Guests paying for dinner at the wedding? Update pg7

[KEH]

Gaspode, thank you so much.

 

[believe]

It amazes me that individuals assume that everyone knows wedding etiquette. When I did my wedding invitations, I did not realize I needed to put and family for individuals to know their kids were invited. It just happened that I made everything out The ____ family, so I guess I was safe. I my family it is a known fact that children are always invited. I didn't realized there were weddings without children till I married my DH and his Mom asked me what the invite said. I would still reply back that my kids would be coming and to call if this was kids only. On 3 invites I did this, only one called to say it was adults only. The other 2 my kids were invited (it was not adults only), but the individuals didn't realized we had kids since their parents had given our names to them.

 

[birdiesunshine]

OK so I got a wedding invitation from my mom's neighbour. I know that our 3 kids will probably be the only kids at the wedding so I asked my mom to ask the neighbour if it's OK to bring the kids. Her response? "OH of course but they have to pay too" So my mom was like "Huh?" and the neighbour told her that the reception is $70 a plate per person!

So with our family of 5 we are expected to spend $350 plus a wedding gift.
Not to mention the kids will eat 2 bites and call it a night. Our boys are 1, 6, and 8.

I was just wondering if more people do this? I have been to at least 15-20 weddings and have never been expected to pay. Is this more common than I think? I find the whole thing tacky.

I'm confused, your op says that the kids will have to pay "too" are you paying for your dinner? If not, maybe the bride meant if you bring the kids that they were not anticipating than they will have to pay an additional $210 for the wedding that they were not expecting to do. I would call the neighbor yourself and ask what the deal is.

 

[Freesia]

The impression I'm getting is that you were included on your mom's invite?


And, you know, quite honestly, the average bride-to-be has more things to worry about than her guests' childminding issues. .



For your future happiness, I cannot recommend strongly enough that you get your kids used to being cared for by the occasional minder. Find someone, introduce them to your kids, and then walk away for a couple of hours. Imagine if something comes up, and your children have never been cared for by someone they haven't known all their life? You'll be stressed out totally, and they will probably take longer to adjust than they should. It's difficult, but for them as well as you, it's worth doing!

Bravo, Sandra. Very well said.

 

[Planogirl]

If it were me, I would go to the wedding with my Mom and leave the kids with Dad. But that's just my own preference. Good luck sorting it out.

 

[Lisa F]

I also think it's a BIG clue that you say your children are the only kids invited to the wedding. Either you have a wedding where kids are welcome or you don't. There's really nothing in between, unless you allow the children of a couple of people VERY close to you to be a ring bearer/flower girl. If you're not that close with this person AND your kids are going to be the only ones there I find it really hard to believe that the intention was to invite your children and I agree with Sandra that the intention was probably to invite your mother's children.

That said I can see how the conversation might have gone. Your mom calls the neighbor and says "Hi, we got the invites, they are lovely. Did you intend to invite my grandchildren?" and the neighbor says "Sure, you can bring them, if you pay $70 a plate for them!" That's something I can imagine saying to someone who is a very good friend of mine, because I tend to have a sarcastic streak. I wouldn't have said it to a stranger of my husband to be's side of th family etc. because I would be worried about how they might react, but anyone who knows me would laugh it off and get the point... Or maybe not.

 

[dennis99ss]

I can't believe they would give you a bill.

Re
: all the talk about kids, just show up with them. They know you have kids, they invite you to the wedding. IMO, if you invite me, you invite my kids. If you don't like it, don't invite me, or send my response card back saying we don't want you here.

Everytime I read a thread about no kids at weddings, and how rude it is to bring kids, I find it very odd that nobody thinks it is odd to be rude to the invitees. I want you to attend, but I don't trust your kids and how you keep control of them. But, yes, please come and give me a gift anyway.

 

[luvwinnie]

NO WAY! How tacky.

 

[snoopy]

I can't believe they would give you a bill.

Re
: all the talk about kids, just show up with them. They know you have kids, they invite you to the wedding. IMO, if you invite me, you invite my kids. If you don't like it, don't invite me, or send my response card back saying we don't want you here.

Everytime I read a thread about no kids at weddings, and how rude it is to bring kids, I find it very odd that nobody thinks it is odd to be rude to the invitees. I want you to attend, but I don't trust your kids and how you keep control of them. But, yes, please come and give me a gift anyway.

Uhhhh, I definately disagree with you. I think its up to the bride and groom to decide whether they want children at their wedding, and if they decide they don't, there is nothing wrong with extending the invite to only adults. You certainly have the right to decline such an invitation based on the idea that you have that one should feel obligated to invite your children everywhere they invite you, but don't expect people to not be upset if you just "show up" with your kids when they have not been specifically invited.

It looks as though in this case, whether the children were invited or not was ambigious at best, and in light of that, I think the bride was rude to have responded to a simple question with such a tacky answer ("yes, but you'll have to pay $$ for their plates"). A yes or no answer would have been sufficient.

