Help me make friends with this frugal mom...

[claudia]

Not sure why... My mother asked me that too. It's not that I don't like her or that we don't get along, just that I feel inadequate around her. I feel like I need to be friends with her - our girls adore each other and they're not at an age where they can get together without parents. She's made the effort several times to invite my DD over and is very kind, we just have a lot of uncomfortable silences.

Besides, you can never have too many friends and this woman is closer to my age than many of the other moms. It'd be terrific if we could develop something more in common than age to discuss though...

Why do you feel inadequate?
There are a zillion other things you can talk about with another person....talk about books, hobbies, movies, tv shows.....ask about her childhood, how she met the hubby, schools she went to.....easiest part is to talk about the girls.....
I have a couple of friends that feel the same way as this woman......and we talk about the things we have in common.

 

[HM]

I'm not getting why some responses are acting like this woman is horrible. The only thing I see that seems weird to me is that she doesn't have any desire to travel. Some people just don't though - I don't know why that would keep you from being friends? There are lots of reasons people won't travel and it really doesn't sound like it's financial.

The fact that she won't buy American Girl or put her kids in sports seems like such a small thing. I had friends who had opinions different than mine. (For example my kids loved to watch Barney and there are some who absolutely will not let their child watch. I shop at Walmart and several of my closest friends won't. We won't even go into how different my political views are from some of my friends.)
.

Yes, but do your friends tell you that you are doing things wrong? No. The lady the OP is talking about, was highly critical of her choice to buy AG dolls, take vacations, and for other's taking the time to put their kids in extracurricular activities, etc. Or at least that's how OP presented it. From what I can tell, the woman has decided (or maybe her husband has...for all we know) not to engage in things that others do, and makes a statement about the fact that they don't in such a way as to sound 'holier than thou'.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

Yes, but do your friends tell you that you are doing things wrong? No. The lady the OP is talking about, was highly critical of her choice to buy AG dolls, take vacations, and for other's taking the time to put their kids in extracurricular activities, etc. Or at least that's how OP presented it. From what I can tell, the woman has decided (or maybe her husband has...for all we know) not to engage in things that others do, and makes a statement about the fact that they don't in such a way as to sound 'holier than thou'.

Yes that's why. Her I'm so happy I have to keep pinching myself comment makes it sound like her way of life is superior and she is thrilled and everyone else is just wasting money and time and unworthy of being called frugal. It's her attitude, not that she isn't doing those things or spending her money that way or any other reason.

 

[browneyes106]

She doesn't sound like it at all. Just obnoxious almost in her frugality. You can be cheap/frugal/budget conscious and still have nice stuff, go on vacation and enjoy good things. That's the whole reason I clip coupons and bargain hunt. So my kids can have nice things, disney trips, brand name goodies and enjoy life. What fun is spending all your money on electric bills and toothpaste.

I'm shy, horribly shy at times but she doesn't sound shy at all.

Everyone spends their money in their own way, sounds like you two really don't have anything on common though. I would be on friendly terms but that's it. Maybe in time you will end up better friends but if not, it's ok. I know a few people who think we are crazy for taking our kids on vacation, that it's too much money. I think it's crazy to have 3 or 4 vehicles and not to use coupons or buy on sale and refuse to take any vacation just because it's expensive but that's how they spend their money and I spend mine our way.

I'm not getting why some responses are acting like this woman is horrible. The only thing I see that seems weird to me is that she doesn't have any desire to travel. Some people just don't though - I don't know why that would keep you from being friends? There are lots of reasons people won't travel and it really doesn't sound like it's financial.

The fact that she won't buy American Girl or put her kids in sports seems like such a small thing. I had friends who had opinions different than mine. (For example my kids loved to watch Barney and there are some who absolutely will not let their child watch. I shop at Walmart and several of my closest friends won't. We won't even go into how different my political views are from some of my friends.) Find something to talk about other than shopping, whether your dd has an American Girl doll, or is in sports.

Start with the weather, an upcoming event at school, holiday plans (like cookie baking etc, not shopping or travel,) a recipe you're looking for, a book you just read, etc. If you start having some conversations and still don't think she'll want to "do lunch," invite her to your home for coffee or tea.

