Grandparent rights in a family adoption

[ronandannette]

She knows they are her grandparents. They get to see her at minimum once a month and no they haven't done anything. I am just nervous they would. We are a busy family and sometimes only once a month works in our crazy schedule.

Nothing to be gained by worrying, especially if there's nothing to imply that you should. And your busy schedule is all the more reason to encourage them to be a little more flexible. If you simply CAN'T make time (and why should you, really?) to do it the way they prefer, their choices will determine how often they see each other.

As neice/nephew and aunt/uncle - how close are you to these people personally? Could you maybe just have an open conversation to clear the air and move forward more positively? Lots of things are going to change as your DD gets older and her feelings will need to be considered too.

 

[Laura66]

She knows they are her grandparents. They get to see her at minimum once a month and no they haven't done anything. I am just nervous they would. We are a busy family and sometimes only once a month works in our crazy schedule.

Exactly! I don't blame you for being nervous at all! Maybe they just love her and it's thier first grandchild (?) and really just want to see her a lot.

BUT the need for one on one and not being flexible and not participate in other family functions???

Nope!

I'd cut the one on one visits and let them visit with you and your husband or other family functions. Be very sweet and say oh tgat doesn't work for us us - but you're welcome to see her at so and so and so's pic nic or we'd love to have you join us for dinner.

See how they respond.

My oldest daughter and I are extremely close and I'm expecting an engagement in the next year. I know I'm looking soooooo forward to being a grandmother in a few years and I can NOT imagine me thinking I deserve or am entitled to alone time with her children! I hope I get some - but that's up to m daughter and her husband!

 

[wilkeliza]

She knows they are her grandparents. They get to see her at minimum once a month and no they haven't done anything. I am just nervous they would. We are a busy family and sometimes only once a month works in our crazy schedule.

They probably really just love her but once a month is more than enough especially if it is alone. As others have suggested it might be best to sit down with them and talk about it.

Do your parents and DH parents see her at least once a month alone? If not that bio grandparents are definitely pushing for too much. What happens when Dd is a preteen and has school, sports, friends etc what will they expect then?

 

[Dread Pirate]

Legally speaking, these people are not the child's grandparents. They are her legal great-uncle and great-aunt. Within YOUR family, however, you can consider them to be grandparents, aunt/uncle, or whatever, but legally they can't sue for grandparents' rights since they aren't grandparents.

If they had sued closer to the time of adoption, there is a chance they might have had a chance at getting visitation ordered through the Court, but the chances are low this many years afterwards.

Even if they had standing to sue, which they don't, another thing going against them winning a court case is that you and your husband, as the child's parents, have allowed them access to the child. You have not kept them from the child, therefore they don't need to sue to see the child. They have the opportunity to see the child at family functions, however THEY choose not to take advantage of those opportunities. As her parents, you and your family have the right to make your own plans, such as sports, family outings, etc, without having to change plans to meet their demands/wishes.

Why do they want alone time? Are they taking your child to see her biological parent(s)? Are you OK with that? Are they telling your child things, or making promises to her, such as a warped view of reality for what led to the adoption? Are they trying to get her to chose them over you, and trying to undermine your authority or parental decisions?

Whatever you do, if they sue or threaten to sue, don't give in and agree to any sort of legal agreement. Stand your ground. If you given in and they get legal visitation, that could affect your family in a big way. You might not be able to move from where you are now, since that could affect their court-ordered visitation.

Personally, I'd only let them see the child at supervised events right now, since they're being pushy about it, and not let them take the child alone. When she's older, maybe I'd change my mind, but not right now.

As someone else said:

I'd cut the one on one visits and let them visit with you and your husband or other family functions. Be very sweet and say oh tgat doesn't work for us us - but you're welcome to see her at so and so and so's pic nic or we'd love to have you join us for dinner.

 

[okeydokey]

Is there harm in letting them see her more than once a month? Is the help welcome? It is strange that they don't want to do family functions, but I am sure they love her and want to spend time with her. Is it difficult for them to travel? I would try to be flexible with them.

 

[Laura66]

Is there harm in letting them see her more than once a month? Is the help welcome? It is strange that they don't want to do family functions, but I am sure they love her and want to spend time with her. Is it difficult for them to travel? I would try to be flexible with them.

It sounds like she is flexible and let's them see her a minimum of once a month. They are the ones that aren't being flexible and only want to visit with the child alone.

 

[OurBigTrip]

Legally, they aren't the child's grandparents, so that the fact that you're letting them see her at all is a gift from you to them.

