Frustrated!! UPDATE POST#81

[tink1978]

Okay...so this whole situation is getting really, really ridiculous. My mom is now involved and has emailed me regarding it. She said she emailed b/c it is hard to talk without my son hearing (while true, she could have called me at work or some other time). She said that my dad is really upset with the way I spoke to him and my brother last Sunday and that we need to talk about it.

This is making me more upset. First, I have already spoken to my brother and have talked with him several times since Sunday. We have worked things out (at least he has not said anything else about being mad). My dad is the one still so mad (at how I spoke to him). I assume that he is mad b/c he feels I disrespected him for telling him it was not his business and not to get involved in a discussion that should be between me and my brother.

I don't want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about. Should I respond to her email or just continue the silence?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay...so this whole situation is getting really, really ridiculous. My mom is now involved and has emailed me regarding it. She said she emailed b/c it is hard to talk without my son hearing (while true, she could have called me at work or some other time). She said that my dad is really upset with the way I spoke to him and my brother last Sunday and that we need to talk about it.

This is making me more upset. First, I have already spoken to my brother and have talked with him several times since Sunday. We have worked things out (at least he has not said anything else about being mad). My dad is the one still so mad (at how I spoke to him). I assume that he is mad b/c he feels I disrespected him for telling him it was not his business and not to get involved in a discussion that should be between me and my brother.

I don't want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about. Should I respond to her email or just continue the silence?

Did you NOT READ what I posted to you!!! NEVER EVER EVER put anything in writing. Do NOT do it. Resist the temptation.

This is a classic manipulator tactic. Anything you put in writing will now be twisted and held against you. In addition it lets the person aka manipulator know that his tactic is working. Basically he is esculating the "fight" and playing to win.

If you want to discuss matters with them you pick up the phone and tell them you will discuss things IN PERSON, period.

Now should you talk about this. NO. The person that should be talking to you is your father. Until he actually picks up a phone or speaks to you two can play the same game. (if you want to go this route)

 

[starann]

I don't have any advice but wonder if we are not related! It has been a year since I spoke with my father last (the final straw was him calling us on different occassions and threatening to have my husband murdered......because we would not watch my younger brothers dog...really that is why). I just wanted to give you hugs. I know how heart wrenching it can be esp with the holidays approaching.

I'll leave you with this quote....

I am starting to understand that my family tree has less timber and more nuts!

 

[diznygirl]

Did you NOT READ what I posted to you!!! NEVER EVER EVER put anything in writing. Do NOT do it. Resist the temptation.

This is a classic manipulator tactic. Anything you put in writing will now be twisted and held against you. In addition it lets the person aka manipulator know that his tactic is working. Basically he is esculating the "fight" and playing to win.

If you want to discuss matters with them you pick up the phone and tell them you will discuss things IN PERSON, period.

Now should you talk about this. NO. The person that should be talking to you is your father. Until he actually picks up a phone or speaks to you two can play the same game. (if you want to go this route)

Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!


You can talk to your mother and tell her you are sorry your dad feels that way, but that's his choice. And then change the subject - did you know so n so did such and such? The weather, the kids' school, anything else. Life is normal in your world. Your dad's world - well, that's not your business.

 

[tink1978]

Did you NOT READ what I posted to you!!! NEVER EVER EVER put anything in writing. Do NOT do it. Resist the temptation.

This is a classic manipulator tactic. Anything you put in writing will now be twisted and held against you. In addition it lets the person aka manipulator know that his tactic is working. Basically he is esculating the "fight" and playing to win.

If you want to discuss matters with them you pick up the phone and tell them you will discuss things IN PERSON, period.

Now should you talk about this. NO. The person that should be talking to you is your father. Until he actually picks up a phone or speaks to you two can play the same game. (if you want to go this route)

Yeah...I thought responding would be stupid. I have talked with her several times this week over the phone when my son was at school and she has not said a word about anything.

I am tired of being the "bad guy" to my dad and always having to be the one to apologize for hurting his feelings (which BTW, I don't think I did anything wrong in this situation). I think he should apologize for getting involved when I told him it was not his business. I am the one who has continued to by kind to everyone and has even smiled at dad and tried to be civil. He is the one who refuses to look at me or talk with me. To be honest, even if he does call wanting to hash it out....I don't want to hash it out. Just let it be...no amount of arguing "you did this" and "you did that" is going to make anything better. Just agree to put it behind us and move on....

I just want to scream really, really loud!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't have any advice but wonder if we are not related! It has been a year since I spoke with my father last (the final straw was him calling us on different occassions and threatening to have my husband murdered......because we would not watch my younger brothers dog...really that is why). I just wanted to give you hugs. I know how heart wrenching it can be esp with the holidays approaching.

