Guests paying for dinner at the wedding? Update pg7

[MamaLema]

If it said "family" then that would include your kids. So, you were just asking to make sure? I'm not getting this whole "have to pay too" thing. I've never heard of anyone making guests pay for their dinner, but from the response that's what it sounded like. If nothing was on the response card, are they going to be charging people at the reception? This is very confusing. If I were you, I would skip the wedding entirely. Even if you don't have to pay, your kids will not have fun being the only kids there.

Yes. Thank you Beth for understanding. The invitation said "family" which is why I'm not understanding why everyone is getting on my case about inviting my kids to the wedding.

My point was that if I had not asked, then I would have brought my INVITED kids to the wedding AND have to pay for them and not have a clue. I'm sure the other guests don't know either. It doesn't say on the response card.

 

[pw2pp]

Yes. Thank you Beth for understanding. The invitation said "family" which is why I'm not understanding why everyone is getting on my case about inviting my kids to the wedding.

In your first post, you did NOT indicate that your kids were invited (or that it said "family").
You simply said "I got this invitation", so how are we supposed to know that the invitation said "family"?
The fact that your Mother asked her if it's okay if the kids come, led us to believe that the invite did NOT state that kids were invited.

 

[Beth76]

OK, so now I'm thinking the neighbor just made mention to your mom about the kids being full-price too. Not that the guests are expected to pay. Whether she made the comment in hopes to deter you from bringing your kids or merely "complaining" of the cost, I'm not sure. Either way, the price should not have been mentioned.

 

[Sandy22]

Yes now that you've pointed out that the invitation says ____ Family, it is clear the whole family is invited. It is so unusual to be asked to pay that it most likely is a misunderstanding. I say call your neighboor and clear this up or just decline the invitation.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

If the wedding and reception would be after you children's bedtime, I think I would find a sitter and leave the kids at home. That way you and your DH can go and have fun without worrying about watching the kids, especially since there won't be a lot of kids at the weddding. Could be that by "family", the bride meant your mother, you and your DH, even though if that is the case she wasn't very clear.

You certainly have every right to bring your children since she invited the family, but you might have more fun if you leave them at home and with pizza and a movie they would probably have a lot of fun, too.

T&B

 

[damo]

I have never heard of being asked to pay for your own meal at a wedding. She may have been politely suggesting that you leave the kids at home. In either case, I would get it clarified about paying for the meal as it seems very, very strange to me. If you can't find a reliable sitter and don't feel comfortable paying $70/plate, then just go to the ceremony but decline the reception.

Children usually don't pay the same amount as adults though.

 

[marybet]

I have never heard of being asked to pay for your own meal at a wedding. She may have been politely suggesting that you leave the kids at home. In either case, I would get it clarified about paying for the meal as it seems very, very strange to me. If you can't find a reliable sitter and don't feel comfortable paying $70/plate, then just go to the ceremony but decline the reception.

Children usually don't pay the same amount as adults though.

My ex husbands' niece got married and they had to pay for their own meal, cause he paid for our kids so they would go. But it was stated on the invitation that you could join them for dinner at your own expense. Tacky as it was at least they knew before they went. I think if you were expected to pay it would say so.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you got an invitation that said "____ Family" then all of you, including children, are invited. As far as the $70 remark, well...I am not sure I understand that either. Was the woman saying that everyone is paying for their own meal and each meal is $70, so come prepared with $350 to feed your family of 5 at her wedding or was she saying that if your kids come it's going to cost her another $70 per kid?

Either way, it's tacky. I'd think twice about going knowing that either:
1. It's going to cost me $350 + gift to go.
2. The host is going to be watching my kids eat to make sure she gets her money's worth.

I'd probably have "another commitment", send the bride and groom a nice card with a small gift(if you want to make a nice gesture) and call it a day.

 

[princess pooh]

I think it might be better if you spoke to the neighbour directly. It sounds like something is being miscommunicated. If the guests had to pay for their own meals (which is horrible!) it should be written somewhere on the invitation.

