Grandparent rights in a family adoption

[NewRVLady]

They were deemed not fit to raise her. I honestly have no idea why. I have no idea where my cousin is or what she is doing. No one in my family has contact with her. Sorry my original post was vague. I had typed out a different post and it got deleted before I could post it.

Oh wow-I misread this-I thought you were talking about the bio parents

If the GRANDPARENTS were deemed not FIT TO RAISE her-there is no way in Heck she would have unsupervised visits with them
These people are your parents brother/sister-right? THEY don't have a clue????

Get legal advice-stop those visits!!!!

Minnie-I want to add-you are wonderful to adopt this child-I know 2 couples who have done this with a relative-one was an almost empty nester when it happened-god bless you all

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh wow-I misread this-I thought you were talking about the bio parents

If the GRANDPARENTS were deemed not FIT TO RAISE her-there is no way in Heck she would have unsupervised visits with them
These people are your parents brother/sister-right? THEY don't have a clue????

Get legal advice-stop those visits!!!!

I missed that as well.

I would also stop unsupervised visits. I would continue to invite them to family functions though.

 

[Turn the Page]

I feel for you OP. I have a similar situation with my DD8 and her paternal grandparents.

DD8's biological father died about 4 1/2 years ago. DD8 and I have since moved about 700 miles away back to my hometown and my family. The relationship I have with the ex inlaws is strained to say the least. There was a lot that went on before my ex died that is irrelevant here but it left a very strained relationship.

A few days after he died my ex in laws told me that DD8 is "all we have left of him now." Since we moved back to my hometown they manage to make it up twice a year to visit DD8 and for only about 36 hours each time. Their daughter lives about 3 hours away from where I do and they visit her multiple times a year but can't be bothered to drive the extra 3 hours to see DD8. They usually talk to DD8 once a week but refuse to call me to talk to her. They will only call my mothers house and talk to DD8 there (DD8 is with my parents far more than once a month but that is what works for us).

These people are both retired and have plenty of money to come up and visit whenever they want and we have told them over and over again that they are more than welcome to come up any time to spend time with DD8 but they refuse to come more than their standard two visits a year for 36 hours each. They do, however, try to demand I allow them to take DD8 back to their house 700 miles away for 2 weeks. Ummmmm......no. Just no.

They keep reiterating that she is all they have left of their son and I need to respect that. Unfortunately for them DD8's purpose in life is not to be a replacement for their son, she is her own person, and it is not to make them feel better about the fact that their son drugged himself into an early grave. They can see her. Here. They cannot take her away from home for 2 weeks while filling her head with god knows what.

I agree with others that the demand for alone time while refusing invitations to see DD in a group setting is concerning. I wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Sorry if I repeat anything. I didn't read every response.
I have a couple of opinions here. One, if they were deemed unfit I would need to know why. If it was an age, income or not having proper housing... I would be ok with visitation. If there were serious problems the child would never be to their home.
However, my children are old enough to have children. If I had grandchildren, one day a month would never be enough time. It would not be enough to form a bond. Relationships with grandparents are important to children. They are different then parental relationships. If there was nothing wrong in the home I would have a talk with them. Where is their daughter? Would they be bringing the child around her? Why are they not going to family functions. Work with them to find a solution to this. You need to see them with your child and interacting with people to decide how you feel about the situation. Tell them you are willing to increase time spent with the child but they will have to compromise. Some of this time needs to be in your home or at places where you or other family members you trust are present. Tell them you would be more comfortable if some of that time was spent in outings like a park or getting ice cream...
I would try hard to work this out peacefully. Do you trust your parents? Can they offer any insight? Since they are one of their siblings perhaps some of the visiting can take place at your parents' home.
I would get something in writing that if they are bringing the child around her birth mother without your permission all visitation will cease.

 

[alex9179]

Permanency is the #1 concern when a child is placed. The fact that they weren't chosen could be attributed to a reluctance to adopt (which is preferred by the state) over guardianship or reunification. The state would have chosen someone willing to provide that, if there was that option. We don't know the circumstances

Hasty decisions to cut off contact will only hurt the child.

In our case, the two grandmothers were considered but the kids came to our house. The reasons varied, but they didn't include a concern that the child would be harmed in any way.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Permanency is the #1 concern when a child is placed. The fact that they weren't chosen could be attributed to a reluctance to adopt (which is preferred by the state) over guardianship or reunification. The state would have chosen someone willing to provide that, if there was that option. We don't know the circumstances

Hasty decisions to cut off contact will only hurt the child.

In our case, the two grandmothers were considered but the kids came to our house. The reasons varied, but they didn't include a concern that the child would be harmed in any way.