I'll leave you with this quote....

I am starting to understand that my family tree has less timber and more nuts!

OMG!!!

 

[lovesmurfs]

Egads. What, are they 12?

I'd maintain radio silence until it blows over. Did you pick up the other game system already?

 

[tink1978]

I don't have any advice but wonder if we are not related! It has been a year since I spoke with my father last (the final straw was him calling us on different occassions and threatening to have my husband murdered......because we would not watch my younger brothers dog...really that is why). I just wanted to give you hugs. I know how heart wrenching it can be esp with the holidays approaching.

I'll leave you with this quote....

I am starting to understand that my family tree has less timber and more nuts!

That is terrible!!! And yes, sometimes that is what I feel is going to happen here....no talking about anything. Thank God he hasn't threatened to murder someone..I would be calling the police!

 

[tink1978]

Egads. What, are they 12?

I'd maintain radio silence until it blows over. Did you pick up the other game system already?

Yes...I did. Got it last week.

 

[EthansMom]

Okay...so this whole situation is getting really, really ridiculous. My mom is now involved and has emailed me regarding it. She said she emailed b/c it is hard to talk without my son hearing (while true, she could have called me at work or some other time). She said that my dad is really upset with the way I spoke to him and my brother last Sunday and that we need to talk about it.

This is making me more upset. First, I have already spoken to my brother and have talked with him several times since Sunday. We have worked things out (at least he has not said anything else about being mad). My dad is the one still so mad (at how I spoke to him). I assume that he is mad b/c he feels I disrespected him for telling him it was not his business and not to get involved in a discussion that should be between me and my brother.

I don't want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about. Should I respond to her email or just continue the silence?

Something it took me a long time to learn: You aren't responsible for other people's feelings. It's just too dang bad that your father didn't like being told "No" and that you didn't cave to his unreasonable demands.

He is probably whining, blaming everything on you, and making your Mom's life more miserable. So, now SHE wants you to apologize to Dad in order to improve her lot in life. Now, if you called Dad names or said something else inappropriate, then it's a good idea to apologize for those actions. But if Dad just doesn't like the fact that he got told he had no business calling you, then that is just too dang bad.

Personally, in your shoes, I would tell Mom, "I'm sorry Dad is making your life difficult, but I didn't do or say anything wrong. I can't be held responsible for Dad being upset at being told, "No"."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yeah...I thought responding would be stupid. I have talked with her several times this week over the phone when my son was at school and she has not said a word about anything.

I am tired of being the "bad guy" to my dad and always having to be the one to apologize for hurting his feelings (which BTW, I don't think I did anything wrong in this situation). I think he should apologize for getting involved when I told him it was not his business. I am the one who has continued to by kind to everyone and has even smiled at dad and tried to be civil. He is the one who refuses to look at me or talk with me. To be honest, even if he does call wanting to hash it out....I don't want to hash it out. Just let it be...no amount of arguing "you did this" and "you did that" is going to make anything better. Just agree to put it behind us and move on....

I just want to scream really, really loud!!!

Well if you are tired of being the "bad guy" and putting up with his crap then you are going to have to go thru the ring of fire. It is not easy.

Your mother is going to be beating you up so she can have peace in her house. Remember she does not care about the fight or your feelings.
That will be your next realization of pain.

And believe me, you are an angel with your father....I have been cussing my father out since I have been 16.He is a horse's behind. (Read Archie Bunker but worse).

Now that he is old I try to maintain myself however I did fall off the wagon during the election. He got the full Monty of cussing out. I did apologize for that but it got my point across.

Guess what? He stopped his disrespecting baloney. There is only so much you can take before someone crosses the line in the sand.

 

[tink1978]

Something it took me a long time to learn: You aren't responsible for other people's feelings. It's just too dang bad that your father didn't like being told "No" and that you didn't cave to his unreasonable demands.

He is probably whining, blaming everything on you, and making your Mom's life more miserable. So, now SHE wants you to apologize to Dad in order to improve her lot in life. Now, if you called Dad names or said something else inappropriate, then it's a good idea to apologize for those actions. But if Dad just doesn't like the fact that he got told he had no business calling you, then that is just too dang bad.

Personally, in your shoes, I would tell Mom, "I'm sorry Dad is making your life difficult, but I didn't do or say anything wrong. I can't be held responsible for Dad being upset at being told, "No"."

I think that this is exactly what is going on. It's not fair that he has involved her to the point that she feels she has to mediate between us. While I appreciate her wanting to help things get better, it is dad who should be contacting me to work things out. If she asks me about it in person, that is what I am going to say. I am not going to do anything until my dad calls and wants to work it out.