 

[Beth76]

It would have to be written on the response card or something, if you were expected to pay. Otherwise, the hosts would be SOL when the reception comes because I doubt everyone would be willing or able to pay. At that point you would be paying the hosts, as the hosts would have already paid the caterer.

 

[Shugardrawers]

When DH and I got married we were poor as church mice. Our wedding was TINY with less than 20 guests total, all family or the best of friends. We let everyone know that after our small cake and punch reception we were going out to dinner and all were welcome to join us BUT we couldn't pay for everyone. Everyone understood and no one was offended and everyone came. There is a mighty big difference between that and telling all your guests that they have to shell out $70 per plate for their meal at the reception. I don't care whether the kids were invited or not, I wouldn't go. Mainly because $70 is just WAY too much for a single meal to me. If you can't afford to have a sit down meal at your reception then you scale it back to what you can afford. You don't tell everyone at the door that by the way they owe you $70 per person! I mean geez, what if you hadn't asked and just gone? How humiliating to show up and not have the $350 they expect from you!

 

[MinnieM21]

If you have a question about it, then ask her. Things can easily get miscommunicated when you have someone ask for you.

 

[IamTink]

OK so I got a wedding invitation from my mom's neighbour. I know that our 3 kids will probably be the only kids at the wedding so I asked my mom to ask the neighbour if it's OK to bring the kids. Her response? "OH of course but they have to pay too" So my mom was like "Huh?" and the neighbour told her that the reception is $70 a plate per person!

So with our family of 5 we are expected to spend $350 plus a wedding gift.
Not to mention the kids will eat 2 bites and call it a night. Our boys are 1, 6, and 8.

I was just wondering if more people do this? I have been to at least 15-20 weddings and have never been expected to pay. Is this more common than I think? I find the whole thing tacky.

Hmmmm....I know the entire ettiquette thing on weddings has been changing w/the times. I know that you might feel that it's expensive to buy a gift & pay $70 a plate for each of your 3 children which makes it $210 dollars instead of the $350. I'm not sure how you got the $350. The children were not invited so it would be much cheaper & simpler to get a baby sitter to watch the children. If they wanted children at the wedding they would have invited them I would think. I'm thinking they didn't because you mentioned that your children would probably be the only children there. Now, I know that your kids will probably only eat a couple of bites from the $70 a plate meal but why should the people paying for the wedding have to pay for a plate when only a couple of bites will be eaten? It isn't fair to them either. Also, I'm only guessing but maybe they told you that as a deterent instead of simply saying that they were not inviting any children to the wedding & would prefer they did not come and leave it at that.

This issue regarding children seems to be coming up much more in the more recent years. I don't know why but it seems to be a recurring theme I hear of. It does make me think that the etiquette books will address this at some point. It used to be that the brides family paid for the entire wedding. The grooms family paid for the party at the rehearsal dinner. It is now coming to a point secondary to the costs of a wedding that both sets of parents are sharing the costs. The children are probably simply too expensive to consider inviting is my guess.

I don't think they were being tacky since the children were not invited. It would have been tacky if they invited the kids & said you'd have to pay $70 a plate for people they were inviting.

 

[pjpoohbear]

I am also from Toronto, I have attended both a portagese and an asian wedding where each quest was expected to place an amount equal to the cost of the dinner in an envelope to be giving into a wishing well for the bride and groom. A gift was also expected. I know that expected seems like the wrong word, but that is the feeling that was spread, by members of the family and wedding party.

PEnny

 

[IamTink]

They have been neighbours 25 years. I lived with my mom for 22 years. I just wanted to let y'all know that the neighbor is a nice person. We get along well and she always buys my kids presents for birthdays and Christmas. So asking about the kids is like asking a good friend so I don't think she's being sarcastic. Like I said the invitation is for ______ Family so I assume it's for all of us or else it would just say Mr and Mrs, right?

