Guests paying for dinner at the wedding? Update pg7

[OceanAnnie]

Guests paying for dinner at the wedding? Totally out there. Way out.

Wow. I'd like to know how this one is going to be pulled off! Outrageous!

You get some people in a situation like that, with expectations that don't match, and a surprise bill presented --- Whoo boy. I hope people won't be drinking, cause then you've added the final element to a rip roaring (potential) mutiny.

Not the way to kick off a new life together. I'd guess 75-80% of the guests would be hushed about it but resentful. Watch out for the rest! Heck, I'd be tempted to go for the entertainment value! (jk) Honestly, the look on people's faces and reactions will be priceless.

 

[LadyBears]

Here's my two cents on the topics this thread is covered:

1) If the invite says "Family" the kids are invited. If not, then no. There is NEVER any harm in calling to clarify if you just aren't sure. As a bride, I hope that my guests call if they have ANY questions! Calling to clarify is NOT trying to get your kids invited.

2) I personaly feel that a couple deciding to have a cash bar isn't tacky, as long as non-alcoholic drinks are free, and "cash bar" is indicated on the invite or other official wedding correspondance. As long as the guests know ahead of time, I don't see the big deal. But I understand and respect if other's disagree with me on this point. For the record, my own wedding is an open bar.

3) I don't think the OP is lieing or that there has been a misunderstanding. I can easily believe there are people out there that are that clueless and/or tactless.

4) Back to the children issue. If the couple don't want kids at the party, that's fine. If the couple does want kids at the party, that's fine. If it's no kids then the couple shouldn't include "and family" on the invite and magicly hope that the parents don't bring the kids.

On a side note, I've been to several weddings with children and never noticed any making a scene or crying/yelling/being destructive. On the other hand I've seen plenty of drunk adults crying/yelling/being destructive. I've always been puzzled by those that don't want to have children attend for that reason. Money, I can understand, but not behavior. Oh well, to each their own!

1) I agree, if I sent an invitation to "x family" that means I want the kids there. I would rather a guest call to CLARIFY that the kids are invited. To me, that is much better manners than adding on someone that was not mentioned on the invite. I don't recall the OP stating she received an invitation to "Mr & Mrs. X" but she was going to bring the kids anyway.

2) Maybe it is just here in SO New England, but MOST weddings do have cash bars. Basically - Bar=alcohol = you pay your own, tables = soda, water, & coffee = free to be replenished as needed by the waitstaff.

3) Apparantly, there must be some really clueless people in this world, otherwise this thread wouldn't be up to 13 pages already!!

4) I don't see a problem with NOT inviting kids. I have been to a couple of weddings (before I had my DD) that I am glad I didn't have a kid. Some adults get soo out of hand (it's a party!!) that the reception was cut short by the police. One wedding, the groom & the best man were taken out in handcuffs. The bride refused to go to the ER. Granted, the only reason the cops came is because the grooms exgirlfriend wasn't over him yet & crashed the wedding with a bunch of her male friends. But a drunk bride doesn't handle the ex crashing her day very well...............
The other wedding was also cut short by the cops - the guests got to drunk & out of hand......
It was hard to explain to my then 4 year old niece why the cops were taking away family members in handcuffs. We tried shielding her from as much as possible, but with the commotion, you know that she saw stuff.

I have also been to several weddings with my DD - the bride & groom both had laarrggee families with llooootts of kids - it was very family oriented. Was alcohol served? Yes. Was it abused, no. Those who drank did so responsibly.

The bride & groom make the kid/no kid decision for their own reasons. If you don't like their decision, don't go to their wedding. I would only be offended if I followed their request & left my DD home but get there & find that every other parent was "allowed" to bring their child.

 

[LadyBears]

Oh yah - I should have also said, that when I go to weddings, I bring a small clutch with Maybe $30.00 - enough for a few drinks & the dollar dance - cash. I have never heard of anyone charging for the meals (without prior notification with the invitation.) or sending a menu a few weeks before hand.

My experience is that is is hard enough to get your basic RSVP's, never mind a menu choice that was sent separately, in time for the final head counts for the guest list!

I would love to be a fly on the wall at this wedding.

