Have only one child or when did you decide to have another?

[princessmom29]

We haven't talked to seriously yet about how many children we are going to have, but from a health point of view, I think we will likely have just 2. With 2 children, it allows them to have a sibling and be able to grow with someone their age.
Children are a big financial responsibility. I want to make sure that I can always provide anything that they might be interested in doing which is why I am thinking(at the moment), of having just the 2 children.

I think every child needs a sibling.

I don't think every child needs a sibling. I was an only child until 7 and quite content to stay that way. So is my DD. It is not necessary that a child have a sibling to be healthy, happy, and well adjusted, and frankly I find it a little insulting to insinuate otherwise. Mabye you didn't mean it to be a slam, but that's how it read to me.

 

[Hoodie]

My DS is about 4 months older than your DD. When he was your DD's age, DH asked when we should start thinking of #2. I was completely not ready and like you, couldn't even THINK of it!

About a month before he turned one I noticed he was no longer a baby and had moved strongly into toddlerhood. Everything changed. I still can't imagine having #2 right now (and I actually know someone who has their second already and their first is DS's age!!), but I can entertain the possibility. He's gaining more independence everyday and the thought of another baby doesn't seem as frightening anymore.

 

[MIGrandma]

You and your DH are the only ones who can decide what is right for you.

That said, I was an only child and I hated it. I was constantly asking for a baby sister or brother and never got one.

When DH and I got married I told him I wanted at least two children. He was from a family of three and he didn't want three as it was always two against one. I did not want to make our son an only child, and have him wish so hard for a sibling like I did. So we had a second child 2-1/2 years later. We had a girl the second time, and so since DH did not want three children and I did not want four we stopped at two, especially since already having a son and a daughter there was nothing else to have.

Yes, they fought and disagreed a lot while growing up. But there are now 31 and almost 34 and get along so much better. I have never regretted having two. I know I would have always regretted having just one.

I didn't really enjoy the "baby days" either. I much prefer children when they are at least 3 years old, and even more as they get older. I like it when they can TELL me when they are hungry or thirsty, too hot, too cold, etc. And with our son I was so inexperienced. I had never even changed a diaper until we brought him home from the hospital. There was so much to get used to. But with our second one I was vacuuming and doing laundry the day we brought her home. I was so much more relaxed. I had experience and knew more about what to expect the second time around.

Right now you may feel you don't want another, and that's fine if that ends up being what you truly want. But, in a few years you may change your mind too. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Piecey]

I'm basically going to take our conversation on Facebook yesterday a step further.

You mentioned that she doesn't let you get far from her. She doesn't play on her own (like Lucas does)...

So the biggest question, to me, is whether or not I was willing to take a chance that I'd get another Lily... or might I get a baby like Lucas? One that would let me step away and could entertain themselves happily.

You've struggled with how hands-on she is but not all babies are like that. You might get one that doesn't want held 24/7 next time.

I think, in the past, you've mentioned on our thread that you couldn't imagine her being an only child.

So I guess the question I'd ask myself, if I were you... is which one can you live with? Not taking the chance, making Lily an only child... or giving her a sibling and taking the chance they need all the attention she does.

This probably wasn't very helpful but it's all I got.

(and Lucas is on my lap trying to get to the keyboard so I think he's trying to say hi! )

 

[rodgers5]

well right now it is spring break here and I'm asking myself whyyyyy? did I have 3 ??? haha. but really I thought we would just have 1 because I'm an only, but when my DS11 was about 5 we found out we were pregnant with DS5, surprised to say the least. when he was 3months my appendix burts and had to have emergency surgury and was told to go home and enjoy my little guy because during surgury they found alot of scar tissue and told me I wouldnt be able to get pregnant again which was ok with me but low and behold guess what happens 2 months later surprise i'm what??? yep the antibiotics that they had me taking after the surgury voided out my birth control. Soooo my DS4 was born . I am completely happy and feel there is always a reason and I couldnt imagine a life without my boys . On and 2nd note I am the mom who really enjoys the baby time but my kids took it easy on me ( not fussy, slept good and very content) I't when they back talk that is the age where I struggle. Lately I have been thinking how nice it would be to have a little girl but DH said we would probably just have another boy oh well :}

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

I had so many problems trying to have my DD12: fertility problems, miscarriages, surgeries, tests....etc. Finally had her 3 yrs later, when we had "planned" to have the second. We waited a while to start our family and were a bit older.