Good point by piles, people can still be frugal and have nice stuff. I agree it would be boring to only spend money on bills and necessities. I also agree the woman doesn't sound shy at all. She does remind me of my cousin in my other post.

disykat also brought up a good point of people who don't care to travel. I
have known a few people like that. One of my dad's close friends is a well paid engineer and he and his wife really never travel. They do spend a lot of money skiing and going to concerts around the state.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The thing is we haven't made it to the pick up & drop off stage with the youngest pirncess yet. There are only a few kids whose parents know each other well in her circle who are dropped off/picked up so playdates require parent attendance. Heck, she wouldn't even let me take the girls to a movie... ...

That's too bad. I'm listening to DS8 and 2 of his friends (7.5 and 8) play Wii right now. - Both moms are home, and I'm sure blissfully enjoying the quiet!! (I am friends with them, though; we hang out sometimes, we "trade off" sometimes.)

....I can't talk about sports, dance, dolls, trips, work, or a big sale on name brands and I'm not the type to just drop in and hang out even if I did feel more welcome. She is very frugal but lives very comfortably and isn't the type to share budget tips with either. Please help me figure out how to make DD's favorite little friend's mom my friend too...

Do you do any crafts in common? scrapbooking? Maybe you could arrange a no-cost playdate outside your house - a park or something? Maybe even a volunteer project would make good bonding thing.

Best of luck!

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Honestly she sounds like kind of a snot. Who turns their nose up at vacations and AG dolls? Those things are hardly spendy, they are kind of normal parts of middle class life. It sounds like SHE doesn't want to be friendly with YOU.

 

[sbell111]

Two thoughts:

1. You are both frugal. Build on that. Do you clip coupons? Perhaps she does, also. Are you a member of the CVS cult? Perhaps she is, also.

2. Why would it be rude to ask what her husband does for a living?

 

[Dancemom03]

You're going to attend all playdates with your daughter until she's at least 10? That seems very unusual, in my experience. By the time my kids were in 1st grade, we just dropped our children off at each other's houses (with usually a quick hello). Occasionally we share a cup of coffee, but I would be a bit put out if another parent insisted on sitting in every time their child had a playdate with mine - usually I like that time to get stuff done!

The trend here seems to be parents stay for playdates unless the kids go home with each other after practice, dance, or something and the parents are friends. I asked about that the first time we were there - told her we hadn't done this alot with the younger DD and did most parents stay these days or not. She said it varied but was very clear what she thought of those who didn't.

I've been parenting for over thirty years now, heck I'm overprotective but I'm willing to drop my child off and pick up without staying if the other parent is agreeable. Hmmm...what's your child doing tonight? I don't even need directions, I've got mapquest. I'll even send along some ice cream when I drop her off...

Honestly she sounds like kind of a snot. Who turns their nose up at vacations and AG dolls? Those things are hardly spendy, they are kind of normal parts of middle class life. It sounds like SHE doesn't want to be friendly with YOU.

I wondered that, but then why would she keep inviting me?

 

[diznygirl]

My SIL is like this. Always makes it a point to remind us that THEY don't have TV in their house. I KNOW they don't have TV, so why does she have to keep bringing it up? Also said they wouldn't be visiting Disney until the kids were older and could remember it. (Yup, one of "Them").

The thing is, they watch DVDs all the time, and cartoons from iTunes or Hulu - so they just aren't "paying" for TV - they aren't exactly doing anything noble. And they will be doing Disneyland this summer and coming to visit us next year. So it's also okay to change their minds. (Don't worry - I'm sure there will be something else for them to act superior about).

Don't be intimidated. If you want to talk about the latest American Girl doll/movie/book whatever, just do it. Tell her about your vacation plans. If it drives her nuts, so be it. Or she could realize she's missing out on a whole lot of fun and book a cruise!

Good luck!

 

[sbell111]

Honestly she sounds like kind of a snot. Who turns their nose up at vacations and AG dolls? Those things are hardly spendy, they are kind of normal parts of middle class life. It sounds like SHE doesn't want to be friendly with YOU.

I'm thinking that you have a different definition of 'spendy' than some others.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

So drop off your daughter then and don't stay..

Why would you be worried about her opinion of you? You say you stay basically because she said parents that don't, she gives them a thumbs down.

