Help me make friends with this frugal mom...

[Disney Doll]

Frankly, she sounds like the worst kind of snob...the "reverse snob". Instead of flaunting money, things and material wealth, she's flaunting how much better she is than everyone because she has the ability to control herself and not spend money.

Frankly, unless she specifically requests that you stay with your DD during a playdate, I'd drop DD off and be on my way with a friendly hello & a wave. Clearly this woman will be an acquaintance, not a friend...at least not until her holier-than-thou attitude changes.

And you can have too many friends...stop agonizing over why this woman doesn't seem to like you, take it for what it is...some kook who doesn't know how to enjoy life and is trying to convince herself she is blissfully happy...and move on. Be pleasant and civil so your kids can enjoy each other's company....that's all that's expected.

 

[disykat]

I'm thinking that you have a different definition of 'spendy' than some others.

LOL I thought the same thing!

This thread is really bothering me. The OP wants to be friends with this person, yet reply after reply is that she is not worth being friends with because she has different spending habits/beliefs than the OP. They are putting a negative twist on everything, when the OP obviously didn't read that kind of negative into it because she WANTS to connect with this person.

Do people really limit their friendships to people who have beliefs that don't vary from theirs?

My friends that don't shop at Walmart (using one example) think very negatively of shopping there. They know I shop there, I know they think negatively of shopping there. It doesn't stop us from being friends. I think I'm right, they think they're right. Who cares?

I love vacations but I waited to do WDW until my kids would remember (yes, I'm one of THEM!) I also don't go to WDW every chance I get. It obviously doesn't affect my desire to be friends with people who think otherwise. This threads is making me realize there are a lot of people here who don't want to be friends with me because I don't share their vacation beliefs!

I don't have girls, but if I did, I doubt I would buy them American Girl stuff. We don't have a big toy budget. Does that really make me unworthy of being your friend? I don't understand why a friend couldn't think I was nuts for not wanting them for my kids and me think she was nuts for getting them for her kids and yet love each other anyway.

This whole "we hate this lady, she's nasty, mean, and judgemental" seems to be based totally on her not wanting to go on or discuss vacations or shopping excursions. Seriously? Why are we not discussing the fact that she's clearly made friendship overtures towards the OP and the OP wants to be her friend and is looking for ways to connect?

 

[golfgal]

LOL I thought the same thing!

This thread is really bothering me. The OP wants to be friends with this person, yet reply after reply is that she is not worth being friends with because she has different spending habits/beliefs than the OP. They are putting a negative twist on everything, when the OP obviously didn't read that kind of negative into it because she WANTS to connect with this person.

Do people really limit their friendships to people who have beliefs that don't vary from theirs?

My friends that don't shop at Walmart (using one example) think very negatively of shopping there. They know I shop there, I know they think negatively of shopping there. It doesn't stop us from being friends. I think I'm right, they think they're right. Who cares?

I love vacations but I waited to do WDW until my kids would remember (yes, I'm one of THEM!) I also don't go to WDW every chance I get. It obviously doesn't affect my desire to be friends with people who think otherwise. This threads is making me realize there are a lot of people here who don't want to be friends with me because I don't share their vacation beliefs!

I don't have girls, but if I did, I doubt I would buy them American Girl stuff. We don't have a big toy budget. Does that really make me unworthy of being your friend? I don't understand why a friend couldn't think I was nuts for not wanting them for my kids and me think she was nuts for getting them for her kids and yet love each other anyway.

This whole "we hate this lady, she's nasty, mean, and judgemental" seems to be based totally on her not wanting to go on or discuss vacations or shopping excursions. Seriously? Why are we not discussing the fact that she's clearly made friendship overtures towards the OP and the OP wants to be her friend and is looking for ways to connect?

It isn't that she has different spending habits it is that she makes it a point to point out those that spend differently then HER are beneath her. The woman thinks that anyone that leaves their 8 year old at a play date, takes their kids on vacation and buys them American Girl dolls are not to her 'standards". There are just some of us that have learned that hanging out with people that bring you down, which is exactly what this woman is doing to the OP, is NOT worth the time and effort.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

LOL I thought the same thing!

This thread is really bothering me. The OP wants to be friends with this person, yet reply after reply is that she is not worth being friends with because she has different spending habits/beliefs than the OP. They are putting a negative twist on everything, when the OP obviously didn't read that kind of negative into it because she WANTS to connect with this person.

