Guests paying for dinner at the wedding? Update pg7

[disykat]

It may have just been more a comment to get across that each child is going to cost a pretty penny to attend, and for you to think twice before bringing them. Why they chose to invite your family knowing this is beyond me, but that's what it sounds like to me.

ITA. "And family" is inviting the kids - and I think it's totally weird of them to invite them and no want them to come. I think you went above and beyond double checking to see if they were welcome - but I guess you got your answer.

 

[Amberle3]

It sounds like a big breakdown of communication to me - I can't imagine the bride and groom standing up at their reception and asking people to hand over their Visa cards to pay for their $70 meal

"We'd like to thank you so very much for joining us today. Your love and support mean more to us than you could know. Your waiter or waitress will be around to the tables shortly with your bills. Thanks again, and have a lovely evening."

 

[Danvers]

If they really expect you to pay, I would choose not to go or else go to the wedding and skip the reception.

ITA!!!!

 

[phillybeth]

Not to get started on the whole etiquette thing here, but this is why wedding invitations are supossed to list each person invited individually. So in this case if the kids ARE invited, the invitation would read:

Mr and Mrs John Doe
Master John Doe Junior
Misses Jane and Jenny Doe

Mr and Mrs John Doe and Family just leaves the whole thing open to personal interpretation, which is the problem here! I know some people who would bring their pets if the invite read "and Family".

 

[SandraM]

OK so I got a wedding invitation from my mom's neighbour. I know that our 3 kids will probably be the only kids at the wedding so I asked my mom to ask the neighbour if it's OK to bring the kids. Her response? "OH of course but they have to pay too" So my mom was like "Huh?" and the neighbour told her that the reception is $70 a plate per person!

So with our family of 5 we are expected to spend $350 plus a wedding gift.
Not to mention the kids will eat 2 bites and call it a night. Our boys are 1, 6, and 8.

I was just wondering if more people do this? I have been to at least 15-20 weddings and have never been expected to pay. Is this more common than I think? I find the whole thing tacky.

The impression I'm getting is that you were included on your mom's invite?
If that is the case then I would just think it was nice of the bride-to-be to include you. For her to also be including your 8, 6, and 1 year olds sounds incredibly generous. Does she know your kids well? Do your kids adore this lady? Why would she invite them?

Could you be misunderstanding the invitation? And, you know, quite honestly, the average bride-to-be has more things to worry about than her guests' childminding issues. I would say most brides/grooms invite their guests without thinking too much about this area, and to be fair, this shouldn't be something that they should have to concern themselves with. From their point of view, they have sent an invitation. Your job is to say yes or no. If you want to bring extra people and they say "ok, provided you pay", that in my book is not unreasonable.

... I have never left them with a babysitter in their life. We don't have anyone we trust except my mom and she's going to the wedding

For your future happiness, I cannot recommend strongly enough that you get your kids used to being cared for by the occasional minder. Find someone, introduce them to your kids, and then walk away for a couple of hours. Imagine if something comes up, and your children have never been cared for by someone they haven't known all their life? You'll be stressed out totally, and they will probably take longer to adjust than they should. It's difficult, but for them as well as you, it's worth doing!

 

[EsmeraldaX]

That is incredibly tacky.

I would not go, personally. I'd send a card and a gift and apologize, but tell them I simply could not attend. I don't think I'd be the only one...

 

[TigerBear]

I too think there must be some type of misunderstanding. How can someone send an invitation and then expect people to pay at the reception? If that truly was the case, it seems like an admission price should have been listed on the invite. Please let us know how this turns out.

 

[BethR]

The impression I'm getting is that you were included on your mom's invite?

That is what I was thinking too.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I am wondering something...did you get an invitation personally that said ______ Family, or did the invitation go to your mom's and it said _______ Family.

To put this question in perspective, I was born and raised on one street. I don't think we had a family move out of our neighborhoos until I was 20 years old. In my neighborhood, if someone from a family was getting married and wanted to invite the neighbors, my parents would of get the invitation addressed to their house, and it would say The _______ Family. That means my parents and THEIR children(myself and my siblings). The kids that grew up in the neighborhood. I would not expect that it include my parents grandchildren.

So, if the invitation went to your moms address, and it was HER family being invited, then I would say that the Bride does not expect the kids to be there.

 

[Jamesbyr]

I'll go with the communications breakdown theory. Weddings can get expensive, and families often agonize about how many people each "side" can invite. They contract with a catering place for a specific number of people at a certain price per person. Maybe the invitation is slightly ambiguous. But the dollar bottom line is not.
So a family shows up with a need for three more place settings, and the host family (traditionally the bride's parents, often now the couple themselves) are faced with an uncomfortable business transaction with the proprietor.
Well, maybe a family works it out with the host family in advance. It would seem appropriate to me for a cash gift to "cover" the extra seats.

Kids at weddings are a whole separate thread. A lot of kids running around can be a joyful thing. Or living hell.