Well like you said, you been in the parenting business 30 years. You fully understand how you parent vs others will never always be lock step in line.

So drop your DD off, let them be friends and you won't have to worry about what the mom thinks. You made an effort, did not work. This is about your DD and her friend. Not about you being liked by everyone. (I don't mean that last part as being harsh, trust me. I mean that you should not worry about everyone being your friend)

 

[golfgal]

Not sure why... My mother asked me that too. It's not that I don't like her or that we don't get along, just that I feel inadequate around her. I feel like I need to be friends with her - our girls adore each other and they're not at an age where they can get together without parents. She's made the effort several times to invite my DD over and is very kind, we just have a lot of uncomfortable silences.

Besides, you can never have too many friends and this woman is closer to my age than many of the other moms. It'd be terrific if we could develop something more in common than age to discuss though...

By age 8 your DD should be able to go on a playdate without you hanging around. My take on this woman is that she is a lazy parent that doesn't want to inconvenience HER life with her children. The no vacations, no name brands, no activities is a cop out so she doesn't have to say no to her kids or do things she doesn't want to do. I really feel sorry for her kids. Not that they need to have name brands but VACATIONS and ACTIVITIES are a MUST. You don't need to do fancy vacations, take a car trip around your state, neighboring states, go camping, etc. but there is SO much to be learned by going places. As for activities, no they don't need to be in everything but by the time they start applying to colleges they won't get in ANYWHERE without being in activities. There are plenty of free or very low cost things to do with kids.

She is looking down on the rest of you because she perceives her life to be better then your life. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that pinches herself in the morning because she doesn't let her kids do anything

 

[Kitzka]

I think that a freindship with this woamn is something that will come naturally or it will not.

I know you mentioned that she doesn't go out to eat and you are having a hrd time finding things in common with her. Perhaps yuo cuold get a few of the moms together and start a mom bookclub? Honestly, with most friend ships you only need a starting off point and the other stuff comes later.

I will tell you that most of DD's friends are much older than I am. back when we were getting to know the other parents someone mentioned something about graduating high school in 76 and a few folks chimed in with similar memories. I chimed in that this was the year of my birth! It actualy went over as a laugh. I am in my early 30's and DD is 11. ALL of the kids DD is friends with have parents who are in their late 40's or early 50s. There is one mom who is my age but i found our different parenting styles to be too much (she is very lax where as my style is more strict. it was hard for me to watch how much her kids were getting 'away' with and it effected our relationship.) this lady and i are not friends but we are acquaintances and our daughters get along famously without us being freinds.

That being said i TOTALLY know about wanting to have a friend who is close to your own age with kids the same age.

Aside from the bookclub thing, perhaps instead of going out to lunch you and she cuold have lunch at one or another's home? or tea? perhaps school and the teachers are something you could discuss? If her DD is her oldest she may benefit from your knowledge of the school or the teachers?

Lara

 

[Pea-n-Me]

And really, if you don't like something, just keep it to yourself. Or discuss it if comes up, but there's really no need to pound it down someone's throat.

Sounds like she's got an axe to grind for whatever reason. Why deal with it?

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

DD8 has had a classmate for the past few years that she really likes. Over the summer we started doing playdates with moms staying. Things went okay but could have been much better. I thought it was just me and always feel like a real spendthrift by the time we say goodbye. But I'm not - I swear!


I knew after the first playdate that we felt very differently about things, but there's nothing wrong with that. The GF's mom informed me in the first twenty minutes alone with me that her DD would never own an AG doll b/c name brands are a waste of money, they don't plan to travel anywhere or take any vacations for at least twenty years, the last extra her kids were in was a huge ripoff so they won't be doing any sports, and she "was so happy that she pinched herself every morning when she got up to be sure it wasn't a dream". (okay, I confess, this is the part that got to me - I'm okay with my life right now but far from pinchably happy and wouldn't tell people that even if I were...) Their house is beautiful, but not overly furnished. They have stunning landscaping, a large pool, hot tub, playground, ect. She's a SAHM and I'm told her DH is a doctor though it would be rude to ask so I'm not positive.

