Frustrated!! UPDATE POST#81

[tink1978]

how her father replied: you disrespected me. Seems he couldn't shovel it out fast enough...the guilt trip.

Someone do me a favor and call out the father: you've disrespected your daughter.

Lovely.

Thanks...I agree. That is how I feel. Too bad my Dad doesn't get that...

 

[bgirldeb]

Hey, I'm almost 34, and I would like a Wii. Would your Dad buy me one, too?

Sorry your family is being like this! How silly!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

BTW, I did get the XBOX back. I went over to my parents home to get and everyone ignored me. I guess that is better than getting into an argument about it though!

Geesh. I hope that you can now move forward and take the doormat off your back.

 

[MIGrandma]

You are right on both counts.

1) If your brother borrowed another game console 8 months ago and still hasn't returned it you were right to not let him borrow the Wii. He needs to get his own.

2) Your Dad should not have gotten involved. None of his business.

 

[hereyago]

I think your DF needs to let go and your DB needs to get a life in reality land.

 

[tink1978]

And the drama continues....

My DS had a football game last night and I called dad to let him know about it so that he could be there. He came to the game, but stayed at the other end of the field and would not look at or talk to me. He did talk to DS.

When I get home, my brother calls and says, "What in the world is going on? Why is everyone freaking out over all this?" I told him that I was freaking out about it, but that dad wasn't talking to me over all that had happened. My brother then told me that my husband had told my other brother (who also came to the game) what had happened and then said that my dad "needed to grow up and talk to his daughter" (I was in the bathroom at the time and had no idea that this conversation had occured). So, my other brother tells my dad and now dad is more mad because of this and apparently went home and said all sorts of stuff to everyone else in the family about me and my husband.

So, I worked out the original problem with my brother and there is no problem between us anymore. The lingering problem is now my dad.

I talked to my husband and told him that he should not have said what he did to my brother as it got back to dad. I let him know that this just made the problem worse.

So....now dad is even more mad and I didn't do anything. I am tired of him giving me the silent treatment, it is so stupid. Even when I say something to him like, "Hey, how are you?" or whatever, he doesn't respond. My son is starting to wonder what is going on and why my dad won't talk to me. I am not getting him involved in this. It is just so stupid....I don't know what to do at this point.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP - I understand you're frustrated with your DH but I kind of side with him. Yes, he should not have opened his mouth but he is 100% correct. Seems your DF doesn't want to face facts. The only person that is making this worse now is your DF.

Hugs to you as I understand this can't be easy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your dad is trying to manipulate you, plain and simple. Plus he is feeling anxiety over your brother leaving so you have become his whipping post.

And don't be mad at your DH because he was sticking up for his woman which is a normal response to your dad's manipulation. (You need to understand normal as opposed to manipulation).

So now, what to do. Hmmm...

For starters, do not under any circimstances put anything in writing, in the form of texts, emails, letters. All communication must be done in person. (That is "manipulation 101")

As far as what to do now, I will have to think about it. I have a black belt in handling manipulators. But at 6:30am probably not alot of wisdom floating thru my brain right now.

 

[BellePrincessBelle]

Both your brother and dad were out of line... waaaay out of line.

ITA. I've learned my lesson. I never lend anything out that I want back.

 

[Floridagal23]

Tink, I think your dad was just going to be angry with you no matter what. Don't stress yourself out over this

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok OP, I guess I have to ask you what do you want from this outcome?

3 approaches come to mind....

1) It is pretty clear to me that your dad wants you to apologize for this so he can "win".

Now you can do this approach if you want. The reasons for taking this path are that your dad is not going to change and he is going to esculate the crap to make you buckle.

The reasons why you would take this approach is because you want to end his foolishness and don't want things to go on.

So what if he "wins", I mean he is not winning anything but in his mind he is. It is the easy way out, but hey, sometimes you may not have the time or energy to deal with going to battle. (evaluate your situation to see if this is the approach you should take)
--------------

2) You could take the other path of standing your ground. This would require that you are ready to do it. Once you head down that path there is no going back. It will make your dh's comment seem like nothing compared to what you will have to say to your dad.
------------

3) You could continue life as usual and wait it out. This is not a bad approach however it takes alot of restraint on your part to work. While it seems like the easiest approach, in fact it is the hardest of the 3.

You cannot vent or talk to ANY family about it and that esp. includes your husband. You must remain aloof even with your dh and kids. Say oh, I don't know alot or something else aloof (come up with canned responses)

It means that anytime a family member wants to talk about it you have to say, eh, no big deal and blow it off.

