Frustrated!! UPDATE POST#81

[The Mystery Machine]

Are you familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder? I wasn't, either, until my mother helpfully let it slip that she had been diagnosed with it. Then I did a little research and it was very illuminating.

It's not uncommon for a parent with BPD to put his children into categories. The ones he likes are called "white" and if you are one that he doesn't treat well, it's called being "blacked".

Whether your father has an actual personality disorder or not, it sounds like your 28 year old brother has been whited and you, unfortunately, are blacked. There's nothing rational about it.

People with BPD do not like to be "abandoned". The frustrating part for the rest of us is that they consider normal growth... like a child moving out, getting married, having children... as abandonment. So you have done the horrible offense of building an adult life, while your 28 year old brother has so thoughtfully remained dependant on his parents.

Good luck and stay strong. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders.

That is certainly interesting.

Around these parts, it is common for family to behave like this and we call it "country". Not that country people are like this however it is a certain mentality. Small towns, alot of poor, etc...family helps each other out.

The problem comes into play when the patriarch/matriarch does not see that they are "helping" but destroying.

 

[Quiksilvr]

I am glad my parents are not like this; that's all I can say.

I agree with TMM's comments re manipulation tactics. Don't be duped into committing anything to paper. It will be used against you until you die.

I think my parents learned a long time ago that I will not be manipulated or guilted into doing whatever they want at any given time. It's never been an issue because I generally don't mind doing what they ask, but when I say no, they respect it. My personality is a little too fiery for them to deal with, and they have very little to threaten me with at this point of our lives. We all know it, so we play nice.

Good luck with your dad. If my dad tried to pull a guilt trip on me over a video game console for one of my grown siblings, I would have laughed in his face. I mean, really...laughed. Because I would have thought he was joking. And when I figured out he wasn't joking, I would have laughed harder, and walked away. Of all the things to get into a peeing contest over, that one would be pretty ridiculous.

 

[tink1978]

Quiksilvr, I agree with you. I don't always say no, in fact, this is the first time and it just has my dad ticked off. I don't even think he is mad that I said "No", his issue is that I told him it was none of his business and to leave it between me and my brother to work out. Obviously, saying this to him was "disrespectful" (note there is major sarcasm from me at this statement). I don't think I was disrespectful at all. That is where the disagreement lies. He wants me to apologize for being disrespectful, I want him to apologize for getting involved to begin with and calling me names. He definitely won't budge cause he never does, and I am not about to either at this point.

I expect him to keep upping the ante because he thinks I am eventually going to cave, but I having dug my toes in (actually I am in up to my waist) and am not going anywhere soon.

He is going to just have to deal with it.

 

[tink1978]

Are you familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder? I wasn't, either, until my mother helpfully let it slip that she had been diagnosed with it. Then I did a little research and it was very illuminating.

It's not uncommon for a parent with BPD to put his children into categories. The ones he likes are called "white" and if you are one that he doesn't treat well, it's called being "blacked".

Whether your father has an actual personality disorder or not, it sounds like your 28 year old brother has been whited and you, unfortunately, are blacked. There's nothing rational about it.

People with BPD do not like to be "abandoned". The frustrating part for the rest of us is that they consider normal growth... like a child moving out, getting married, having children... as abandonment. So you have done the horrible offense of building an adult life, while your 28 year old brother has so thoughtfully remained dependant on his parents.

Good luck and stay strong. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders.

I am familiar with this Personality D/O. While what you have described does sound like my father, I don't think he has a personality disorder. I think he is under the assumption that your children should always do and act the way you want them to, even if they are adults. Anyone who goes against what he wants is "blacked" (as you put it). Anyone who does what he wants them to is "white". I think my dad has some serious control issues and I have called him on them several times over the last few years. And...everytime....I am the "bad guy" and have to apologize to "fix" the situation. I am tired of doing this and feel that I deserve an apology and I really want him to leave me and my decisions be unless I ask him for help. I also want him to respect whatever decisions I make, without making me feel guilty or telling me I am a bad person. These are tactics he uses to have control over me and I am not giving him control this time. In response, he is doing everything he can to gain that control. Nothing is working, so hopefully...he will recognize it and stop acting so selfish and childish.