 

[tink1978]

Well if you are tired of being the "bad guy" and putting up with his crap then you are going to have to go thru the ring of fire. It is not easy.

Your mother is going to be beating you up so she can have peace in her house. Remember she does not care about the fight or your feelings.
That will be your next realization of pain.
And believe me, you are an angel with your father....I have been cussing my father out since I have been 16.He is a horse's behind. (Read Archie Bunker but worse).

Now that he is old I try to maintain myself however I did fall off the wagon during the election. He got the full Monty of cussing out. I did apologize for that but it got my point across.

Guess what? He stopped his disrespecting baloney. There is only so much you can take before someone crosses the line in the sand.

She's not saying anything bad...but even if she does...I know that it is b/c my dad is driving her bonkers. I know that it would not be about me. That, to be honest, won't bother me. My dad has done this crap for years and I am the one who is finally saying enough....maybe it will eventually help everyone else to realize that they don't have to bend over backwards for him.

I am at the point that I have realized it is not my job to make the relationship between me and dad work. I am not responsible for his happiness....I am responsible for mine and my family's. I am going to sit out and not engage in conversations regarding this incident with anyone else in the family. Dad can come to me when he is ready to make amends. Until then...I am just going to go on with my life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She's not saying anything bad...but even if she does...I know that it is b/c my dad is driving her bonkers. I know that it would not be about me. That, to be honest, won't bother me. My dad has done this crap for years and I am the one who is finally saying enough....maybe it will eventually help everyone else to realize that they don't have to bend over backwards for him.

I am at the point that I have realized it is not my job to make the relationship between me and dad work. I am not responsible for his happiness....I am responsible for mine and my family's. I am going to sit out and not engage in conversations regarding this incident with anyone else in the family. Dad can come to me when he is ready to make amends. Until then...I am just going to go on with my life.

May the force be with you....

(I have been playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii....)

 

[tink1978]

May the force be with you....

(I have been playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii....)

My husband would love this...he is a huge Star Wars fan. And you're right...the force is with me!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My husband would love this...he is a huge Star Wars fan. And you're right...the force is with me!

HA! I just noticed your Darth Vader Icon.

I have been playing Lego Star Wars The Complete Saga and it is soooo cute.

 

[tink1978]

HA! I just noticed your Darth Vader Icon.

I have been playing Lego Star Wars The Complete Saga and it is soooo cute.

That it is. I actually enjoy playing it too! I think the Lego characters are precious!

 

[bumbershoot]

I am tired of being the "bad guy" to my dad and always having to be the one to apologize for hurting his feelings (which BTW, I don't think I did anything wrong in this situation). I think he should apologize for getting involved when I told him it was not his business. I am the one who has continued to by kind to everyone and has even smiled at dad and tried to be civil. He is the one who refuses to look at me or talk with me.

When thinking about if you should continue to apologize...change the situation.

Imagine YOU, having the discussion with your suddenly adult son, complaining that he had disrespected you, requiring apologies, not being civil, not looking at him, etc. Just because your adult son and his sibling had a disagreement that wasn't your business.

Doesn't that make you feel like the whiniest, most babyish, adult parent of an adult child EVER?

And that's what your dad is doing. He's been a grownup for at least 30 years now...he really should stop acting the way he's acting.

 

[tink1978]

When thinking about if you should continue to apologize...change the situation.

Imagine YOU, having the discussion with your suddenly adult son, complaining that he had disrespected you, requiring apologies, not being civil, not looking at him, etc. Just because your adult son and his sibling had a disagreement that wasn't your business.

Doesn't that make you feel like the whiniest, most babyish, adult parent of an adult child EVER?

And that's what your dad is doing. He's been a grownup for at least 30 years now...he really should stop acting the way he's acting.

I totally agree with you. I cannot imagine doing that to my own son. It is very childish. That is why I am not giving into to his temper tantrum....

 

[VillageMama]

Are you familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder? I wasn't, either, until my mother helpfully let it slip that she had been diagnosed with it. Then I did a little research and it was very illuminating.

It's not uncommon for a parent with BPD to put his children into categories. The ones he likes are called "white" and if you are one that he doesn't treat well, it's called being "blacked".

Whether your father has an actual personality disorder or not, it sounds like your 28 year old brother has been whited and you, unfortunately, are blacked. There's nothing rational about it.

People with BPD do not like to be "abandoned". The frustrating part for the rest of us is that they consider normal growth... like a child moving out, getting married, having children... as abandonment. So you have done the horrible offense of building an adult life, while your 28 year old brother has so thoughtfully remained dependant on his parents.

Good luck and stay strong. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders.