Grandparent rights in a family adoption

[Laura66]

It sounds like the OP has a gut feeling something is wrong. If the grandparents truly wanted to be grandparents they would see that child every chance they got, even if they "felt like great aunt/uncle" when the rest of the extended family is around. And they would have discussed what role they wanted to have in the grandchild's life with the adoptive parents when the adoption happened. It's not like the baby was born and adopted the next week. The child was 1.

Their behavior is suspicious and if I were the OP there is no way the "alone" visits would continue. If they want to spend time with my daughter they can do it with me in the room. Period.

This. Soooo well said.

OP - I am usually shaking my head with the majority of threads posted on the DIS that complain about grandparents doing too much or not enough. Based on what you have posted I'd be very, very suspicious of their motives and intent!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Not sure if the OP and the other 'grandparents' here are blood relatives or not.

Perhaps these are the parents of the OP's non-blood relative aunt.

Anyhow, the answer to that question would not affect my decision in any way.

The parents rights were taken away, or the parents allowed their child to be adopted, for a good reason.

Nobody here is saying that a child should not see their grandparents.

But, this circumstance is just not 'normal'.

And the insistence on regular alone-time would also be a huge concern.
The other posters who mentioned that that the familial rights to all of those family members are severed, and the child has a new 'family' when adopted, are correct. In fact, when children are taken from parents and the parent's rights are terminated, this can often become an issue for Children's Services.

We do not have enough info here to know what the exact situation is here. Maybe this is just a grandparent who wishes to see their grandchild. But, even if this is the case, this alone-time visitation would be a big concern.

I am glad that others here are using words/phrases that I have refrained from using here, as I have been accused of over-use and exaggeration.

And, one poster mentioned 'boundaries'.
Look, because I have posted in the past about one relationship where boundaries were an issue, that does not mean that 'I' have boundary issues.

My son has been free to spend time away from me, alone, with friends, relatives, etc... And that has not been an issue.

The fact that I have had one relative, who just happened to not be able to observe normal healthy boundaries. That just is what it is.

Yes, this happened to be one of my son's grandmothers.
The fact that she was a bona-fide relative did not change the situation at all. The fact that I did not feel comfortable, or that it was good/appropriate to have my son stay there with her. That was all that mattered.

And, I will openly admit that the fact that I was very happy for my son to spend time, on his own, with other people, but not his grandmother, yes, that is sad....

 

[MSLRAC]

This. Soooo well said.

OP - I am usually shaking my head with the majority of threads posted on the DIS that complain about grandparents doing too much or not enough. Based on what you have posted I'd be very, very suspicious of their motives and intent!

Exactly! OP go with your gut! If you feel like something is off then is probably is. It's your child so you call the shots.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Hey! Once a month would no where be near enough for me! BUT you bet your bippy if I had invites for Birthdays, Baptisms, dinner - you name it I'd be there with bells on!
She's given them plenty of opportunities! No one is punishing anyone here.
I say trust your gut OP!

I would be there on any occasion too. Although, I have family, that would feel very awkward....like they were intruding. The child sees them as grandparents...and they are. Legalities don't change your heart...

Does the child enjoy the visits? Do they affect her behavior in a negative way? If, there is no problem, why look for one?

 

[alex9179]

The OP is questioning whether or not these people have the right to file suit for visitation.

The answer is "No." They don't have legal standing to seek court ordered visitation.

Seems that contact has been on-going and will continue. It's up to the parents to decide the parameters. We all have our opinions, of course, but without knowing the history and the people...it's just guesswork.

Relative adoption is complicated. Given my experiences, I wouldn't dream of telling the parents what they should do about contact. The child is the most important person in the equation and it sounds like the OP realizes this. Hopefully, they can all come to an understanding.

 

[aprilgail2]

Don't you find it odd that they refuse to go to important family ceremonies like a baptism or recitals... and ONLY want to be alone? That is not a normal circumstance... I know this would be a big red flag for me, that would raise my concerns that something more than "we just want to spend time together" is going on.