Do people really limit their friendships to people who have beliefs that don't vary from theirs?

My friends that don't shop at Walmart (using one example) think very negatively of shopping there. They know I shop there, I know they think negatively of shopping there. It doesn't stop us from being friends. I think I'm right, they think they're right. Who cares?

I love vacations but I waited to do WDW until my kids would remember (yes, I'm one of THEM!) I also don't go to WDW every chance I get. It obviously doesn't affect my desire to be friends with people who think otherwise. This threads is making me realize there are a lot of people here who don't want to be friends with me because I don't share their vacation beliefs!

I don't have girls, but if I did, I doubt I would buy them American Girl stuff. We don't have a big toy budget. Does that really make me unworthy of being your friend? I don't understand why a friend couldn't think I was nuts for not wanting them for my kids and me think she was nuts for getting them for her kids and yet love each other anyway.

This whole "we hate this lady, she's nasty, mean, and judgemental" seems to be based totally on her not wanting to go on or discuss vacations or shopping excursions. Seriously? Why are we not discussing the fact that she's clearly made friendship overtures towards the OP and the OP wants to be her friend and is looking for ways to connect?

I'm totally not seeing the friendly overtures the "mean" mom is making towards the OP. In fact, I see exactly the opposite-mean mom is dropping some serious hints about not hanging out. I have no problem with the "mean" mom's lifestyle-that's never interfered in friendships I have IRL. Nobody, and I mean, nobody, matches up with us on everything-I think it's limitng to only have friends just like you.

I think the OP needs to move on not because mean mom's got a different lifestyle, but she's behaving in a manner that is frankly a little bonkers.

It's ok to not like AG dolls (I don't), it's NOT okay to disparage them in front of someone. Some of our friends' lifestyles are a LOT more straightlaced than we are, some are lot more loosey goosey (single adults), but if their behavior meshes well, we're cool. If not, move along...

 

[disykat]

It isn't that she has different spending habits it is that she makes it a point to point out those that spend differently then HER are beneath her. The woman thinks that anyone that leaves their 8 year old at a play date, takes their kids on vacation and buys them American Girl dolls are not to her 'standards". There are just some of us that have learned that hanging out with people that bring you down, which is exactly what this woman is doing to the OP, is NOT worth the time and effort.

IMO, you are purely speculating. The OP wanted to befriend her. OP expressed some negative impressions and everyone jumped all over them forgetting that those negative impressions were not strong enough to inhibit the OP's desire to be her friend. Obviously there were positives or OP wouldn't have felt that way. Frankly, I feel like people aren't giving the OP any credit. Apparently people think the OP is an idiot who didn't realize this person whom she wanted to befriend was a monster?

 

[HunnyPots]

If I'm going to be totally honest here, I have to say I find it odd and a bit sad that you so desperately want to be liked by this woman. If someone doesn't like you, that's their choice. It doesn't change who you are. I say let it go...

 

[golfgal]

IMO, you are purely speculating. The OP wanted to befriend her. OP expressed some negative impressions and everyone jumped all over them forgetting that those negative impressions were not strong enough to inhibit the OP's desire to be her friend. Obviously there were positives or OP wouldn't have felt that way. Frankly, I feel like people aren't giving the OP any credit. Apparently people think the OP is an idiot who didn't realize this person whom she wanted to befriend was a monster?

DD8 has had a classmate for the past few years that she really likes. Over the summer we started doing playdates with moms staying. Things went okay but could have been much better. I thought it was just me and always feel like a real spendthrift by the time we say goodbye. But I'm not - I swear!

My kids have been trained since birth to look for the deals. In a store they instinctively gravitate to the clearance racks first then look at the other stuff - so much so that it drives DM crazy. When alone, the DDs and I will share meals, drinks, ect to cut costs, even at McDonalds. I've never paid anywhere near rack rate for a room and always find a way to economize on trips but we do travel when we can afford it. I rarely fly anymore b/c I enjoy driving and it's cheaper. DD8 loves AG dolls and has a nice collection but I don't think I've paid retail for any of those pieces either and we don't have a playroom full of toys, just some dolls & horses in her room. We haven't used credit in years by choice, drive slightly older paid-for vehicles, and live in an average - modest by many standards - home we helped design/build more than twenty-five years ago. I economize like crazy just to get thru the week some months but it isn't always visible from the outside. My kids are my priority and I'll do without if neccessary to see that they have a happy memorable childhood.