When the time came to think about having a second, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through that again and wasn't sure I wanted to deal with possibly having a child 3 years out if I met with similar problems. Also, at this point our marriage (and finances) was going through a real low point, so I could not have gone through those things again given the lack of moral support/ not having a partner there to support me 100%. I also did not think it was the best atmosphere to bring a child into - especially not knowing if those conditions would improve.

I do not regret the decision so much for myself, but sometimes wonder if my DD wouldn't have benefited from a sibling. I am so worried she will feel "alone" once we are gone. (Then again I am no longer close to my sibling - so there are no givens!) She does not bring it up much and seems pretty happy with her situation. We purposely moved to an area with plenty of kids for her to hang with. I just worry about later. I definitely do not feel it is a "need" and agree every child is different - and every family is different.

OP - I was where you are when DD was a baby - there was no way I could even think of having another: abit of baby blues, the realization that I wasn't as good with babies as I thought I would be, etc..... Give yourself time, wait and see how your perspective changes or IF it does! I would definitely get through this stage first!!!!

 

[Tinkerdreams]

Just to say that I'm a mom of 3 - all grown and the entire time it was an adventure that I wouldn't change for anything. I see no reason with just having 1 child - but lets just put a bit of a spin on it shall we...

Through the years I've known numerous people that are the only child. The BIG downside to this is as they get older and their parents pass away, they have no one unless they have a close relationship with aunts/uncles/cousins or are married with their own children.

One I knew was not married, no children and the rest of the family lived in another state. They indicated that at the moment that their mom passed - dad had passed a few years before, they wished they had siblings to turn to. Very sad.

So it isn't so much the here and now decision, but the affect of it in the future. Food for thought.

 

[MomofKatie]

We have just 1. DD is going to be 12 in a few months, and I am in my mid 40's, so there will be no more kids for us! DD used to ask why she didn't have a baby brother or sister, but visiting with friends/cousins who fought over toys and all the other kid stuff made her glad to be without competition at home.

We never made the conscious decision to only have one- it just turned out that way. We tried for 2 years to get pregnant with DD, and once she turned a year old, we stopped using birth control. I became pregnant again when DD was almost 4, but had an early miscarraige. We never got pregnant again, and once I turned 40, I went back on BC and will be until I'm safely past babymaking age.

I loved, loved, loved each stage of DD's life- from early pregnancy all the way to early adolescence (hoping the teen years will be the same...). However, I never got the feeling our family was missing something or that I "needed" another baby. We felt it would have been fine to have 2, but I never felt a burning desire to expand our family like I did when we were trying for DD.

We thoroughly enjoy DD, and take time to really savor all her childhood moments, since we won't be repeating the experience. Sometimes I feel bittersweet about all the "firsts" also being "lasts", but I am truly happy with an only child.

 

[sbell111]

I don't think every child needs a sibling. I was an only child until 7 and quite content to stay that way. So is my DD. It is not necessary that a child have a sibling to be healthy, happy, and well adjusted, and frankly I find it a little insulting to insinuate otherwise. Mabye you didn't mean it to be a slam, but that's how it read to me.

It's OK for her to think what she thinks. We all can have an opinion on whether or not it's best to have siblings, or not.

 

[princessmom29]

It's OK for her to think what she thinks. We all can have an opinion on whether or not it's best to have siblings, or not.

of course it is fine for her to decide what is right within her own family and to hold any opinion she wishes, but to say that every child should have a sibling is an indictment of those of us who choose to have only one. It is like I were to say that I don't think anyone should have more than one child. It points the finger at those who choose to have more.

 

[cybrkitn]

I agree 100% that daycare is very, very good for some children. We have alot of sketchy daycare mom's around here and we had bad experiances in the short time my DD was in them. I don't have any problem with working mothers at all...in fact....I am always amazed by working mothers! You guys are amazing! I couldn't do it all! I was more or less trying to say that their are certain types of parents who have their kids in daycare WAY more than needed. Like the PP said about some babies being there 11 hours!! And my sister who is not wired to be a mommy at all...yet she chose to bring 2 little girls into this world...and she should have known to stop after the first one...Nothing against anyone else at all...I just have a lot of bad feelings about my sisters situation and got a bit OT.