.

That is very odd to me.

Is there any reason the grandparents did not keep the grandchild themselves? I would be heartbroken to know someone else was raising my grandchild and not me.

 

[MINNIEsotanice]

That is very odd to me.

Is there any reason the grandparents did not keep the grandchild themselves? I would be heartbroken to know someone else was raising my grandchild and not me.

They were deemed not fit to raise her. I honestly have no idea why. I have no idea where my cousin is or what she is doing. No one in my family has contact with her. Sorry my original post was vague. I had typed out a different post and it got deleted before I could post it.

 

[wilkeliza]

They were deemed not fit to raise her. I honestly have no idea why. I have no idea where my cousin is or what she is doing. No one in my family has contact with her. Sorry my original post was vague. I had typed out a different post and it got deleted before I could post it.

I'm so sorry to hear that at least DD is where she is loved now.

It must be very hard to want to let DD know her bio grandparents but at the same time being cautious of what they want with these alone visits.

If you can manage it perhaps have a meeting with a mediator or family counselor in order to talk through the reasons why they want alone time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Then, as the mother of the child, I think you should have every right to request to meet with the staff who worked this adoption and ask a few questions.

Maybe it is their age?

Maybe their financial situation?

Or, maybe being complicit in whatever reasons the parents rights were terminated?

Other?

You said that there was no mentions of visitation?

I would DEF consider this a need-to-know before any 'alone' visits.
They might not be able to talk about specific details, but if there are any concerns, they should be able to let you know that.

 

[mom2rtk]

Yea, that seems pretty "off" here.

Where are the parents? I was just wondering if the grandparents were having the kids visit with the parents?

Bottom line to me, once a month visit seems normal in a busy schedule.

I know the OP says nobody knows where bio mom is, but I would be very suspicious that maybe her parents (aunt and uncle) do know where she is and that they are allowing visits in their alone time with the child.

Something just seems off in their insistence they want to have her alone.

 

[alex9179]

Then, as the mother of the child, I think you should every right to request to meet with the staff who worked this adoption and ask a few questions.

Maybe it is their age?

Maybe their financial situation?

Or, maybe being complicit in whatever reasons the parents rights were terminated?

Other?

You said that there was no mentions of visitation?

I would DEF consider this a need-to-know before any 'alone' visits.
They might not be able to talk about specific details, but if there are any concerns, they should be able to let you know that.

There are confidentiality issues with this. I doubt CPS is able to shed any light on it for legal reasons. Otherwise, the OP would have seen it in the disclosure paperwork prior to finalization. Certain things in that paperwork (names, personal info) are redacted to protect confidentiality.

Edit: Perhaps the child's ad litem can assist her. We've kept in touch with ours and she would be able to advise caution if there were concerns, without divulging sensitive info.

 

[abdmom]

They were deemed not fit to raise her. I honestly have no idea why. I have no idea where my cousin is or what she is doing. No one in my family has contact with her. Sorry my original post was vague. I had typed out a different post and it got deleted before I could post it.

If it were my child - if they were unfit to raise her, then they'd be unfit for unsupervised visits.

 

[aprilgail2]

If it were my child - if they were unfit to raise her, then they'd be unfit for unsupervised visits.

I am majorly in favor of kids knowing their biological families but I hate to say I do agree with this- if they were unfit to raise her they would be getting supervised visitation.

 

[ronandannette]

Before going any of the formal routes, I again ask - OP, why don't you just TALK to them? If you'd be comfortable having them at your dinner table, why can't you have this very important conversation in the best interest of a little girl you all love? And one of either your parents or your DH's parents are siblings to one of them - is there absolutely nobody in this equation that can give you some insight? How did you even come to know this child was eligible for adoption in the first place if you have "no idea" what the situation was?