 

[DisneyDotty]

Oh yah - I should have also said, that when I go to weddings, I bring a small clutch with Maybe $30.00 - enough for a few drinks & the dollar dance - cash.

While we're on the topic, does anyone else have a problem with the dollar dance? How much money can the bride and groom make off their guests, anyway? Do they have to claim their receipts on their taxes?

 

[marybet]

While we're on the topic, does anyone else have a problem with the dollar dance? How much money can the bride and groom make off their guests, anyway? Do they have to claim their receipts on their taxes?

I think the dollar dance was a Polish tradition that everyone else picked up on. Now everyone does it, and yes I am very tired of it. A traditon is one thing, but most are just trying to get more money. I think weddings have gotten way to expensive. For the people throwing them and for the people attending.

 

[ksjayhawks]

QUOTE: If I went to this wedding, I would be so embarrassed at not having enough $ to pay for supper...

Dh and I rarely have cash and very little when we go to weddings/parties/etc. Usually enough for valet parking tip if needed. So they would be out of luck with us paying for our meal. If we received a menu in the mail with the prices, we would be busy and have to send our regrets, along with a nice congratulatory card.

I remember one of the first weddings we went to that had a cash bar. We had no idea. Most of the weddings we had been to were cake/punch/sandwich in the church; catered with no alcohol; or beer and wine provided at no charge (no other alcoholic drinks). There were no signs on tables about the bar/cost of drinks. The waiter came around offering soda, beer or wine. DH got beer, I asked for wine. Waiter came back with our drinks, gave them to us and others at the table. I took a sip of my wine just as he said that will be $x for the wine, the beer is free. Well, I had no cash neither did DH, so told him "sorry, you didn't say there was a charge for the wine, so you'll have to take it back" and I offered it to him. There were two others at the table who did the same as I did with their wine. We also told him that if he was going around offering drinks, he needed to state that beer and soda were paid for, other drinks were not. So there he was, with three "used" glasses of wine being held out to him. You should have seen the look on his face. He didn't know what to do--I felt sorry for him, but he didn't tell us ahead of time that there was a cost for one of the three drinks that he offered us. His supervisor came up and asked what was the problem. We told him and the supervisor told us to keep the wine. Then he asked the waiter to follow him and they went in back. I'm sure the poor guy got a good talking to--we all wondered if those 3 glasses of wine came out of his check for the evening. However, the rest of the night all the waiters only offered beer or soda or coffee. If anyone asked for something else, they were told there was a charge.

At our dd's wedding, we provided the keg of beer and wine. Dsil's parents paid for an open bar up til 1 hour before reception was done. Several of dd's friends had receptions where the families made the food and beer, wine, soda, wine coolers were provided and other weddings where there was open bar. I just feel personally that if you are having a party--a wedding is a party to celebrate the marriage of two special people--you provide the food and beverages. You can decide what the beverages will be and most people will adapt and get along fine with what you have.

I would never go to a wedding/party where I was expected to foot the bill for my meal. I would feel like they really didn't care enough about me to have me there unless I could pay my own way.

 

[barrett7890]

With regards to the cash bar thing

It's common over here to have a pre dinner drink, wine with dinner and champagne to toast included in the wedding package that the Bride and Groom pay for......and then all other drinks are bought from a cash bar

cami
a

 

[HookedOnDiz]

I don't understand this mentality. The bride and groom chose to have some fancy reception. I was invited as a guest to celebrate their joy in neing newly married. WHY do I have to give them a present equivalent to what they spent per plate? I think that's tacky.

You don't have to understand it - you are free to give what YOU think is appropriate. But I don't feel comfortable giving anything less than what it cost per plate.

 

[HookedOnDiz]

How do you know how much they spent per plate though?

Most places around here (NJ) run between $65 and $100 per plate. So we usually end up giving around $200.

 

[Puffy2]

Yes. I talked to the mother of the bride and the situation is that guests are expected to pay $70 a person. Why they didn't state that on the invitation is beyond me. So our family of five would have to pay $350 + gift. There WILL be other families with kids at the wedding but unfortanatly I told ther that we have another engagement and we just can't attend

The absolute nerve of some people. And it wasn't on the invitation? That will cause problems....

