Have only one child or when did you decide to have another?

[harleyquinn]

I always knew I wanted more than one child, but some people aren't wired that way and there is nothing wrong with it. Just have what you can handle!

I work at a daycare in the infant room and we have 3 month old babies that are left with us from 7 in the morning until 6:30 at night because their parents are busy doing other things. Then they complain about how hard the babies are, but they are with us over 11 hours a day! We have a new baby starting next week who is 2 months old and her mother works from 7:30-4, but has told us that she will leave the baby with us until 6:30 so she can have alone time after work. Uh why did you have the baby then? We have babies that are picked up as soon as their parents are off work and then we have the ones that I feel are "accessory" babies. They are dressed in the trendiest clothes but live their life in daycare because their parents are too busy at happy hour, or the gym or whatever is more important that their babies.

Sorry for the rant OP, and I'm sure you are not one of those kinds of parents, but it just makes us sad at work that some of these babies spend so much time with us. We love our babies, but they should be with their parents if the parents aren't at work.

once again, sorry for the rant

No, thank you for the rant, because you're right I'm not that kind of parent. I'm kind of the opposite. I know I should be taking time for myself somewhere, but so far I haven't been able to. But you're rant makes me feel better, because it lets me see that I'm not as selfish as I think I am. While I might want to do the things those parents are doing, I could never imagine actually doing something like that.

Our stories seem to be so similar. I alos thought that it would be esay for me after DD was born. I have been taknig care of other people's children since I was 12, and have always adored babies. I sould know what to do and be fine. No one told me it is totally differnet when it is your own, and childbirth really does take a huge emotional and physical toll that it takes time to recover from. I was so over confident that i would be fine I told my mom to go home after the delivery. I honestly thought DH and I could tkae care of her by myself for the first week, and have mom come to help me the second. I went home on Monday, and by Wed. I was laying face down on the couch coming to the realization that I was not at all sure I would be able to pick myself up and go to her the next time she cried. I was just phsically to my limit. DH tried his best to help, but bnless his heart, he knows nothing about babies and was terrified to do something wrong, which ment I ended up getting up every time anyway. It ened up taking at least 2 of us alternating nights with no sleep that first 8 weeks or so to make it. DD would cry for hours at a time and someone would have to be up walking her. One day it went on for 12 full hours. I honestly don't know what i would have done without my mom and grandmother to help.

Wasn't that first week wonderful?? I wish I could bottle the hormones that made me feel so euphoric. After that, I had the baby blues really bad for about a week and it was so terrible. I never want to feel that way again. I never want to feel the way I feel now again either!

 

[goodeats]

Don't feel guilty! Some people aren't into babies, but love the toddler/child stage. I think it's more interesting when you can really teach them something and see the instant lightbulb. Now it's like you show them something and it takes months before you see the payoff.

We definitely want two because we both have siblings we are close to. Also, I think when we're old it's not fair to saddle ourselves onto one child. We won't start trying for number two until DD is *at least* two. I am still bf and want at least a year of having my body back. Plus it would be nice not to have two in diapers at the same time.

 

[harleyquinn]

Just roll with it and quit stressing yourself out.

Wonderful advice that I am taking to heart!

 

[turkeymama]

I knew I wanted another child when I was in the recovery room after the first one was born. It was a terrible labor that ended in an emergency c-section. She has life-threatening food allergies that almost killed her as an infant until we figured it all out. And through it all, I still felt biologically driven to have another child. So DS was born 3 1/2 years later (he just turned 6 yesterday) and he has his own challenges. I loved being pregnant, I loved the baby years, I do get misty when I recall the late night feedings, and we always looked at the late nights with sick babies as "special bonding time", lol. Hopeless romantics, right?

My sister, on the other hand, hated being pregnant and had a rough time. She enjoyed Dnephew as an infant, but she likes him much more the older he gets and the more independent he gets. She knew from the beginning that he would be an only and she hasn't regretted her decision for one minute. He is almost 13 and he loves being an only. When he gets a hankering for siblings, he comes to my house. When he gets tired of the cousins, he goes back home. It works for her.