If the invitation said for Mr & Mrs _____ & Family, that would be your family. Was the invitations sent to your mother & included her family & adult children only? If it was sent to you why would you even ask about your kids if the invite made it clear that your family is included? If so, why would they be the only kids there? Other families must be invited also which would mean other kids. It sounds as though something simple got very confusing.

 

[cristbaby]

I've never heard of such a thing as charging your guests for dinner at a wedding. My daughter is getting married soon and we are paying $62 a person and $31 for children with chicken nuggets & mac & cheese for the kids. If I ever went to a wedding where they were charging at the door I would just turn around and leave and take my gift with me. How rude!

 

[Freesia]

My daughter is getting married soon and we are paying $62 a person and $31 for children with chicken nuggets & mac & cheese for the kids.

Here, in a nutshell is what is wrong with weddings today. To pay $31 for what is basically a $3 McDonald's Happy meal shows what a scheme the Wedding Industry has going. I have also read that every wedding gown is purposely ordered by the Bridal shop "too large" in order to add costs for altering.When will it end?

I hope mine have a destination wedding or a very small affair.

 

[Beth76]

Here, in a nutshell is what is wrong with weddings today. To pay $31 for what is basically a $3 McDonald's Happy meal shows what a scheme the Wedding Industry has going.

I am in no way defending the wedding industry (I actually think weddings are silly). But, the $31 isn't just for the food. The cost per person is for the whole catering service. You get tables, chairs, linens, plates, utensils, glasses. Also servers, bus boys, food preparers (is that a word?) and bartenders. Most weddings aren't in a restaurant so caterers have to bring all this stuff to the site.

 

[snoopy]

I think she told you that hoping you would not bring your kids. Perhaps she was too embarrassed to say she'd rather not have them. Why she would invite them in the first place is beyond me. I have NEVER heard of someone expected to come with cash to pay for their dinner (LOL!!! of course that is not to say there isn't a first time for everything!!). Either way, I think I would have to pass on attending her wedding. The fact that she mentioned the cost of the plate is just plain rude, and not an appropriate answer to your question whether your kids were invited. She should have said either, yes, they are invited to be guests (non-paying guests!) at her wedding; or no, they weren't.

My SIL was one of those people just completely insane about the plate costs. Thats all we heard, how she paid $90/plate (and that was 12 years ago, so you can get an idea of how foo foo she is), blah blah blah. I can't fathom being so stressed out that it would make me act like she did...she really expected people to "pay" if they were coming to her wedding by giving her a gift equal to their plate value. And if they didn't, she remembered it. She's got a running list of who didn't give her enough at her wedding.

I'm not sure if this person is like this or not, but either way, I'd have to think long and hard before going to a wedding where the cost to be a guest was $350! I'm always generous with wedding gifts, UNTIL someone tells me how much I need to pay, and then I become a lot LESS generous........

 

[Aimeedyan]

It sounds like a big breakdown of communication to me - I can't imagine the bride and groom standing up at their reception and asking people to hand over their Visa cards to pay for their $70 meal, esp since it hasn't been mentioned on anything yet. It just wouldn't be feesible at a reception to expect that, nor would they likely get much money back. Certainly no hotel is going to set up a payment desk at the buffet for a wedding, as those costs are taken care of prior. So I doubt seriously that is what she was meaning...

It may have just been more a comment to get across that each child is going to cost a pretty penny to attend, and for you to think twice before bringing them. Why they chose to invite your family knowing this is beyond me, but that's what it sounds like to me. Course, you're hearing what someone else heard, and we all remember that childhood game "telephone" - even the best of intentions get mixed around when based on hearsay.

I'd pick up the phone and call myself - just call the bride, tell her there's been mixed communication in regards to the wedding, that your family would love to attend and celebrate with them but you need to make sure that your children are welcome as well. Let the bride tell you exactly what she intends, and you can make your decision then.