DS7 was in daycare from 6 weeks old until about age 4 when he entered pre-school. We had a friend who owned her own daycare and was highly rated with the State of NY. DS would be dropped off at 7:30 by either DH or myself, and I would pick him up around 5:30 (a total of 10 hours at daycare) since my job at the time was only 15 minutes away.

However, with both DH and I working, DS wasn't getting Mommy and Daddy much. He would misbehave, throw temper tantrums and not listen to us. We couldn't understand why. Since I was laid off June of last year and have decided to become a SAHM, I find that I now have more time to spend with DS and participate in school events. The change in our son since last year is remarkable. He did a complete turn-around and it made DH and I realize that all he wanted was one of us to spend more time with him.

With the next one (keeping fingers crossed that this month is the month), there won't be daycare, since I will be home. And DS7 is looking forward to a sibling that he can "show the ropes" to. He even told me that he wants to help feed the baby . I love him so much

 

[sbell111]

of course it is fine for her to decide what is right within her own family and to hold any opinion she wishes, but to say that every child should have a sibling is an indictment of those of us who choose to have only one. It is like I were to say that I don't think anyone should have more than one child. It points the finger at those who choose to have more.

It is OK for someone to hold the belief that all kids need sibs. It is no more an insult to someone who believes that kids can be fine without sibs than it is an insult to her to believe that.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

We have just 1. DD is going to be 12 in a few months, and I am in my mid 40's, so there will be no more kids for us! DD used to ask why she didn't have a baby brother or sister, but visiting with friends/cousins who fought over toys and all the other kid stuff made her glad to be without competition at home.

We never made the conscious decision to only have one- it just turned out that way. We tried for 2 years to get pregnant with DD, and once she turned a year old, we stopped using birth control. I became pregnant again when DD was almost 4, but had an early miscarraige. We never got pregnant again, and once I turned 40, I went back on BC and will be until I'm safely past babymaking age.

I loved, loved, loved each stage of DD's life- from early pregnancy all the way to early adolescence (hoping the teen years will be the same...). However, I never got the feeling our family was missing something or that I "needed" another baby. We felt it would have been fine to have 2, but I never felt a burning desire to expand our family like I did when we were trying for DD.

We thoroughly enjoy DD, and take time to really savor all her childhood moments, since we won't be repeating the experience. Sometimes I feel bittersweet about all the "firsts" also being "lasts", but I am truly happy with an only child.

that sounds so much like our experience!

about the sibling fighting, picking, and competition! DH and I are constantly picking and joking with DD, we tell her we have to make up for the lack of siblings and have to give her the "full experience"! We have fun and it keeps us young - though DD often feigns exasperation with us and our nonsense!

 

[robinb]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

If you decided to have only one child, would you mind sharing why?

If you decided to have more when did you know you wanted more?

Right now DH and I cannot possibly imagine having 2. The very thought...eeeehhh. This baby thing is soooo hard, and I honestly don't like it very much. I LOVE my DD, but I don't like most of what goes into being her mommy right now.

Did anyone initially feel this way, but decide to have another? I know it's too early to worry about it, but I thought it would be interesting to hear other perspectives.

Nope. I was "one and done" .

 

[monkeybug]

Being a mom is so tough, especially in those early stages!
It was hard to imagine having another baby when my daughter was an infant and so demanding of my attention, even as a toddler it was so much work I couldn't imagine adding a baby to our family, but by the time she was in preschool and a bit more independent I knew we were ready for a new addition!
I'm pregnant with our 3rd right now, and it took us over a year to decide if we wanted to stop at 2 or have more children.
There are so many reasons on both sides of the fence that it was nearly an impossible decision to reason out. What finally sealed the decision to have another for me, was the thought of our family in the future.
I want a big family sitting around the Thanksgiving table when I'm older. I want those big family gatherings I've been lucky to be a part of growing up. I want my kids to have each other to lean on in the future. I decided that it was worth all the work, and sacrifice we will all have to go through now, to hopefully have that close large family in the future.
We plan on this being our last biological child, and then when our children are a bit older fostering to adopt (not because we can't have more children, but because it is something both my husband and I feel we need to do).

