids/high school/DH medical stuff in our spare time that she hasn't had a lot of other playdates at friends' homes but we've taken several of DD8's other friends to the movies/park/carnival without parents and had quite a few kids-only parties for her since preschool.

I'd wondered how things could change that much, but know that parents of the girls on DD8's team don't drop off at soccer and come back after practice like we always did years ago, so I figured it was a new trend or something. I guess she's just very protective. That's her right as a parent, but it's wonderful to know not everyone would do likewise.

Thank heavens it isn't just me! I feel like a much better parent tonight than I did when I posted this morning. whew...

Yep, I have 9 & 10 yo girls and I don't supervise their playdates at other people's houses.

I do make sure the mom or dad is there, though, had a couple of unhappy incidents where a babysitter or older brother was the only one home (stupidly assumed the parent would be there and found out when I came to pick up my kid-they'd ridden the bus home with the friend)-I'm not cool with that and I like to know ahead of time that a parent is on duty...

 

[C.Ann]

Many, many years ago my dad taught me that "you learn more by listening than by talking".. Perhaps in your next encounter with this woman you could allow her to lead the conversation and see where it goes.. I would be very surprised if she didn't mention one single thing that you could find common ground on.. Perhaps movies; books; television shows; - there has to be something.. Maybe if you don't try so hard, things will fall into place naturally..

It's worth a shot.. What do you have to lose?

 

[RadioNate]

I'm also really glad to hear so many other people say 8 is old enough to drop off/pick up. I've been out of the loop for awhile but would have sworn that my older kids were dropped off before second grade and definitely before third grade. We lived in the same town then but twenty years ago this was a much smaller town. Until recently DD8 has been so busy with outside activities - and we've been so busy with work/grandkids/high school/DH medical stuff in our spare time that she hasn't had a lot of other playdates at friends' homes but we've taken several of DD8's other friends to the movies/park/carnival without parents and had quite a few kids-only parties for her since preschool.

I'd wondered how things could change that much, but know that parents of the girls on DD8's team don't drop off at soccer and come back after practice like we always did years ago, so I figured it was a new trend or something. I guess she's just very protective. That's her right as a parent, but it's wonderful to know not everyone would do likewise.

Thank heavens it isn't just me! I feel like a much better parent tonight than I did when I posted this morning. whew...

I have an 8 year old and for things like sports practices (basketball, football) I stay with DS. For an hour or so pratice it is annoying for me to drop him off and then return. I'd prefer to stay. Then I can also make sure he is getting enough water (if we are outside) etc.

BUT - I never stay at 'playdates' like when a friend invites him over. The 1st time I generally meet the parents, exchange cel numbers and make sure everything seems ok and then leave for an hour or 2. For the 1st time I never leave my DS there for more than 2 hours. But after that? I've been known to drop him in the driveway and tell him to call when he wants to come home.

When my DS invites friends over the parents NEVER stayed. That went out after kindergarten.

Parents occasionally stay at birthday parties still if it is at a location (like go carts, or a jump place.) I stayed at the ice rink a few months ago mostly because I knew my DS couldn't ice skate well. I also stayed at the trampoline place because I was required to sign a waiver and figured that since I signed it, I should stay in case he got hurt.

I don't stay at home parties unless the parent requests it or looks like they need help.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would give up on the whole 'friends' thing.

I haven't read this whole thread, but from what I have read, there are some things about this woman that kind of bug me... It is like, we have a nice, landscaped, beautiful, home, and a pool, etc... but our DD cannot have a doll, our DD cannot travel and see and do things... our DD cannot this.... will NEVER that....

That poor child!

And, add in the... DD won't be able to come play at your house... etc....

Wow...

I wouldn't even consider the whole 'friends' thing...

This lady seems incapable of any friendship or reciprocity...
She seems awfully wrapped up in her own beliefs/issues/restrictions.

Maybe the only way this woman can find any adult 'friends' is to enlist the parents of her child's schoolmates.

I don't think I would really want to 'go there'.

 

[ZachnElli]

Wow, it has been really interesting reading the different perspectives on here! I wish I lived near you OP as I'd love it if one of DD9's buddies invited me to visit too. We moved here 2.5 yrs ago & it has been TOUGH getting to know any of the kids' friends families.

We invited DS's preschool class (11) to his bday and 1/2 of them didn't even bother to RSVP, much less show up. Since K, parents just drop off, no chance of much visiting at all. And forget HS, DD had a girl spending the night & her dad had already pulled away before we opened the door. I'd never met her & she'd never met us. Same thing when one of DD9's friends came over, her mom was away from the house before I opened the door & this was the first playdate!

I understand about wanting to be friends w/like moms. I have trouble finding anyone w/a teen & elem kids - DD has a best bud that does have that combo but her mom is either busy, shy or doesn't like me, not sure, very hard to read.
To me, it sounds like the other mom is feeling very protective, embarrassed, etc of her lifestyle and defending it to you by saying how happy she is. People that happy don't normally feel the need to announce it. Even if he is a doc, they could be having financial issues - who knows, lawsuit, crazy student bills, elderly parents, maybe he does lots of volunteer work, whatever... Maybe they are not as comfortable as they seem. We have a nice house & newer van but extremely tight right now since I'm in school and took a pay cut. Hard to tell from outside appearances unless it comes up specifically.

Maybe you can casually ask her during your next visit about hobbies & let her know how much you enjoy budgeting and branch off from there. Good luck, I'm curious to know if you are able to find a connection with her!