Week before last there was party. Several other moms were there too and I realized it isn't just me. Most of these other families also appear to live within their means but they each had travel plans, their girls all did some sport or other activity, and they all had a doll. The other girls' dads all have blue collar/middle income jobs and all but two moms are also SAHMs. As we watched the kids in the pool and talk turned to travel, this mom who I'd like so much to be friends with sat there appearing to barely tolerate us.

So... I can't invite her out to lunch while kids are in school b/c she doesn't do that, I can't talk about sports, dance, dolls, trips, work, or a big sale on name brands and I'm not the type to just drop in and hang out even if I did feel more welcome. She is very frugal but lives very comfortably and isn't the type to share budget tips with either. Please help me figure out how to make DD's favorite little friend's mom my friend too...

Ok,

1. Other mom "barely tolerates you".
2. Other mom "doesn't do lunch" with you.
3. Other mom disparaged your American Doll interest.
4. Even at best, things were only "ok".

Not sure why... My mother asked me that too. It's not that I don't like her or that we don't get along, just that I feel inadequate around her. I feel like I need to be friends with her - our girls adore each other and they're not at an age where they can get together without parents. She's made the effort several times to invite my DD over and is very kind, we just have a lot of uncomfortable silences.

Besides, you can never have too many friends and this woman is closer to my age than many of the other moms. It'd be terrific if we could develop something more in common than age to discuss though...

This hits the nail on the head for me, right there. I am one of those women who has a few close friends and I DO think you can have too many friends. I can't tell you how many time I've politely but firmly frosted moms looking to be instant best buddies.

Just because our kids hang out doesn't mean we need to be friends, and it doesn't mean that I'm interested in being friends with you. I'm happy to say hi to you at the bus stop and at school functions, but I don't want to be your buddy.

I have enough friends.

And the more insistent a woman is in becoming my friend or pushing a relationship, the frostier I get. IMO, relationships develop naturally and slowly over time, with mutual interest on both ends. If you're meant to be friends with this woman (and frankly, it doesn't look that way because she's giving you every "go away" signal in her arsenal right up to the hairy edge of being rude and then some), then it'll happen eventually.

Just my 2c...

Let me add that I wouldn't bother with the other mom in the first place-really, life's too short to deal with nutty women like that. Just move on, hang out with some moms that are more fun. She's either trying to frost you out (and doing a poor job of it) or she's just bonkers.

 

[java]

I still don't get why you want to be friends? Because she is your age?
She isn't looking for a friend maybe. Maybe she just wants her daughter to have some fun with her friend and is not looking to "Hang out".

I have 4 kids. I am friends with most of the mom's of my 3 boys friends. My daughter though- nope not a one. We are friendly- but wouldn't hang out. They are nice enough but we all have other stuff going on and well it just worked out that way.

You don't have to be friends with everyone. Relax and let it go. As I have said to a neighbor that wouldn't let up- You can't MAKE someone be friends with you. It either happens or it doesn't.

 

[lovepurple]

I don't think it is right for the other mom to judge what you do or do not spend your money on, but it is also not right for you to judge her for what she does or does not spend money on. I learned a long time ago to not compare myself to parents of kids friends or neighbors or whatever. It only made me feel inadequate. I moved into a new neighborhood years ago and went to a party where all the neighbors complained about their cleaning ladies. I was asked if I had a good cleaning lady, and I said I hope so, since I was my cleaning lady. I would never have dreamed of "wasting" money on such a thing, even though I could afford it. Now I can't afford it but would if I had the money. When I first met one of my now good friends, she was saying bad things about a certain type of vehicle and how ugly it was and she would never drive one. Then I told her that was the kind of car I had. Now I call her Lexus a Toyota, because they are basically the same thing. She hates that but it is all in good fun because we are friends now.
My kids are spread in age from 21 to 5. I used to be a younger mom in play groups, now I'm an older mom. I don't have good friends that are parents of my kids friends. But I try to get along and be civil. I find my good friends other places.

 

[padams]

I am a paranoid, overprotective mom but by age 8 (actually by age 3, yes 3), DSs went on playdates by themselves (example- other mom would pick up kids at preschool and take them home to play, I would pick up DS a couple of hours later). Could the "frugal mom" just really be uninterested in having "mommy playdates"? Perhaps she is trying not to have anything in common with you so you'll drop off your child and leave? Obviously she thinks your child is one of her child's favorite buddies. Otherwise she probably won't invest the time in these family playdates. Be thankful your child has such a good friend, and seek out other women for your friendships.