I think everyone is different. You shouldn't feel guilty for a second about not loving the baby-years. Just like someone else said, we are all wired differently. Do what is best for your family because ultimately, that is who matters the most.

 

[disneymomofmyca]

I always knew I wanted more than one child, but some people aren't wired that way and there is nothing wrong with it. Just have what you can handle!

I work at a daycare in the infant room and we have 3 month old babies that are left with us from 7 in the morning until 6:30 at night because their parents are busy doing other things. Then they complain about how hard the babies are, but they are with us over 11 hours a day! We have a new baby starting next week who is 2 months old and her mother works from 7:30-4, but has told us that she will leave the baby with us until 6:30 so she can have alone time after work. Uh why did you have the baby then? We have babies that are picked up as soon as their parents are off work and then we have the ones that I feel are "accessory" babies. They are dressed in the trendiest clothes but live their life in daycare because their parents are too busy at happy hour, or the gym or whatever is more important that their babies.

Sorry for the rant OP, and I'm sure you are not one of those kinds of parents, but it just makes us sad at work that some of these babies spend so much time with us. We love our babies, but they should be with their parents if the parents aren't at work.

once again, sorry for the rant

I know parents like this too and it breaks my heart. I worked full time for only 2 moths after my DD was born. I then went to part time but still, I couldn't handle some one else raising her. So my DH works his butt off so that I can stay home and raise her. I feel amazingly lucky to have this opportunity to be home with her. The sad thing about your post is that SO many parents have to work full time and they feel very badly about having to put their children in daycare...but they have no choice. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the parents that find thier children to be a burden. Who are happy to have a place to drop them off at. My sister is one of these parents and I very, very much dislike her for it. She very loudly complains about being tired of her children after only mere minutes of being in thier presence. I get so ill thinking about it. THose little girls want love from her and she litterally pushes them away. Sorry!!! OT but I had to rant too!

 

[Colleen27]

Thank you all so much for sharing!!!

I think part of my guilt is that I feel like I should like all of this baby stuff. I really appreciate all the honesty here. Because of my career, I work with a lot of moms and families and they always ask how is everything and isn't babyhood wonderful. I find myself cringing everytime and weighing whether I should be honest or just flippant.

But when I'm honest, most of the time their eyes will light up and they'll say that they remember feeling the same as me.

I feel like a bad mom, because I really just don't like everything right now.

You are all the best! You're making me feel so much better.

I don't know where that mythology of moms loving the newborn stage comes from. Gerber commercials, probably. Or maybe Carter commercials, because the babies in those are always sleeping peacefully.

I felt pretty guilty for not being a baby person the first time around too, and beat myself up about it for a long time. I was young and my oldest was unplanned, and I thought that there was something wrong with me because I wasn't all hearts-and-flowers about sleepless nights and spit-up. When my second came along under about the best circumstances a mother could ask for and I still didn't love the infant phase, I realized that's just me. I don't like being pregnant and I don't much like the infant stage. I love my kids, but I just deal with pregnancy and infancy to get the fun little people they grow into later on.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

My husband and I have always known we would only have one. Our daughter is now almost 6 and we have never had an urge to have another. We get blasted all the time for our choice but we have no regrets. We are a two career family and we wanted to ensure we could devote our full attention to our darling girl. If I had another, I feel we would be shortchanging both of them.

 

[princessmom29]

I know parents like this too and it breaks my heart. I worked full time for only 2 moths after my DD was born. I then went to part time but still, I couldn't handle some one else raising her. So my DH works his butt off so that I can stay home and raise her. I feel amazingly lucky to have this opportunity to be home with her. The sad thing about your post is that SO many parents have to work full time and they feel very badly about having to put their children in daycare...but they have no choice. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the parents that find thier children to be a burden. Who are happy to have a place to drop them off at. My sister is one of these parents and I very, very much dislike her for it. She very loudly complains about being tired of her children after only mere minutes of being in thier presence. I get so ill thinking about it. THose little girls want love from her and she litterally pushes them away. Sorry!!! OT but I had to rant too!