The key to this approach working is that NOTHING gets back to your dad. And this is how you win. A manipulator is counting on hearing about how you are venting to others. Everytime they hear a tidbit they do a victory dance.

Also you are learning the valuable ninja skill of handling a manipulator.

One way to help your mind get through this approach is to think of your father as someone who is mentally "not all there" and pity them.
Pity them because they do not know how they are hurting their own child and the horrible reality of that is something they do not want to face.

So there is my 3cents....I am sure there are other approaches to take but those are 3 off the top of my head.

 

[mickey&minnie04]

Okay..this is a family issue and I would just like to know whether you all think I was right or wrong on it.

My brother (who is 28) called me today asking to "borrow" my son's Wii for a while (he just moved and does not have cable hooked up yet). I told him that I did not feel comfortable with that as he had "borrowed" my son's XBox 360 8 months ago and has not returned it either. I told him that I was concerned that I would not get the Wii back either. I told him to let me think about it and I would get back with him (I intended on discussing it with my husband first). My brother said calmly, "Never mind, I will just go ahead and buy one for myself." I said, "Okay."

About 15 minutes later, my dad calls and asks me if he was going to have to buy my brother a Wii. I told him that was between he and my brother and the decision was his. He said, "You really are not going to let him borrow the Wii for a few days?" I proceeded to explain to him the situation. He then stated that he could not believe that I would do that, that he can't believe I am "that kind of person" and that I am not being helpful to my family, and that my decision was going to "come back to haunt" me. I got angry at this point and told him that it was really my decision and that he should not be involved in it at all and should respect my decisions instead of guilting me. He then stated that this was a disrespectful comment to make to him. I told him again that this was my decision and a situation between me and my brother and that I was finished discussing it with him. I hung up.

I am so frustrated because I hate feeling guilted by him and I hate feeling like a bad person for making a decision someone didn't like. I am usually very helpful toward everyone in my family. I hardly ever say no to them. I just felt that since he had already failed to return one game console, why should I let him "borrow" another?

Anyway, what do you all think? Was I wrong? Right?

We have had a similiar situation arrise involving our Wii also. My Husbands sister has 3 kids, none over the age of 8 and wanted to borrow ours when they went on a beach vacation with some other relatives. We really hadn't been using it but knowing how they take care of things I just couldn't do it. If something would have happened to it they would not have been able to afford to replace it. Plus my thoughts were that no oneshould be sitting inside playing video games when there was the ocean to be playing in! So we said no, but you could tell that they were ticked off, but too bad! I work hard for the things I have and don't want someone else ruining them.

 

[tink1978]

OP - I understand you're frustrated with your DH but I kind of side with him. Yes, he should not have opened his mouth but he is 100% correct. Seems your DF doesn't want to face facts. The only person that is making this worse now is your DF.

Hugs to you as I understand this can't be easy.

Oh, I totally agree with my husband, but he should not have said anything to my brother. I am not mad or frustrated at my husband in the least and I have let him know that. He is absolutely right about my dad needing to grow up.

 

[tink1978]

Ok OP, I guess I have to ask you what do you want from this outcome?

3 approaches come to mind....

1) It is pretty clear to me that your dad wants you to apologize for this so he can "win".

Now you can do this approach if you want. The reasons for taking this path are that your dad is not going to change and he is going to esculate the crap to make you buckle.

The reasons why you would take this approach is because you want to end his foolishness and don't want things to go on.

So what if he "wins", I mean he is not winning anything but in his mind he is. It is the easy way out, but hey, sometimes you may not have the time or energy to deal with going to battle. (evaluate your situation to see if this is the approach you should take)
--------------

2) You could take the other path of standing your ground. This would require that you are ready to do it. Once you head down that path there is no going back. It will make your dh's comment seem like nothing compared to what you will have to say to your dad.
------------

3) You could continue life as usual and wait it out. This is not a bad approach however it takes alot of restraint on your part to work. While it seems like the easiest approach, in fact it is the hardest of the 3.

You cannot vent or talk to ANY family about it and that esp. includes your husband. You must remain aloof even with your dh and kids. Say oh, I don't know alot or something else aloof (come up with canned responses)

It means that anytime a family member wants to talk about it you have to say, eh, no big deal and blow it off.

The key to this approach working is that NOTHING gets back to your dad. And this is how you win. A manipulator is counting on hearing about how you are venting to others. Everytime they hear a tidbit they do a victory dance.