Uh, Steph, whereabouts are ya? (look at my location) Only thing is, my teen is a boy, but my DD is 10 and my youngest DS is 4.

 

[LivingtheWDWdream]

Growing up my mother wasn't "friends" with my friends' mothers, she knew them, their contact info and they would chat at drop off and pick up, and knew enough about each other so that they felt comfortable with us playing together, going to the mall with each other's families, camp outs, sleep overs etc. But they didn't have to hang out while we played together, because we were friends, didn't mean they had to be.

Sounds like your views on money, how to live in what you feel your own means are differs, and maybe there is something she doesn't or hasn't shared that she is dealing with and trying to project a "pinchably happy" attitude and persona is really a way to hide what is really going on? or maybe she isn't comfortable with the choices you chose to make which is her problem not yours but you can't change her, and you can't force her to like you. So if she doesn't want to be friends, then keep it as a friendly acquaintence relationship, and just let your daughter be friends with her daughter and move on.

 

[Imzadi]

OK, so this is a lopsided friendship. Your dd can only be friends with this person if you go over there.

That is something that will get old eventually.

It's time that the next time this woman invites the OP & DD over, she should start saying, "I can drop her off, but I can't stay." Of course, the woman will balk at the idea. And cancel. That's to be expected. In counselling and behavioral modification we call that "Interrupting the Pattern." This woman has established a long pattern that has worked for her that the OP conformed with. She's not going to want to give that up. She will cancel probably the first 2-3 times. But, after the third time, she may look at her DD playing alone & realize for her DD's sake, it might be better to have the friend come over, even if alone.

Many, many years ago my dad taught me that "you learn more by listening than by talking".. Perhaps in your next encounter with this woman you could allow her to lead the conversation and see where it goes.. I would be very surprised if she didn't mention one single thing that you could find common ground on.. Perhaps movies; books; television shows; - there has to be something.. Maybe if you don't try so hard, things will fall into place naturally..

It's worth a shot.. What do you have to lose?

I think the OP has gone above & beyond what is required of her to keep a "friendship" going. This wasn't ever a natural friendship. She was shamed into it by her mother.

OMG some moms never know when to stop being a MOM and just be a friend, lol.

If the OP is in her 50's then her mom is in her 70's. That generation of mothers wasn't into being your friend or your peer. They were the mothers.

and maybe there is something she doesn't or hasn't shared that she is dealing with and trying to project a "pinchably happy" attitude and persona is really a way to hide what is really going on?

I was wondering that, too. Like maybe the reason that she's so tight with her money is not because she wants to be, but because her DH, the doctor, is controlling and a tightwade. He who holds the purse-strings (or in this case the wallet) controls the marriage.

For all we know, he may buy himself BMWs and is willing to furnish a beautiful home that reflects well on him, but is stingy to the point of lack when it comes to his wife & kids, so the DW has to scrimp & save and make it appear to others that she wants to.

Maybe her reason for avoiding going to the OPs house or letting her DDs go to movies with the OP is because she would then have to reciprocate those kinds of outings. Her DH may not give her enough money to go to movies.

I work with abused women. These things happen - even with doctors.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It's time that the next time this woman invites the OP & DD over, she should start saying, "I can drop her off, but I can't stay." Of course, the woman will balk at the idea. And cancel. That's to be expected. In counselling and behavioral modification we call that "Interrupting the Pattern." This woman has established a long pattern that has worked for her that the OP conformed with. She's not going to want to give that up. She will cancel probably the first 2-3 times. But, after the third time, she may look at her DD playing alone & realize for her DD's sake, it might be better to have the friend come over, even if alone.




I think the OP has gone above & beyond what is required of her to keep a "friendship" going. This wasn't ever a natural friendship. She was shamed into it by her mother.



If the OP is in her 50's then her mom is in her 70's. That generation of mothers wasn't into being your friend or your peer. They were the mothers.




I was wondering that, too. Like maybe the reason that she's so tight with her money is not because she wants to be, but because her DH, the doctor, is controlling and a tightwade. He who holds the purse-strings (or in this case the wallet) controls the marriage.

For all we know, he may buy himself BMWs and is willing to furnish a beautiful home that reflects well on him, but is stingy to the point of lack when it comes to his wife & kids, so the DW has to scrimp & save and make it appear to others that she wants to.

Maybe her reason for avoiding going to the OPs house or letting her DDs go to movies with the OP is because she would then have to reciprocate those kinds of outings. Her DH may not give her enough money to go to movies.

I work with abused women. These things happen - even with doctors.

Excellent post!
The scenarios listed here had also crossed my mind.

Such 'restrictions' are definitely indicative of an abusive/controlling relationship.

And, really, it isn't up to the OP to try to figure it all out or help address it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Nice post Imzadi. Alot to think about there.

 

[HM]

QUOTE: I was wondering that, too. Like maybe the reason that she's so tight with her money is not because she wants to be, but because her DH, the doctor, is controlling and a tightwade. He who holds the purse-strings (or in this case the wallet) controls the marriage.

For all we know, he may buy himself BMWs and is willing to furnish a beautiful home that reflects well on him, but is stingy to the point of lack when it comes to his wife & kids, so the DW has to scrimp & save and make it appear to others that she wants to. ENDQUOTE

This is exactly what I was thinking (and alluded to in an earlier post). Her husband may very well control her life down to where she is allowed to let her children play....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Or she has some type of OCD, agoraphobia or something else. You never know.