I think everyone feels differently about daycare. I love my DD and didn't leave her at daycare when I wasn't working, ever, but I looked at daycare as a good thing for her, not something I wished I didn't have to do. I never felt badly about sending her. She was a very social child from the beginning and loved being with other chidlren. Daycare gave her the opportunity to do that ,and she learned how to function in a group of children from an early age. She loved going and always had wonderful teachers who taught he so much. I will also be honest here about the fact that I never could have been a stay at home mom when DD was little. I would have gone completely bonkers. I am just not wired that way. I need to be around other adults on a regular basis. I don't think it makes me any less of a good mother that I enjoy my job and going to work. I also enjoy my time spent with DD and always have. I love both, and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wonderful advice that I am taking to heart!

Good. Babies can be exhausting. It does get better. One day everything just "clicks" and becomes your new normal.

 

[blanq]

My situation and reason for having an only is a bit unique and likely not to apply to many but I will share it. I was married 9 years, and waited until I was 31 to have my first child. My DS, now 16, was born at 26 weeks gestation, weighing 2lbs. He spent 14 weeks in intensive care with significant complications, including a bout of sepsis that almost took his life, and he came home on an apenea monitor and oxygen. I learned I have an incompetent cervix in the process, so knew any other pregnancy would be a high risk one. It was a risk DH and I decided we did not want to take. There are times I do a bit of wishful thinking about what might have been if we had tried for another one, but then I look at my DS's perfect smiling face and know how blessed I am. I think our decision was best for our family, my health, and the health of any potential other child that could have come into the equation.

To the OP, listen to your heart. You should not feel bad at all about the feelings you have and about it being hard. Every stage of raising a child is different. I have loved some of those stages and hated some, and some fell in between. I think that is the case no matter how many kids you decide to have. And every kid is different with a different temperament and personality. There is no right or wrong reason to have an only or to have more than one. It is a personal choice with personal reasons for that choice. It's all good.

 

[sbell111]

I didn't want to have a second baby. There, I said it.

Sarah was just a few months old and she was a honking lot of work, even for me, a Dad, who everyone knows doesn't get stuck with the bulk of the baby work. Babies are hard to figure out, completely uncontrollable, and send your entire life into a tailspin. Plus, we're old. By the time Sarah finishes undergrad, I had already planned to retire.

Cathy, however, saw our 'oldness' in a different light. What if something happened to us? She felt that having two children would be better because they would always be there for one another, no matter what our fates were. Plus, she just plain wanted another. So we decided to have another (and before we knew it, we were having another). Of course, now when I'm playing with Sarah and she's a giggly, wiggly mess, I can't imagine not having another.

Having multiple children isn't a requirement and no one should feel that they have to have another if they are not ready. Take life as it's handed to you and make the best of it. You're a good Mom. If you end up having another, it will end up being a great experience (eventually). If you don't have another, that will be great, too.

 

[mjkacmom]

Although I do enjoy children, I don't enjoy them enough to just have one - way too much work for me! Heck, I have one home sick (not very sick), and I'm at a loss of what to do with her. My kids play with each other VERY well - it's like a life-long playdate here. I can usually tell when one of their friends is an only when they come over (like they show me everything they draw ).

Another reason why I had a bunch is I'm always amazed at how different they all are. Having another is like opening a really big present! I also LOVE seeing another side of my children - as a sibling. The relationship between siblings is different than between friends, or with parents, or with teachers, or with spouses.

I was never a baby person, and I'm still not. However, the time goes by SO fast - I feel like my dd13 was literally born a year ago. I'm so grateful for my unplanned surprise twins - having them still be in 1st grade is making it much easier for me to face the fact that I have one going into JH next year, and 1 going into HS! Hopefully, when the time comes for them to get out of elementary school, I'll be so sick of it, I won't mourn it.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

To be honest until I was 30 my biological clock had its springs well and truly out of place. Then I hit 30 and wanted a child - being overweight and having PCOS though this didn't happen for another 5 years so I was 35 when my DD was born. After the trauma of TTC for 5 years I just wanted some time with my DD without even thinking about another child. I can't say the 'baby' time was my favourite bit of her development at all - she's nine now and I'd say my favourite age has been from about 6 until now.