Also you are learning the valuable ninja skill of handling a manipulator.

One way to help your mind get through this approach is to think of your father as someone who is mentally "not all there" and pity them.
Pity them because they do not know how they are hurting their own child and the horrible reality of that is something they do not want to face.

So there is my 3cents....I am sure there are other approaches to take but those are 3 off the top of my head.

Okay..those are three things that I could do. I am not going to do the 1st one, b/c I have done that in the past and it does not work. So...that leave 2 and 3. Right now, I am pretty much doing the 2nd one. I am going to have the give the 3rd one some more thought. Not sure I can do that, but maybe....will think on it (since I especially like that I will be gaining a "ninja skill"). Thanks for the info on all 3 though! Will keep you updated!

 

[agnes!]

I think your family needs to stop listening to gossip about each other AND needs to stop tattle-tale'ing on each other. Refuse to listen to *any* "well, *he" said that you and he said you're a ...." junk. If people have an issue with you, they can tell you to your face, tell everyone that. If they are not willing to stop the gossip, then too bad. Of course, this situation has to be the hill you are willing to die on...

I agree with your DH. I know you think it's made the situation worse, but after all, he just told the truth. Guess Daddy-o can't handle the truth?

Nothing personal but IMO your dad sounds like a jerk. He favors one child over everyone else in the entire family *and* favors his sons over his daughter. He is willing to go to WAR over a friggin' GAME-SYSTEM that belongs to a child that HIS ADULT son wanted to 'borrow'. He is willing to listen to any kind of displeasure from ANYONE else and EVERYONE else in the family EXCEPT for this particular brother. In my experience it seems that the spouse is usually favored over other family-members, but in this case it almost sounds like he's married to your brother instead of your mom.

Sorry that all this seems to be happening over what is essentially a child's toy, but can you honestly say you're surprised? Hasn't your Dad always favored this brother over all his other children and over everyone else in the family?

agnes!

 

[rie'smom]

OP, ignore it. Eventually, your dad will grow up. As my daughter would say," He's so drama."

 

[horseshowmom]

I talked to my husband and told him that he should not have said what he did to my brother as it got back to dad. I let him know that this just made the problem worse.

So....now dad is even more mad and I didn't do anything. I am tired of him giving me the silent treatment, it is so stupid. Even when I say something to him like, "Hey, how are you?" or whatever, he doesn't respond. My son is starting to wonder what is going on and why my dad won't talk to me. I am not getting him involved in this. It is just so stupid....I don't know what to do at this point.

Personally, I don't blame your husband for what he said. It was the truth. Your dad was acting ridiculous, and your husband called him on it.

And, maybe it's just me, but I would tell my son what was going on (in a straightforward manner). If your dad will treat you this way, he'll do the same thing to your son when it suits him.

 

[shortbun]

Man, they really know how to pull your chain don't they? Set them straight and tell your dad to back off, you're no longer and child and neither is your brother. I wouldn't lend my brother a toothpick if he treated me like that. They are quite a team. Time for you to set some ground rules and draw some boundaries. Tell your mom to come visit at your house, you're not subjecting yourself to her selfish, childish husband any more. Your dad is a piece of work, eh? Mine was too, don't let him walk all over you. I feel ya, it's not worth giving up your respect to change his behavior. He's not speaking to you over a video game console- he needs a reality check.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Good Gracious!!!!

OP, just walk away....
Seriously, just walk away...

Sorry, but you actually had every single member of your family invited to this game, during all of this drama....

YOU are enabling this...

You can NOT expect irrational, psychologically affected, people to act in a normal and sane manner.
You do not have the normal, sane, family that you would like to envision.
Your dad, and your brother, both, are as the prev. poster said 'real piece of work'.

Why do continue to keep this going?????

Just say NO.

PS: While I would give my right arm for my husband to have the edited to stand up for me as his wife (believe me - I would) And, you should THANK him for that!!!! Really, THIS was not the time or the place. This is between your family and your father. Not a good idea to have the husband/in-law butt in. I would thank your husband very very much!!! But, let him know that, in this situation, it is probably best if he does not step in.

IMHO, while I give him an 'A' for effort. Your husband did not handle this in a positive way by making negative and snide comments and name-calling to the other brother. Not the way to go about it.

Again....
Let it goooooo.
Just walk away.

 

[ols386]

To the op, I think your brother and your dad are both wrong.

I would try to not worry about it.

What gets me is your brother, told on you, to your dad. I think they both need to grow up.

You did nothing wrong.