If they want to see her, it needs to be on your terms, not theirs.

 

[MINNIEsotanice]

It sounds like she is flexible and let's them see her a minimum of once a month. They are the ones that aren't being flexible and only want to visit with the child alone.

This is exactly it. It is a minimum of once a month. We have had many events that they didn't come, but then will ask the next week for a visit alone. They were invited, along with the rest of the family, to her recital and baptism and didn't come to either.

 

[okeydokey]

This is exactly it. It is a minimum of once a month. We have had many events that they didn't come, but then will ask the next week for a visit alone. They were invited, along with the rest of the family, to her recital and baptism and didn't come to either.

Perhaps they are having a hard time with the adoption and feel they are losing their grandchild. When they are alone with her, they feel like grandparents, but with extended family they feel like Aunt and Uncle.

For me, once a month with my grandchild would not be enough, and I would make an effort to see them however I could, but losing their grandchild must sting to them. Their own child is unable, for whatever reason, to parent their grandchild, so it must be difficult for them.

She is lucky that you have stepped up to raise her.

 

[North of Mouse]

She knows they are her grandparents. They get to see her at minimum once a month and no they haven't done anything. I am just nervous they would. We are a busy family and sometimes only once a month works in our crazy schedule.

OK, your only objections are that you are 'nervous' and you are busy? They are also your 'own' relatives? Uncle and Aunt? They love their grandchild? Why would you not want them to have time with her? Surely you can enjoy one day in a month (or more) alone time with your dh???

Guess I see this differently than some posters - I 'am' a grandparent and would be devastated if a grandchild was denied being with me only because you are nervous. They haven't done anything to deserve this, you say?? Are you just being selfish? If there's more, you haven't said, so can only go on what you have posted.

You may be a grandparent one day in a similar situation (none of us know ) so think carefully about this. Grandparent/grandchild is a precious relationship and should not be denied, under 'normal' circumstances.

We also do not go to all family functions (some) but nothing beats the 'one on one'!

We also make 'great' baby sitters for a day/night out!!

 

[alex9179]

Dread Pirate and OurBigTrip are correct. They ceased being grandparents, legally, when the adoption was finalized.

We are adoptive parents to our, then, grand niece and nephews. I've had extensive experience in parental rights issues with our case in Texas. Grandparents' rights do vary by state, but the people you are referring to no longer have that relationship under any state law. The child is legally an orphan when the rights of the first parents were terminated. All legal ties with those families were also terminated. Therefore, they do not have standing to file any visitation suit against your family.

Standing for grandparents usually means that, depending on your state's laws, they can intervene in an OPEN custody case. Divorce and a visitation agreement would be an example. There are also previous levels of contact that play a part. The burden is on the grandparents to PROVE that they should be included in any visitation agreement.

The above is just for information. This is NOT the case for your family. You, as the parents, have the final say as to when and how they will interact with your child.

If I can help in any way, please ask. This can be incredibly stressful when you don't know the answers. I can find your state's laws, if it would help you. It truly is not an issue here. Your parents and your DH's parents are her only legal grandparents and the only ones who would be able to assert their rights, if your state even gives them any.

 

[Suger Mag]

OK, your only objections are that you are 'nervous' and you are busy? They are also your 'own' relatives? Uncle and Aunt? They love their grandchild? Why would you not want them to have time with her? Surely you can enjoy one day in a month (or more) alone time with your dh???

Guess I see this differently than some posters - I 'am' a grandparent and would be devastated if a grandchild was denied being with me only because you are nervous. They haven't done anything to deserve this, you say?? Are you just being selfish? If there's more, you haven't said, so can only go on what you have posted.

You may be a grandparent one day in a similar situation (none of us know ) so think carefully about this. Grandparent/grandchild is a precious relationship and should not be denied, under 'normal' circumstances.

We also do not go to all family functions (some) but nothing beats the 'one on one'!

We also make 'great' baby sitters for a day/night out!!

Don't you find it odd that they refuse to go to important family ceremonies like a baptism or recitals... and ONLY want to be alone? That is not a normal circumstance... I know this would be a big red flag for me, that would raise my concerns that something more than "we just want to spend time together" is going on.

OP... As a parent i say... follow your gut, it is telling you something for a reason.

I am a blunt person, and don't have patience for mind games. I would ask them (very nicely and honestly) why they do not attend any family functions. You can do it bring it up by saying you want to work around their schedule the next time you are planning something like a birthday etc.... then if they say no, ask them why.