Due to finding motherhood hard but wonderful at the same time, the time has never been right to TTc another child in our case. I'll be 45 this year so even if I decided to try the slim chances of concieving - and the risks of problems - are too much for me so my DD will be an 'only'. That said she has older cousins who she loves spending time with and is a very happy, intelligent and contented child so I'm perfectly happy with what I've got!

 

[mjkacmom]

I think part of my guilt is that I feel like I should like all of this baby stuff. I really appreciate all the honesty here. Because of my career, I work with a lot of moms and families and they always ask how is everything and isn't babyhood wonderful. I find myself cringing everytime and weighing whether I should be honest or just flippant.

But when I'm honest, most of the time their eyes will light up and they'll say that they remember feeling the same as me.

I feel like a bad mom, because I really just don't like everything right now.

You are all the best! You're making me feel so much better.

I wish I knew what I know now, now that my kids are older, and I'm very close with other moms. What you see in public is not always real. I remember when my oldest was 2 months old, and I was honest with a friend, who's dd was a year old. I told her these were the 2 worst months of my life, and she told me "duh - of course it's horrible!" Why didn't anyone tell me? Do people just forget how hard having a newborn can be, the sleepless nights, feeling completely inept?

It's the same when they get older. The parent who calmly disciplines her child at the park can become a screamer in the privacy of her own home, on occassion. I've know many moms for many years now, and we are comfortable enough to exchange not-so-proud-mommy-meltdown-moments with each other, and it does make you feel better.

Whether or not to have more is a personal decision that only your family can decide, but I wouldn't base it on not loving every moment having a baby! My dd13 would be an only child, and she was my easiest (but I had no experience, so I had an easier time with the rest).

 

[PollyannaMom]

...If you decided to have only one child, would you mind sharing why?...

Well, the official reason was I that found out while expecting the first one that I have a very low platelet count - which means my blood doesn't clot right, and pregnancy can be especially dangerous for me. I obvoiusly made it, but was very hesitant to take that risk again, once I was somebody's mother.

And maybe it's really just me looking on the bright side, but I think the fact that we do have the medical reason kind of allows us to acknowledge, without feeling selfish, that having just one probably would have been the right decision for our family anyway:

DH is great with kids, but also a person who needs his quiet time. In a house with one, there actually is some.

I'm a person who does not do well on less than enough sleep! I was able get around it pretty well with one, the whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing, but I wouldn't have been able to do that with another child to look after at the same time.

I am also not at all skilled at making decisions between people. (Heck, I even feel guilty when both of the cats want my lap at once!) As a mom of more than one, sometimes you have to give one what they need at the expense of giving another what they need. I know that would tear me up.

I also simply love the flexibility of having one. If I want I houseful of kids for a while (and I do love kids!) I just let DS invite his friends over. It's great, and fun...and then they go home. - I call it "scheduling my chaos".


Every family size has advantages and disadvantages. If DS didn't have 5 cousins nearby, I probably would have worried more about him not having siblings. But he has a strong extended family, and a neighborhood full of other kids to play with, and so we concentrate on the advantages: more one-on-one time, a larger share of the financial resources, the relative ease of outings with a smaller group, etc.

I think, OP, that once your baby is older, you'll just know. The best way I've heard it put is "Just look around the table, and see if anyone's missing." And remember, if you do decide on one, "Knowing your limits is not being selfish, it's being honest."

 

[MichelleVW]

No, thank you for the rant, because you're right I'm not that kind of parent. I'm kind of the opposite. I know I should be taking time for myself somewhere, but so far I haven't been able to. But you're rant makes me feel better, because it lets me see that I'm not as selfish as I think I am. While I might want to do the things those parents are doing, I could never imagine actually doing something like that.

You do need some time for yourself, the people I'm talking about seem to only think of themselves though. It's really sad. We do have some awesome parents at my daycare though, just a few that seem to take advantage of the situation.