I knew after the first playdate that we felt very differently about things, but there's nothing wrong with that. The GF's mom informed me in the first twenty minutes alone with me that her DD would never own an AG doll b/c name brands are a waste of money, they don't plan to travel anywhere or take any vacations for at least twenty years, the last extra her kids were in was a huge ripoff so they won't be doing any sports, and she "was so happy that she pinched herself every morning when she got up to be sure it wasn't a dream". (okay, I confess, this is the part that got to me - I'm okay with my life right now but far from pinchably happy and wouldn't tell people that even if I were...) Their house is beautiful, but not overly furnished. They have stunning landscaping, a large pool, hot tub, playground, ect. She's a SAHM and I'm told her DH is a doctor though it would be rude to ask so I'm not positive.

Week before last there was party. Several other moms were there too and I realized it isn't just me. Most of these other families also appear to live within their means but they each had travel plans, their girls all did some sport or other activity, and they all had a doll. The other girls' dads all have blue collar/middle income jobs and all but two moms are also SAHMs. As we watched the kids in the pool and talk turned to travel, this mom who I'd like so much to be friends with sat there appearing to barely tolerate us.

So... I can't invite her out to lunch while kids are in school b/c she doesn't do that, I can't talk about sports, dance, dolls, trips, work, or a big sale on name brands and I'm not the type to just drop in and hang out even if I did feel more welcome. She is very frugal but lives very comfortably and isn't the type to share budget tips with either. Please help me figure out how to make DD's favorite little friend's mom my friend too...

Sorry but I am not speculating--anyone that spouts off about other peoples spending habits as being "waste of money" and how pinchably happy she is because she doesn't do those things is NOT a nice person. It is one thing to disagree with something someone else has but another to profess you will NEVER do that because... . That is just plain rude. We have friends that have motorcycles. I will never buy a motorcycle because they are not safe. I certainly wouldn't say that to anyone, let alone my friend, or someone I JUST met. It doesn't mean I think any more or less of them it is just something I won't do.

No one thinks the OP is an idiot but sometimes others can see things better from the outside and we are expressing an opinion. She asked, we answered--we wouldn't waste our time trying to be friends with someone like that, simple as that.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am not going to commnet on why you should/should not be friends with the mom--I really can't tell enough from YOUR posts to judge that But I have some ideas of things you could do with her that might work to break the ice:

start a book group (as mentioned by a previous poster) or invite her to join you in trying out a book group at the local library

invite her over for coffee/tea without the kids

does she scrapbook? do you? maybe suggest getting together to work on your albums--or any otehr common hobby or craft (knitting?)

invite her to go for a run, bike ride or hike with you while the girls are in school

talk "parenting" with her (just to get the ball rolling). Ask her what she thinks of some of the clothing styles marketed at 8 year old girls or how she decides which battles are worth having or something

one last commnet--I do agree that by 8 it is very odd to stay for playdates; especially when the girls have an established relationship (meaning not the very first playdate between them).

 

[Dancemom03]

I am a paranoid, overprotective mom but by age 8 (actually by age 3, yes 3), DSs went on playdates by themselves (example- other mom would pick up kids at preschool and take them home to play, I would pick up DS a couple of hours later). Could the "frugal mom" just really be uninterested in having "mommy playdates"? Perhaps she is trying not to have anything in common with you so you'll drop off your child and leave? Obviously she thinks your child is one of her child's favorite buddies. Otherwise she probably won't invest the time in these family playdates. Be thankful your child has such a good friend, and seek out other women for your friendships.

Usually the playdate involves swimming. DD8 is not an accomplished swimmer and the other mom has three children. She's made it clear that she expects me to stay. In fact, there was even one day when she hoped DH would come along (he declined). So there's no doubt that she's making a true effort to be friends, it just always seems like I'm saying or thinking the wrong thing when I'm there though. Maybe as the weather changes, and the kids don't have the option of swimming, we'll be able to agree to drop off and pick up.

Thinking back, I remember telling my mother "boy, this woman's a pill" after the first time and getting a lecture about how awful I was not to want to socialize with her - how I should be nicer b/c DD8 deserves to have friends and might not if I'm not friendly. So, I figured since DD8 and her friend get along so well and we moms have to spend time together anyway I might as well make an effort too and see what becomes of it. I'm just finding it a bit more challenging than anticipated some days.

This hits the nail on the head for me, right there. I am one of those women who has a few close friends and I DO think you can have too many friends. I can't tell you how many time I've politely but firmly frosted moms looking to be instant best buddies.