 

[Laura66]

Don't you find it odd that they refuse to go to important family ceremonies like a baptism or recitals... and ONLY want to be alone? That is not a normal circumstance... I know this would be a big red flag for me, that would raise my concerns that something more than "we just want to spend time together" is going on.

OP... As a parent i say... follow your gut, it is telling you something for a reason.

I am a blunt person, and don't have patience for mind games. I would ask them (very nicely and honestly) why they do not attend any family functions. You can do it bring it up by saying you want to work around their schedule the next time you are planning something like a birthday etc.... then if they say no, ask them why.

This! I think they are being stubborn and trying to be controlling - refusing to see the child on anything other than their terms.

Big red flag.

 

[NewRVLady]

First of all , my kids REAL grandparents never took them for a private visit

They occasionally babysat- but I hired sitters when kids got older

It just sounds odd- I would definitely see an attorney

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is exactly it. It is a minimum of once a month. We have had many events that they didn't come, but then will ask the next week for a visit alone. They were invited, along with the rest of the family, to her recital and baptism and didn't come to either.

Yea, that seems pretty "off" here.

Where are the parents? I was just wondering if the grandparents were having the kids visit with the parents?

Bottom line to me, once a month visit seems normal in a busy schedule.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Perhaps they are having a hard time with the adoption and feel they are losing their grandchild. When they are alone with her, they feel like grandparents, but with extended family they feel like Aunt and Uncle.

For me, once a month with my grandchild would not be enough, and I would make an effort to see them however I could, but losing their grandchild must sting to them. Their own child is unable, for whatever reason, to parent their grandchild, so it must be difficult for them.

She is lucky that you have stepped up to raise her.

This..

OK, your only objections are that you are 'nervous' and you are busy? They are also your 'own' relatives? Uncle and Aunt? They love their grandchild? Why would you not want them to have time with her? Surely you can enjoy one day in a month (or more) alone time with your dh???

Guess I see this differently than some posters - I 'am' a grandparent and would be devastated if a grandchild was denied being with me only because you are nervous. They haven't done anything to deserve this, you say?? Are you just being selfish? If there's more, you haven't said, so can only go on what you have posted.

You may be a grandparent one day in a similar situation (none of us know ) so think carefully about this. Grandparent/grandchild is a precious relationship and should not be denied, under 'normal' circumstances.

We also do not go to all family functions (some) but nothing beats the 'one on one'!

We also make 'great' baby sitters for a day/night out!!

And this.

Why punish the child and the grandparents, if they've done nothing wrong.?

 

[Laura66]

This..


And this.

Why punish the child and the grandparents, if they've done nothing wrong.?

Hey! Once a month would no where be near enough for me! BUT you bet your bippy if I had invites for Birthdays, Baptisms, dinner - you name it I'd be there with bells on!
She's given them plenty of opportunities! No one is punishing anyone here.
I say trust your gut OP!

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

It sounds like the OP has a gut feeling something is wrong. If the grandparents truly wanted to be grandparents they would see that child every chance they got, even if they "felt like great aunt/uncle" when the rest of the extended family is around. And they would have discussed what role they wanted to have in the grandchild's life with the adoptive parents when the adoption happened. It's not like the baby was born and adopted the next week. The child was 1.

Their behavior is suspicious and if I were the OP there is no way the "alone" visits would continue. If they want to spend time with my daughter they can do it with me in the room. Period.

 

[rodeo65]

Hey! Once a month would no where be near enough for me! BUT you bet your bippy if I had invites for Birthdays, Baptisms, dinner - you name it I'd be there with bells on!
She's given them plenty of opportunities! No one is punishing anyone here.
I say trust your gut OP!

ROFL at "bet your bippy" and completely agree with your points. If they want to see her more frequently the opportunity is there. Smells like "agenda" to me.

Not close to a grandparent yet, but seeing how my parents and my in-laws have behaved over the years, there is definitely a clear picture when there is care for a child and wanting to see /interact with the child over I want what I want and I want it my way kind of mentality. We've dealt with both.

I've also seen my parents put their wants aside for their other grandchildren to respect the parental wishes. I fall on the side of grandparents are wonderful people (in most cases) to have in your children's lives but that doesn't mean they have "rights" especially over the parental ones.

 

[Tozzie]

Something is not right here, if the "grandparents" just wanted to see the child they would take any oppourtunity to do so but they aren't and they are insisting on alone visits. Gigantic red flag, especially since they didn't attend the baptisim. If it were me I would stop the alone visits for awhile and tell them they can see the baby at your house or at such and such funcition.

The "grandparents" are not her grandparents anymore.