 

[Imzadi]

Not sure why... My mother asked me that too. It's not that I don't like her or that we don't get along, just that I feel inadequate around her. I feel like I need to be friends with her

Besides, you can never have too many friends and this woman is closer to my age than many of the other moms. It'd be terrific if we could develop something more in common than age to discuss though...

She doesn't sound like it at all. Just obnoxious almost in her frugality. You can be cheap/frugal/budget conscious and still have nice stuff, go on vacation and enjoy good things.

I see the desire here is mostly because you think you should have more in common with her, being close to the same age. But, from the sound of your first post, she is very critical of you and your choices, and it really sounds as though there really is no common ground. She sounds like one of those people that think their way in the only way and those that don't conform are not worthy.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. I'm not flaming you. I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You DON'T like her. You don't get along. And you are uncomfortable with yourself for having those feelings. You don't want to admit it because you fear it would make you as critical and judgemental as SHE is of others. She is actually mirroring traits you don't like and wish you didn't have. You want to be the model friend. You think you should like her regardless of who she is because it would make YOU a bad person if you don't accept her as she is. So you are bending over backwards to please her and justify yourself to her. YOU need to win her approval, so you won't be like her.

You don't have to like her. Not everyone gets along or has the same values. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't like her. I think you have to come to terms with that. What makes a bad person? Why do you have to be friends with everyone? What does that make you if you are not?

Can you be discriminating in your personal choices without being a bad person? can you have different choices and values and not think of it as being judgemental of those who have different choices (without needing to hang out with them?)

The trend here seems to be parents stay for playdates unless the kids go home with each other after practice, dance, or something and the parents are friends. I asked about that the first time we were there - told her we hadn't done this alot with the younger DD and did most parents stay these days or not. She said it varied but was very clear what she thought of those who didn't.

I wondered that, but then why would she keep inviting me?

Isn't it obvious? This woman LIKES to judge and think of herself as superior. Game is over when people don't stay and allow themselves to be targets. She can't judge people who don't hang around to be judged. So of course she disparages them. The very fact that she said it varies means that others don't stay. You want to be liked and approved of by her. You actually set yourself up nicely to be judged by staying and wanting to be friends and she loves it. Game would end if she ever found you "adequate." So of course, you're never going to be.

I feel kind of sad for you. Until you get this and can walk away cleanly, YOU will keep playing this round robin, setting yourself up for more of this and with other people who will also be able to yank on this chain.

 

[StephMK]

Wow, it has been really interesting reading the different perspectives on here! I wish I lived near you OP as I'd love it if one of DD9's buddies invited me to visit too. We moved here 2.5 yrs ago & it has been TOUGH getting to know any of the kids' friends families.

We invited DS's preschool class (11) to his bday and 1/2 of them didn't even bother to RSVP, much less show up. Since K, parents just drop off, no chance of much visiting at all. And forget HS, DD had a girl spending the night & her dad had already pulled away before we opened the door. I'd never met her & she'd never met us. Same thing when one of DD9's friends came over, her mom was away from the house before I opened the door & this was the first playdate!

I understand about wanting to be friends w/like moms. I have trouble finding anyone w/a teen & elem kids - DD has a best bud that does have that combo but her mom is either busy, shy or doesn't like me, not sure, very hard to read.

To me, it sounds like the other mom is feeling very protective, embarrassed, etc of her lifestyle and defending it to you by saying how happy she is. People that happy don't normally feel the need to announce it. Even if he is a doc, they could be having financial issues - who knows, lawsuit, crazy student bills, elderly parents, maybe he does lots of volunteer work, whatever... Maybe they are not as comfortable as they seem. We have a nice house & newer van but extremely tight right now since I'm in school and took a pay cut. Hard to tell from outside appearances unless it comes up specifically.

Maybe you can casually ask her during your next visit about hobbies & let her know how much you enjoy budgeting and branch off from there. Good luck, I'm curious to know if you are able to find a connection with her!