 

[nativetxn]

I think that I would decline an invitation to a reception that required me to pay for the food. The wedding should be pleasant, though

 

[Forevryoung]

That sounds like a good idea but I have never left them with a babysitter in their life. We don't have anyone we trust except my mom and she's going to the wedding

I don't have children but I have babysat a LOT in my lifetime and I would suggest finding a babysitter that you could learn to trust. Pick a responsible 13 or 14 year old and "breed" them to your needs. That's what a family did with me- I started out going over there after school once a week for two hours with the mother home and then eventually every Saturday night. The parents taught me what they wanted from a babysitter and what the rules of the house were and I grew up with their children. I loved going over there to play and the kids were excited to have me over. They had a third child and everyone was stunned that they let a 16 year old babysit for a 3 month old. They would put the baby to bed and leave. The baby would wake up a few hours later I would change his diaper, feed him and put him back to sleep. If I needed anything I knew that I could call them. In the age of cell phones it's easy to get ahold of parents.

 

[ericamanda01]

Hmmmm....I know the entire ettiquette thing on weddings has been changing w/the times. I know that you might feel that it's expensive to buy a gift & pay $70 a plate for each of your 3 children which makes it $210 dollars instead of the $350. I'm not sure how you got the $350.
QUOTE]
I think she was talking about the total for the 3 children, herself and DH.

Either way, I think that it would have been in better taste for the neighbor to have simply said that it was just for adults rather then suggest you paying for their dinner. However there might have been a miscommunication and she wasn't suggesting that at all. I would say to go to the wedding and hire a sitter to just give you and DH a night out.

 

[LadyBears]

Hmmmm....I know the entire ettiquette thing on weddings has been changing w/the times. I know that you might feel that it's expensive to buy a gift & pay $70 a plate for each of your 3 children which makes it $210 dollars instead of the $350. I'm not sure how you got the $350.

I believe the OP meant her family of 5 @ $70.00 each = $350.00

My understanding is that the OP's mother received the invite - which includes the Mother & her child(ren) (OP & spouse). The grandchildren NOT being invited. By asking if the children can come, I think the host of the wedding is meaning that the adults don't have to pay - they are covered as invited guests. If the OP wants to bring her children, they are welcome, BUT - the OP would have to pay $70.00 for each child because they were uninvited guests. I hope I worded that in a way that makes sense. LOL.


As to

I am in no way defending the wedding industry (I actually think weddings are silly). But, the $31 isn't just for the food. The cost per person is for the whole catering service. You get tables, chairs, linens, plates, utensils, glasses. Also servers, bus boys, food preparers (is that a word?) and bartenders. Most weddings aren't in a restaurant so caterers have to bring all this stuff to the site.

In my area, it is very RARE to have a wedding catered. Most ARE at restaurants or places that set up just for large functions. Nothing is needed to be brought in except the wedding cake.

I am also from Toronto, I have attended both a portagese and an asian wedding where each quest was expected to place an amount equal to the cost of the dinner in an envelope to be giving into a wishing well for the bride and groom. A gift was also expected. I know that expected seems like the wrong word, but that is the feeling that was spread, by members of the family and wedding party.

PEnny

I don't know about asian weddings, but I live in a very heavy populated area of Portuguese people. Here - these people would NEVER think to ask any one to pay for the dinner!!! If they couldn't afford a reception, they would rent a hall & the family(s) would cook themselves & make sure everyone went home with a couple of plates of leftovers!! LOL!

 

[HagalasAett]

wow, that's strange indeed...I have never nor will I ever attend a wedding where I have to pay to attend...

 

[mulanrouge]

I am a wedding planner, and have never heard of anything so ridiculous as having to pay for your own dinner at a Wedding!! Now, cash bar is one thing, but to pay for your own dinner??!! Those people need some ettiquette classes. Also, if you are expected to pay for your own dinner did that have that written in the invitations somewhere? What a shock to arrive at a wedding and then realize you need to pay for your dinner!! I can't see how that would work? Anyway, that is awful!!

 

[poohandwendy]

I think there is some sort of miscommuication going on here...but I just have to say one thing, it's WAY tacky to even mention the 'plate' costs to wedding guests. JMHO

 

[MariettaC]

If I got a wedding invitation and my children where not listed, I would not asked if they where invited! I would have known by the invitation that this was for adults only! I would have gotten a sitter for my children and attended the wedding and reception. Maybe by asking if your children where invited she felt put on the spot!

I think you're right on target.

 

[KEH]

I'm afraid I can't add anything to what has already been said but please can someone tell me what ITA means. It's driving me nuts!

 

[Gaspode]

I'm afraid I can't add anything to what has already been said but please can someone tell me what ITA means. It's driving me nuts!

I Totally Agree!

I've read this thread with interest as just got engaged a week ago. DF and I will be paying for the wedding ourselves as much as possible (and it'll be hard!) but we wouldn't *dream* of 'charging ppl to attend'! I do hope this is a miscommunication - it certainly sounds like it!

Cya,
Gaspodé