Just because our kids hang out doesn't mean we need to be friends, and it doesn't mean that I'm interested in being friends with you. I'm happy to say hi to you at the bus stop and at school functions, but I don't want to be your buddy.

I have enough friends.

And the more insistent a woman is in becoming my friend or pushing a relationship, the frostier I get. IMO, relationships develop naturally and slowly over time, with mutual interest on both ends. If you're meant to be friends with this woman (and frankly, it doesn't look that way because she's giving you every "go away" signal in her arsenal right up to the hairy edge of being rude and then some), then it'll happen eventually.

Just my 2c...

You know, I had forgotten until I read this reply but, once upon a time when the older kids were younger, I used to say "I have friends... and I have acquaintances". DH was the guy who never met a soul who didn't love to be around him. I was always the one setting boundaries, and still do in other aspects of our daily social lives. In my ferver though to do it all again and make it wonderful for the youngest princess, I think I forgot that, but am glad to be reminded. This woman can be a very good acquaintance, but you all are right, she doesn't neccessarily have to be a friend.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I've been parenting for over thirty years now, heck I'm overprotective but I'm willing to drop my child off and pick up without staying if the other parent is agreeable. Hmmm...what's your child doing tonight? I don't even need directions, I've got mapquest. I'll even send along some ice cream when I drop her off...

You're welcome to drop her off, but I suspect it might be a bit of a drive (and the ice cream is likely to be ice soup).

<-------------------------------------------

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

You know, I had forgotten until I read this reply but, once upon a time when the older kids were younger, I used to say "I have friends... and I have acquaintances". DH was the guy who never met a soul who didn't love to be around him. I was always the one setting boundaries, and still do in other aspects of our daily social lives. In my ferver though to do it all again and make it wonderful for the youngest princess, I think I forgot that, but am glad to be reminded. This woman can be a very good acquaintance, but you all are right, she doesn't neccessarily have to be a friend.

I think this is a healthy attitude, at least for now. It sounds to me like maybe she's just a bit socially challenged and insecure, and is struggling to find topics to talk about (just like you!). Although common ground is often difficult to find, I would keep trying. It sounds like she really does want to be your friend, and perhaps as she gets more comfortable with you, she'll find less need to criticize and compare herself with others.

ETA - I mean that you're both struggling to find topics to talk about, not that you are both socially challenged and insecure! Hope you weren't offended!!!

 

[mjkacmom]

Is this the only mom of your dd's friends who makes you stay? It is bizzare, at the age of 8, to have a parent stay for a playdate, and you say this will go on for several more years? When my kids were 10, they were riding their bikes without parental supervision. I drop dd8 off at dance class several towns away for about 6 hours a week. Parents don't even stay at birthday parties at this age (unless they're out at a public place, and then some of the moms will stay, and look out for other children).

When your dd has friends over, do their moms stay? I think this woman might be a bit nutty.

 

[Dancemom03]

ETA - I mean that you're both struggling to find topics to talk about, not that you are both socially challenged and insecure! Hope you weren't offended!!!

No offense here! I've never had a problem fitting in before and tend to get tagged for volunteering a lot b/c my mouth has a problem forming the word "no" when pressed in public. As a result I know a lot of people in town and so do my kids. I'm also that mom who is so outgoing that my kids sometimes flinch when there's a conversation going on and I overhear or get pulled in - especially if the topic is wdw. I do have to admit, it's really embarassing to have a child pulling on your shirt asking "can we go now" when that kid's in high school.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm going to be brutally honest here. I'm not flaming you. I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You DON'T like her. You don't get along. And you are uncomfortable with yourself for having those feelings. You don't want to admit it because you fear it would make you as critical and judgemental as SHE is of others. She is actually mirroring traits you don't like and wish you didn't have. You want to be the model friend. You think you should like her regardless of who she is because it would make YOU a bad person if you don't accept her as she is. So you are bending over backwards to please her and justify yourself to her. YOU need to win her approval, so you won't be like her.

You don't have to like her. Not everyone gets along or has the same values. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't like her. I think you have to come to terms with that. What makes a bad person? Why do you have to be friends with everyone? What does that make you if you are not?

Can you be discriminating in your personal choices without being a bad person? can you have different choices and values and not think of it as being judgemental of those who have different choices (without needing to hang out with them?)