Agree.

However hard to say what is the 'right' thing without all the details.

I would not cut off contact but their decisions to avoid family functions in which they would be in contact with the grandkids is odd.

Something just does not add up here.

 

[alex9179]

Agree.

However hard to say what is the 'right' thing without all the details.

I would not cut off contact but their decisions to avoid family functions in which they would be in contact with the grandkids is odd.

Something just does not add up here.

Exactly.

The parents are the only ones in the position to access information and make the decisions. It could be that they feel "judged" by the other family members and uncomfortable at gatherings. Or, their daughter is in contact with them.

Like I stated earlier, I would advise caution and get the low down.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Exactly.

The parents are the only ones in the position to access information and make the decisions. It could be that they feel "judged" by the other family members and uncomfortable at gatherings. Or, their daughter is in contact with them.

Like I stated earlier, I would advise caution and get the low down.

I grew up in a home with a father who was a gambler and other branches with different problems. There are all sorts of reasons go avoid family gatherings. I would work on solving them because getting them to some bigger functions is part of the solution.

 

[ChitownFamily]

I didn't see this indicated anywhere. How long has your child been with you? How long has the "once a month" been going on?
I have a feeling the answer is going to indicate this is a newer situation & boundaries are still being worked out. Might also explain your gut feeling too.

Our child is adopted. We have a great relationship with her foster parents. If they asked to see her privately that would make me uncomfortable but in kinship adoption things are all shades of grey. Did you work with an agency, do you have a social worke you can use as a sounding board?
My sister, myself & my child are all adopted. I can definitely say adoption, like parenting, can present its own complex challenges.

 

[Tiggeroo]

also, was the child being partly raised by the grandparents prior to adoption? Were the grandparents part of the cause behind their daughter's issues?

 

[North of Mouse]

Hey! Once a month would no where be near enough for me! BUT you bet your bippy if I had invites for Birthdays, Baptisms, dinner - you name it I'd be there with bells on!
She's given them plenty of opportunities! No one is punishing anyone here.
I say trust your gut OP!

Are 'you' a grandparent?? You have no idea why 'being' at some of these occasions (or all) is not possible - I will not go into them here, but it has 'nothing' to do with feelings usually.

Something is not right here, if the "grandparents" just wanted to see the child they would take any oppourtunity to do so

The "grandparents" are not her grandparents anymore.

Are 'you' a grandparent? Doubt it, or you would not be posting such stuff so hastily!!!

This. Soooo well said.

OP - I am usually shaking my head with the majority of threads posted on the DIS that complain about grandparents doing too much or not enough. Based on what you have posted I'd be very, very suspicious of their motives and intent!

Wow!! Again, as above!

They were deemed not fit to raise her. I honestly have no idea why. I have no idea where my cousin is or what she is doing. No one in my family has contact with her. Sorry my original post was vague. I had typed out a different post and it got deleted before I could post it.

I just 'love' when the OP keeps 'adding' things 'after' you post that 'was not' in the first posting!!! If you want comments, why not put 'pertinent' info in your first post - not wait for 3 pages.

 

[Wishing on a star]

There are confidentiality issues with this. I doubt CPS is able to shed any light on it for legal reasons. Otherwise, the OP would have seen it in the disclosure paperwork prior to finalization. Certain things in that paperwork (names, personal info) are redacted to protect confidentiality.

Edit: Perhaps the child's ad litem can assist her. We've kept in touch with ours and she would be able to advise caution if there were concerns, without divulging sensitive info.

Yes, of course there are confidentiality issues.
I would not expect them to divulge any details.
But, the OP has every right to ask about any concerns regarding this unsupervised visit situation. Very much so.

That word 'UNFIT', might say a lot.

Again, OP, it all comes down to this.

YOU are the child's mother.
YOU are the one who makes these decisions.
It is what YOU are comfortable with.

You are not babysitting, doing them any favors, etc.

YOU are the parent. 100%. Period.
(just throwing this in because I am aware that this can sometimes be a factor in adoptions)

They have NO legal rights. And I suspect that this goes double, since there is a legal document that deems them 'unfit'. (Not being the first choice for placement and 'unfit' are probably two very different things.)

The fact that there are so many unknowns here is HUGE to me.
Are we to accept that nobody knows anything about these people, where their son/daughter, the child's bio parent(s) are. Etc.

I can tell you with 100% confidence that I would not be sending my son, unsupervised, into any similar situation. Personally, as for myself. I just couldn't bring myself to involve my child in such a questionable situation. With a lot of negative history that has been established.