 

[Laura]

Re
: all the talk about kids, just show up with them. They know you have kids, they invite you to the wedding. IMO, if you invite me, you invite my kids. If you don't like it, don't invite me, or send my response card back saying we don't want you here.

Everytime I read a thread about no kids at weddings, and how rude it is to bring kids, I find it very odd that nobody thinks it is odd to be rude to the invitees. I want you to attend, but I don't trust your kids and how you keep control of them. But, yes, please come and give me a gift anyway.

For the record, I invited children to my wedding. It was in the afternoon, it was a short ceremony, and the reception wasn't terribly formal. The only child who did show with his parents had a pretty good time on the dance floor and he caused no problems at all. But some receptions are formal parties where children would be bored to tears and make their parents miserable, no matter how well they are disciplined.

Yes, some brides and grooms certainly won't invite children for rude and stupid reasons. But not inviting children to a wedding isn't necessarily done out of rudeness, but for the enjoyment of all of the guests, including the parents and children.

 

[ead79]

Uhhhh, I definately disagree with you. I think its up to the bride and groom to decide whether they want children at their wedding, and if they decide they don't, there is nothing wrong with extending the invite to only adults. You certainly have the right to decline such an invitation based on the idea that you have that one should feel obligated to invite your children everywhere they invite you, but don't expect people to not be upset if you just "show up" with your kids when they have not been specifically invited.

It looks as though in this case, whether the children were invited or not was ambigious at best, and in light of that, I think the bride was rude to have responded to a simple question with such a tacky answer ("yes, but you'll have to pay $$ for their plates"). A yes or no answer would have been sufficient.

Clapping and cheering for snoopy!

It is NOT rude (according to all etiquette books, etc.) to exclude children from weddings. I have to admit, posts like this really bother me. It is up to the bride and groom who they choose to invite and who they don’t. They are not violating any rules of etiquette by not having children at their wedding (as long as they don't allow certain children but not others). On the other hand, it is extremely rude to show up with children (or other adults for that matter) who are not invited to the event. Just because you have children, does not mean your children should be included in an adults only event. My wedding was a black tie optional, very formal evening wedding with tails. We did not have children (for a variety of reasons, one of the main ones being that the reception would not even begin until 9:30 pm and would last until 1:30 am). We invited only adults, and we explained it to anyone that had a question about it very kindly. The breech of etiquette would be showing up with anyone who is not invited, not excluding kids from an event designed for adults.

 

[Parkhopper]

OK so I got a wedding invitation from my mom's neighbour. I know that our 3 kids will probably be the only kids at the wedding so I asked my mom to ask the neighbour if it's OK to bring the kids. Her response? "OH of course but they have to pay too" So my mom was like "Huh?" and the neighbour told her that the reception is $70 a plate per person!

So with our family of 5 we are expected to spend $350 plus a wedding gift.
Not to mention the kids will eat 2 bites and call it a night. Our boys are 1, 6, and 8.

I was just wondering if more people do this? I have been to at least 15-20 weddings and have never been expected to pay. Is this more common than I think? I find the whole thing tacky.

Okay, I am going to get flamed for this, but... If you know that your kids are going to, in your own words, eat 2 bites and call it a night, why would you expect the BRIDE and GROOM to pay $70 a plate for them? That is the rude part in my book. Okay, flame away!

Suzi

 

[Lisa F]

I want you to attend, but I don't trust your kids and how you keep control of them. But, yes, please come and give me a gift anyway.

Heck yeah! I can think of a LOT of people I know who I LOVE spending time with but I wouldn't want their small children at a fancy expensive party. Even the best behaved kids can have bad nights, and the chances of that grows when the kids are in a strange place with strange people (like a wedding reception), up past their bedtime (likely for an evening reception), and expected to behave for a long period of time without an outlet for their energy at an event that is not going to be the least bit interesting for them. BTW, when I invited people to my wedding it wasn't for the gift, it was because I wanted that person there to share my special day. If your feeling is that you are only being invited for the gift then that's a whole different issue.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends' kids and if I were having a BBQ in my backyard where they can run and play and be kids in the middle of the afternoon, they are more than welcome to bring them along. My wedding reception was a grownup affair with expensive food and alcohol and had the kind of atmosphere that DH and I wanted, which was not at all like a playground. All of my friends who came really really enjoyed their "adult day out" while their kids stayed home with the grandparents.

 

[Laura]

The breech of etiquette would be showing up with anyone who is not invited, not excluding kids from an event designed for adults.

That's very true.

I did forget to mention, though, that the OP isn't necessarily facing that situation. Apparently her invite might have been vague--I got an invitation to a wedding last fall that was just addressed to my father "and family". He had to call and make sure that I was invited. I don't think that was rude of my father to ask. Frankly, I thought it was rather rude of the bride not to even send an invitation to me and my DH specifically. I managed to send her one for my wedding. When I sent out invites, I wrote parents' and children's names on the inner envelope and addressed the outer one to __________ Family.