Isn't it obvious? This woman LIKES to judge and think of herself as superior. Game is over when people don't stay and allow themselves to be targets. She can't judge people who don't hang around to be judged. So of course she disparages them. The very fact that she said it varies means that others don't stay. You want to be liked and approved of by her. You actually set yourself up nicely to be judged by staying and wanting to be friends and she loves it. Game would end if she ever found you "adequate." So of course, you're never going to be.

I feel kind of sad for you. Until you get this and can walk away cleanly, YOU will keep playing this round robin, setting yourself up for more of this and with other people who will also be able to yank on this chain.

It seems that way. It would be hard to like someone that knocks you down on every little thing. It's fine not to agree with something. No need to run it in the ground like she has done (IMO). The unfriendly mom would be in the acquaintance category for me, and for good reason.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you say that she wants you there because the girls are swimming, does she swim? That thought just popped into my head.

Does she come over to your house with her dd? Is this relationship lopsided?

Anyway if she still insists on you staying for visits and they are not swimming, then maybe it is something else.

 

[Imzadi]

Thinking back, I remember telling my mother "boy, this woman's a pill" after the first time and getting a lecture about how awful I was not to want to socialize with her - how I should be nicer b/c DD8 deserves to have friends and might not if I'm not friendly. So, I figured since DD8 and her friend get along so well and we moms have to spend time together anyway I might as well make an effort too and see what becomes of it. I'm just finding it a bit more challenging than anticipated some days.

I think you finally getting to the crux of it. Your mom guilt-tripped you into feeling the need to like this person, otherwise you'd be a bad person judging her. And DD would be out of a good friend. I knew for some reason you felt the need to deny you don't like her and figure out a way to approve of her.

• DD can still have the other DD as good friend separate from your aquaintanceship with this woman.
• This woman can still be a pill to deal with and you don't have to hang out.
• You get to choose your own friends & aquaintances even if your mother doesn't agree.

I'm curious, do you have a pool of your own? Is there a possibility DD perhaps is more interested in the pool aspect of this friendship than the friend herself?

 

[BelleWDW]

Thinking back, I remember telling my mother "boy, this woman's a pill" after the first time and getting a lecture about how awful I was not to want to socialize with her - how I should be nicer b/c DD8 deserves to have friends and might not if I'm not friendly. .

You have a 31 year old, so I'm guessing you are in your 50's-and your MOTHER lectures you? Really?

 

[Imzadi]

You have a 31 year old, so I'm guessing you are in your 50's-and your MOTHER lectures you? Really?

Some mothers will lecture all during life. Some know buttons to push well into adulthood.

 

[diznygirl]

You have a 31 year old, so I'm guessing you are in your 50's-and your MOTHER lectures you? Really?

Some mothers will lecture all during life. Some know buttons to push well into adulthood.

Exactly! Some mothers just don't have an OFF button.




When my kids have playdates I know I don't have to stay, but it's nice for us moms to sit and chat. I like the opportunity to be social. I can totally see where sometimes it's just hard to relate to someone and find things to talk about.

 

[Dancemom03]

I'm curious, do you have a pool of your own? Is there a possibility DD perhaps is more interested in the pool aspect of this friendship than the friend herself?

We have our own pool as well (ours doesn't have a deep end so fewer worries) but actually keep a membership to the swim club too. DD8 likes the swim club better b/c a lot of kids she knows spend a part of the day there so we try to go most weekday afternoons for a few hours.

The girls were friends years before we knew where they lived or that they had a pool. I've made several invitations to both mother and daughter, singly or together, to come here or go to movies - my treat. So far, all have been declined, yet she continues to invite us there...

You have a 31 year old, so I'm guessing you are in your 50's-and your MOTHER lectures you? Really?

Oh boy, you betcha! On everything. Insists that we talk for a prolonged chat several times a day... calls to ask where are my kids? when I tell her > the next question is > can you see them? This is to make sure I didn't make something up... oh, like say... playing in traffic... You'll love my trip report when I get it started. She was really flipping out that I'd take DD8 camping - in a tent outside, no less!

DM is living vicariously thru me now that she's retired and has limited adventure. She missed a lot of our everyday elem/middle/high school moments as a divorced, working mother in the sixties. That was a period in history when most folks didn't divorce and few mothers worked. As a result of the need for her to earn a living we were raised to be very independant - think like if left in the wild with wolves

Seriously though... the older she gets, the needier/more critical/demanding she gets. Thankfully we have caller id...