 

[tar heel]

Babies are exhausting period. You don't get enough sleep. You have too much to do.

I'm an only child and was never one of those girls who was ga ga over babies. When I got married, I wasn't sure I wanted any children but had already decided I would not have an only. I had a happy childhood but I really want a sibling as an adult -- being an only is a huge and exhausting responsibility. After a few months with my baby, I decided he could deal with being an only child! He was exhausting! About the time he turned 3, though, we got the baby urge and a week short of 4 our second was born. He was a delightful baby and wonderful toddler -- made us want one more by the time he was 3. It didn't happen, then I had a miscarriage. We decided that was fine and our family was complete. It wasn't, though -- I had DS#3 on my 38th birthday when his brothers were 6 and 10.

Did I get the baby urge when #3 turned 3? Are you kidding? I don't even want a puppy!

 

[NY Disney fan]

I had a happy childhood but I really want a sibling as an adult -- being an only is a huge and exhausting responsibility.

I have an older sister. As an adult she became disabled and am blessed to be able to take care of her. Having a sibling doesn't guarantee that your responsibilities are shared. In life nothing is guaranteed.

 

[jt8595]

DH always wanted more children, but I was content with one. Then I witnessed my close friend go through many miscarriages and a very difficult pregnancy trying to have a second child. Her son was born with some serious complications but does very well now. It was after that experience that I realized what a true miracle every baby is and decided it was right for us to have one more child. Two children was the right number for our family. I cannot imagine more or less. Everyone is different and that is what makes it a wonderfully, diverse world that we live in.

 

[harleyquinn]

I'm basically going to take our conversation on Facebook yesterday a step further.

You mentioned that she doesn't let you get far from her. She doesn't play on her own (like Lucas does)...

So the biggest question, to me, is whether or not I was willing to take a chance that I'd get another Lily... or might I get a baby like Lucas? One that would let me step away and could entertain themselves happily.

You've struggled with how hands-on she is but not all babies are like that. You might get one that doesn't want held 24/7 next time.

I think, in the past, you've mentioned on our thread that you couldn't imagine her being an only child.

So I guess the question I'd ask myself, if I were you... is which one can you live with? Not taking the chance, making Lily an only child... or giving her a sibling and taking the chance they need all the attention she does.

This probably wasn't very helpful but it's all I got.

(and Lucas is on my lap trying to get to the keyboard so I think he's trying to say hi! )

Hi Lucas!
Good thoughts Patsy. Honestly Lily isn't that high maintenance and I'm terrifyed of having a baby that could be worse. She is clingy and wants her mommy all the time, but I think (and hope) that it is largely a phase.

As far as never imagining her without a sibling, I definitely felt that way in the beginning, but as I've taken some time to really look inside I think that stemmed from social norms more than actual need. I just always assumed I would have two.

Don't even get me started on the possibilities of having twins next time!

Having a sibling doesn't guarantee that your responsibilities are shared. In life nothing is guaranteed.

I think things all come down to this. SO many people state that they must have a sibling to weather the adult years, but I am learning to take that with a grain of salt. My own brother is a mess and has basically bankrupted my parents. Without him, I may have had LESS responsibity for caring for them in their old age, let along care for him.

As far as other relatives...my DD will have several cousins (and family friends) right around her age. A whole bunch of people in our family are pregnant right now.

I'm at the point where I'm open to whatever happens. If we get the baby bug again, great! If not, I don't believe I'm dooming my daughter to a horrible life.

 

[ilovejack02]

Only child here!! I am happy to be an only child, missed having a big family growing up, but trust me knew how lucky i was not to have to share lol. Even as an only adult , I am happy not to share. I know that it will be tough, not having to siblings to turn to when Mom and Dad are older, but that also means, I will have full control over major decisions that will need to be made one day and that is a good thing.

I have a large extended family and they will be my shoulder to lean on during that time.