In any case, weddings are usually a pain to attend - this would be a good excuse not to bother.

 

[Puffy2]

Oh, this is just great, so that means in 5,10, 15 years time, when my nieces and nephews are getting married, it will be common for the guests to pay for their meal. Just another page on ettiquite ripped out of the book.

If it becomes 'common place' then I'll never have to attend one of these boring events again! Yea!

 

[Puffy2]

You don't have to understand it - you are free to give what YOU think is appropriate. But I don't feel comfortable giving anything less than what it cost per plate.

For me, appropriate is a wedding gift...as in some sort of houseware item, wrapped in paper with a bow.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Well, when we had oldest DS's wedding reception back in 2001, you had to have the whole thing paid for several weeks before the event. I can't imagine it being any different now. The caterer doesn't want to get stuck.
If the family "hosting" this event is going to try to recoup some of the costs of this reception by charging guest to attend, without prior notification, there are going to be alot of small claims filed when people don't pay! I would like to see the judges face when these people start filing into court!

TC

 

[Freesia]

If the family "hosting" this event is going to try to recoup some of the costs of this reception by charging guest to attend, without prior notification, there are going to be alot of small claims filed when people don't pay!

I think this is exactly what is going on.

 

[OceanAnnie]

---I would love to be a fly on the wall at this wedding.

 

[Tinkerbelle739]

All I have to add is...Can you imagine walking into a reception and someone asking you for $140 to cover the meal?!?!?!

I am not even sure WHAT my reaction would be.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

1) I don't recall the OP stating she received an invitation to "Mr & Mrs. X" but she was going to bring the kids anyway.



3) Apparantly, there must be some really clueless people in this world, otherwise this thread wouldn't be up to 13 pages already!!

4) I don't see a problem with NOT inviting kids. I have been to a couple of weddings (before I had my DD) that I am glad I didn't have a kid.

The OP had been given a family invitation, but what wasn't made clear by the bride/groom was what exactly they meant by family. Did they mean the OP's mother, the OP and the OP's DH? Or all of the above plus the children? That's why the call was made, to clarify whether the children were invited. I don't think the OP did ANYTHING wrong and no matter what it sounds like the invitations were not clear. When inviting adult guests, even those living in the same household, it is common to send individual invites to each"family unit". In this case the mother would have gotten one and then the OP and her DH would have gotten one. If the OP's had of then said "and family" it would have been more clear about the children. And since everone doesn't know all these "Miss Manners rules" it's better to call and clarify than to just assume. Disclaimer--I am NO Miss Manners.

I think that there are some amazed people in the world that cannon believe the nerve of some people. Hopefully this is not a new trend, which I certainly do not think it is.

I agree that it's fine to not invite kids and especially to a nighttime affair I think a better time could be had by all by not having them there. Even if they are inviting a back-up sitter might be a good idea so half way though the evening they can be brought home or to their room and the adults can return and have a good time.

As to the cash bar, we had our wedding reception at my non-drinking parent's house, so it was a non-issue. The good news is that it saved up $. We would liked to have had wine and beer, but were so poor that it worked out fine (why we were getting married when we were so poor is another issue and no, I was not pregnant ). If a person is going to have a cash bar I like including beer and wine and of course soft drinks and then charging for anything else.

T&B

 

[Missy1961]

I have a feeling that the kids weren't invited, the neighbor was a bit miffed, and she said that they would have to pay. Then she didn't want to seem like she was lying, so she said it again.

And I've been to lots of weddings, and I've never even experienced a cash bar! Even the valet parking has been paid for by the hosts.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I have a feeling that the kids weren't invited, the neighbor was a bit miffed, and she said that they would have to pay. Then she didn't want to seem like she was lying, so she said it again.

I also bet that it wasn't the intention to invite the kids and "family" meant the OP and her DH, but as far as charging to $70, that will be an easy thing for the OP to figure out since her mother will still be going to the wedding.

 

[Freesia]

And I've been to lots of weddings, and I've never even experienced a cash bar! Even the valet parking has been paid for by the hosts.

As some previous posters have pointed out, by having a cash bar, the hosts are not responsible for overdrinking guests who might have an auto accident following the reception.