I think everyone feels differently about daycare. I love my DD and didn't leave her at daycare when I wasn't working, ever, but I looked at daycare as a good thing for her, not something I wished I didn't have to do. I never felt badly about sending her. She was a very social child from the beginning and loved being with other chidlren. Daycare gave her the opportunity to do that ,and she learned how to function in a group of children from an early age. She loved going and always had wonderful teachers who taught he so much. I will also be honest here about the fact that I never could have been a stay at home mom when DD was little. I would have gone completely bonkers. I am just not wired that way. I need to be around other adults on a regular basis. I don't think it makes me any less of a good mother that I enjoy my job and going to work. I also enjoy my time spent with DD and always have. I love both, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I was a working mother too when my girls were little and I'm with you, I would have gone bonkers if I stayed home. I also think daycare is good for most kids, but the people I'm talking about leave the babies/kids there for 10-11 hours a day not because they have too, it's because they want too.

 

[ilovejack02]

I didn't want another kiddo after DS7 was born until he was about 3 years old, but decided to wait another cpl of years to start trying.

Unfortunately I put it off to long, by the time I decided I was ready to start trying, I had developed horrible cysts and endometriosis. After having surgery once and trying countless medications hubby has decided at 40 he no longer wants anymore children and I can't change his mind.

SOO in the next cpl of months I will have a hysterectomy, due to the cysts and pain are coming back.

I really wish I would have gone ahead and started trying when DS was 3 and not waited longer. I waited because I wanted DS older and more independent and because of that I lost my chance .

 

[disneymomofmyca]

I think everyone feels differently about daycare. I love my DD and didn't leave her at daycare when I wasn't working, ever, but I looked at daycare as a good thing for her, not something I wished I didn't have to do. I never felt badly about sending her. She was a very social child from the beginning and loved being with other chidlren. Daycare gave her the opportunity to do that ,and she learned how to function in a group of children from an early age. She loved going and always had wonderful teachers who taught he so much. I will also be honest here about the fact that I never could have been a stay at home mom when DD was little. I would have gone completely bonkers. I am just not wired that way. I need to be around other adults on a regular basis. I don't think it makes me any less of a good mother that I enjoy my job and going to work. I also enjoy my time spent with DD and always have. I love both, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I agree 100% that daycare is very, very good for some children. We have alot of sketchy daycare mom's around here and we had bad experiances in the short time my DD was in them. I don't have any problem with working mothers at all...in fact....I am always amazed by working mothers! You guys are amazing! I couldn't do it all! I was more or less trying to say that their are certain types of parents who have their kids in daycare WAY more than needed. Like the PP said about some babies being there 11 hours!! And my sister who is not wired to be a mommy at all...yet she chose to bring 2 little girls into this world...and she should have known to stop after the first one...Nothing against anyone else at all...I just have a lot of bad feelings about my sisters situation and got a bit OT.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I have one sibling and we are quite a few years apart in age. We are very close. We did have times growing up that we weren't but we are now in the same place in life and closer than ever. Both of us always wanted more siblings. We were always jealous of families that had many siblings. It always seemed to be so much fun. I was an only child for quite a few years. I always wanted brothers and sisters. I hated being an only child. I was doted on by the whole family (1st Granchild etc.) and had many cousins that I saw all the time but it was not the same. They all had brothers and sisters. I yearned for that. I used to wish on ladybugs for a sister. When my Mom had my sister I think I was happier than anyone. I loved being with her every single second. I still remember the day she was born. I wouldn't trade her for anything.
Our kids are close in age. They love being with each other and I couldn't imagine it any other way. We really are blessed.

That being said- I think everyone should have the amount of children that they are comfortable with and that they WANT. There is no right number or wrong number.

 

[DisneyFairytale]

We haven't talked to seriously yet about how many children we are going to have, but from a health point of view, I think we will likely have just 2. With 2 children, it allows them to have a sibling and be able to grow with someone their age.
Children are a big financial responsibility. I want to make sure that I can always provide anything that they might be interested in doing which is why I am thinking(at the moment), of having just the 2 children.

I think every child needs a sibling.