 

[Laura66]

No I'm not a grandparent! But I know plenty! If it's at all possible they move heaven and earth to make it to these things. My parents can't come to a lot of my children's things because of poor health and of course my children and I totally understand that. What they aren't doing is insisting on one on one time away from me.

My husband and I get along very well with both sets of parents and we all get together often. But there are times when we have all been busy and it's been only once a month. Sometimes not even that. Thank goodness there's a thing called the phone - and things nowadays like Skype!

I still stand behind my opinion that if they wanted to see the child they would try (I'm getting that they didn't make an effort - which could be a totally wrong assumption) to make the other events the op listed.

Grandparents demanding or expecting alone time - away from the child's parents - in any circumstance is out of line.

 

[wilkeliza]

Are 'you' a grandparent?? You have no idea why 'being' at some of these occasions (or all) is not possible - I will not go into them here, but it has 'nothing' to do with feelings usually. Are 'you' a grandparent? Doubt it, or you would not be posting such stuff so hastily!!! Wow!! Again, as above! I just 'love' when the OP keeps 'adding' things 'after' you post that 'was not' in the first posting!!! If you want comments, why not put 'pertinent' info in your first post - not wait for 3 pages.

You have a lot of emotions and keep asking people if they are grandparents but the thing is in most states the OPs aunt and uncle are no longer legally DD grandparents.

Yes there are many reasons why people miss things but never going to a single event and only demanding alone time? That is not normal from any grandparent.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, and I also find NOTM's comments flaming the OP for not instantly divulging a lot of personal info on a public board (who would!!!) to be really off-base.


Personally, I wonder if this poster is actually a grandmother, and is one like my son's grandmother, who will be offended if anyone suggests that grandparents do not always have rights. Seen it many times.

 

[Suger Mag]

Are 'you' a grandparent?? You have no idea why 'being' at some of these occasions (or all) is not possible - I will not go into them here, but it has 'nothing' to do with feelings usually.

We are not talking about missing one or two events but ALL of them.

Are 'you' a grandparent? Doubt it, or you would not be posting such stuff so hastily!!!

Wow!! Again, as above!

Being a grandparent does not automatically mean you are a wonderful person... horrible parents grow up to be horrible grandparents.

I just 'love' when the OP keeps 'adding' things 'after' you post that 'was not' in the first posting!!! If you want comments, why not put 'pertinent' info in your first post - not wait for 3 pages.

Why so angry? The OP started this thread to ask a legitimate question. She opened her life to a child in need and gave a child a stable home.... something that the biological grandparents were deemed NOT FIT to provide. As far as adding details after the fact... OP was asked a question and answered it. I respect not wanting to trash your own family online with gory details for the DISboards amusements.

 

[jdb in AZ]

We are not talking about missing one or two events but ALL of them.

Why so angry? The OP started this thread to ask a legitimate question. She opened her life to a child in need and gave a child a stable home.... something that the biological grandparents were deemed NOT FIT to provide. As far as adding details after the fact... OP was asked a question and answered it. I respect not wanting to trash your own family online with gory details for the DISboards amusements.

When the DIS rips you apart, I call that a DISmemberment.

 

[Pamlur]

OP, would you be okay with sharing how old your daughter is now?

 

[alex9179]

I just 'love' when the OP keeps 'adding' things 'after' you post that 'was not' in the first posting!!! If you want comments, why not put 'pertinent' info in your first post - not wait for 3 pages.

The details surrounding contact aren't our business and weren't the point of the post. Although, she did say that her first post, which included more info, disappeared.

She asked if the bio GPs have standing to seek unsupervised visitation, or some kind of visitation schedule, in court and went on to describe their request.

They do not.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I don't normally promote stalker behavior but I'd make an exception for this case. If I were the OP I'd be tempted to drop my daughter off for their visit and then sit and wait somewhere out of sight to see if they take her anywhere or if someone else is coming to their house to see the child. If that is what's going on, then you'd know their motivation behind wanting private visitation and would have concrete evidence for ceasing future visits. On the other hand, we don't know how messy the circumstances were surrounding the adoption and it's possible the bio-grandparents just don't like, or want to be around, certain family members, possibly including the OP. Perhaps that's the reason they decline invitations to family functions. (Although you'd think they'd suck it up if seeing the child was that important to them.) Lastly, the issue of them being deemed unfit would be very worrisome to me. If it were due to something like financial instability, fine, no big deal. If it were something more serious then I wouldn't be allowing unsupervised, or possibly any, visits in the first place. OP, you lived this situation, you must have some inkling for why they were deemed unfit. (Not that you're expected to share it here.)