 

[emma'smom]

By "alone time" do they truly demand that it be private at their house or do they just want some one-on-one time with the child? Would they agree to spend "alone"time on outings in public places---- out to lunch, going on shopping trips, to the zoo, children's museum----things where they can build relationships, but you don't have to worry that somethings amiss since they will be in the public eye?

 

[Nancyg56]

OK, your only objections are that you are 'nervous' and you are busy? They are also your 'own' relatives? Uncle and Aunt? They love their grandchild? Why would you not want them to have time with her? Surely you can enjoy one day in a month (or more) alone time with your dh???

Guess I see this differently than some posters - I 'am' a grandparent and would be devastated if a grandchild was denied being with me only because you are nervous. They haven't done anything to deserve this, you say?? Are you just being selfish? If there's more, you haven't said, so can only go on what you have posted.

You may be a grandparent one day in a similar situation (none of us know ) so think carefully about this. Grandparent/grandchild is a precious relationship and should not be denied, under 'normal' circumstances.

We also do not go to all family functions (some) but nothing beats the 'one on one'!

We also make 'great' baby sitters for a day/night out!!

I was beginning to think I was the only one who was not all wrapped up in legal vs enotional ties to the child. If this was my grandchild, I woul dhave moved heaven and Earth to make sure she was with me, but barring that option, i would want as much time as possible. I understand that legally these peopl have not right, but for goodness sakes, they cannot change that they are grandarents, no tin their minds. I know I woul never be able to pretend I was an aunt because legailly, that desigation was made.

 

[wilkeliza]

I was beginning to think I was the only one who was not all wrapped up in legal vs enotional ties to the child. If this was my grandchild, I woul dhave moved heaven and Earth to make sure she was with me, but barring that option, i would want as much time as possible. I understand that legally these peopl have not right, but for goodness sakes, they cannot change that they are grandarents, no tin their minds. I know I woul never be able to pretend I was an aunt because legailly, that desigation was made.

The thing is OP doesn't make them pretend to be aunt and uncle or say they can't see DD at their home or family functions. Bio-grandparents will only see DD when they have alone time with her. O0 said they didn't come to big things like the baptism and a recital. That doesn't sound like loving grandparents to me. I would be so upset with my grandparents if they missed my recital.

 

[alex9179]

I was beginning to think I was the only one who was not all wrapped up in legal vs enotional ties to the child. If this was my grandchild, I woul dhave moved heaven and Earth to make sure she was with me, but barring that option, i would want as much time as possible. I understand that legally these peopl have not right, but for goodness sakes, they cannot change that they are grandarents, no tin their minds. I know I woul never be able to pretend I was an aunt because legailly, that desigation was made.

I don't believe this is the issue, at least from the OP's point of view. The child and her bio GPs have a relationship and the child knows them as her GPs.

The very first post deals with law suit concerns. Emotion is certainly running wild with those, but they do not decide procedure.

If CPS was involved with the first parents, then caution is warranted.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would be concerned as to why they were deemed unfit to raise her.

I would be even more concerned that they refuse to attend family events and only want alone time with her. I would be wondering what is going on during that alone time.

Is the alone time at your house? Does she go to their house? Do they take her out?

I would stop alone time. If they want to see YOUR dd, then they need to come to family events. If they want to see her, they need to come to your house when it works for you and be with your dd there, no taking her out anywhere.

Go with your gut, OP.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know the OP says nobody knows where bio mom is, but I would be very suspicious that maybe her parents (aunt and uncle) do know where she is and that they are allowing visits in their alone time with the child.

Something just seems off in their insistence they want to have her alone.

For arguments sake, IF the GP's WERE having the kids visit with the BIOP's, then that opens up an unhealthy situation for the kids here.

They would have to "keep a secret" from the OP.

I suppose OP could interrogate the kids, but who wants to do that. It sounds like their situation is already mixed up and emotions are running high.

OP, I feel for you. Being a parent is not for the weak.

I still say once a month is fine for visiting. It would be all I could muster with my schedule. Just stick to your guns and be consistent.