What's rude in this situation is the bringing up of the $70 per plate. I certainly hope it's just a miscommunication about who's paying for it. If the guests are supposed to pay, I wouldn't go. But the amount shouldn't have been mentioned at ALL.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Formal evening weddings are the wrong place for kids. You do have to remember that the family paying for the wedding is really stressing the costs. If they have invited 50 couples and they let them bring kids it could ad another 50 guests at $70. apiece. If it is in a hall and the family is preparing food, or ordering in catering that isn't per person then that might be a different story. I wouldn't bring my kids unless I knew the family was happy to have them and I offered to pay for them. It's something to think about even when children are listed on the invite.
And I really think it's a mixup. I think they were just telling you that they would be paying for the kids too.

 

[Beth76]

: all the talk about kids, just show up with them. They know you have kids, they invite you to the wedding. IMO, if you invite me, you invite my kids. If you don't like it, don't invite me, or send my response card back saying we don't want you here.

No. It is rude to bring people who are not invited. An invitation to Mr & Mrs Smith does not include children. An invitation to Mr & Mrs Smith and Family includes children. When your child receives an invitation to a classmates birthday party--at say Chuck E. Cheese--does your entire family go and expect to be served food on the host's tab? I know I've had this argument with you before.

Back to the OP...if the invitation was addresses to your mother "and family" that should not include you. "And family" refers to children living at home (I'm asssumming you don't live at home). And I believe adult children living at home are to receive their own invitation. If the invitation was sent to your house and addressed to "Mr & Mrs You and Family", then yes that does include children.

Someone mentioned we can't expect everyone to know the proper etiquette. True, but then they have to suffer the "consequences" if they get it wrong. If the bride addressed to "and family", she invited the children. If that was not her intent, she was incorrect and at fault.

I think the suggestion of OP attending wedding with her mom and leaving kids at home with dad is a good one.

 

[Forevryoung]

For the record I am not planning a wedding and I am not married but here is my $.02:

My cousins are much older than I am and I have a bunch of little kids (3, 2, 1 and 8 years currently) in the family. I would invite them because they are family and leave it up to the parents to bring them. The parents know if their children would behave or if the parents would have a better time with their children home. Only parents know best. I do not want a kicking screaming child on the dance floor though

 

[RitaZ.]

So, what's the verdict? Are the guests really expected to pay or was it a misunderstanding?

 

[Caradana]

I really think the detective work of a few posters got to the bottom of this one.
- invite went to grandma, "the ____ family", which meant grandma and the OP and her husband - not the grandkids.
- I would never, ever bring a 1-year-old to a wedding, much less a black-tie night wedding. Three reasons: (1) he's 1. He's going to cry and be a distraction at some point, and I don't want to be hurdling pews to get out of the church before that becomes a major nightmare; (2) he will take attention away from the bride and groom, where it belongs; (3) this is a great opportunity to have a romantic night w/your husband. You need to do that every now and then. Get a babysitter. Maybe his mother can do it?
- I don't think they expect people to pay. It would've been mentioned on the invite. I mean, are they going to accept credit cards? People won't arrive with that kind of cash stuffed into jeweled purses. No way. I think they meant that they'd have to pay $70/plate for your kids.
- $70/plate - if I ever find a venue in NY or NJ willing to do a wedding for $70/plate, I'll scramble to find a groom and get married right then. It'd be tough to have an upscale wedding around here much under $90/plate USD. Criminally high? Maybe. But this is life in these United States, as Readers' Digest puts it.

 

[JVL1018]

I can't believe they would give you a bill.

Re
: all the talk about kids, just show up with them. They know you have kids, they invite you to the wedding. IMO, if you invite me, you invite my kids. If you don't like it, don't invite me, or send my response card back saying we don't want you here.

Everytime I read a thread about no kids at weddings, and how rude it is to bring kids, I find it very odd that nobody thinks it is odd to be rude to the invitees. I want you to attend, but I don't trust your kids and how you keep control of them. But, yes, please come and give me a gift anyway.

Are you serious? You think it is rude to only invite adults to a wedding?
What about a business dinner? What about an office party? What about a 30th birthday party for a friend and an upscale restaurant with dimner at 9 pm?
It has nothing to do with a child's behavior, IMO.
It has everything to do with the fact that some occasions are adult only.
I have never understood parents who believe that their children are entitled to come everywhere with them.
If your children are not invited and you can't bring yourself to leave them for 3 hours, then simply return the response card with your regrets.
People have every right not to have kids at a wedding, and the invitees have every right to refuse that invitation. Neither way is rude.

If anyone ever called me and asked me if it was okay to bring their kids, I would say fine, because I wouldn't know how to say know, but I would be very angry.
If it says to The ______ Family, my kids are invited.
If It says Mr & Mrs James______, the kids are not invited.
How much simpler can it be?